


Leave It Unspoken

by mina_blueprint



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Blow Jobs, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Bullying, Castiel Plays the Piano, Destiel - Freeform, First Kiss, First Meeting, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Homosexuality, Humor, M/M, Making Out, Progressing Relationship, Romance, Secret Relationship, Troubled Past, Underage Drinking, Virgin Castiel, Virginity, blackmailing, boys falling in love, mentions of past relationships - Freeform, outsiders - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-16
Updated: 2014-06-20
Packaged: 2018-01-12 17:01:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 18
Words: 134,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1192872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mina_blueprint/pseuds/mina_blueprint
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He might still be quite young, but nevertheless, Castiel Milton already learned some important things about life:<br/>He learned how to cause and how to avoid trouble.<br/>He learned how to blend in in order to survive.<br/>He learned to look beyond people’s words and read the language they speak without actually talking. The most important things are often never said, but yet possible to be understood anyway.<br/>And he is about to learn yet another, pretty important things:<br/>Love can hit you hard and merciless, without you even noticing. You can find it somewhere you not expect it in the slightest and become the only thing you really need, especially when you don’t want it to be.<br/>Sometimes, some things, don’t even need to be spoken out loud to become as real as it can get.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Misfits

**Author's Note:**

> Hello dear readers!  
> This is my first (Destiel)- Fanfiction, please enjoy! :)  
> Here you have the first chapter that also serves as an introduction in to the setting and the characters. No worries, Dean and Cas will soon interact and who- knows- what- more ;) Some tags will be added and the rating might go up!  
> So, check regularly for updates of Destiel- Highschool, alright? :)

 

Nothing about this day felt special, remarkable or even slightly out of the ordinary. It was a day exactly like countless days he had seen before and even more he was sure he still had to face. Castiel Milton’s life was one endless repetition of the same old same routine of school, homework and sleep. With a sigh he glanced at his watch. Still 45 minutes of lunch break left.

  
_Will this ever end?_

He looked around as he took another bite of his sandwich. From where he was sitting, a tiny bench close to the school fence and furthest away from everything and everyone, he had a perfect view. Since there was nothing better for him to do during his free time anyway, he picked the balcony place from where he could just sit, sit and watch. Of course not in the creepy stalking way, no, he simply was interested in humans and their behavior. Sure, he was just human as well, but he was never engaged in any kind of human interaction, so this was his way of getting as close to understanding of interaction and social contact as possible.

  
There were other students, everywhere. Different ages, different heights, different tastes and manners. Nobody was like the other. Except for one fact, nobody was alone.

Nobody but Castiel, because – _nobody was like Castiel._

Sure, everyone was unique and different and special, but he was too unique, too different and that made him too special to ever fit in anywhere. That was what he figured out so far.

That’s why he was alone during this break like during every other break as well. That’s why he sat on that bench on his own every day. Far away from everyone else, out of hearing what people might be talking about. But he didn’t mind, not any more. He was comfortable, peaceful. Watching them, figuring them out, deciphering their body language, their mimic – Castiel truly enjoyed that. No matter what people are saying with their words, they might tell lies, confusing things, leave aspects in the dark, but what they leave unspoken will always be clear and true. Your body hardly tells lies, Castiel once found out. To tell a convincing lie, you have to be in full awareness that your body needs to lie as well. The way your hands move, your eyes twitch or even where you put your legs – it’s giving away a lot. He could tell pretty easily the way most people feel towards each other. He could tell when people were scared or when they were bragging. It was easy for him.

_Actions speak louder than words._

He knew who was in love with whom and who was secretly despising each other. Most people never know what they tell by the way they act and he guessed, most people didn’t bother to find out. Most people were too keen on fitting in to think about things like that. Nobody would bother thinking about the way their hands move and what it actually is giving away about them as long as they got the right clothes and the right friends.

  
 _Friends_ , Castiel shook his head. _This has not much to do with friendship._

Nevertheless, Castiel was very sure that nobody could confuse or even deceive him that easily – he knew what he hast to be looking for in order to decipher other people’s intentions. Fool proof. And most people’s intentions were desperate and insecure, sometimes even selfish. He wasn’t willing to spend time with people who just want to be anything but alone and unpopular. He didn’t see a reason to change anything about him and force himself to do things he didn’t like only to be surrounded by people doing the same. Pointless. No, Castiel was a what- you- see- is- what- you- get- person. And it seems like no one in this school really liked the way Castiel was and he pretty much understood why. He was not fitting in and neither able nor wiling to change this. He has a lot of fun to watch and analyze people, but that’s it. Socializing with them was once an option, but that’s been a long time ago. Anyway, it would draw some attention to him and this is nothing he was too fond of.

  
He didn’t like the feeling of having eyes resting on him or people listening to what he’s saying. It’s like being under watch. That’s why he stayed silent and far away from everyone else. This was also the reason for his kind of dull choice of clothes- simple black (or other dark colour) pants, sometimes Jeans and whatever plain, dark shirt he found. The only outstanding piece he owned would be his old, a little oversized trench coat. He really didn’t even remember when or why he ever decided to get it anyway – but he wore it still. It might have been a little outstanding (but Castiel decided to allow himself something eccentric) but well, it was doing its job. It kept him warm and dry. And it wasn’t even starting to fall to pieces, despite its age and everything it had to endure. Castiel once thought – jokingly, of course – that he could be shot, stabbed or even explode and burst in to a million pieces and his trench coat would still be intact. And as long as it still looked presentable, he’d wear it. Castiel was not one for waste, he’d refuse to throw away or replace something that wasn’t broken beyond repair. That was also another reason why he’d never fit in.

No, Castiel Milton would never fit in. He’d be the watcher, the outsider forever.

Even the occasionally “new kids” that get enrolled to his school fitted in faster than Castiel ever could. It was already the middle of the school year and still, two new students showed up just that week; Castiel knew that those were the Winchester brothers, Samuel, the younger, and Dean, who was just his age. Due to the age gap that resulted in not having any classes together, Castiel basically knew nothing about Samuel, but since Dean was in his year and they had some classes together, Castiel knew a couple of things about Dean, even after only a few days. Castiel could see that the elder Winchester just entered the school yard, alone, but not for long, since he joined the lunch table where Samuel already sat, along with Joanna Harvelle and her friends, engaged in a vivid conversation.

  
Dean is somehow special, Castiel thought. His clothes looked pretty old and out- fashioned, but still the girls were interested in him. He wasn’t much of a sports guy, but still something about him made the girls smile and unable to take their eyes off him. Maybe it was his smile? It was big and wide and – Castiel was looking for a fitting word – naughty? But Castiel was sure that this smile was more of a charade than an expression of actual happiness. Dean’s eyes looked weary, like they’ve already seen enough of the world and tired of life itself, an expression only an ageing veteran could develop. And still, Dean was able to create something about him that would lure the girls away from the preppy football players in expensive clothes. Yeah, there was something about this young man.

  
Somewhere, underneath this old leather jacket, the plaid shirt and washed-out t-shirt, behind these old man’s eyes on a young boy’s face, must be something out of the ordinary that Castiel witnessed every day. And maybe, he didn’t even dare to think this thought to the end, he might be able to catch a glimpse in to Dean’s soul to find outwhat actually made him special even in Castiel’s trained eyes.

 

* * *

 

  
 _Today is a pretty good day_ , Dean Winchester thought, with a big grin since he entered school, like it’s engraved in his face. It’s his first week at his new school and damn, he liked it here a lot. The girls were all pretty hot and flirty, there were some guys to hang out with and Sam, his younger brother, seemed to feel comfortable here as well. Dean was sure, once when the giant “New Kids” neon sign above their heads had disappeared, they would belong here. Finally belong somewhere. It seems like everything was going to work out for the Winchester brothers. Yes, Dean really hoped that this week, this day, might never end. Everything just felt so fresh, new and pure, it was overwhelming.

  
As he left the building to join his brother Sam and the rest of their little gang outside on lunch break, he breathed in deeply, feeling the fresh air filling his lungs. It was a pretty warm day for late September, and Dean enjoyed the feeling of this season’s last rays of sunshine as he made his way to said table. We winked at the pretty girls he passed while strolling along – sure, he won’t hook up with ALL of them, but hell, being nice and flirty can’t be wrong, especially, when he was able to put a smile on a girl’s face. He already had some, uhm, progressive flirts in the halls with some cute red head with big blue eyes. She seemed to be a little younger than him, but still nothing that would make him a criminal. She seems to understand what this meant to him – some quick fun, nothing that could bring harm or pain.

  
No strings attached- fun was his kind of thing, he figured out. The illusion of an everlasting love that prevails was buried a long time ago, after his breakups with Robin, Cassie, Lisa,… ugh, the list is already too long for someone this young. He always had been so sure that this, this girl he had been with, was the one, the one who’d save him, the one he’d be with forever and yet, they were always torn apart again and none of those relationships could last over the distances on so many levels that separated them. Dean’s life had been one endless, dreading road trip and he had been more than glad about the opportunity to settle down at his father’s friend’s place. He was looking forward to the peace of settling down – but not in his love life. No, there’s no one in this world that would be able to make Dean a monogamous and faithful lover. No fucking way. Besides, he was already emotionally invested enough with family matters. And no matter what, Sam would always come first for him, there’s was no room in his life for one more permanent person.

  
“Hey, Dean!”, he heard his brother shout as he waved at him. Dean couldn’t remember the last time he had seen his brother being this laid back and happy. He blended in perfectly in the school crowd, something Dean never witnessed before. Already knowing someone in this all- new school made the start so much easier for both of the brothers. Jo Harvelle basically became their step- sister, since she was their foster father’s step- daughter… sure, the basics of this new life were not exactly simple, but hell, it was already too perfect to be really happening. Jo quickly introduced the two to her friends and they quickly were accepted like they’ve always been there. Sure, Jo didn’t have the best reputation or the biggest group of friends, but they were all so very kind and dear from the deepest bottom of their hearts, just the way Dean and Sam had always imagined friends to be. On the outside, they might appear to be only a gathering of those who didn’t fit in somewhere else. But that didn’t even matter, because it wasn’t true. There was a deep acceptance among the members of this little group. Nobody judged, nobody asked, nobody insulted.

  
Dean sat down and reached in to his backpack to get his lunch bag as he looked at his misfit assemblage. There was Ash, the underestimated genius with a lawnmower- haircut that never even touched drugs and yet always seemed to be pretty stoned, then Chuck, the maybe most creative and talented but still pretty paranoid artist, Kevin, the Asian kid with cello lessons and straight A’s and advanced placement and a billion things Dean couldn’t remember, Garth, who surely got a good soul and warm heart but was too weird and simply too far out of this world for his own good and as well Jo herself, a very pretty blonde with the most un-ladylike attitude Dean had ever seen. They all met during lonesome lunches and even though they were all so very different, they got along perfectly. Maybe the isolation from everyone else is what was keeping them together, just like it was like with him and Sam?, Dean wondered but soon he pushed his heavy thoughts aside to join the group’s laughter after one of the jokes Garth just told and Dean couldn’t even remember a second later, but that was alright – everything was alright.

  
Nothing could go wrong from here anymore, Dean was sure. But judging had always been so easy for those who knew the least.


	2. Fatal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading so far!   
> After the first chapter, that served more as an introduction, the story now takes up some pace!  
> I hope you like it :)

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday… already Thursday? If he didn’t have had a calendar, Castiel was sure he would have completely lost track of time. Spotting a difference between all those passing days wasn’t exactly easy. He felt like he was stuck in an endless loop, every day was just like all the days before. And as usual, he entered the classroom for the next period first. Of course.

_Alone._

He forced a little smile. It’s not like he didn’t choose the loneliness of that empty classroom. By being first he avoided bumping in to someone on the way in and made sure he would get his prefered seat, the one at the window corner, in the last row. There, he would have a view over everything, even the chalkboard and still be out of everyone else’s sight. The year before he had noticed how uncomfortable he had actually felt with someone sitting behind him. Sure, he wasn’t interesting enough to have someone watching him but still, even the sheer possibility of having someone’s eyes resting on him made him shift awkwardly in his seat and pull his trench coat closer around him. Somehow, being in this giant pile of fabric, he felt a little less exposed.

Shortly before and after the bell rang, the students came streaming in, chatting, laughing and sitting down. Castiel watched them picking their seats. Most students preferred a certain seat, always among their peers, some wandered some tables back and forth from time to time, depending on whom they were currently hanging out with. Due to the rather tiny number of students in this class, some seats always remained empty. Two of them were those next to Castiel and he was pretty happy about that. _More personal space._

As he looked up from the notepad he just put on the table, Castiel saw Dean Winchester entering the room. Right, they shared this class as well, Castiel remembered. His palms were sweating slightly and he stiffed up a little, glancing at the free seats next to his. Dean didn’t have a regular place in this class yet, like in every other class.

For a couple of seconds, Dean stood still and looked around for a place, Castiel stiffed up even a little more. Finally, he moved on, towards one of those empty seats around a group of rather pretty girls who were engaged in a vivid conversation. With a smile that made the girls shut up for a second, Dean sat down, the girls returning the smile.

_Of course._

Castiel let out a breath he didn’t even notice holding in and relaxed immediately. What was he even expecting?

Before he could even consider thinking about an answer, the teacher entered the room and another lesson began, that was nothing but lethally boring to Castiel. Most of the things discussed in any of his classes were things he already knew, he learned them some years ago when he started to browse his elder brothers' school books. Castiel had always been eager to learn and memorizing any kind of information was never really a problem for him. So again, he was able to let his mind drift and look around, mostly out of the window to his left, but his eyes always went back to Dean, or, more precisely, to the back of his head.

Throughout the passing time, Castiel found Dean to be indeed very interesting to watch, much more interesting than the other students at school. His behavior was still pure and unaltered from anyone else’s influence. Dean was somehow innocent, _unmarked_. That thought finished, Castiel witnessed Dean smirking at some girl in a very inappropriate way – well, innocent was maybe _not_ exactly the right word to describe Dean. Castiel didn’t bother to keep up with who or how many Dean was flirting, he simply didn’t care – why should he? But it must be an impressive amount, he was sure. But then again, compared to Castiel contact with girls, any number would have been impressive.

He sighed and let his eyes drift again, landing on another pretty interesting class mate, Alastair. Physically, there was nothing really outstanding about him. He was average tall, had an average facial structure, medium brown hair, nothing out of the ordinary. But maybe it was this normalcy of his appearance that underlined the alarming about him. It was his presence and the blank stare out of his unnaturally bright eyes that radiated something threatening that made Castiel shiver every time he caught a glimpse of his class mate. He was more than happy that Alastair never really got interested in him, so he never learned what exactly about those ongoing rumors was true and what has just been dramatized. But the longer Castiel watched Alastair, the more he was sure that even the creepiest things other students were saying about him weren’t that much exaggerated.

Suddenly, the skin around Alastair’s hollow eyes wrinkled, as he curled up the corners of his mouth to form the creepiest smile that Castiel had ever seen. He followed Alastair’s eyes to find out what he was smiling at… _Dean._

Castiel swallowed hard. No matter what about what Alastair had been doing was true or not, that certainly wasn’t a good thing.

_Dean was on Alastair’s radar._

Castiel had been overhearing many conversations about how some students were bullied and blackmailed by several different people from the school. Most of the bullied ones accused Alastair to be the one responsible for this, but out of fear and surely some convenience, nobody ever made an effort to tell a teacher about this issue. He remembered how his younger sister Anna told him a couple of months ago, that her friend was in trouble with one of the boys she suspected to be Alastair’s footmen, but since the threatening and blackmailing had stopped after a rather short time just as suddenly as it began, Anna and her friends decided to just leave this be and not to tell anyone about it. And this, Castiel thought, is why this works out so perfectly fine. Alastair knew who would be a useful puppet, who served more as an target and he knew how long to go before any of the people involved might break and tell anyone. But the question that Castiel couldn’t answer was: what role was Dean going to play?

Dean seemed to be unaware of the clouds that Castiel saw coming up on his horizon, he kept on winking and smiling to the girls whenever the teacher wasn’t looking. His eyes slowly looked more boyish by now, and less like an old man’s like Castiel witnessed within the first of Dean’s days at school. Castiel smiled faintly and looked down on his text book again. Maybe he was just seeing things, it was just a coincidence and Alastair wasn’t even looking at Dean. Yeah, that’s surely the case. And with this decision, Castiel shrugged off any more thoughts of whatever plans Alastair might have or not have or whatever. Even if he knew, Castiel wouldn’t do a thing about it, he never did. What could he even do?

* * *

 _Anna_ was her name, Dean remembered as he was leaning in to kiss her softly. He opened his eyes lightly to get a look at her - yep, she was damn pretty, with her big blue eyes closed and her long red hair falling in slight curls on to her shoulders. She didn't seem to be inexperienced, so Dean wondered how much further than kissing they would actually go. Since she was the only girl so far he had been together at the new school (on several occasions in the empty hallway, empty classrooms, or as in that exact moment in a janitor's closet - actually _anywhere_ where nobody could have caught them), they would go very far, he was sure.

Anna giggled sweetly as Dean slowly kissed her neck up and down again and again. He smiled because it made him feel good to give pleasure to others. It showed him that he wasn't only able to cause a mess but also good things as well. That he got some pleasure in return most of the time was just a nice side effect to that whole making- out thing.

The bell rang, the two heard countless feet stomping down the hallways to the classrooms and voices passing by the door. Since Dean had no more class that day (he was only staying to drive Sam and Jo back home who both had still one class left and, well, for Anna as well), he couldn't care less, but Anna pushed him away. "I hate to go but I cannot skip this class... I... am.. sorry" she mumbled between kisses as Dean started playing with her hair.

"Oh, come on", he asked in a mocking voice, "not even for me?" His pouting made Anna smile once more, but she shook her head.

"Nope, I'm afraid not." She gave him one last kiss before she opened the door carefully, watched left and right to make sure nobody saw her and then slipped out smoothly. Dean sighed and leaned back to rest his head against the wall. He would wait there until he was sure nobody would see him getting out there as well, because that would be a little embarrassing. Doors were shut, the talking and walking was slowly disappearing, the classes had begun - Dean was relieved because staying in that closet was surely becoming boring.

He peaked through the slightly opened door and descended almost as smooth as Anna. _That went better than ex-_

"Hey, Winchester."

Dean froze immediatly. _What the-?_

He turned around to see someone leaning against the wall next to the closet's door, like he was waiting there for him. This was one of the class mates, Dean knew, but he didn't know his name or anything else about him. But he assumed he wasn't going to chat about the weather. Dean swallowed, something about this guy scared him, as he leaned against the wall, so calmly and yet still threatening, like a hungry prey on the watch. The look in those bright eyes made Dean shiver. _Damn, how can a teenager have so fucking dead- like eyes?_ But Dean straightened his back, locked eyes with the scary dude and gave his best to hide the fact he was intimidated.

"I feel flattered that you know my name, but I didn't understand yours." Dean smiled sweetly.

With a faint smile (which was in fact nothing more but uplifting the corners of his mouth), the other pushed himself off the wall to face Dean.

"I never told you."

"Ah, that's why. I was starting to wonder how I could forget the name of someone so enchanting?"

"I am Alastair", he made one step towards Dean, closing the distance between them. The lack of safety area made Dean uncomfortable, but he kept playing it cool.

"What a precious name."

Obviously unimpressed, Alastair made another step up to Dean, who could almost feel the other one's breath on his face.

"I know you."

Dean was honestly confused. Where is this going?

"Err, and I know you now, too. It's truly a pleasure, but I don't swing that way, so..."

Alastair lifted his hand as a gesture to make Dean shut up.

"Don't be ridiculous." The faint smile completely disappeared, his face looked hard and angry, more like a sculpture carved in stone, not like a young person. "I know about pretty much anything that happened to you... and your _brother_."

Alastair emphasized the last part as if he knew what he was doing. Sam was Dean's only weakness, always his priority and Dean will always put him first, no matter what. How could Alastair know this? iit seems like he knew about their past as well and that made him able to be a danger to them, especially to Sam. Dean tried to ignore that this revelation felt like a kick in the guts and kept playing it low.

"Well, we just moved here, so, yeah, but I guess, everybody can tell..." Dean shrugged like the truth was really just that simple.

"But I know the reason. Your _father_." There it was again, this completly dead smile on a stone- like face. Alastair truly enjoyed the power his words and knowledge gave him over Dean.

Dean lowered his head, still staring straight into Alastair's eyes. "How?"

Alastair shrugged. "I have my sources. And they are reliable. So, where's Daddy currently locked up in?"

The tension that Dean felt building up inside turned in to rage - how was Alastair able to know this?

Sam and him would be screwed if anyone knew anything about their past, that was for sure. He couldn't allow Alastair to ruin their last chance of having a normal life.

Seeing Dean like this made Alastair laugh. That was too much for Dean.

He grabbed Alastair's collar and pushed him against a wall. He had to control himself not to beat the shit out of douchebag right away – if it wasn’t so sure that it would cause him trouble, he would, no doubt. He felt his heart beating against his ribcage, pumped by both rage and fear equally.

Alastair just raised an eyebrow and huffed a laugh as he looked down on Dean’s hand, gripping tightly on to his shirt’s collar.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong? It’s not like that I told everyone your… _little secrets_. I can keep my mouth shut. We can, well, get along, you and I. But first- “, he gestured at his collar, “you need to let go of me. You scare me a little.” The last part’s sarcasm made Dean feel truly sick, but he decided it was the best to simply obey to Alastair’s request, no matter how much he had liked to do the opposite. Alastair brushed over his shirt like it just got dirty as he lifted his head to let his eyes pierce through Dean’s again.

“You calmed down?”, he continued. “Good. So, here’s the deal. I keep my mouth shut, okay? About every nasty thing about your dearest mommy, your beloved daddy and – _you_. But you need to do something for me in return, alright? It’s a giving- taking- thing. Totally fair. I promise. You in?”

Dean bit his bottom lip and clenched his fists so hard that he could feel his nails digging in to his palm’s skin. The stinging sensation was enough to distract him from his still raging anger. He inhaled deeply before replying. “Okay, I’m in. What do I have to do?”

Alastair patted Dean’s shoulder and it required all of Dean’s self-control not to snap out.

“Down to business. I like that.”

* * *

Another new day with the same old routine for Castiel began. Another day that was going to simply pass him by. Another day that was not going to be special enough to ever become a memory - this was what he was sure of before he even poured himself his first cup of coffee.

Just as usual, he didn’t talk much. Not because he was being rude or impolite, but he simply didn’t feel the need to share something. There was nothing going on his life that would have been worth talking about. But he politely replied any time his sister Anna attempted to initiate small talks, because he knew she easily felt uncomfortable during a longer silence, especially during car rides. And since they rode to school and back home together (alternately in Castiel’s or Anna’s car) there was a lot of silence to fill up, almost an hour in total every day.

But on that day, Castiel's mind was absent. For several days now his thoughts trailed off easily, straying all over the place and always coming back to Dean.

 _Dean_.

Why Dean?

It never happened before that one single person kept on popping up in his head again and again. Why did it even happen? It made no sense at all. Sure, Dean was new and Castiel just got to know him, but he wasn’t the first new kid at school that Castiel had studied carefully – so what was different this time, what was different about Dean? Castiel thought this over and over and just couldn’t find an answer. That bothered him. The other day, that had been bothering him indeed so badly that he had been refusing to think about this any longer and simply devoted his thoughts to a different topic. But, no matter what Castiel had been doing or thinking about, in the end, his thoughts were revolving around Dean again. When he popped in a movie the night before to distract himself, he found himself wondering if Dean would like this movie as well or not – that was the point where Castiel decided that something ridiculous was going on that needed to be stopped before it might get out of hand. That’s why he gave his best to focus on whatever Anna was talking about but, it was incredibly difficult to keep his mind on topic and nothing but _that_ topic.

“Castiel? Castiel! Hey!” He jumped in his seat as he felt his sister’s hand patting his knee. She looked at him with her big blue eyes narrowed in both question and concern. Her features softened when Castiel was finally reacting again. He looked around, out of the passenger’s window. He hadn’t noticed how far they’ve already driven as he recognized the crossroad where Anna stopped the car due to a red traffic light. He must have been lost pretty deep in his thoughts, he felt like he was violently woken up from a vivid dream and pulled back to earth with supersonic speed. He was honestly confused, even a little scared right now because he got lost in thoughts about how the Winchesters might get to school.

“Are you alright? You seem to be out of mind. Something nagging you?” It was only when the lights turned green again that Anna took her eyes off Castiel and he sighed. He got caught, obviously, but this is nothing she should know about, because, in Castiel’s opinion, there was _nothing_ to know about.

“No… no, no, I’m fine. Just a little… distracted.” He waved his hand in a somehow too elaborative way to underline the topic’s irrelevance.

“Distracted?” Anna smiled as she repeated what her brother just said. “Boy, you were… I don’t know what or where you have been for the last couple of minutes, but this was more than just distraction.” Castiel stared at his feet and fumbled with the trench coat’s sleeves as he was looking for words to explain, as he felt Anna’s hand on his knee again, this time comforting. A soft smile on her face told Castiel that she understood that this topic might be nothing Castiel was too eager to talk about. He was glad that they got along so well, despite their differences and troubles they had in the past. Maybe having to stand up against three older brothers together was good for their bonding. Castiel replied with a smile and leaned back in the seat, a little more relaxed and pleased as Anna started to talk about her classes and the tests she had that day, Castiel actively engaged in the conversation this time.

Too bad Anna’s distraction lost its effect in the moment Castiel spotted Dean entering the class room. He was already about to force himself to read that damn book he brought to school that day to make sure there was something else on his mind than Dean, when he realized there was something different about that guy, in the most negative sense. It seemed like he aged drastically within a couple of days, the glimpse of blooming life in the old man’s eyes completely gone. Instead, those eyes were aimlessly wandering around the room as he picked a seat far away from the girls he had been flirting with some days before. His shoulders were hanging as he dragged his feet to the seat, his motions tired and slow, like he hadn’t slept much or, the bags beneath his eyes made Castiel guess, maybe not at all. During the whole class, Dean barely moved, avoided any eye- contact (which made the girls whisper in disbelief) and almost never looked up from his note pad, even though he wasn’t even taking notes – he held his pencil tightly in his fist. Dean looked exhausted, like a living definition of being stressed- out. Castiel frowned, as he spotted someone in the corner of his eye: Alastair.

Said one, whose place must have provided an excellent view at Dean, leaned back with a content smile.

Dean must have stepped in to Alastair’s infamous trap, Castiel was sure, but what exactly was going on? Castiel couldn’t help but to wonder and think of the worst things that might be happening in Dean’s life. He felt the need, the urge to help, but what was he supposed to do? He knew neither Dean nor what was really happening. He wasn't able to do anything. His hands were tied. _Right?_

* * *

_I don’t deserve this crap. I might not serve the good things, but damn, that doesn’t mean I deserve being in hell permanently. What have I ever done wrong?_

It was Rebecca Rosen’s turn that day. He never met that girl before, but she must have been about Sam’s age, Dean guessed.

_God, she’s still a damn child._

It might have been going on only for a few weeks by now, but Dean felt like he already scared the shit out of half the school.

_But it’s for Sam._

He followed Rebecca quietly through the school’s hallways. During lunch breaks, the hall ways were basically empty; most students went outside or to the cafeteria to eat. Nobody would see him, Dean knew. But still, he had to be fast – someone might always be hanging around somewhere near. Plus, the break will be over soon, there wasn’t much time left anyway. He really wished he wouldn’t have to do this, but he had no choice. Alastair wanted him to do this on Rebecca on that exact day. Maybe, this would be over soon, anyway? Dean closed his eyes and swallowed hard. It had to be over soon. It was eating him up already. He felt like he became everything that he swore never to become: a pain and fear providing excuse of a human being. He never saw so many people shaking and crying like he did in this short time. He was a fucking criminal who could only hope to be never ever caught. Alastair promised he would be safe, but why should Dean believe him?

 _Son of a bitch_ , he thought to himself.

Under different circumstances, he would have Alastair given the finger and a witty response, but he had a damn gun, loaded and ready to shoot, set to his chest.

Dean had to do it. For Sam.

Sam was so happy now. Being at Bobby’s home, having a normal house, a functional family, a daily routine and not to worry about food and money did wonders to that kid. He was as smart and eager to learn as always, but he was happy now. Fucking happy. It was up to Dean to take care it stayed like this.

Dean peaked around the corner where he was waiting for the right moment to approach Rebecca – she was busy rummaging in her locker and obviously not paying attention to whatever happened around her. She didn’t notice Dean coming closer and standing next to her. With a quick motion, he slammed her locker door shut; she could just jump away fast enough for her not to be hit by the door. She dropped the papers she was holding and shrieked in shock, but within a blink of an eye, she frowned angrily at Dean.

“What is your problem, _boy_?”

For a young girl, she was pretty intimidating, Dean had to admit. But now, it wasn’t the time to give kudos or to be friendly at all – he had a job to do. She was about to get down to collect the papers she let fall to the floor, as Dean spoke in his lowest voice.

“You have the money?”

She stopped in her motion and made a step back, slowly fear showed up on her face.

“What?”

“You heard me pretty well. Do you have it?”

God, Dean hated being this heartless and demanding. This wasn’t him, that was not what he wanted to be. But sadly, it was just too easy for him to become this. It was like he slipped in someone else’s skin that fitted him better than his own. He was afraid. He was afraid to really turn in to a monster. That’s why he avoided Anna the best he could during the days before and spoke as less as possible to Sam, Jo and his friends at school. Nobody should suspect anything or even meet this mess that Dean feared to turn in to.

Rebecca didn’t answer; she just made another step backwards, Dean following. He raised an eyebrow, as she kept on walking backwards, running in to the lockers on the wall opposite hers. He walked up to her in two quick steps and to make sure she won’t escape again, he slammed his hands on the lockers, left and right to her head. Rebecca was caught, lockers behind and Dean right before her. She slowly lifted both her hands as if she considered slapping him, but instead, she simply held them in a kind of defensive manner up to her chest.

Dean locked eyes with her, smirking.

“Come on. Don’t make it so hard.”

She narrowed her eyes as she bit down her bottom lip. The fear was wiped away again, a smile appeared on her face, slowly.

_Why is she…?_

Dean heard steps approaching, voices talking… _adult_ voices. Are there teachers coming?

_“HEEELP!”_

Dean jumped at the shrieking sound, Rebecca screamed on top of her lungs. He heard the steps stopping and then, coming closer, very fast.

He was scared, he didn’t know what to do.

In plain panic, he looked around. On the one end of the hallway were people rushing towards them, the other side was a wall, a dead end. There weren’t class rooms he could escape in, no windows to jump out, just one door a few steps away from them…

Said door opened quickly, two arms of beige fabric reached out, grabbing Dean’s shoulder and pulling him in firmly. He stumbled inside what he soon recognized as a janitor’s closet. It was dark as hell, barely enough room for two people. He felt a broomstick smacking his head and almost stepped in to a bucket on the floor as he finally got to stand on both his feet again – usually, Dean wouldn’t mind to be that close with someone in secret, but he was confused, scared and he had no idea, who the other one was. Since they stood so close that they almost stepped on each other’s feet, Dean could tell that the other one was almost as tall as him and he supposed by the smell of after- shave and firm grip that pulled him, he must be a guy as well.

“Who are you?” Dean asked with a shaking voice, but the other one didn’t reply, instead, he quickly put a hand over Dean’s mouth to shut him up. The hand was cold, pretty big and even though it came up to his face very fast, it lingered softly on his mouth.

“Shh.” The other one whispered with a low, a little raspy voice. _Yep, definitely a dude._

Dean wanted to reach out for the door knob, as he heard someone talking in the hall way.

“Why are you shouting, Miss Rosen?” A concerned female voice was asking.

“D- dean Winchester was about to beat me up to get my money!” Rebecca’s voice was shaking, but still loud and clear, Dean was sure he even heard her stomping her feet.

“That’s not-” he said almost in a whisper, his lips brushing the other guy’s palm, which was now pressed a little more firmly against his mouth. Dean could feel his heart racing. What the hell is going on?

“Where is he?” A male voice was talking now.

“In there!”

Dean heard footsteps approaching the closet’s door, his heart was beating so fast and so loud against his ribcage, he heard blood rushing through his ears.

_That’s it. They got us._

The pressure on his lips got lighter as he heard the door knob being rattled. Dean supposed the other one was leaning against the door with his whole weigth. _Clever boy._

“It’s locked, Miss Rosen.” The male voice outside sounded pissed.

“But I swear, he’s in there.”

“It is _locked_.” The male voice repeated, this time a little more pissed.

“The break is over in a few minutes, I guess you should pick up your paper and head over to your class room.” The female voice spoke calmly, but with a tone of annoyance.

“But-“

“Miss Rosen.” Dean smiled a little about the male teacher; his lips touching the stranger's palm again.

He heard something that must have been Rebecca stomping again, then one, two, then three pair of feet walking away. After a couple of seconds, Dean couldn't even hear them any more.

The other guy was breathing in deeply and Dean felt a tight grip on his shoulder again. Before he even realized what was happening, the door opened and he was pushed again, stumbling out in to hall ways as he heard the door slamming shut again. He looked to the door, then all around, and back to the door again, waiting for the guy to come out as well, while he tried to figure out what the hell has happened. But the guy didn't come out, Dean realized. No use waiting. He tried to catch his breath and then, he started to run, just run, run away from the weirdest incident that just took place.

But just around the corner, he ran in to someone.

Mr. Henriksen, his chemistry teacher. It seemed like he was waiting for him, leaning against the wall and smiling like he just caught someone he disliked screwing up badly.

“Mister Winchester, just as I expected.” Now it dawned on Dean why the male voice outside the closet sounded kind of familiar.

“You expected me? Now, that’s kinda… nice? But, well, the break is over soon and I got to go, so…” Dean smiled in the most charmingly way possible as he tried to walk past the teacher, but said one gripped his sleeve to hold him back.

“I don’t know how you are involved, what you did or how you even managed to disappear, but I’m sure you are somehow part of something that I cannot approve of.” Dean gasped, the anger in Mr. Henriksen's eyes promised nothing good. 

_Yeah. Getting out like this would have been too easy, huh?_

“Henriksen!" A male voice shouted suddenly. Said one looked up, confused; Dean turned around as well to see who was calling. A rather short, older dude, dressed in a black suit, peaked his head out of one of the doors, smiling innocently at Mr. Henriksen who immediately let go of Dean. "Would you mind me taking Mister Winchester along? I have something to chat about with him.” Dean frowned. He hadn't seen this man before, so what could they be even talking about?

“Sure, he’s all yours.” The confident smile was completely gone as Mr. Henriksen nodded towards Dean and the man in the door way, then he made his way in the opposite direction, shaking his head. The other man waved at Dean as an invitation to follow him, Dean obeyed hesitantly.

 _Who is this?_ Dean wondered, since he never met this man before.

He looked around the room he just entered and figured out he was in an office – _wait a minute_ , an office, at _school_? So this was…?

“Sit down, please.” The other man walked behind his desk and gestured to one of the chairs in front of it. Dean sat down, still looking around. _What kind of screwed- up day is this?_

“We haven’t had the pleasure, didn’t we?” The other man started talking again, pulling Dean out of his thoughts. He replied by shaking his head.

The man smiled as he leaned forward, pointing at the sign on his desk.

“My name’s Crowley. I run this hell.”

Dean read the sign – _principal_ – and smiled. _What a sarcastic son of a bitch._

“See, it is my job to take care that everything's going alright in here. Managing the business. Making sure it runs the way it's supposed to. But some things are always going wrong, right? I got some _top secret information_ that you joined some pretty illegal group that’s been messing around here for a while.”

Dean sat up stiffly. _This kind of speech never ends well._

“I watched this thing going on for some time and I would love to burn alive everyone involved-“

_There we go._

“- but since my trustworthy informant that told me about you being part of this swears you’re innocent, I’ll let you out. See, I usually don’t let anyone who ever gets to sit here leave without any kind of penalty, but I am convinced that your friend told the truth.”

_Wait, what friend? Did he talk about-_

“You honestly got some guardian angel watching over you, boy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woops, that was a pretty long chapter - do you like it this long or should I split chapters in the future? Do you have anything else to say about the chapter/ the story so far? I'd like to hear what you're thinking!  
> A propos next chapter, I already started writing the next one, I promise it's up next week!   
> Hope to see you there again! :)


	3. Closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome to Round 3! :)  
> Thank you for every kudo and comment, I'm happy about any kind of feedback and I'm so relieved you guys actually like my story so far! :D Thank you so very, very, very much :)  
> I hope you'll enjoy the latest chapter as well, including the first proper direct interaction between Dean and Cas! The real action is now about to start, yay!   
> Have fun and tell me what you think!

“I cannot believe you idjit really did this bullshit!”

Dean jumped at the sound of Bobby’s fist hitting the table, so did Jo and Sam, standing behind Ellen, who uneasily watched her husband.

Bobby had been yelling at Dean for solid fifteen minutes now. After he had to confirm principal Crowley that he was indeed pressured by Alastair to be the school’s new boogey man, Dean thought the nightmare was over and done, but no, it seemed that Mr. Crowley had called the Singers to tell them… well, _everything_. Dean was surprised how much Bobby, Ellen, and so Mr. Crowley as well, _really_ knew about this case.

Dean had barely made his way in to the house as Bobby already grabbed Dean by the arm to drag him in to the kitchen, pushing him in to one of the chairs at the tiny table, Ellen following him, trying to calm him down. Bobby had already sat down on the opposite side, facing Dean.

“How did you plan to get out of this? What were you even expecting to gain from that shit anyway? Money? Respect? A medal? _A fucking parade?_ ”

 _Of course not_ , Dean thought, but didn’t dare to say it out loud. He still hoped that this would end fast if he kept avoiding taking up his part in that one-sided conversation. Seeing Bobby this furious made him speechless anyway, Dean couldn’t think of something to say, even if he wanted to.

_And another one that I just disappointed._

“But maybe-“, Sam started talking but shut up immediately as Bobby turned to him. Though his expression was soft, Sam didn’t dare to speak up against his foster-father. Instead, he just looked down at his feet, while Jo's eyes helplessly went back and forth at both her parents, when Ellen finally grabbed both kids’ shoulders and guided them out of the kitchen’s door way. “Dinner won’t be ready before 6. So why don’t you get upstairs and do some homework in the meantime?” She spoke in a very calm, motherly voice. It made Dean feel all warm inside to know that this kind of mother-figure is now part of his life, but at the same time, it stung in his chest to know that he just disappointed this exact person. Bobby turned around to face Dean again; the boy sank deeper in to his chair.

_Oh, damn._

“Dean,” Bobby’s voice was suddenly calm and almost soft as he almost whispered, “I simply worry about you. I am responsible for you. I don’t want to patronize or try to replace a father, I... I just cannot bear watching another Winchester falling to pieces right in front of me. So please, pick yourself up. Don’t fuck up this second chance’s second chance. It was too crazy to happen and it happened anyway... somehow.”

Dean just nodded, still speechless. He couldn’t tell what actually impacted him more, the fact that he basically got caught in the act of something criminal or the fact that he just got out of it without any consequences, because a damn stranger _literally pulled him out of  this hell_. Bobby got up from his chair, shaking his head as he walked out of the kitchen. As he stood in the door way, he turned around again, smiling at Dean.

“It’s like someone up there wants you to keepn goin'.”

 

It might have been late already, but Dean didn’t mind. He was in one of Bobby’s bigger garages busy with cleaning up his beloved car, his darling, his _baby_ \- a Chevy Impala. Since he already fixed everything about her (he was sure his car was a lady) and de- and re-constructed that damn engine countless times, he decided it was a good idea to clean his baby completely, it kept his mind and hands buys and was still something productive to do. It was truly a blessing that they actually got to live with Bobby, a mechanic who ran a damn service station - everything Dean needed was in reach. Even when he was still a little child and Bobby took care of the Winchester brothers, Dean had been fascinated with cars and was eager to learn anything about them, how they work, how to fix and improve them. Bobby had taught him already enough that he was basically able to take care of his car all alone.

While whistling along to one of the old classic rock tapes playing in the car's cassette deck, he cleaned up the last stains on his baby's hood, as he got interrupted.

"The car is already blinding clean. Seriously. Or are you going to eat straight from the hood?"

Dean stopped whistling. "Sam, you'll never understand how to treat a lady. A lady deserves being beautiful all the time, every day. Bitch."

"It's a damn _car_. Jerk."

Dean couldn’t help but to smile as he turned around to give his younger brother a long speech about the relation between women, cars and gentleman behavior; but as he saw the bitchface his brother was already making, Dean let the topic be. Instead, he cleaned up his hands with the old towel that he laid on his shoulders and leaned against the car, facing his brother. Though it seemed like Sam might have only been coming there to bitch around, Dean felt, he simply _knew_ , there was something more. Since Sam seemed to have something on his chest, as he chew down his bottom lip but still remained silent, Dean reached inside the car through the passenger's window to turn off the music, the silence as an invitation for Sam to speak.

"Don't you think it's about time to get some music from like, dunno, this century?"

Dean rolled his eyes.

"Shut your cakehole."

He knew this wasn't what Sam wanted to talk about.

"You didn't do this voluntarily." It was hard to tell if Sam was asking a question or stating a fact, his voice suddenly not as clear and confident as usual. But his eyes stared straight into his brother's, with an urge to get an answer, an explanation, simply _anything_.

"Nope." Dean replied with a shrug. But Sam didn't seem to be satisfied. He didn't react, just continued staring. Dean frowned, uncomfortable to be stared at like that.

"Gosh, Sammy, what do you wanna hear?" Dean threw up his arms in a dramatic gesture, Sam still unimpressed.

"I just want to hear you're not... " Sam couldn't bring himself up to finish this sentence, eyes wandered around aimlessly, as if he tried to find the least hurting way to put _whatever_ in to words.

Dean threw the towel to the ground, grabbed Sam's shoulders and stared straight in to his brother's eyes.

"Sam... you know me. _You. Know. Me._ "

Sam swallowed and nodded. _Of course he did._

"I just had no other choice than doing this. And believe me, there wasn't a damn second where I wished I hadn't have to do this. But I had to. Was the lesser evil."

Both brothers remained silent for what felt like an eternity, as Dean patted his brother's shoulders and finally let go of him. Just as Dean turned back to his baby, Sam raised his voice again.

"What would have been the greater evil?"

Dean closed his eyes, gulping. He hoped that he could avoid to ever tell anyone, but in vain, it seemed. He never lied to Sam, not once in their lives, but in the worst cases, he always found a way of only telling half (or even less) the truth. And _this_ was one of the worse cases.

"Getting bullied and blackmailed myself."

"Why didn't you tell Bobby? Or a teacher? Dude, we even have _friends_ there at school!"

Sam wasn't satisfied with this answer, obviously. Dean clenched his fist, he knew himself that the kid had a damn valid point.

He sighed. "It didn't want to cause a fuss or get in to more trouble. Or cause anyone else trouble."

"You could have at least told _me._ " The hurting in Sam's voice went right through Dean's chest.

"I wish I could have, Sam. But I couldn't. I really couldn't.", he almost whispered.

"It would have gotten _us_ in to trouble to tell Alastair to screw himself, right?"

Dean nodded, looking down at the suddenly very interesting garage floor, not able to turn around to Sam again.

Sam nodded as well, raising his eyebrows as he seemed to get the confirmation he was waiting for.

"Thank you", he said, almost inaudible. Dean forced a little smile as he felt tears slowly coming up. He blinked hard to make them stop, he was not going to cry, not now, not _ever_.

"You should stop playing the big man, jerk.", Sam said louder again, punching Dean's upper back.

"Stop that, bitch.", Dean reached behind him to shoo his brother's hand away.

"Seriously, whoever was responsible for you getting out like that... deserves a damn present basket."

* * *

 

_Oh dear God, I hope I did the right thing._

This thought repeated over and over in Castiel's mind since the day before, since he told principal Crowley what he _guessed_ what was going to happen and since he pulled Dean out of the danger zone right in to the closet. At least he was sure Dean wasn't able to tell _who_ was responsible for all this. Castiel couldn't tell why, but he felt guilty. Things might have turned out the best possible way in this kind of situation, but still he felt like this wasn't over. A feeling in his stomach told him there was still something to come.

He wished he'd only known how Dean was, if he was doing alright. Principal Crowley promised him no punishment for Dean, but he was a principal, after all - and one of the meaner ones, as well. He wouldn't believe Dean was alright, safe and sound before he had seen it himself. But of course, on this exact day they weren't going to have any classes together until after lunch. That circumstance wasn't really helpful in his attempt to focus on whatever his teachers were saying or at least, to find something to think about that had not something to do with Dean. But it was in vain, Castiel couldn't help but to care about, well, _Dean_.

He sighed in relief as the bell finally rang and the teacher dismissed them to lunch break.

He stuffed his notepad, text books and pencil case in to his black messenger bag, swung it onto his shoulder and rushed ahead, like in some kind of trance, as he suddenly bumped in to someone. The collision brought him back to earth, realizing he practically _ran_ outside. He left the room _with_ everyone, not _after_ them. He was part of the flood of people streaming in to the hall way. His eyes and mouth widened in shock and so did those of the girl he actually ran into - she seemed to be surprised as well that indeed Castiel Milton, _that_ Castiel Milton, the shadow of the school, was not behind, but among them. She surely would have been pissed at someone else, but since she knew (well, everyone knew) that this was _so not_ Castiel, she stepped aside and let him pass. He was confused first, but with a nod as a gesture to say _Thank you_ , he went out, in to the hall way and to the school yard. Mid- March's sun was shining warm and bright, the only shadow beneath the tree where Castiel's favorite bench stood. Quickly it got more and more crowded outside, so he started walking faster, defending his place beneath the tree. As he got there, he sat down immediately, scanning the crowd as he reached down into his bag to get his lunch. After stating that Dean wasn't outside yet, his eyes went over to the doors. His heart skipped a beat when he saw the one he was looking for.

 _Dean_ , Castiel whispered, embarrassed, when he noticed he didn't actually only think this.

But when he saw that Dean smiled, alive and happy, while he made his way outside and towards his friends’ table, Castiel smiled as well. _Seems like everything went well_. That was enough for him to finally be calmed down enough to occupy his mind with something different, so he pulled a novel out of his bag and started reading, a faint, pleased smile on his face.

Dean was safe.

* * *

When Dean finally made his way outside to their usual spot, Chuck, Jo and Ash were already there, the two latter discussing loudly and in elaborate gestures.

"Hey _gossip girls_ , what's the hot topic?" Dean said jokingly, as he swung his old and washed-out backpack on the table.

"You.", Chuck answered without looking up from his notepad, writing furiously as if he tried to write down everything the two talking blondes where saying.

Before Dean could ask how he got the questionable honor to be discussed, a sting passed through Dean’s whole body. There was him, _him_.

In the corner of his eyes, just as he turned around to greet a shouting Sam, he caught a glimpse of a beige cloth, a sight that didn’t leave his mind since the day before. There he was… _was he_? Sitting in the only shadowy spot, all alone, chewing on a sandwich? Dean narrowed his eyes to improve his sight, but the boy was just too far away. He rumbled through his mind, trying to remember if he had seen him somewhere else before (what could be a possible explanation why he seemed so familiar, as well) and trying to make a mental identikit from everything he was able to perceive from his savior. Damn, why was this dark closet so damn… dark?

“Hey? He-hey! You okay?” Ash waved his hand up and down right before Dean’s face, as Dean turned to him.

“Who’s that?” Dean asked, pointing at the trench coat phantom. As if this was a command, everyone turned in to the direction Dean was pointing at, even Sam and Kevin, who just arrived at the table.

Chuck stood up from his seat, standing tiptoed. “Who?”

Dean groaned, as he grabbed Chuck’s arm to make him sit down again. How unobtrusive.

After a short glance, Ash nodded and turned around again, leaning towards Dean in a conspiratorially manner.

“That’s Castiel Milton, your year. One sister, three brothers. Clever kid. But a lonesome cowboy. Obviously.”, he stated the facts as if they were his daily vocabularies, “Never noticed him? You two must be sharing some courses.”

Just as Dean was about to mentally check his memories of each course, Kevin shared his knowledge of the no-more-this-mysterious-phantom as well.

“He was in school’s orchestra with me ‘till last year. I don’t know why he quit, the guy’s pretty skilled at piano and even harp.” Dean nodded, impressed.

“Why wanna know?”, Jo was visibly puzzled, but Sam seemed to understand his brother’s sudden interest. “Do you think he’s…?” Dean nodded again and rushed off, towards the boy in the shadows. Before he even realized that he was in fact walking, he was already there, in front of him.

Dean didn’t understand why his feet carried him straight to the guy, or why he felt so damn helpless and nervous standing there right in front of him, scratching the back of his head as he tried to find something to say, something to start with. Under slightly more normal circumstances he wouldn’t think twice about how to initiate a conversation, something somehow always came up to his mind to talk about.

Suddenly, the trench coat-boy’s fuzzy, dark bed-head moved up, piercing blue eyes widened as they saw Dean – both boys jumping in shock as their eyes met.

As if the whole world around them ceased to exist, they stared at each other for a couple of endless seconds, both completely taken off guard - surprised to see each other properly, close, for the first time. They stared in awe, as if they witnessed something extraordinary happen right in front of them.

Dean gazed into those eyes that stared at him in startled surprise, through a bunch of messy hair that fell down on the other boy’s forehead. Those eyes were deep, somehow they reminded Dean of water, a lake, quiet, peaceful. They were different than any other eyes Dean had seen, and yet, there was something kind of familiar about them.

Castiel didn't even notice Dean approaching and he was about to stuff his things back in to his bag and run for his life as he looked up to see him standing in front of him. But he didn’t. He _couldn't_. He couldn't move. He couldn't help but staring at the one he always watched from afar being this close. Dean was even more fascinating when he was nearer. _And what's with this unusual green eyes?_

Dean stared, as if trying to reach the ground of the (metaphorically) lake's ground or at least remembering what those eyes reminded him of, as a loud noise brought him back to earth and almost caused him a damn heart attack. Some kids shrieked and yelled as they accidentally threw a basketball over the school's fence. Gosh, he didn’t even notice how far he actually had mentally drifted off, in an embarrassed motion he shut his mouth, because, somehow, his jaw must have dropped.

This incident reanimated Castiel as well, whose eyes finally went back to their usual size after looking into the noise's direction, in sync with Dean's motion. But soon both looked back at each other again, as if their eyes were glued on each other's face.

Castiel didn't know what to do. Not just that he wasn't very skilled when it came to human interaction, he just had no idea how to react to Dean in special, the one that turned up in this school and entered Castiel's view out of the blue, the one who was the most fun to watch, the one he just couldn't get out of any of his thoughts and the one he just saved the day before. Dean already affected Castiel so much before they even spoke a word. It bugged Castiel because he didn't understand _why_. He didn’t know what was going on, he didn’t know what Dean was wanting, he didn’t know what he himself wanted, he couldn’t think of anything to say or to do. So he kept on staring, knowing, that this surely wasn’t that much of a brilliant idea, but what else was he supposed to do?

Thankfully, after clearing his throat loudly, Dean started talking – well, he tried.

Dean couldn't understand himself why he was this nervous. Sure, it was the dude that just saved his sweet ass, but still, it was just a random guy from school, so why does this feel like a big deal? Why did his feet start walking before his brain commanded it and why is he, Dean "King of Sass" Winchester suddenly lacking any words? Not even the hottest girls made his brain go this blank, not in the slightest. And maybe that was the problem - winking and smiling won't be useful here.

"Hey-" Dean cleared his throat again, his voice sounded more like a croak than his actual voice " _-hey_. May I?" Dean pointed to the bench on the other side of the table, opposite Castiel, who replied with a slight nod, as his eyes drifted slowly downwards, to the ground. Suddenly, he couldn't bear looking at Dean anymore. Dean sat down, dropped his backpack beside him on the bench and laid his folded hands down on the table. For a second, he looked at his fingers, searching for a way to put all his thoughts and questions in an order to make a decent conversation and after a deep breath, he spoke again.

"You did that, didn't you?"

These words went right through Castiel, his head went up in shock again. His palms got sweaty, he noticed, as he fumbled with his trench coat's sleeves, his hand hidden in his lap. He knew it had been a bad idea. Unable to look at him when he was talking, Castiel turned his head slightly, looking past Dean.

"Yeah.", it was more a whisper than a reply.

 _This is him._ Dean realized that the whisper sounded just like that in the closet, low and raspy, a sound that didn't leave his mind not even at night, when he tried to fall asleep.

Castiel slowly moved towards his bag again, again with the intention of packing his things and escaping the emerging confrontation (no matter how stupid and even pointless it was, he had no other idea), as Dean's words made him stop again.

"Thanks, man."

Castiel couldn’t believe his ears. He didn’t really hear that, Dean didn’t really say that. But as he looked up, he saw a soft smile on Dean's face, that kind of honest smile he witnessed Dean making so many times before. And this time, _he_ caused it, he, himself, nobody else - he couldn't help smiling as well, shyly.

"But why did you-" Dean continued, but he couldn't bring himself to look into the other one's eyes and he gulped, he didn’t know how to finish the sentence. He was afraid of the answer, but he urged to know the truth at the same time.

Castiel couldn't find an answer himself. It just felt _right_ to do this, but how do you explain a feeling? He would have never forgiven himself if he wouldn’t have done anything about it. He was too scared that Dean might have gotten into some really serious trouble that he decided to let go of his usual watching-not-interfering-attitude, just once. Yes, _that_ is the answer, Castiel realized.

“Felt right.”, he said calmly, shrugging.

Dean was surprised, he didn’t expect such a short and simple answer. _No_. No, this was not possible. _This can’t be the only reason, there has to be more to it_. He clenched his jaw as he eyed Castiel suspiciously. “And that’s everything about it, yeah? You just run around saving people’s asses because of compassion and charity?” Dean shook his head. 

“No, usually I- I don't... You’re the only one.” Castiel felt somehow suddenly pretty stupid for saying this.

Dean didn’t seem to like this answer as well. “Great. What you want from me? Money? My crap phone? My damn soul?”

Castiel tilted his head, bewildered. He curled his forehead. “Wha- what? I already have money. And a phone. And a soul.” Castiel spoke calm, but with certainty, but with some confusion in the last part.

Dean seemed to realize that Castiel was serious, his earnestness on his face slowly fading in to uncertainty. Castiel caught the shift in Dean. “You should restore your faith in humanity. Not everyone is trying to get you down.”

Dean forced a smile. “Thanks for the fortune cookie-quote.” He tried to push the other one’s words with that lame joke aside, but couldn’t help to let that sinking in to him. The boy really seemed to be honest with what he was saying and there was something so calm and serene about him that made Dean feel somewhat safe around him. Maybe, this dude was really one of the good ones – anyhow, he hadn’t demanded a favor in return… _so far_.

Suddenly, Dean sat up, wondering. "What's even your name?" Dean knew Ash already told him, but he didn't pay attention and it sounded too weird to remember, too weird to even be a real name, anyway.

"I'm... I'm Castiel." The other one replied calmly, but still somewhat timid. Dean nodded, the weird name was actually valid, but still... well, _weird_. And kinda long.

"Okay, ugh, Ca- Cast- _Cas_. How about Cas? Is Cas okay? Anyway, I'm Dean." He held out his hand, Castiel looking at it as if he was offered something he had never seen before, before he came back to his senses and took it, executing a proper handshake.

"It is a shortened version of my name -", he mumbled, more to himself, as he shook Dean's hand, "- but it's okay. It's okay… _Dean_."

The handshake was short, but both boys smiled. Castiel, who liked the idea of being called Cas, felt his whole body relaxing, as he noticed that Dean got comfortable, the doubts in his face gone. None of them said anything, but it wasn’t one of those awkward silences that made them feel uncomfortable. Cas didn't feel like Dean wanted to talk to overcome the quiet, like Anna always wanted to, no. It was calm, both at peace with not saying anything, relaxing more and more with every passing second. They simply watched the other students, mostly the younger ones at the basketball field, where something like a little match was taking place. Some kids were really skilled and the game was heating up, so Cas and Dean enjoyed watching it. Dean didn’t really know why he stayed with Cas, why he even _sat down_ in the first place. It simply felt good, _he_ felt good about it. Cas was not asking, not expecting, not demanding, not talking, he was just there, resting in himself, like he was in harmony with the world and himself. Cas’ presence seemed really able to calm him down, Dean slowly felt some kind of peace as well, like it was contagious.

The kids suddenly stopped playing and parted with high fives and left off to get their school bags. Dean glanced on his watch; break was almost over. Cas seemed to realize it as well, as he reached to his bag. “You have history now, too?” Dean asked, voice low and calm, because he was calm himself, but also to keep up the fragile peace between them. Cas looked to Dean, surprised of the unexpected question, and nodded. “Pack your stuff, I’ll wait.” Dean smiled as if to put an emphasis to what he just said and Cas nodded, quickly gathering his belongings.

Dean waited patiently for Cas to pack his things, he didn't want him to feel like he needed to hurry. He couldn't help but watching him (out of the corners of his eyes, of course), there was just something about the dark haired, something Dean had never witnessed before. Beneath the silence and shyness that Dean was sure he perceived correctly, there must be lingering something that Dean would call serenity and, though it might be a ridiculous word to describe a teenager, _wisdom_. Cas' face was calm, almost still and evenly, like one of those antique marble statues of handsome dudes. It almost felt impossible for Dean to be the same age as Cas, who seemed much more mature than himself, looking so much older with his neat clothes and the trench coat. But it was the slight nervous shaking of Cas' hand that Dean almost hadn't noticed and the absolutely unkempt, fuzzy hair, that stuck into every possible direction, some streaks falling into Cas' face, that made the other look almost like his age and surely much more human.

As he slightly looked up while packing, Cas (who decided to stick to that nickname, his very first nickname that wasn't sibling mocking) noticed Dean's looks. He assumed Dean tried to be covertly about it by looking here and there before turning to Cas again, what amused him. Usually, he would have freaked out to know someone's watching, but now, he felt even a little happy about it. Happy to be interesting enough for Dean. He could tell from the expression on Dean's face and the way he tried to be discreet about his looking, that Dean wasn't judging him. Dean wasn't looking because of amusement. Dean was honestly interested, even a little curious? The way Dean tried not to follow his eyes with a turn of the head reminded Cas of himself, when he had first started watching and analyzing his environment. If only his damn hands wouldn't be shaking this hardly to control, Cas was angry about himself. Just because he felt somewhat flattered about Dean's company and his interest, didn't mean it still didn't make him nervous, very nervous. _Breathe easy, Cas, breathe easy_. _And please, please, be cool_.

 _What is so damn interesting about that dude?_ , Dean thought to himself. But he didn't answer, he just couldn't. He checked out some girls here and there on the school yard, some girls even responded his looks with a smile, but something always drew him back to Cas. _Majestic?_ _No. Elegant_ , Dean thought, _elegant would be a fitting word to describe Cas._ As he watched Cas rise from his seat when he stood up in front of him, Dean held in his breath for a split second. Though Cas was slightly shorter, there was something powerful and kind of intimidating, Dean realized - _that's not someone to mess with_ , he thought. Cas seemed proud, as he stood there, straight back and upheld shoulders, perfect posture and his squinted eyes set on Dean's, confident. But within a blink of an eye, Cas' shoulders slumped down and his eyes widened in question - to Dean it almost felt like he watched the transition from Superman back to Clark Kent, Cas looked like a different person. He wondered what made Cas change in his attitude so much, what replaced the self-assurance with confusion, as he realized, it was he himself. Dean didn't move or say anything, he just stood there, staring. So he turned around and started walking, waving at Cas to make him come with him. "C'mon, we gotta go."

Cas followed obediently, his head lowered, the confidence Dean just witnessed completely gone, what bugged him. He walked slowly enough to catch up with Cas, who dragged his feet a few inches behind him. Dean swung his arm around Cas’ neck, grabbing his shoulder and shaking him slightly. “Why suddenly so serious? Head up and shoulders broad and the chicks gonna love you.” Dean murmured, Cas stiffed up immediately, a little awkward. It embarrassed him that Dean called him out on his posture, but after a few steps, he realized, Dean wasn’t _calling him out_. He was being nice, he _gave him an advice_. He never thought about what others, especially girls, might be thinking about the way he walks… but well, keeping up some posture was surely never wrong. Dean let go of Cas to wave at his friends as they passed by their table, they were about to head back to their class rooms as well. Cas noticed that all their looks went from Dean over to himself, surprised to see him, but waving at him as well, even with faint smiles on their faces. Cas waved back, shyly. Dean looked at Cas, then at his friends and huffed a laughter. _What an adorably awkward exchange_.

Somehow, soon Dean and Cas ended up walking side by side way too close to each other into school, down the hallways, towards their class room.

Feeling someone this close that he could actually sense the other one’s warmth made Cas feel weird, but in a good way. He wasn’t that used to human kindness, so he was thankful about it - too bad that Dean left Cas’ side just as they entered the class room. Some students were already there, among them Dean’s special female friends, whom he spotted immediately. He rushed towards them to sit with them again, but not to smile at Cas once more. “You’re cool.”

Cas smiled back at Dean and went to sit back in the room, at the window, happily, the smile not fading until class started.

They hadn’t had the chance to talk to each other again that day since they only shared that one class, but Cas didn’t mind. The exchange was already more than he ever thought what was likely to happen and there was nothing more he was expecting, anyway. He was happy. 

* * *

It wasn’t late yet, but Cas decided to go to sleep. He couldn’t focus on anything that night, anyway. He couldn’t help but thinking about lunch break again and again. For someone normal, or at least more normal than Cas himself, nothing special took place, but for Cas, the watcher, the outsider in the literal shadow, something essential happened. Someone spent time with him, voluntarily, and it didn’t feel weird. It felt good, it felt right. Dean wasn’t repelled by anything about Cas, not at all, unlike everyone else Cas met. _Maybe, I am not that weird_ , Cas thought, smiling to himself as he shook his head. He was really being stupid about it. Castiel stood at his window, about to close his curtains, as he stopped, watching the night sky.

It was a beautiful sight, the moon was almost full and the stars shone bright, no clouds anywhere near. _This_ was special. Not what happened that day, that was nothing special. _He_ was still nothing special. He was still just Cas. Dean… well, _Dean_ might special, somehow -

\- Cas’ thoughts were interrupted, as he heard a sound, an approaching, purring engine sound. A couple of seconds later he saw a black car parking a few feet away from the Milton’s house. Since he knew their neighborhood very well and the street where they lived hadn’t really much traffic coming through, especially not in the late evening, Cas wondered who this might be. When he suddenly remembered why this black car seemed so familiar, he saw the driver’s head peaking out of the car’s window. _Dean_.

Dean?

 _What was Dean doing here?_ Cas’ heart stopped beating for a second, only to come back to life again with fast, forceful beats against his ribcage. _What is-_

Cas saw his sister’s red hair flowing in the wind as she ran from the house’s porch, across the front lawn towards Dean’s car, stopping to kiss Dean through the window, then running past the car’s hood and open the passenger’s door to get in. Cas clenched his fist. 

_Okay?_

He saw his sister sneaking out to meet boys regularly, for some years, basically. This was not her first.

With a loud thumb, Cas punched the wall, after a moment of pleasant insensitivity, pain pumped through hand, in sync with his dangerously fast heartbeat.

_It’s okay._

Anna was not Dean’s first or Dean’s only, Cas already established that Dean wasn’t exactly prude.

_This is okay, this is alright and surely, regarding their behavior, soon over anyway._

Cas breathed deep, as he closed his curtains with such a rough and fast motion that he almost ripped the curtain rod out of the wall. He clenched his jaw tightly on his way to his bed.

_It’s okay._

He mumbled to himself as pulled the blanket up to his chest.

_It’s nothing special._

He laid on his back, staring at the ceiling.

The thing between Dean and Anna was just a random hook up, nothing special.

Just like whatever had been there earlier that day between Dean and him.

_It is not special._

He shut his eyes, hands clawing in to his blanket.

_It is okay._

But why did every thought of Dean smiling at him, sitting with him, walking beside him lead to thoughts of Dean being with Anna, kissing Anna? Why did it feel like something stung through his chest, again and again?

The subtle wind outside, that ruffled the leaves of the tree before his window all evening long, started to blow harder and harder, telling Cas that a storm was approaching. He heard some raindrops already falling against his window, unsteady, unmelodic but something else than his thoughts that Cas could focus on.

He tried to count the raindrops, but as soon as the drizzle turned in to a proper rainstorm, he lost count.

He breathed deep.

_It is okay._

 

 


	4. Derailed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey dear readers,   
> Thank you so much for your support and for reading so far! I wish I could hug all of you!  
> Hopefully you'll enjoy this new chapter as well! There were butterflies everywhere inside while I wrote this, it made my so happy :)   
> But enough said, have fun with the following new addition!

“Well, it wasn’t _only_ bad…”

“…but it _was_ bad.”

“Well- “

“It sucked.”

“Oh yes.”

Anna gave her best to smile when he talked, but she obviously felt uneasy. Dean couldn’t blame her for that, since that feeling was mutual. Though this hook-up seemed to become a promising start at the new school, it ended up being pretty disastrous. Something felt so wrong about it that neither of them was comfortable or even in the mood, so they decided to call it a night and head back home again. Usually, Dean didn’t think twice or even overanalyze anything as long as he and some girl had fun and pleasure, but this time he just couldn’t keep himself from thinking hard about this whole thing. He realized that something was not just in sync, but also that something was missing, something beyond need and urge. He wondered why he suddenly was like this, but he couldn't help himself. He just couldn't enjoy it - and if you can't enjoy, it's going terribly... terrible.

"I guess it simply shouldn't be, huh?" Anna laughed helplessly, trying to make the situation less awkward by breaking the silence, but it wasn't helpful. In Dean’s opinion, it made things, _this_ thing, even worse when you keep on talking them over and over. But since he was too polite to simply ignore Anna's attempts, he nodded to reply. He knew that she only tried to make it a little more endurable to sit next to each other in the car, with heavy silence hanging like a dark cloud above them because Dean hadn't turned the music back on. Sure, he was relieved Anna wasn't one of those girls who would blame it solely on him and rush off in rage, cursing and insulting. But he still would have been thankful if she would stop poking him with a metaphorical stick.

"Thanks for driving me back home and not leaving me alone in the woods."

Dean nodded again, still not in the mood for cheap talk.

"Not that I thought you were this kind of mean..." Dean breathed sharply through his nose, nodding once again.

"... I was just unsure, after hearing those rumors about you being Alastair's new partner in crime."

These unexpected words made Dean accidently hit the brakes, the car stopped in a sudden motion. Thank God, there was no more traffic on the streets. Quickly, he started up his baby and drove off again. “Sorry,” Dean mumbled embarrassed, as Anna caught her breath, calming down after the slight shock. “It’s okay,” she said still somewhat breathing hard, before she let out a sigh and started talking once more. "But since Alastair's suspended and you're not I guess you're innocent, huh? You didn't seem like this kind of bad guy to me, anyway."

Dean was sure he must had misheard something, what did she just say?

"Alastair is... _suspended_?" Dean asked, quietly, in disbelief.

"Ugh, yeah... He terrorized countless people, including my friends. It was horrible, I tell you. Keeping him at school would be plain madness. It's been years already."

Dean wasn't listening anymore. Alastair was suspended, what a blessing... or not? Along with the first relief he soon felt fear. Sure, for now, Alastair was gone, but what if he came back, wanting revenge? Basically, Dean wasn't responsible for the punishment, but still... Alastair wouldn't believe him.

"Let me get out at the next crossroad. It's not far from there back home and your car isn't exactly, well, silent." Anna noted, Dean agreed with another silent nod. She was right, his baby's engine was indeed somewhat distinct. And he guessed that she was happy as well to get out of this uncomfortable situation quickly; Dean knew that she really didn't have a long way left once he dropped her off where she suggested. And since her neighborhood was pretty distinguished, he was sure she would get back home safe and sound.

Dean drove close to the pavement and stopped the car with the engine still running, Anna loosened her seat belt. "Thank you for this, ugh, evening," she realized herself that it was a stupid thing to say, but Dean didn't mind. She leaned towards him, but stopped halfway, as if she was contemplating what to do and then decided to just pat Dean's upper leg. "Bye." She smiled, slid out of the car and start walking fast, almost running home.

Once she was out, Dean let out a long and loud sigh. That was really, really bad. Anna was pretty and very nice, surely someone cool to hang out with, but not that soon again, that was for sure. It was hard to tell when things started to go so horribly wrong, or even, _why_. He just knew that he started to notice things he never paid attention to before and things he usually didn't care about suddenly turned him off completely. Anna surely wasn't the first girl that talked a little more than she should have, but until that day, Dean couldn't care less as long as both had their fun with each other. He never experienced any other form of company - until that day.

That lunch break he spent with trench coat kid, no, with Castiel, with _Cas_ , was something different. He couldn't remember the last time he got along so good with someone with basically saying nothing - someone beside Sam, of course. He felt so safe, at peace, but he couldn't tell why or how. This Cas dude really imprinted his mind, that was for sure. It felt so simple and naturally, which seemed so ridiculous, since they just met, but there was something clicking with him, something that was surely missing here with Anna. He couldn’t tell why he suddenly started comparing being with a girl to hanging out with a random dude, but well, here we are.

Dean wondered if Cas would like to spent time together again, since he didn't seem to mind having Dean around. Maybe, he _really_ wouldn't mind Dean's company some time again.

 _What are you, Winchester, a girl with a crush?,_ he mocked himself as he realized he was thinking about Cas again, with a shake of his head and a forced smile. _He just screwed up your sex life_ , Dean reminded himself, _you should never be thinking about him… never again_. Dean realized that throughout the day, his thoughts always came back to Cas, he even started to compare Anna's face to Cas' - maybe that's why he wasn't able to finish it with her. When Anna looked at Dean, big eyes colored with the same shade of blue and even shaped like Cas' eyes, but lacking a certain level of depth and mystery, it was over for him. He wasn't able to look at Anna anymore without looking for Cas there, which was pretty ridiculous. At the next red light he decided to turn some music on again to blast out any more thoughts that might come dressed up in a trench coat - for the rest of the ride back home there was nothing but a _Whole Lotta Love_ in his head.

 

“Good morning De- _damn_ , you look horrible!” Ellen almost dropped the toast she was eating as she saw Dean strolling in to the kitchen the next morning. She already wore her apron, ready to leave for work at the _Roadhouse_ , the diner she owned downtown. Dean smiled helplessly, knowing she was right. He felt like he spent the night trapped in a blender, tossing and turning in his bed after he came back home, not able to catch at least an hour of sleep. His thoughts went back and forth and all over the place, dealing with everything and nothing, asking questions and discussing possible answers. Though this took a whole night, he got up just as clever as he went to bed, with no solution for the crisis in his love life.

Dean just shrugged, scratching the back of his head with one hand, as he reached out the other to get the mug of coffee Ellen just poured him. “Something still wrong, sweetie?” Her concern was honest, her forehead curled as she cupped Dean’s face. He almost didn’t dare to lean into this tender gesture he still had to get used to, but slightly tilted his head towards this warm motherly touch as he shook his head. Ellen raised an eyebrow in disbelief, still cupping his face, but Dean attempted to smile. “Guess we just had full moon last night or something.” Still not satisfied, but accepting this answer, Ellen patted Dean’s face and let go of him. “I won’t be home until seven, but there are some leftovers from yesterday’s dinner in the fridge, so just heat ‘em when you guys are hungry, okay? Make sure Bobby eats something, too. He’s already off to work… as you can hear.” Ellen pointed over her shoulders towards the big amount of old cars parked beside a garage nearby the house. Bobby was taking them apart looking for spare parts for his customers’ cars. Just as she spoke, they heard a loud sound of metal hitting concrete, followed by a loud growl.

_“Balls!”_

Both couldn’t help but to smile.

“Dean, you ready?” Sam peaked his head through the kitchen's door as he put on his jacket, Jo’s head followed immediately. Dean nodded while finishing his coffee and rushed out of the kitchen, but turned around to Ellen once more, smiling. “Thank you.”, he mumbled, almost inaudible. Ellen smiled in return, but shooing him away with a wave of her hand. “Get out of here now or you gonna be late!”

Sam eyed Dean carefully as latter put on his shoes and his trademark leather jacket. “Something wrong, Sammy?” Dean chuckled, trying to mask his insecurity that his brother caused. Sam always noticed when something was wrong with Dean… and Dean wasn’t even sure if something really was wrong or not. “Nope.” Sammy answered casually and walked out of the door, following Jo who already waited at Dean’s Impala. “You only look like walking insomnia.” Dean wanted to give his little brother a witty comeback, but decided to leave it be – he couldn’t think of one, anyway.

* * *

 

Cas sat in the kitchen, drinking his cup of black coffee while casually browsing the newspaper. His tension from the night before didn’t vanish so far and combined with the lack of sleep didn’t serve well for a good mood. He supported his tired head with one hand, while his other hand clawed around his mug, fingers drumming in a quick and steady rhythm.

“Castiel. Stop that.”

Cas’ eyes went up, his head not following. Opposite him sat Naomi, his mother, his _step_ -mother, who eyed him reproachful, her lips pinched, as if she was waiting to scold him again. But instead, she took a sip from her cup of green tea, which Cas knew she didn’t even like. She only drank it because _it’s healthy_. To avoid any confrontation, Cas simply let go of the mug with his palm slamming loudly on the table. No, he surely was not in a good mood. Before Naomi could reprimand Castiel’s behavior, Anna rushed into the kitchen, adjusting her clothes and reaching for a bowl and a mug.

With the same stern face, Naomi turned to Anna, who just sat down next to Cas. He moved with his chair to make room for his sister.

“You’re late again,” Naomi stated with a note of annoyance to her voice.

 _I know why_ , Cas thought, trying to calm himself down by breathing in and out deeply.

"Still not too late for school, huh, Castiel?" She nudged her brother's arm while she quickly shoved her cereal in to her mouth. Unimpressed, Castiel folded the papers and dropped his mug into the kitchen sink on his way out. "Hurry up, I'm leaving in five minutes", Cas informed her almost emotionless. He put on his trench coat, grabbed his bag and went through the backdoor, past the backyard over to the carport, where Naomi’s, Anna’s and his cars were parked. He didn’t really understand why Anna insisted on having her own car since she could basically take Cas’ car almost any time, he only needed it to get to school and back home. But well, why should he care, it’s his father’s money that has been spent on the cars, the insurance, gas and what not.

It was still raining, big drops pouring down steadily and the clouds seemed to hang lower than usual that day. Cas sat in the driver's seat and watched the rain fall in front of him, the consistent rhythm of the rain against the car's roof calmed him down. He felt his heartbeat decelerated to a normal, healthy rate. He was at peace again.

“Oh my goodness, Castiel! Turn that down! The windows are about to burst!” Anna let herself fall onto the passenger’s seat and gave Cas an admonishing look. With a sigh he turned the volume of his music down – he couldn’t help himself that he preferred his music to be so loud that the world around him is silenced until there’s only himself left, surrounded by nothing but the music that _he_ chose, he himself and no one else.

“I’m surprised your ears are still intact when you blast your tunes on earsplitting level 24/7.”

“I always set the volume to a decent level.”

Anna giggled. “Even when you’re unreasoning, you’re still sensible… and boring.” She teased and stuck out her tongue to break through her brother’s reserve, her attempt rewarded with a slight smile from Castiel.

“Keep that smile, bro. Suits you better than your usual stoic expression.” Anna felt like some extra encouraging was necessary that day, something was just not quite alright with her brother, she could tell easily. He never was an enthusiastic morning person and surely not a chatterbox, but that particular morning, he was especially weird, like one of those rainclouds on the morning sky hung right above his head. Something was wrong with her brother, but Anna couldn’t put a finger on what exactly. But she could tell that it wouldn’t be a good idea to force any conversations on him or to even ask him what’s nagging him. She just let him be, with his still way too loud music as he chew on his bottom lip and held the driving wheel way too tight. If it’s something serious, he’ll come to her. He always did. Though the two youngest Miltons couldn’t be any more opposite to each other, they got along and were there for each other. They simply knew each other. And if there’s one thing Anna knew about her big brother it’s that you should never annoy him with trying to get too close.

* * *

 

After parking the car at the school’s parking lot and waving at Sam and Jo who left over to enter another building, Dean stuffed the keys in his pockets on his way to the first class. Something in his jacket rustled, making Dean wonder what it actually was. He reached inside and pulled the mysterious paper out - as he had a proper look at it, he remembered; those were the tickets he bought the day before, for the premiere in the movie theater downtown. He wanted to invite Anna, but well, after the catastrophic tête-a-tête he forgot about it. He even made sure they got seats far in the back row, what wasn’t very easy since the movie was basically sold out. And now, it’s just some wasted money. He should stop trying to impress girls this much. Sam was still too young for that movie, Jo as well like Kevin, too. Since the movie was surely sold out by now, he would feel horrible to invite only one out of Chuck, Ash and Garth. He sighed. It looked like he had to go alone or simply let the tickets expire. He had no one else to go with him, he didn’t even have a back-up girl or something. _Great, Winchester, very great._ To Dean it seemed like things simply were not meant to work out.

The sight of a certain trench coat comforted Dean and calmed him down again. He started to run to catch up with Cas, happy to see him again.

“Morning, buddy!” Cas felt a hand patting his shoulder, making him turn around in shock, only to look in to green eyes that have haunted him since the day before.

“Hello, Dean.” Cas turned away from Dean immediately, feeling uncomfortable tension building up inside. For once, Cas couldn’t face Dean.

"You okay, buddy?" Dean was worried. The peace he witnessed  the day before seemed to be completely gone, instead replaced with tension and insecurity.

"Yeah... yeah. I am okay." Cas didn't really believe his own words, but forced a smile that he realized couldn't fool Dean.

Dean again laid a hand onto Cas' shoulder and pushed him forwards as he kept on walking himself. He walked so close to Cas who could feel Dean's warm body against his own and his breath on his cheek as Dean leaned over to Cas' ear. Cas felt like he was about to explode, like Dean's warmth intruded his body and spread everywhere inside him. He was sure his cheeks already turned into a bright scarlet shade, which was plain ridiculous because there was no reason for his body to react this way. But he couldn't help but to let his heart race and his hands become all shaky and sweaty. This felt like an anxiety attack, well, almost, just minus the anxiety and with way more adrenalin.

"Sure?" Dean murmured, Cas gulped and nodded his head. He was just not used to people be around him, being so close and talking to him that were not one of his relatives. _Yes, that's the reason, yes_. That's what makes him nervous.

"Okay." Dean remarked, wondering, why he was interested in Cas' emotional state in the first place. Since when was he one for chick flicks and talking about how you feel? No way he's going to soften like this. Lost in thoughts again, Dean pushed his hand back in to his jacket’s pockets, suddenly remembering the tickets again. What about-

“Are you free tonight?” Dean asked as he pulled out the tickets to put them right in front of Cas’ eyes, who took a step immediately. Not just in surprised shock, but also to get a better view of what’s there in front of him. Cas had to tilt his head a little to read what’s written on the paper strips Dean held up and tried to make a connection between Dean’s words, those tickets and well, himself. Barely two blinks of an eye later was already too much time passing for Dean, as he slowly realized what he just did – once again he reacted before thinking. He could slap himself. Why did he do that? Why did he just invite Cas, someone he barely knows, to go and see a movie with him? Smooth. Cas was surely repelled by Dean’s offensive behavior and –

“I have nothing planned.” Cas replied simple, but with a note of perplexity. He didn’t dare to even think what Dean’s question could mean. Dean breathed a sigh of relief – he didn’t scare him off, at least.

“Mind joining me? I got one spare ticket… well, only if you like.” Dean clenched his jaw, feeling a little blush creeping up his cheeks. _Oh damn, seriously? Blushing?_ But he couldn’t help himself. Something about Cas and the way he felt around him told him not to screw it up.

Cas read the movie title on the tickets once again and turned back to Dean. “ _My Bloody Valentine.._. Sounds good.” Cas couldn’t hold back a little smile. He suddenly felt safe and self-assured around Dean, who came to talk to him on his own free will and seems to be comfortable with that as well. That honest, sincere Dean he admired for his lack of faking and playing around. _That_ Dean that had a secret date with his sister just the night before and still decides to go to the movies with _him_. That made Cas indeed a little proud, so proud he would have agreed to see no matter what movie, anyway.

“So you coming?” Dean wanted to reassure he interpreted Cas’ words correctly.

“I intend so, yes.” Cas nodded a little too fast, still smiling.

“Awesome. I pick you up at seven, alright?” A big smile grew wide on Dean’s face. He patted Cas’ shoulder and started walking faster again, towards their class room. Cas stood still, puzzled and busy with processing what just happened, when he abruptly lifted his head, mumbling “But I have a car…” He figured that Dean didn’t hear him and walked faster to catch up with him again. He didn’t bother to mention the existence of his very own car again, he wasn’t too keen on driving in general and when Anna had a ride in Dean’s car, Cas should get one as well. _He_ was the one who got Dean out of trouble, so why not?

When Cas entered the class room, Dean already headed over to "his" group of girls, sitting down, still smiling. Cas had to pause for a moment and went to his seat in the back row. Maybe Dean sat with the girls again, but he was the one going to the movies with Dean, right?

 

“You coming?”

Cas looked up from his packing. He didn’t notice that Dean was still there or even that he approached, Cas was sure he already left the class room with those girls. _Are my watching skills growing weak?_

“Yes, but… where?” Cas surely didn’t want to spent the break in this class room, so why was Dean asking?

Dean made an elaborate gesture towards the window. “Well, uhm, _out_?”

Cas looked at the window and back at Dean, something in his brain clicking. “You want me to come… with _you_?”

“Uhm, yeah?”

Cas didn’t know what part of his brain snapped out to make him agree, but there he was, among Dean’s friends. Though Cas knew Kevin since the time they both were part of school’s orchestra, he felt like a foreign body. The stranger in a group of friends. The one that did not belong. But he didn’t feel like running or trying to escape the situation somehow. Something held him back, made him feel safe there. It was the feeling, the _knowledge_ , that Dean wanted him to be there that made him stay and make it through this.

Dean couldn’t tell why, but since Cas sat beside him, he felt different, in a positive way. His presence was again able to calm him. He felt like with Cas by his side, something that always was somewhat unbalanced inside him suddenly got back in to a more balanced state. This was no conscious thought, not at that time yet. It was more a feeling that settled in and flowed slowly through every vein, from his head down to his toes.

The lunch break went surprisingly relaxed for everyone involved. Dean made sure Cas gave him his phone number and address, so he could pick him up at their agreed time. Dean’s friends soon grew on Cas and vice versa. Since Cas’ image of being the lone wolf was a well-known fact, nobody tried to push him into the conversation, but everyone made tiny pauses for Cas to join, if he wanted, but he didn’t. He was comfortable with just sitting there and eating, knowing that Dean was there on his left. Dean was surely the most nervous one, contemplating whether his decision to introduce Cas this soon was a good idea or not – but when he saw a tiny smile on Cas’ face, he immediately felt a big weight being lifted from his chest. Once they all packed their things again to go back to their afternoon classes, Dean gave his brother a questioning look. The Winchester brothers developed their own kind of non-verbal language and often chose to communicate that way to make sure nobody could eavesdrop when they discuss important stuff. And Cas being there was important stuff. This time, Sam responded with a small smile and a quick nod. _Sam likes him_. With a smile and a smack on Cas’ shoulder to tell him to hurry up, Dean went inside.

* * *

 

“I swear I was here bef - _fuck me sideways_!” Dean pondered why the area where Cas lived seemed so familiar, but he couldn’t recall until he parked his car opposite the house which was supposed to be Cas’ place.

 _This son of a bitch must be kidding me. This is not fun, not all_.

Cas must’ve somehow gotten to know how things between Dean and Anna went down the drain. Dean clenched his fist around the driving wheel and was just about to drive away again, angry at his own credulity that he believed Cas was actually one of the good guys, when he saw a silhouette moving at the house's porch. It was Cas.

He walked up to Dean in huge strides, his shoulders again held up in that perfect posture and the trench coat swaying in the wind, what altogether made him look like some kind of action hero. Cas must have sat on the bench there, waiting for him. That thought made Dean feel guilty for having this less faith in his friend. But wait a minute, when Cas was living in the same house as Anna, is he –

“Hello, Dean.” Cas’ rough voice pulled Dean out of his thoughts again. Dean didn’t even notice that Cas already sat down and put the seat belt on, with his trademark narrowed eyes set on Dean.

“H- hey, Cas. Ready?” Dean quickly shook off any thoughts about possible relations that might or might not connect Cas and Anna and drove off. With a quick look from the corner of his eyes Dean watched Cas, as he just sat there, so calm, his hands folded together in his lap, almost like he was meditating, moving his head as he looked around.

“This is car is really beautiful.” Softly, as if he was afraid to break it if he touched too tight, Cas ran a hand across the dashboard. Dean couldn’t help but to smile like a proud father. “Yeah. She’s my baby for almost a year now. I take good care of her.” Dean patted the wheel as if it was his best horse’s back. Cas hummed in reply. “So it - _she -_ is all yours? You do it all on your own?” While saying this Cas looked around once more to make sure he wasn’t missing one detail of Dean’s work. “Yep. Nobody touches my baby but me. Bobby – _Mister Singer_ – taught me everything I needed to know and since I’m pretty good at fixing shit, I do everything on my own.” “You do a very good job, Dean.” Cas said calmly, his voice in such a low, vibrating bass it sent a slight shiver down Dean’s spine, who smiled at the compliment. Dean was truly happy that finally someone saw the good he had done.

 

“Wanna get something?” Dean pointed his thumbs over his shoulder to the snack bar at the theatre’s entrance area, but Cas shyly shook his head, making a step closer to Dean. Cas lowered his head, looking left and right and left again, as he opened his trench coat to reveal what’s hidden inside. At first Dean didn’t believe what he saw, but then he couldn’t help but to laugh – he tried to hold it back, but failed miserably. He bowed down, holding on to his knees to support his upper body and just laughed, he laughed so loudly that some other people around started to look at them suspiciously. Cas quickly pressed his trench coat around him and pressed his index finger against his lips, telling Dean to be quiet. Dean nodded, pressed his lips together and grabbed Cas’ arm to drag him inside the screening room.

“Did you seriously stuff half a candy store in your coat and sneaked it into the damn cinema?” Dean barely managed to whisper between chuckles. Cas kept a serious face as he looked around again as they made their way towards their seats. “Theatre prices are simply unreasonably high.” The seriousness in Cas’ voice made Dean laugh once again and as they made their way upstairs to get to their seats, Dean swung an arm around Cas’ neck, pulling him close. “You’re awesome, buddy.”

During the movie, both were happily eating the candy Cas brought along and enjoyed more watching the audience reactions than the actual movie. It seemed like many guys had the same idea Dean originally had and brought a girl along – the classic horror movie date. Some couples were quickly making out and not paying attention to whatever happened on the screen, but most of them were shrieking, giggling, holding their hands up to cover their eyes as if they didn’t expect blood in a horror movie. Dean didn’t mind the gore elements and so didn’t Cas, much to Dean’s surprise Cas was more laughing than being scared or disgusted.

Though they ate a week’s ration of candy, both were craving “proper” food after the movie was over. It was already late, but neither hurried to get back home, so they decided to get some takeout fast food to eat somewhere. They headed out for the lake where Dean and Sam spent a lot of time during the summers they spent at Bobby’s. It was a pretty tiny lake, but still a beautiful place, at the city borders, behind some remote neighborhood and the woods spreading behind it.

No one else was there when they arrived, the whole scenery silent and peaceful. Since it was still pretty warm, they decided to eat outside the car, Dean hopped up to sit on the trunk’s hood, patting beside him to invite Cas to sit up on the trunk as well, who followed Dean's silent invitation right away.

“You really gonna eat all five burgers?” Dean still couldn’t believe that Cas was about to eat this much, since he just can’t be hungry anymore with all the candy he had already eaten.

“Sure. I love burgers. They make me happy.” With a smile, Cas took a huge bite from his first burger and swallowed almost without chewing – within three bites in total, the first burger was gone, as well as the second. Dean shook his head, but smiled as well as he sucked on his coke’s straw. This kid surely was special, in more than one way.

Both were silent for a long time as they closely sat side by side on the trunk, eating and looking up at the night sky. There were no clouds, so the stars were clearly visible, along with the crescent moon and the only sounds breaking the silence were the wrapping papers rustling and the two of them breathing. Both boys were at peace, resting inside themselves and comfortable with each other’s company, nothing awkward about the long silence. For a moment, Dean closed his eyes, as if he wanted to absorb that moment’s serenity, letting out a loud breath. Cas, who just finished burger number five, crumbled up the wrapping paper and stuffed it back in to the bag, turned to look at Dean. As if he felt Cas’ stare, Dean turned his head as well, facing Cas.

Both breathed calmly as they simply not just looked at each other, but studied each other’s faces. It was pretty dark despite some head lamp nearby, but since they sat only a few inches apart, they could make out the other pretty well. Though they were obvious in their observation, there was nothing creepy about it, only honest interest.

Cas noticed how many freckles Dean actually had and found himself being fascinated with the green of Dean’s eyes again. After glancing in to Cas’ blue eyes, Dean’s eyes first went up to this seemingly never tamed hair, then down, along the slight scruff across Cas’ cheeks to his lips, slightly parted, somewhat dried and rough and –

Before Dean even realized what happened, he grabbed Cas’ shoulders, pulling him closer, while Cas swung his arms around Dean, who let go of the shoulders only to cup Cas' face, in respone Cas pulled Dean closer and both crashed their lips on to each other’s.

This was not a kiss, not one like Dean had experienced before. It was more urgent, more needing and above all – it was pure. It was nothing but pure and raw emotion expressed in action. Their teeth crashed together more than once, tongues twisting, dancing, licking and spit, spit everywhere. It was a mess, but none of them minded. It was not one performed kiss to impress and seduce the other, it was not a kiss to get into each other’s pants, it was simply a way to express their mutual need to get closer, desperately trying to taste and feel as much as possible of each other.

Dean’s fingers ran down Cas’ jawline, at first a little shy, not used to caress a face with an actual stubble on it, then, slowly, more confident, while the kiss lasted, still messy and fast. Cas’ arms were still wrapped around Dean, when he began to move one hand up, across Dean’s shoulders, up his neck and finally resting at the back of Dean’s head. They pressed one kiss after another on to each other’s lips, not allowing their tongues to separate, when they finally managed to control themselves to avoid any more teeth collisions the best they could. 

Though they breathed through their noses, both eventually ran out of breath, so they pulled away, but only a few inches, gasping for air and breathing hard. Their faces were still almost touching, their arms and hands still onto each other as they looked in to each other’s eyes, slowly comprehending what just happened. None of them was able to find any words to say that would describe in any way what ran through their minds, there was just too much inside their heads, too many thoughts simultaneously to grasp even just one. Cas felt his heart racing faster than ever before and Dean felt his pulse pumping so loudly he was afraid his veins might actually burst. Somewhere in the distance of the woods, a branch creaked, what made both boys jump off the hood and back on their feet in shock. After realizing that it was just a random sound in a damn forest and nothing to worry about, Dean sighed in relief, Cas’ tensed body slowly relaxing, shoulders falling downwards again.

When they turned to each other again, Dean spoke faster than his brain was able to command him to. “Wow, that was… _wow_.” As he walked a step back to the car he realized that his damn legs were wobbly and shaky, almost unable to carry him. Cas wasn’t able to say anything, staring at Dean instead. To say he was shocked would have been an understatement. He still felt Dean on his lips, in his mouth, on his face, pressed against him, along with his shaking hands, weak knees and a feeling in his stomach that felt like a big knot just exploded, releasing a vibrant, tingly wave in his guts. It felt like when he was sick and about to throw up, but simply… better.

With them barely noticing, Dean and Cas walked up to each other again, closing the distance. They stared into each other’s eyes, trying to decipher the emotions they were showing, searching for a sign, a command, permission, anything. But neither found more than the confusion they felt themselves. Again, they felt a flush of adrenalin coming up inside the longer they stood this close, a feeling that was simply too good to ignore, so both leaned towards each other again, lips parted and curious, how round number two might taste like. They could almost taste each other again, when a loud sound interrupted them – Cas’ phone was ringing inside his pocket.

“My mother.” Cas said both in disbelief and frustration as he pulled his phone out to have a look at the display. Dean let out a sigh and turned around, walking some steps towards the lake as Cas answered the call.

“Yes?” Cas’ voice was more a groan. Why did she have to call him just _now_?

“It is late. Where are you?” Naomi asked, incensed.

“Out. I told you I went to-“

“Come home now. I don’t want you to roam through the streets at night, it is school tomorrow.” Naomi almost shouted, before she hung up.

Cas looked at the screen, first taken aback, than smiling sadly.

“Something wrong?” Dean walked up to Cas again when he saw him stuffing his phone back in to his pockets.

“No… no. I was just ordered to get back home immediately. School night, you know?” Cas shrugged, Dean curled his forehead. “Okay… should I get you home?”, he asked with a gesture to his car, but Cas shook his head. “I prefer to have a walk. It’s not far. And I’m not in a hurry, you know?” Cas forced a laugh, Dean nodded in reply. “Okay… well, see you tomorrow, right?”

“Right.”

Both boys stood there, not knowing how to part. Neither wanted to leave, but neither could stay there as well. How are you even supposed to say goodnight after an evening like this? For the lack of a better idea, Dean just waved at Cas, who waved back shyly, but still, neither moved. _God, this is awkward_ , Dean thought, as he pulled himself together, walked up to Cas, grabbed his shoulders and finally giving him a proper kiss. He pressed their lips together but decided to leave out tongues this time. This kiss didn’t last long but tasted good anyway. When he pulled away, Dean patted Cas’ cheek, smiling. “You should hurry. Mommy’s waiting.” Cas nodded, still in shock of the unexpected kiss, turned around and rushing off, his silhouette quickly disappearing behind the first houses of the nearby neighborhood.

As he sat down in his car, Dean stared outside for a couple of moments, before punching the driving wheel with his clenched fist. _One kiss can always be an accident, but two?_ , he thought as he tried to understand what just happened, what the hell _he_ himself just did. He shook his head as he started the car and drove off with screeching wheels.

How could an evening like this end up like _that_?

And why did it feel so damn good?


	5. A Brittle Staircase

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back! :)  
> Thank you for reading so far now and following the fic! :) It made me so happy that the 4th chapter made other people happy as well, thank you!   
> I played around and made a new cover-thing for this fic, as you can see in the image below, I like it a little more than the previous one I made. Anyway, I hope you'll like the new chapter and stay loyal to the story :D

 

There are many ways of first kisses, Cas already knew.

He witnessed countless first kisses in movies, in TV shows, on the school yard, in restaurants or even in kindergarten and he was pretty sure he understood the concept. A boy likes a girl, the girl likes him back and when they spent some time together, they might kiss sooner or later as a sign of love and affection.

So far, so good.

But his own first kiss didn’t quite fit in to that definition.

He never really thought about how it might happen. He simply assumed it might be with some nice girl that he knew for a while and liked very much and maybe they would kiss as a way to say goodbye after a date, or something?

He didn’t have any clear ideas or even expectations.

But he surely didn’t think it would be with a boy. And certainly he didn’t think it would be Dean.

But the biggest surprise to Cas was how good it felt. Did kisses always feel so good?

Just as he reached out to unlock the front door, it swung open – Naomi came to Cas’ fore, upstanding in front of him. She already wore her bathrobe, ready to go to bed, as she stared at him, lips pressed together and waiting for an explanation. Cas wasn't in the mood for preaches, so he just went for what he was sure he wanted to hear.

"I am sorry," he said abashed, eyes set on the floor, "it won't happen again."

He went inside, not able to look at her. He was ashamed and afraid. Ashamed of being late, ashamed of kissing, _kissing a boy_ , and afraid she would be able to tell what he tries to hide if he allowed her to have a glimpse in to his eyes.

"I am sure it won't." Naomi was simple and short with him, as she closed the door loudly. "I thought you were that child that turned out alright. Guess I was wrong." She sighed and went upstairs, Cas heard a door being slammed. He gulped hard and clenched his fist, attempting to calm down. He couldn't stand the way she was treating him and talking about his siblings. Sure, they all had caused trouble but she had no right to judge them, she even wasn't their real mother. But then again, he wasn't brave enough to say something about it. He never spoke up against her or anyone else. Whatever he would like to say, whatever good argumentations he already had prepared, he always kept it for himself. It was easier to run away and pretend everything was okay - and that is how he would handle whatever happened with Dean that evening, he decided. Everything else would make it too complicated.

* * *

 

What the hell was wrong with him? Was he so frustrated, so desperate?

No. No, this wasn't the explanation – was there even an explanation?

Carefully, Dean opened the front door, trying to make not any more sound than necessary. He wanted to avoid drawing attention to him, the danger that someone might notice him and see that something was nagging him and ask questions about it was too big. Sam and Jo surely went to bed already, but Ellen and Bobby might be still wandering around somewhere. The house was dark, but Dean heard the TV from upstairs, so he tiptoed to make the floorboards creak as less as possible beneath his steps. Dean decided to skip going to the bathroom in the first floor and went downstairs to the basement, straight to his room, to avoid any more noise pollution. His teeth wouldn’t foul if he wouldn’t brush them once.

Dean's bedroom surely was something special, not only because it was his first, very own bedroom – no, it was custom built by Bobby Singer himself. Since it was sure that Sam and Dean were permanently moving in, Bobby and Ellen made a home as comfortable as possible for the brothers, including an own bedroom for each one. The only spare bedroom, the one Dean and Sam used to share when they stayed at Bobby's, was now Sam's; for more privacy and comfort, Bobby had divided a part of the giant basement by setting up some new walls to make a separate room, Dean's own kingdom. This room really was a pleasant surprise and Dean couldn't thank Bobby enough for that. Bobby refused the thanks, he dismissed the room as a failed attempt of building a panic room for the house, obviously simply uncomfortable with being praised and showing his weakness, the affection for his best friend's sons.

Dean loved the room – sure, it was pretty dark in there without any lamps because of the tiny windows, but was his very own space and that made it perfect. The interior still was rather scanty, a simple bed, a desk and a closet, but who cared? Since he moved in, the room was filling quickly with model cars, a growing DVD-collection, school supplies and posters of movies, _Busty Asian Beauties_ and vintage cars.

Dean let himself fall on to the bed, landing on his stomach and let out a groan.

What was wrong with his life, or, what was _not_ wrong with it?

He groaned again, a groan that slowly turned into a whimper. He still wasn't able to fully grasp what possessed him earlier that evening. He turned around to lie on his back, staring at the ceiling.

_This is not really happening, is it?_

Unconsciously, he licked his lips.

 _They still taste like him_.

This made him flinch, as he felt a knot in his guts and a shiver down his spine.

It was real.

The taste was still there.

And it didn't even feel too bad.

He shifted his weight to lie on his left and pulled out the blanket beneath him to crawl underneath it.

How the hell did he come up with the idea of kissing Cas, anyway? Sure, he liked him and felt good around him, they had a great time together and he enjoyed every minute of Cas’ company, but Cas was a dude, a guy, a boy, a _man_ , just like Dean himself. Sure, if Cas was a chick and they would have gotten along so well, the kiss would have already been during the movie. But Cas was not a chick, definitely not.

_I am not into dudes, damnit…_

_… am I?_

Dean suddenly laid still, breathing shallow as his eyes wandered across the ceiling. Sure, Dr. Sexy from _Dr. Sexy MD_ wasn’t exactly unattractive, but that was a fictional character on a TV show, so this didn’t count, right? Right. The same went for Hugh Jackman as _Wolverine_. That was a movie and everyone thinks Hugh Jackman is hot, so this didn’t count either. The more he thought about it, the less he could deny he had more than just a few male celebrity crushes. And yes, he wasn't repelled that one time at a bar when a guy was hitting on him, but didn't this count as curiosity? Yeah, maybe he was just curious to try a man? Well, the kiss wasn't one of the worst, surely not. So did that count as satisfying the curiosity? Kissing a boy? He still felt uneasy, unsure. And what even about going any further, like he did with girls? He decided to follow this thought, well, maybe he could imagine kissing Cas again. But touching him? Undressing him –

No, no, these thoughts were already too much, Dean flumped on to his stomach, disliking the way he felt beneath his waistband. He pressed his face onto his pillow to block out any more thoughts about this topic. Thinking about it wouldn't do any good, it was pointless. He wasn't gay or bi or anything but straight into boobs, and he was sure, so was Cas. They were curious and confused and now, topic done. They were just lucky that it felt good. And that's why Dean kissed him twice. It just felt quite good, period. They just needed to find a way to handle the situation now. Cas surely felt weird, too. Dean decided to talk to Cas on the next day to make clear Dean wasn't hitting on him and that this damn fine kiss should stay between the two of them. In a pious and devout suburban town this was the best idea, anyway.

 

 _Thank God it's Friday_ , Dean thought as he hurried to his final class that day. He hadn't seen Cas all day, but he knew they shared this class, so the guy must be around somewhere. Afterwards, there would be enough time to get things straight (literally spoken); Dean would have to wait for Jo and Sam anyway, who had one more class than Dean that day. All along his way, he peaked up his head, looking for the Columbo stunt-double.

From afar, he noticed Cas' unkempt hair, even more untamed than usual – was this intended? Was he aware that it spiced up his dull appearance of a baby advocate? It looked like Cas ran his hands uncontrolled through his hair after – or during? – a shower to let it dry fuzzy like this or like someone messed up his hair during steaming hot, slow sex. Before he could think any more of Cas taking a shower, Cas having sex or Cas having sex while taking a shower, Dean noticed a girl standing close to Cas, talking to him. Dean tried to ignore that his pants got a little tighter as he started to walk with faster, wider steps (there was just no damn reason for his pants to be tight, right?) to get to know if Cas now had a fan or a problem.

With his back pressed against the wall, Cas gave his best to keep a smile on his face – oh, how he hoped that it looked friendly and not creepy. He wished to be still in his bed and this was just some kind of weird dream. This couldn’t be his real life, because since when was his life this bizarre? The girl, Meg Masters, started to appear out of nowhere and it seemed like she came to stay. He already wondered what he might have done wrong to be the target of bickering, but soon Cas figured out that she was trying to _flirt_ with him, for whatever reason. He witnessed enough flirting to recognize it and though it might be insane, Meg was showing affection. He must not show weakness, that’s what he learned about flirts. But in theory, it was so much easier to be confident. What a blessing that he used to watch Dean so many times before, so Cas just mimicked Dean’s trademark smirk and hoped not to look too ridiculous.

“I always thought you’d just hang around at home, studying and piano playing. But that you’re a friend of Dean…” Meg added a hum to what she said as she eyed Cas up and down – “ _checking out” is the term_ , Cas remembered. For lack of a better idea, Cas just nodded, the smile still engraved on his face. _This is exhausting_. “Still waters run deep. I like that.” She raised an eyebrow and though her comment seemed innocent, her tone added something inappropriate that made Cas breathe sharply through his nose. There was just a little too much tension for his liking, he felt something unfamiliar boiling up in his guts. It was not that kind of feeling he had when Dean kissed him, that current feeling was more intense, almost painful and surely making him uncomfortable.

“’Sup, Cas?” He let out a sigh of relief and his whole body relaxed as soon as he saw that Dean came up to them, waving and shouting. Meg rolled her eyes, turning a little more towards Cas as she noticed Dean coming over.

“He- hello Dean.” Cas couldn’t help but to mirror Dean’s smile, as bright and honest as usual. After winking at Cas, Dean turned to Meg.

“Am I interrupting you?” He asked as he looked straight in to her eyes. He knew this girl, she sometimes hung out with the girls he used to sit with, but he didn’t really like her. He couldn’t tell what put him off, but he just got some pretty bad vibes from her. But since those were just some random, unfounded emotions, he decided to brush them aside as best as possible. If she was Cas’ friend, his crush or simply interested him, so shall it be. Dean would surely not interfere.

Cas cleared his throat. “I guess we should get in now. Mister Hendriksen is coming along.” Meg and Dean turned around to look where Cas was pointing at, Dean suddenly grabbed Cas’ shoulder as he noticed that Meg was reaching out for Cas’ arm as well. “Let’s go buddy!” Dean chirped happily and not without turning around to Meg once more, smiling triumphantly. She turned up her nose and followed them in, trying to catch up with them again. But then, she simply headed over to her girl clique, that one which Dean usually sat with, too.

“You like her?” Dean asked amused while he kept on pushing Cas forwards, right up to his seat in the back corner. That was a good question. Cas didn’t know, in fact, he didn’t know _anything_ since the evening before and it surely was a rare case that Cas was dumbfounded. How could Dean behave like nothing happened, anyway? Something surely had happened, something far, far out of the ordinary, since Cas knew it wasn’t common for boys to kiss while they hung out. He felt different than usual during the kiss and he felt another kind of different with Meg – what did _liking_ even feel like, what was just _accepting_ , how did it feel to _dislike_ and what was even _more than liking_?

For lack of any clarity on this topic, Cas shrugged. “Well, I do not dislike her.” Dean nodded in acknowledgement as he let go of Cas with a more powerful push. “You have my blessing.” Dean stated succinct as he turned around. “But I, I cannot stand her. Bitch.” The seat he planned to take, the one he always took, among the pretty girls, was already occupied – Meg leaned back on the chair, _Dean’s_ chair and imitated Dean’s victorious smile from just a couple of moments ago. Along with some swear words that Dean muttered under his breath and Cas never even heard of yet, he threw his backpack onto the table next to Cas’ and sat down. 

For Dean, it was obviously no big deal as long as he found a place to sit, preferably close to someone who didn’t suck. But for Cas, it was like he watched some miracle happen. The seat next to him had never been taken, _never_. Again something happened for the first time, again it happened with Dean, _because_ _of_ Dean. Only within a few days, the most undoubting conditions in Cas’ life were overthrown and torn apart as if it was the easiest thing. What had his life become? He couldn’t even remember how many times he already asked himself this question.

“Uhm, Cas, we need to talk later, okay?” Dean leaned over to Cas, his voice quiet and lacking the usual cheerful confidence, sounding so fragile, almost on the edge of cracking as he spoke. Dean looked around, paranoid, his eyes flickering all across the room to make sure no one notice their exchange and barely having a glimpse at Cas. _This must be something serious_ , so Cas nodded, gulping. He had a slight idea what Dean wanted to talk about and that made him shifting uncomfortable on his chair, biting his bottom lip. He already gave his best to file the kiss in to the mental drawer of _“things that happened though they shouldn’t and therefor do not matter”_ , but he was willing to hear Dean out, whatever he got to say. Dean pressed his lips together, eyebrows raised as he looked one last time to Cas before classes began. Cas noticed his look, he lifted his head and their eyes met for what felt just like a fragment of a second, but long enough for him to understand Dean wasn’t messing with him. Cas felt his guts slowly draw together, as if they were turning in to a knot. It made him feel sick. As he tried to focus on to the blackboard, he noticed Meg, how she turned around to him, winking. Cas never winked before (he wasn’t even sure if his facial muscles were trained enough to actually wink or if it would just end in an awkward double-eyed blink), so he just went for a faint smile as a reply, satisfying Meg, who smiled now as well.

 

 

“Dude, sorry for whatever happened yesterday.”

After class, Cas followed Dean to the old, rusty staircase outside the furthest remote building on the school grounds. The stairs surely should be some kind of emergency exit, but Dean wasn’t sure if they would serve the purpose; as he leaned against the metal construction it creaked dangerously loud as if it would collapse any minute now.

“For what exactly?” Cas surely knew what Dean was talking about, but he simply wanted to be sure.

“For ramming my damn tongue in to your mouth.”

Cas nodded, as silence fell between them, but not the kind of serene silence from lunch break or at the lake, no, this time, it felt painfully heavy, because this time words were actually necessary and it felt like every word they left unsaid crushed them with its weight.

“I usually don’t do that… well, not with dudes.” This almost-apology finally broke the silence, Cas nodded again, as he added “I figured that out.”

“It’s not that I don’t like you, I _do_ like you, but you now, I don’t _like_ like you. You are not a chick.”

“Indeed.”

“I guess the easiest way out would be if we just erase this from our memory and leave it be, once and for all.”

“If you want to.”

“Why are you so indifferent?" Dean paused for a moment, thinking, before laughing out. "Oh dear Jesus on a cracker, you are not crushing on me, are you?”

“What?” Cas didn’t believe his ears. “Of course I’m not.” He was indignant, as well as surprised because this thought didn’t occur to him… yet.

“Couldn’t blame you if you were, I mean- “ Dean gestured at himself, up and down. “- anyway, you should really go for Meg. She likes you. A lot. You’re such a sweet innocent guy, you deserve this romance stuff and she’s surely more into that –and into _you_ –than me. You’re the type to marry your high school crush, anyway. But you need to get that crush before the happily ever after.” Cas frowned. He never thought about that.

“You don’t want to get married?” Cas wondered. He always assumed _everyone_ wanted to get married one day. This is what everyone did, this is how life should be, shouldn’t it?

“Me? God, no. I don’t even want a damn girlfriend. I prefer random intermezzos here and there. Everything else is too complicated. _Any_ kind of interaction is complicated. How are you even able to put up with me?” Dean laughed, sadly. His eyes were empty, old and weary, just like they were when Cas first saw him. It seemed like the green got paler again, as he stared far away in to nowhere.

“I don’t intend on making anything complicated. I simply appreciate your company.”

These words made Dean shiver. They were so meaningful and honest and yet, so simple. He never expected to hear those kind of words, well, he never even thought that his kind of statement was possible to be said about _him_. But as he let those words sink in, contemplating their meaning, he couldn’t help but to realize they were true to him as well. He sighed. “Same.”

For a while they went without saying anything again, both needed some time to breathe easy; the more they spoke, the more weight they felt being lifted from their chests. Slowly, peace settled in, fragile, but still not unnoticed.

“I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Dean asked, hesitantly, his eyes didn’t dare to wander anywhere near where Cas stood.

“No. How? With what?” Cas seemed to seriously have no clue what Dean might refer to.

“You know exactly with wha- never mind. So we cool?”

“We, uhm, _cool_.” Cas wasn’t sure if he replied to this question correctly, but Dean’s sincere laughter reassured him.

“Wow, finally someone I made out with who can handle shit. Awesome.”

“We did not _“make out”_ , Dean.” Cas used his fingers as quotation marks. “We went to see a movie and ate burgers.”

“ _I_ ate burgers. _You_ devoured them.” Dean corrected him, obviously amused, anyway.

“I was hungry.” Cas sounded seriously offended as he defended his eating behavior, but Dean simply laughed, feeling way more lighthearted again.

“You were greedy.” He stated simple.

Cas almost replied _No, you were the greedy one_ , but thankfully, he was aware of how stupid it would have been if he actually said it out loud. Instead, he simply shrugged, but he couldn’t help but to smile.

“Is it awkward?” Dean pointed at himself, than at Cas and back at himself again.

“No, no, I don’t consider this as awkward.” Cas tilted his head as he looked at Dean, who leaned back, nodding, as the shrieking of the stair’s old metal made him jump.

“These stairs won’t collapse. They’re much more stable than they appear.”

“Sure? Well, I’m not too fond of finding it out.”

“You should be more faithful, Dean. Not everything is going to fall apart beneath your touch.”

Dean laughed without a sound. “I’ve seen things that prove me the opposite.”

Cas frowned. Was Dean’s past much darker and twisted than he assumed?

“What do you mean?” Cas didn’t mean to say it out loud, but as he realized that he was talking, it was already too late.

“Nothing that matters.” Dean glanced at his watch. “Anyway, I gotta go or Sam and Jo will be waiting.” Dean made a step away from Cas. “If you still like to hang out with me, with _us_ , it would be more than awesome.”

“I really would like to, yes.”

“Great.” Dean turned around and ran off. “See you on Monday!”

* * *

 

Dean decided that everything with Cas was now cleared up – maybe it was still awkward, but Cas didn’t think he was hitting on him and maybe they could still be friends. Dean was relieved, he made a mistake, a pretty huge one, but damn, it still wasn’t broken, things with Cas where still not fucked up. So now, Dean was looking forwards to a carefree Saturday full of fun and _really_ good stuff. He thought that maybe he should start to finally behave, but damn, he wasn’t one of the good kids and as long as Bobby and Ellen wouldn’t know, they wouldn’t be disappointed. He would hate to disappoint them, but damn, he couldn’t help himself and his habits. But well, at least, he was a responsible foster-son on Friday. After he made sure everyone went to bed and slept tight, he grabbed his wallet with his fake ID and his car keys – it was about time to celebrate all these occasions during that week when Dean could have gotten his sweet ass into trouble and yet got out of it with nothing more than some metaphorically bruises.

He headed out to some bar at the furthest possible end of the town, feeling pumped and smiling brightly. He made it past the bouncer who eyed him as if he suspected Dean to be too young for this place but since his ID was such a convincing counterfeit, Dean was allowed to enter – and damn, he wanted to get wasted and laid as fast as possible. He was sure he deserved it after the catastrophe with Anna. He deserved having fun. He deserved it. When was the last time he had fun, anyway?

 _With Cas_ , he remembered.

With Cas, yes. But Dean almost managed to ruin this as well and he didn’t like the way the memories of that day made him feel. It was a great day, no doubt but that kiss… that _damn_ kiss, it was so –

“Hey young man… never seen you before.”

Dean felt a hand on his shoulder as he leaned onto the counter, about to order some drink. The touch was so unexpected that it was able to wipe away all those thoughts that kept his mind busy. He turned around to look right into big dark eyes, winking and promising. The woman seemed to be a couple of years older than him, but who cares? She was hot.

“That’s because I’m here for the first time.” Dean smiled, being hit on boosted both his confidence and his mood.

“I see. New in town?” She returned the smile and leaned closer towards Dean, who unconsciously took a step back – seemed like she already had some drinks, her breath required some mints that Dean unfortunately didn’t have.

“Kind of.” He leaned back again and ordered a drink. He needed something to tear down the last walls that held him back on that evening. He doesn’t want to hold back anything, he wanted to let go. And feel good with no thought that pinched him in the back of his brain.

 

It took way too much of liquid poison to drown every nagging thought and wash away every trace of doubt that might be making sure Dean acted reasonable. The whole night and maybe even a following day passed by in a blur, Dean couldn’t tell what really happened and what his mind just maybe made up to fill some of the countless gaps. He woke up in his car, sprawled across the backseat. He rose, slowly, with every motion that went too fast he felt the pumping headache getting worse. His head hurt so badly he even felt the pain pierce all through his head into his teeth. It took him a while to realize that it was not him who felt so heavy, no, it was the chick from the bar who still laid on top of him. _Oh God, no._ The memories of the actions might have gotten lost somewhere but damn, Dean could still remember how he had felt, the same awful way he still did. He was wrong. He made a mistake.

“Hey, hey, get off me… please.” Dean winced, not just because the still-somewhat-nameless lady was heavy, simply because she was there, she was _still_ there and still way too damn close to him.

“So- sorry…” She stuttered, grabbing her head as she slowly got up. Her head seemed to be just as heavy as Dean’s, but she could handle the hangover much better than him, she quickly sat up stable and straight. Dean felt sick, physically but even more mentally and didn’t feel like he was able to lift up his head. As the nameless woman shifted to sit up facing Dean, she put her leg on the seat, touching Dean’s. The unnecessary and accidental physical contact made Dean flinch and move his leg away quickly. He didn’t need that, he didn’t _want_ that, it had been enough already. It might have been okay during the night before, when his mind was still intoxicated and he craved any kind of company that assured he wasn’t left alone with himself but still free to spurt off whenever it got too close. This had worked for a long time, years already, but suddenly it felt wrong. Dean had always known it wasn’t a right thing to do, but he had never felt bad about it. But now, he just wanted to get away and make the night before undone.

“Got nothing to say, cutie?” She smiled, a little strained, surely still feeling last night’s booze pumping through her brain.

Dean flinched, not expecting her to talk. He simply shook his head, not in the mood for talking.

“You okay?” Dean noticed how low her voice was – it was more of a cracking low sound, not a smooth gravelling voice, it was not that kind of voice Dean would rather be hearing talking to him now, though he wouldn’t admit. As she reached out towards his leg, Dean pulled away as soon as he noticed she was about to touch him.

“Yes, yes I am okay.” He said with a warning tone, keeping his hands up in a defensive manner. He wasn’t one for talking the morning after anyway, especially not while his heavy head was pounding with a hangover and he regretted everything that led up to this morning.

“Okay…” She seemed to be confused, slowly realizing Dean wasn’t too fond of her company any more. “I guess I gotta go.”

Dean nodded faintly, his head still aching every time he moved his neck too much.

“Though I’d like to have the pleasure once more, I hope you’ll sort things out with her.” She said as she was sliding over on the backseat, towards the door.

“What?” Dean spoke out loud before he realized he did – what the hell was she talking about?

“The one you tried to forget last night. You moaned a name that surely wasn’t mine.” She said with a wink, no offense but amusement in her giggle as she got out of the car.

“Wa – _ouch_ – wait – what name?” Dean reached out to hold her back, dreading her answer. What was she talking about, or more precisely, who had _he_ been talking about? He didn’t dare to consider how valid the first possible name he thought of really was.

“Don’t play the dumb, pretty boy!” She laughed as she bowed down again, peaking through the Impala's open door to look at Dean. “Buck up!”

With a firm slam, the door was smacked shut, Dean left with his head being occupied with both the residual alcohol and his thoughts. _No_.

No. No, no, just damn it, no.

He must have been more drunk than he thought he was. Something got out of hands, something that didn’t even have a reason to be a _something_. But damn, yes.

Whatever he used to do to feel good, getting drunk, partying and sleeping around didn’t help him anymore, maybe it never helped him at all, but he never realized it until he truly felt good, profoundly and from deep within. And the reason for feeling good wasn’t random booze and even more random company, it was someone particular’s company. But no, he couldn’t get attached to Cas, not now, not ever. They agreed on being friends and that was a good thing, because it meant they would still spend some time together, enough time for Dean to be happy, but not enough to grow too close and get one of them hurt. He didn’t need to feel any more pain and he was sick of causing someone else pain as well.

Dean climbed, well, he _stumbled_ , onto the driver seat and clung to the steering wheel, as if he would fall over if he didn’t. He looked around to realize he was still parking on the bar’s parking lot, the clock on his dashboard told him that it was already past noon. Oh damn. Dean grabbed the box of cassette tapes that he kept beneath his seat and rummaged in it, read some of the tape’s labels and decided for _Metallica_ , letting their _Master of Puppets_ clean up his mind. No, he was not one for growing too close to someone but Sam, he never had been and most definitely he was never going to become like this. He had to stay calm and furthest away from Cas and thoughts about him until school, the place they were allowed to be together, not too close and unable to escape from him anyway. He ignited the car and drove off, maybe finding some distraction on his way back home. He didn’t feel like returning home too quickly, he preferred to push back the unavoidable questions of _Why are you coming home now?_ and _Where have you been?_. As he drove off, he heard a glass bottle rolling around behind the passenger’s seat, some liquid still inside. He turned the music louder to drown out the noise of rattling glass behind him.

* * *

 

Later on Sunday evening, Cas found himself still thinking about the conversation with Dean.

He was right, sure. But that didn’t mean that Cas’ mind was eased, his thoughts were still just a great, big mess. Sure, he could actually try to spend some time with Meg, why not? She wasn’t repelled, no, she even seemed to like him and he, well, he did not dislike her, but… He could at least try. He needed to get a girlfriend, right? It was about time, wasn’t it? And Dean was still his friend, they would surely still hang out, some time… God, how he hoped for this to be true. Since Dean came into his life, Cas felt like he caught up with every emotional experience he missed throughout the years being the outsider. He learned new emotions every day and though it scared him, _really_ scared him, he was curious. Curious to know what other emotions lingered there locked up within him. He had been in full control of everything for all his life, so the thought of losing some little control here and there was… scaring and yet very promising. Maybe Dean wouldn’t show him physical affection, but surely something else that Cas never experienced before… and there was still a lot.

Cas had barely left his room that weekend, he only stepped out of his door for the meals (Naomi was very strict when it came to the meal schedule) and for the bathroom. After quickly finishing his homework he randomly watched any movie he found, read and re-read some books or flipped through the pages, read some paragraphs and already grabbed the next one. Loud music from his headphones made sure that his mind was occupied without interruption before his thoughts drifted too far over the edge again.

It was a school night and already almost bed time, but nevertheless, Cas went downstairs to the kitchen to grab a little snack. Suddenly he noticed a familiar sound approaching. He wasn’t very educated in engines or cars, but this sound was so distinct and carved in to his memory, he would notice it a hundred miles away – could this really be…?

But why?

He stood still.

No, he didn’t hear any noise coming from Anna upstairs, so this could not be the reason. Maybe someone else owned a similar sounding car? Cas frowned and since curiosity might kill cats but ignorance would surely kill Castiel, he went over to the living room, to get a better look at where the sound was coming from. Naomi sat on the wing chair, sipping on her cup of tea as she watched a rerun of some cheesy soap opera. She said nothing, she only raised an eyebrow as Cas tucked the curtains away to look outside. The TV quickly distracted Naomi again, anyway.

There it parked, halfway on to the pavement that lead to the Milton’s entrance, it was Dean’s car, without a doubt, since Dean himself got out. He stumbled, once, twice, walked past the car’s hood and went up to the front door, swaying dangerously. Was he drunk? He was still under aged… but well, since when were rules able to stop that phenomenon that was Dean Winchester?

 _Oh God, he walks up to the front door_ , Cas realized.

Cas rushed to the door, almost slipping with his cotton socks on the polished parquet, trying to keep this visit as secret as possible. Just as he managed to avoid the fall, the doorbell rang. Cas heard Naomi putting her tea cup on the saucer with a loud rattle. Cas flinched.

_Dear God, let this end well._

“I’ll answer.” Cas yelled over to Naomi as he opened the door with a fast swift. Dean surely was surprised by the immediate response and stumbled forward, falling into Cas’ arms, seemed like he leaned against the door.

“Hey, Cas, I guess you’re home, huh?” Dean babbled, followed by a giggle.

“Obviously. Well, how about you… come inside - ” Cas looked over his shoulder, trying to decipher Naomi’s reaction, but she only shook her head while still looking at the TV screen. Cas guessed she was already boiling with rage, but she wouldn’t explode until she would be out of Dean’s hearing range.

“- No, no, you hear me out.”

“Now? Here?” Cas hissed under his breath, nodding in to Naomi’s direction.

Dean straightened his back the best he could, stumbled one step towards Cas, his index finger lifted and pressing painfully against Cas’ chest several times. He angrily narrowed his eyes, staring at Cas, who didn’t know what to do. Dean gasped for air, as if he needed some extra breath for speaking and then, he spoke, no, he groaned, his voice cracking.

“Boy… what kind of fucked-up spell did you cast on me?”


	6. Shake The Disease

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello back! :)  
> This time the update is a little earlier, I finished the chapter sooner than I expected and decided not to hold it back!   
> The chapter's title is from the Depeche Mode song by the same name (I highly recommend it, by the way) which I think fits perfectly Dean and Cas, not just in my Fic, but in general... it also was a huge (indirect) inspiration for this chapter. However, I hope you'll like how the story continues!  
> If you got anything to say, don't hesitate to leave comments. Any feedback is highly appreciated!  
> Enjoy! :)

_Oh dear God, give me strength._

Cas leaned closer towards Dean, hoping his suspicions would be wrong. He sniffed carefully as Dean breathed out.

“Dean, are you drunk?” Cas whispered, almost hissing.

“Do I seem so?” Dean whispered back, seriously offended.

“Yes.”

“Then… well… Bitch, I might be.” Dean got louder again, tossing his hands dramatically around, as Cas caught Dean’s wrist.

“Be quiet. My mother’s still over there.”

“Oh. Good evening, Mrs. Milton!” Dean waved with his free hand and gave his best to smile politely, until he realized she wasn’t paying any attention to him.

“ _Please_ be quiet, Dean.” Cas begged, still holding Dean’s wrist tightly. He reached behind the door and grabbed his keys from the keyboard, which hung next to the coat hooks. It seemed like he had to play the drunk taxi that night.

“I’ll be back in no time. Don’t wait for me!” Cas shouted over to Naomi as he stepped out of the house. He didn’t wait for her response, instead, he simply shut the door as quietly as possible. Just as he finally let go of Dean, said one grabbed Cas by the shoulders to shake him, but also to get some stability.

“This sucks, Cas. It sucks dicks.” Dean’s head hung low. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Cas, because feeling him beneath his palms was already too much.

“What?” Cas whispered, as he pulled Dean’s hands away. This whole situation was just rubbing his nerves, in many ways. He was anxious about Naomi being too close and maybe hearing them, he was nervous about Dean being around when he almost got him out of his thoughts and he was angry at him for being so very drunk and showing up out of the blue and maybe getting Cas in trouble.

“This… _this_.” Dean wildly gestured to Cas and at himself.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Cas replied bluntly as he grabbed Dean again and rushed over to the carport. With a click on the key, Cas unlocked the car and opened the passenger’s door for Dean, who blankly stared at it.

“Get in, Dean.” Cas already made it over to the driver’s seat as he noticed Dean didn’t move.

“I have my own damn car. Anyway, I came here to talk and you won’t shut me up so easily!” The more he spoke, the angrier Dean got. Who did Cas think he was, to simply cut Dean off like he was his little bitch?

“I do want to hear you out. Just not here.” Cas nodded towards the house to remind Dean that they would have unwanted listeners if they would stay there.

“Anyway, you are in a ropy state. I’d rather get you home safe and sound.”

“I still have a car, right over there, you see it?!” Dean was about to lose his temper, getting louder and louder. Cas rubbed the bridge of his nose, breathing in deep. Cas already had to deal with stubborn drunkards and he knew pretty well how to handle them, but Dean was on a whole different level of tenacity.

“I do see your car, Dean, I do. But you need to get home and you are not in the state to drive there on your own.”

“I made it up to here.”

“Barely.”

Dean stammered, trying to find something to argue against Cas, but he quickly gave up, there was still too much alcohol inside him that drowned his reasonability. So he simply shrugged and finally gave in to Cas, who sighed relieved.

“You can get your car tomorrow, she’ll be safe her for now.” Cas said calmly as he started the car and backed out of the driveway.

Dean slammed his hand against the car’s door.

“This is what I’m talking about! What’s wrong with you?” Dean shouted, his voice shaking with anger and irritation. Cas slowed the car down a little, just to be careful, and looked at Dean, as if he could detect the source of anger somewhere in his enraged features. But Cas couldn’t see anything, Dean just stared rigidly straight ahead, eyebrows narrowed as he bit his bottom lip. There was just frustration.

“There’s nothing wrong with me, Dean. What – “

“There is a buttload stuff wrong with you, you dick!” Dean interrupted Cas, who had to put more effort in staying calm and driving the car without an accident. Not just that Dean had been unreasonable and stubborn, no, now he had been insulting as well.

“For example?” Cas asked through his teeth pressed together.

“You remembered that my car was a lady and used the correct pronoun!” After he yelled back at Cas, Dean turned away from him, staring out of the window.

“Excuse me that I pay attention to what people are telling me!” Cas was getting loud now as well. He never was one for anger or even yelling, but now, he couldn’t help himself. Dean was being too exhausting.

“You are being so damn nice to me and being with you feels so damn good, we had a lot of fun and I want to spend some time together soon, very _fucking_ soon!” Dean shouted, looking everywhere and nowhere at all.

Cas had to stop at a red light, so he took this break from driving to look at Dean. Dean’s face was all red, his fists clenched and Cas could even see a vein at Dean’s neck pumping. This was an angry man, clearly, he showed all signs of being in rage. But this didn’t go together with the nice things he just stated.

“Dean… what?” Cas just had no idea what to say, he was plain confused. Aside being drunk, Dean was one big contradiction. “You came up to my house, drunk, just to tell me… you like being… _friends_ with me?” The _friends_ -word came hardly over Cas’ lips, but well, this was what would put it into words what Dean just stated. This thought occurred to him again and again that weekend, too, so it was alright to say it out loud, right?

As if Cas’ question slapped away Dean’s fury, he sat there in his seat, perplexed, his mouth forming soundless words, as he slowly moved his head up and down, then nodding properly. Cas realized, after Dean stopped nodding and still wasn’t saying anything, that there wouldn’t be much following. He turned to look at the street again, when he suddenly slowed down and pulled over to drive on a nearby parking lot, pausing for a moment. Dean turned over to Cas, scared to be kicked out and not understanding what’s going on now. With a sigh, Cas turned to look straight into Dean’s eyes, before he drove off again.

“I drove into the completely wrong direction.”

 

Dean sobered up slowly the longer they drove – and they had to drive a long distance, not just because Dean and Cas lived pretty far apart, but also because Cas drove very far into the wrong direction. There were no words spoken for a long time, the familiar comfort between them settled in quickly. Cas could breathe in deep for the first time that weekend without feeling a strange piercing sensation shooting through him. He was calm, nothing that felt wrong or missing, he felt good, yes, simply good.

Dean felt the alcohol fading, finally gathering back some sanity and awareness of his environment. Downing the leftovers of the previous, disastrous night surely wasn’t Dean’s smartest decision. How did he even get that idea? It was like a blackout as he grabbed the bottle and drank it, only to head over to Cas’ to talk to him about… _them_. After what Cas had said, Dean couldn’t understand himself anymore. What was it that scared him, anyway? Why did he feel the need to drink up some courage? As he was thinking, his eyes wandered over to Cas. There was something different about him. Sure, the fuzzy bedhead with the three inches long hairstreaks was as untamed as usual, but as he examined the lightly tanned biceps, it dawned on him.

“Dude,” Dean said, contemplative, “is this what you hide beneath this weird-ass coat?”

Cas didn’t get at first what he meant, until Dean gestured downwards Cas, who followed the motion and looked down at himself. He still wore his junk clothes, a grey slim fitting t-shirt and loose black sweat pants.

“Of course not, Dean. This is what I wear at home… and to bed.” Cas would have been almost offended if he wouldn’t have been aware of the fact Dean was still intoxicated.

“To bed, huh.” Dean smiled a little, before he felt a painful pinch through his chest. This bit of information lead his thoughts to wander, imagining Cas being at home, cozy, being lazy, going to sleep, lying in bed –

“We’re there.” Cas’ voice punched right through the cloud of images that occupied Dean’s mind and pulled him back to reality.

“Huh, yeah.” Dean rubbed the back of his head, hoping Cas wasn’t a mind reader. That would have been awkward.

The Singers must have heard Cas’ car approaching, the front door opened up and Bobby stepped out on the porch, Ellen following him.

Dean shook his head, laughing helplessly, as he patted Cas’ thigh. “Thanks for the ride, dude. Hope we see each other again soon… without the weird-ass crap.” Dean stepped out and straightened his back, but before walking over to the house he turned around to Cas to give him a little nod, to which Cas replied with a faint wave of his hand. When Dean made the first step up on the porch, Cas caught himself staring at Dean’s back and decided it would be appropriate to drive off again now. He quickly backed out of the Singer’s driveway, looking back through the rear mirror to see the Singers guiding Dean in.

 

As soon as Dean stepped in to the house, wordlessly guided by Ellen who put a hand on Dean’s shoulder, Sam and Jo came running from the living room. Bobby gently shut the door and walked up to Dean, stopping beside him. “Were you in trouble?” Bobby asked calmly, as all eyes were set on Dean.

“What? No, no. I am okay. The car… I parked the car over at Cas’. He brought me home. I… I am fine.” Dean stumbled over his own tongue as he gave his best to sound reasonable and foremost, _not_ drunk. His eyes went up to look at Sam to read his expression. There was disappointment, but no trace of Sam being angry at his older brother or maybe relief to see him. Dean felt his heart sinking.

Without a warning, Jo ran up to Dean and swung her arms around him, hugging him tightly. “I thought Alastair was back. I swear I’ll cut him into a million pieces…” Her voice choked as she swallowed hard.

“Hey, hey, no worries, no Alastair. I’m home. Safe and in one piece.” Dean pulled away from her hug to cup her cheek. Seeing his basically-sister like this was hurting him, surely not as much as seeing Sam not caring at all, but damn, it still hurt as hell. “It’s late, hun. Go to bed.” Ellen said calmly and Jo obeyed as she nod and ran upstairs.

The silence between the remaining four of them was uncomfortable, Dean was afraid to make a sound or a move, or they would lash out at him all at once – but on the other hand, Dean would have preferred any reaction, even hell on earth right there on the spot, to this deceptive calmness.

“The next time you stay out this long, tell us where you are or answer your damn phone. You got it for a reason, boy.” Bobby patted Dean’s shoulders, somewhat more forceful than necessary and headed over to the living room. Was the topic done for Bobby so easily?

“But – “

“Dean, leave him be.” Ellen stated short and simple. Her eyes looked at Dean they same motherly way they always did, but her tensed lips told Dean he shouldn’t disagree with her.

“You two should go to bed as well. School’s tomorrow. You should be up on time, since I have to drive you and I surely don’t have too much time on my hands.” She left to the living room to join Bobby, leaving the brothers with themselves.

And there it was again, this silence. It was not calm, not peaceful. Dean felt the urge to say something, something that will convince Sam to no longer be mad at him, because, Sam surely was mad. This wasn’t the usual bitching when Dean was being silly again, no, it was deepest disappointment.

“I am sorry Sam. It won’t happen again. Are you okay?” Dean didn’t know what to say first, so he simply let his mind go blank and let his mouth speak, because something useful always came out and to be honest, there was nothing that Dean could have said that would have made the situation worse.

“Yes. Are you?” Sam replied with barely any emotion in his voice.

“Yeah, yeah, pretty much.” Dean rubbed his forehead, trying to smile to lift some weight off this heavy situation.

“Good.” Still Sam didn’t move any of his facial muscles, slowly making Dean nervous.

“Damnit Sam, what do you want me to say? I said I am sorry!” Dean made an serious effort to repress his voice, not wanting to shout. He felt the despair hurting him physically like a kick straight to his balls – he felt sick and surely not because of the alcohol.

“I don’t want you to say something. You’re here now and that’s good.” Sam walked past Dean, heading towards the stairs, but stopping before actually going up. “Good night, Dean.” With one last sad, exhausted look, Sam went up.

“Damn… I am not becoming like _him_!” Dean ran up to the staircase, but as he saw that Sam wasn’t in sight anymore, he sighed. _Well done, Dean. Well done._

* * *

 

“You look like a zombie.”

“I take it as a compliment. I feel much worse.”

Dean’s answer made Jo giggle, but got him a warning look from Ellen, as he could see in the rear window. They were already in the car, ready to leave for school, Sam rode shotgun, while Jo and Dean shared the backseat. He wasn’t used not to drive, so Dean aimlessly looked around, not sure what to do with himself. He would have liked to talk, but his attempts of starting a conversation already went down the drain during breakfast. Ellen was stressed out because of her tight time table, so she wasn’t in the mood for small talk and Jo was quieter than usual that day – and she _never_ was quiet. But the most frustrating was Sam, who didn’t say anything to anyone that morning. No matter what Dean asked or said, Sam only replied with barely noticeable gestures, his bitchface engraved on his face. Dean knew, he couldn’t get Sam to talk to him on this day. He sighed as he fumbled with his necklace, a gift from Sam from a couple of years ago. How was it even possible for silence to feel this wrong and hurting? Dean could really feel the heavy cloud of everyone’s silent complaints hanging above him and only waiting to rain down reproaches on him.

“When will you get the car?” Ellen asked, finally breaking the silence.

“As fast as possible. I’ll ask Cas if he can take me to his home, so I’ll drive from there.”

“Should I come and get the two after school?”

“Ugh… yeah. Dunno if Cas has enough spare seats.” Dean knew Cas’ car and assumed there would be plenty of room for all of them, but he said only half the truth on purpose. He wouldn’t mind being away from Sam for some more time, he couldn’t bear his behavior anymore. Though Dean wouldn’t admit, he also hoped to be with Cas, alone. Maybe being with Cas could calm him, at least Cas wouldn’t be judging or disappointed. Cas would simply be there and be with him.

“Cas… Castiel _Milton_?” Ellen pronounced the name as if it belonged to a rare mystical creature.

“Uh, yeah?” Dean was pretty sure that Cas’ full name was something like that what Ellen just said, he had forgotten it again. To him, Cas was simply Cas.

“Not a bad friend to have.” Ellen hummed pleased, as she stopped the car at the pavement in front of the school.

Dean knew Cas was a good friend, but how did Ellen know? But before he could ask, Jo pushed him. “Get out big boy or we’re all late!” She was right, so Dean pushed back his question to be asked some other time.

* * *

 

For lunch break, everyone gathered together as usual. Dean dragged Cas along, happy that he met him in the hallways. They haven’t had any class together yet that day, so Dean was especially relieved to have caught him. Everyone sat in their usual spot, Cas again right in the middle of a Winchester-sandwich. All those times before, Cas felt the brothers communicating both with and without words around him, but that day, it felt like they were using him as a barrier to shield themselves from the other. Cas also noticed that Sam was especially silent that day, he even turned his head in Dean’s opposite direction any time the older Winchester spoke. Something must have happened and Cas assumed it something to do with Dean’s alcohol-soaked weekend. But he brushed aside the immediate thought of asking Dean what was wrong and if he could help him to sort things out – it was nothing of his interest and he didn’t want Dean to think he was some creeper poking around in someone else’s privacy. Who was Cas to think he could be able to help, anyway? When there was something Cas had exactly no knowledge of, it was human interaction, especially with relatives.

“Cas?” Cas felt Dean gently bumping his arm with his index finger, an unusual shy gesture from Dean.

“Hum?” Cas made as he turned to face Dean, who aged horrifying over the weekend. There was barely anything left of the happy and joyful boy Cas went to the movies with. It wasn’t just the dark rings beneath Dean’s eyes and the way he barely could hold up his eyelids, it was the life that went missing in Dean’s eyes and the honesty that his smile lacked. As he talked and smiled without being actually happy, Cas could almost count the new wrinkles appearing on Dean’s face.

“Can I… could _you_ … take me with you?”

Cas felt his heart stopping and sinking down his core. What was Dean asking? He inhaled deeply as if air was the only thing that could keep him from snapping out in this moment.

“If you cannot, it’s okay, it would be, you know, easier for me to get my car… She’s already weeping for me.” Dean added a helpless smile at the end, he felt horrible to ask. After Cas let out a sharp breath of relief, he smiled. “Sure. I can’t allow her to be apart from you any longer.”

 

During the remaining school day, Dean didn’t leave Cas’ side. He was simply happy to have Cas near, with his serene aura and a non-judgmental and understanding look in his eyes, even though he caught a glimpse of Dean’s darker side just the day before. Cas was the only one close to Dean who behaved as usual and that made Dean feel a little better. Cas was not disappointed. And if he was, he was at least polite enough to hide it. Like it was the most natural thing, Dean sat down in the back row, next to Cas again and continued talking. Dean only paused and turned away from Cas to wink viciously at Meg, whose smile faded as she saw that Cas was already busy with Dean. Dean promised himself to give Cas and her a chance, his poor buddy needs to get laid, but damn it, not on that day.

 

“Is that… that is the same car as yesterday?” Dean couldn’t believe his eyes as he wandered around admiring the car Cas just unlocked with a push on his keys. He inspected the details, the polish and… _everything_.

“Yes, this is my car, Dean. I only own this one.”

“Dude, this car is por-no-gra-phic. A _BMW 650i Cabriolet_? Are you serious?” Dean was wondering about himself – how could he not be noticing this beauty in white until now? Cas couldn’t help but to smile shyly, suddenly realizing that he really owned a pretty decent vehicle. He never really thought about it, since it was nothing more but a tool for him, but seeing Dean being all over it and sneaking around it again and again, made him proud.

“I am pretty serious, yes.” Cas grinned as he got in the car, Dean following right away and already admiring the interior just as he sat down. The day before in the dark it was impossible to see this beauty.

“Sorry, it took me a little lo – _oh_.” The passenger’s door opened as Dean leaned over to look at the back of the car. He turned to see who was about to sit down where he already sat.

Anna.

It was Anna.

 _That_ Anna.

Dean’s eyes grew wider and wider, so did Anna’s. Both stared at each other, mouths wide open, as they suddenly remembered every detail of their epic failed get-together.

“We have an extra passenger today. Do you mind sitting in the back?” Cas leaned closer to Dean to get a better look at Anna, who nodded, still deadpanned, and obeyed her brother.

“This is Dean, my class mate. And that is Anna, my sister.” Though he knew, he knew for sure, that these two already knew each other, Cas followed his upbringing and introduced them to each other anyway. Neither Anna nor Dean could say more than “ _Hi_ ”, both being surprised to meet again in Cas’ car, of all places possible. Sure, Dean had already figured out that there might be some relation between Cas and Anna, but still, this came a little bit unexpected.

After a while, Anna broke the silence that settled in as soon as the left the school's parking lot, obviously feeling a little lost in the backseat.

“Is Dean going to stay the afternoon?”

Both Dean and Cas jumped at the question, not really knowing what to say – Dean would have liked to stay but since Cas’ mom seemed to be strict and Bobby and Ellen were surely still pissed, it maybe wasn’t the best idea to stay longer, even if he rang the Singers up. But he couldn’t bring himself up to say no.

“He wanted to get his car. You might have noticed, it is still parking in front of our house.” Cas stated shortly, Anna shook her head. She never paid this much attention to her environment like Castiel did. Cas figured that it was the easiest, most harmless way to put it into words. He surely would have liked Dean to stay, but he didn’t know how to ask, if it even was acceptable to ask. And what would Naomi say about, anyway?

“You should come over some time. Castiel never invites anyone. It’s too bad.” Anna shrugged, trying to sound careless while she perfectly understood that her brother surely had a soft spot for Dean. Castiel never had friends over and still, Dean’s car was at their house. Castiel never talked to anyone, and yet, Dean sat here in his car. Anyway, Anna was also pretty sure that it was Dean who Castiel went out with the other day and she would have been horribly wrong not to believe her brother had nothing to do with Dean getting out of Alastair’s claws. She might not be Sherlock Holmes, but Anna was neither blind nor stupid. She realized something, something special, was blooming up between them. But maybe, they still needed some nudging and pushing.

“Sure… I guess?” Dean said as he eyed Cas, trying to decipher whether or not Cas would like to invite him or not.

“There’ll surely be plenty of occasions where we could spend some time, possibly at my house as well.” Anna cringed at the way Castiel always tended to put things into more complicated words than necessary.

“If we camouflage it as homework, of course.” Dean smiled at Cas’ addition, relieved to see some normalcy here and there shining through the seriousness wrapped in a trench coat.

As soon as they arrived at the Milton’s house, Anna quickly jumped out of the car and hurried over to the house, shouting something that sounded like a _Bye_ to Dean. She smiled to herself because he simply knew that the two would rather be alone together quickly. _They’re adorably dumb._

Without any words, Dean left the car and strolled over to his own, Cas following, at first hesitant, but then he caught up fast with Dean.

Dean sighed as he patted his baby’s roof. She was safe here and made it pretty well through the night without him.

“Thanks buddy for taking care of her.” Dean smiled, looking at Cas.

“But I didn’t do anything, I just let her be.” Cas shrugged, but he couldn’t help but to smile, too, seeing the relief in Dean’s eyes.

“I’m sorry for whatever happened yesterday. I hope I wasn’t a total douche.” The smile on Dean’s face faded, as he looked past Cas, unfocused.

“You weren’t. Don’t worry.” Cas gave his best to sound as calm as possible, but he couldn’t deny he still wondered what Dean meant with the “spell” he was talking about. Was he really only referring to the way they got along so well? Was Dean only confused to have someone who understood him? But Cas wasn’t brave enough to say out loud what occupied his mind since the night before. It would make it complicated and for once, Cas wished for one thing in his life not to be complicated but simply… simple.

“Sure?”

Cas nodded to assure Dean. Dean shouldn’t worry, about anything.

“Thanks man.” Dean pulled Cas in tightly for a hug, an awkward and painful hug, since he basically crushed the surprised Cas, who couldn’t even move his arms to reciprocate the embrace. He felt like Dean was about to break his spine, but Cas didn’t mind, he liked feeling Dean’s warmth and affection. Dean enjoyed feeling Cas so close, his breath on his neck and his smell of aftershave and something that seemed to be cinnamon coming up his nose. But as soon as Dean noticed that his whole body was about to lean closer, wanting to feel more of Cas, he let go of him. He didn’t want this to become embarrassing.

“See you tomorrow.” That being said, Dean drove off, Cas looked after him, a faint smile on his face. Cas thought it was funny how much effect some physical contact had on the human mind – this was surely the reason why some students even kissed and cuddled at school. It felt good, not just physically, but also mentally.

 

“He didn’t want to leave, not yet.” Cas almost had a heart attack since he didn’t expected Anna to be still in the entrance, as he stepped in to the house. She must have watched them, she drew the curtains from the window next to the main door back in place.

“How do you get that idea?” Cas tried to sound casually, hiding the eager curiosity in his voice, as he turned his back on her, hanging up his trench coat.

“This was not a _I-am-happy-to-leave-hug_. And believe me, this was not his _I-want-to-get-away-face_.” Anna folded up her arms and raised her eyebrows as if she was giving Cas a lecture. Cas was aware of the fact Anna knew she was talking about. But he didn’t dare to believe it, so he just shrugged.

“You didn’t want him to leave as well, you wanted him to stay.” This made Cas stop on his way to the kitchen, turning around to look right in to her eyes, bright as if she knew everything, as if she looked right through Cas. He didn’t like to be this easy to read.

“And if so… it wouldn’t be possible. Naomi wouldn’t approve.”

“Who cares? Naomi never approves of anything. Anyway, you should stop living your life trying to please her and Dad. You are slowly losing yourself. Hold on to yourself. And think for yourself, you flawless paradigm of an upright son.”

* * *

 

The following weeks went by easily and peaceful, a little _too_ calm for Dean’s liking who suspected the next big catastrophe to wait for him right around the next corner. But there was nothing, nothing but the ordinary life of a high school student he never thought he was going to have. But he adapted, he adapted indeed well to this normalcy.

The school days passed by in a quickly developed routine. Dean surely had some chats with his girls in the halls, but he preferred sitting with Cas whenever they shared a class. From all the people Dean met at school and even from his own little wolf pack, Cas was Dean’s favorite. They spent every lunch break together, sitting with their friends, but always engaged in their own conversations about everything that was relevant that day. The topics were surely mostly trivial, but neither Dean nor Cas really cared.

“Look, they’re drifting away in to their own cosmos. Cute, huh?” Ash spoke out loud what everyone else thought and received a kick against his shin from Dean. None of Dean’s friends minded their friendship, they were all pretty fond of Cas even though nobody knew how to handle him, nobody but Dean. Cas was happy that only Dean really talked to him, social interaction still wasn’t Cas favorite thing. He was thankful for the natural way things with Dean happened.

Cas was truly happy.

And so was Dean, who switched places on the bench with Cas, so both Winchester brothers sat next to each other. Sam and Dean got along better again. Dean barely went out and if he did, he never returned home late or drunk, but he made sure to spend time at home with Sam as well. They watched DVDs, the went fishing or Sam helped Dean helping Bobby – just as they always used to do.

Yes, Dean was happy as well.

 

“Hey, Prince Charming!”

Well, _almost_.

Meg used to appear out of the nowhere again and again and every time, she managed to tickle Dean most sensitive nerves with her blatant flirting with Cas. Cas was embarrassed with the way she always walked up way too close to him and was a little too inappropriate for school with the things she said, but Cas was too polite to rebuke her. Anyway, he was too busy to figure out what the weird feeling in his stomach tried to tell him that occured every time Meg was near him.

 _How could she find us in the damn library?_ Dean rolled his eyes. Cas and him had been busy looking for the right books to help them with their geography homework, a class they didn’t share with Meg. How did she know where they were?

“Hello, uhm, Meg…” Cas stuttered, just as surprised as Dean to meet her there.

“What you’re up to?” Meg smiled, biting her bottom lip as she eyed Cas up and down.

 _Oh come on_ , Dean thought angrily. _You cannot be serious._

“We are looking for books – “

“We do what the library is there for.” Dean cut Cas off, hoping he could hound her out. As much as he tried to tell himself to be nice to her not to screw up Cas’ chance with her, he couldn’t help himself. He didn’t like the way she looked at Cas, he didn’t like the way she talked to him and he surely didn’t like how Cas paid attention to her.

“The library is not just there for books…” Meg’s voice was low as she walked up to Cas, whose eyes widened in question. Dean clenched his fist. _This is like the beginning of a very bad porn._

“For what el- “ Cas didn’t get to finish, since Meg grabbed the coat, pushed Cas against the shelf and pushed her lips on to his for a kiss.

She really _kissed_ him.

Dean almost dropped his books as he watched the scenery before him. This had to be some sick joke, a horrible nightmare. This was impossible.

Cas’ eyes widened in shock as he felt his insides burn, toss and turn, as if he was about to throw up. He felt caught between her and the shelf and the way her lips were pressed onto his felt just painful and wrong. This was not what a kiss should feel like, this is not how he learned kisses could feel like. She didn’t feel right. The way she nibbled at his lips to persuade him to open his mouth was just too much; Cas grabbed her shoulders firmly to turn her around, pushing Meg against the shelf instead. It seemed like she didn’t see that coming, her grip on Cas grew weaker and he quickly used this chance to finally back off and get out of her arms.

“Wow, Castiel, not bad.” Meg’s surprise was honest, but before she could attack again, Dean tucked the books back in to the shelf and hurried away, gripping Cas by the wrist and dragging him along.

“Dean… we need these books.”

“Not now.”

Without any more words, Dean stomped over the school ground, over to the old steel staircase where he and Cas talked a couple of weeks before, after their kiss which Dean now remembered more vividly than ever.

Just as they arrived beneath the stairs, Dean leaned against the wall, pulling Cas closer, until their chests bumped onto each other. Dean’s pulling made Cas stumble, he caught himself by slamming his palms onto the wall, his hands on each side of Dean’s head. Their noses touched and they felt each other’s breath on their faces. Cas felt his heart pumping wildly, his heartbeat loudly in his ears, deafening him. Dean grabbed Cas’ coat, just the way Meg did. But this time, Cas didn’t feel like escaping.

They tried hard to catch their breaths and looked deep into each other’s eyes. This felt good.

Dean was pleased to have Cas close, close to him and no one else. But still, he wasn’t satisfied. He wanted more.

He slightly leaned his head forwards, his lips gently brushing Cas’. Cas felt a shiver coming from his lips, going through his neck and running down his spine. He replied with his lips softly parting, Dean’s doing so as well. As if there was still any distance between them, Cas came closer, their bodies pressed together and they deepened the kiss, allowing their tongues to meet.

It felt like their first kiss, so natural and still exciting, but yet, it was even better this time. This time, it wasn’t messy and certainly, there was less spit involved. Their teeth still collided occasionally, but the kiss was calm, compared to the first. Dean enjoyed being squeezed between the wall and Cas, he was barely aware of what his hands were doing as they slipped beneath the coat, along Cas’ waist, trembling, as they slid up and down the fabric of the white button-down shirt Cas usually wore. He couldn’t feel anything that was not Cas, not even his own body, he only felt Cas, Cas in his mouth, Cas against his him, Cas beneath his hands. Since when did Dean enjoy kissing so much? It never had been more than an inevitable necessity to get someone laid, but now, it was the best thing Dean could imagine. With every motion of Cas’ tongue, Dean felt another spark being shot through his body. This was perfect.

“Dean,” Cas pulled away, enough to speak, but not too far away from Dean, “are you jealous?”

“I just don’t like someone kissing you.” Dean smiled, barely conscious of the fact he was talking.

“ _You_ are kissing me… again.”

“That’s right.” Dean said as he caught Cas’ lips for another kiss. They heard the bell ring to the next period, but neither was willing to actually pull away. Cas let his hands slide down the wall and placed them on Dean’s shoulder, pushing him a little more against the wall. No, neither of them was about to go to class, they wouldn’t be able to focus or to walk, with their knees limb and shaking dangerously.

Both felt like they discovered a secret, very personal way of euphoria that they wanted to share a little longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They are so happy... well, for now ;D   
> Don't worry, this is not the end yet, there's still a lot to come for them! So I hope to see you next time! :)


	7. 'Till It's Inside My Pores

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello & welcome back! ^-^  
> This chapter is much longer than the previous ones and surely made me grow gray hair... but I am happy with the result and I hope you are, too!   
> In case anybody cares, this chapter's title is borrowed from a song as well, it's a lone from the chorus to t.A.T.u.'s "Show Me Love" (my secret theme song to the fic, by the way).  
> But now, enjoy the latest chapter (and the fluff) and whatever you got to say, let me now :)

If it hadn’t been for Cas’ reasonability, they would have screwed the remaining school day and stayed there under the staircase. But much to Dean’s chagrin, Cas insisted to go to the class after the one they skipped. Cas was convinced it would be "less notably" this way. 

They were paranoid, trying to behave as less suspicious as possible. This wasn’t the first time Dean secretly made out during school, but it was the first time he made out with a _boy_ and surely the first time making-out had such an impact on him. He still felt Cas’ lips on his mouth and their body pressed against each other. His knees were shaking, he had to focus hard to keep his legs from collapsing. And once more, his pants were too tight for him to walk. What the hell was going on?

Cas felt like “ _I have just been involved in something unmannerly_ ” was written all over his face and that everyone could tell easily Cas didn’t just kiss one, but _two_ different people during one day, at school and even during a class. He cringed at the thought of Naomi finding out – it would be awful enough if she only knew he skipped a class… if she would ever find out _why_ , Cas was doomed, he already knew. Whatever just happened between Dean and him, had to stay between them. Cas felt horrible, so very burdened with guilt for being absent from a class, for being immoral _twice_ , for kissing a boy and especially for the constellation of being engaged in immoral acts with a boy during class and actually enjoying it. No, no, this will be punished with horrible aftermaths. There was no way for this to end well.

But now, they had to get through the remaining school day, which was unbearable hard for them to be this close and not allowed to touch each other, with the urgent need for another push up to their endorphin level. They had to admit, besides the threat, there was something very exciting to the whole thing.

 

When he got back home, Cas was still thunderstruck. He was more than relieved it was Anna’s turn to drive that day, he surely wasn’t in the state of driving with his mind being already busy enough.

“Are you okay?” Like a faint echo in the distance, Anna’s voice rang through to Cas, who flinched by the sudden question.

“What?” Cas shook his head, smiling embarrassed because he didn’t really get what she was asking him.

“If you are okay, Castiel?” Anna pronounced every word loud and clear.

“Sure.” Cas cleared his throat and sat up straight again. This was the easiest way to get out of this way too complicated topic. Anna would surely have kept her lips sealed about it, but the less people knew, the better.

“Okay... If there’s something you wanna talk about… just come knocking at my door.”

* * *

 

Dean laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling.

This had been another glorious kiss. No, kiss was a way too plain word for _this_. It was just… damn, Dean had no idea, his mind immediately going blank every time he thought of it. He had already caught himself thinking of Cas again and again, all through the previous weeks. He thought about him when he was at home, alone with himself and his mind. He always found himself recalling Cas’ arms in that grey shirt he wore when he drove Dean home, he often remembered the way that stupid coat swayed with his motions as Cas walked and damn, he could never forget since that day, that one fatal day, the way Cas’ lips felt onto his own. He never thought something like this could be possible between dudes. He was so sure the first (the first _two_ , actually) kiss happened out of the combination of getting along and being curious, but that was no explanation for what happened that day, that did not explain why Dean made out with Cas after Meg kissed him. And what could ever explain the way it made Dean feel? The only experiences he had that felt similar were those times Dean thought he… was in _love_.

But no, no, no, this was impossible. Dean Winchester never was in love. There was no such thing as love. Anyway, Cas was his friend, his _best_ friend. That really didn’t help to make things easier.

But the worst actually was the sheer wanting to see Cas again, as soon as possible. Dean’s whole body was electrified by the thought of the sheer possibility to see Cas, but within a break of a second, that feeling turned in to fear – fear of what could happen then, a deep fear of losing control and screwing things over with Cas once and for all.

What if he repelled Cas with going one step to far and wanting too much?

What if Cas wanted something more than Dean was willing and able to give?

One, two, three quick knocks at the door and fourth after a short pause interrupted the questions that kept popping up in Dean’s head. He knew this rhythm, it was the knock the brothers developed a long time ago, both barely remember when.

“Come in.” Dean sat up on his bed, making room for Sam, who came to sit down next to him.

“Bobby wants you to come upstairs, he’s got something to announce.” Dean raised his eyebrows as he realized how low his baby brother's voice got during the last couple of weeks.

“What?” Dean wondered, but Sam shrugged.

“Don’t know.”

* * *

 

“What happened during Algebra?” Naomi grabbed Cas’ lower arm just as he entered the kitchen on his way to grab a snack. He was glad he didn’t meet her during the day, so he pushed aside any thoughts of the unavoidable confrontation. He assumed that she surely knew he skipped a class.

Her eyes stared at him, a look so furious it scared Cas. He often saw her being angry or unnerved, but never like _this_. He didn’t reply right away, so she tightened her grip on his arms, her nails slowly carving red marks into his bare skin.

“Castiel, I am talking to you!” She shook him, forcing him to answer.

“I- I… was outside…” Cas stuttered, not really having an idea what he could say to receive the least possible punishment from Naomi. He knew very well what was about to happen if he didn’t do what he was supposed to do.

“And what are you doing outside?” As if to emphasize her seriousness, she pushed Cas. He hit his back against the kitchen door, the door handle painfully against his lower back.

He wished he would have been brave enough to push her away, he knew he was strong enough for this. He wished he would have had the courage to speak up against her, telling her to stop spying on Anna and him and calling Mr. Crowley every day to ask if any of their teachers had something to complain about the Milton siblings. He wished he would have raised his voice and tell her she couldn’t control every detail of their lives and that it wasn’t her business whatever he did during school. But he wasn't strong or brave. He was pathetic. He always had been.

“I wasn’t feeling well…” He simply mumbled out the first thing that came to his mind, remembering that Anna used to blame poor health as well every time she was about to get scolded for missing responsibility.

“Yeah? What was wrong?” Naomi narrowed her eyes, as if she didn’t believe what Cas was telling her. The grip on his arm was still painful.

“I felt… sick. I needed to get out for air.” Cas couldn’t bear to look at Naomi’s scornful stare anymore, his eyes went up to the ceiling. He was a little relieved to have told a lie that held a little truth, because he _did_ feel like he was sick after Meg’s kiss.

“Sick?” Naomi could hardly hold back a spiteful smile; she didn’t believe him.

“Sick.” Cas repeated, a little more confident of his white lie.

“Why didn’t you see the nurse?”

“I just needed some fresh air, so I didn’t want to be a bother.” _Confidence is the key to be a good liar_ , his brothers once taught him and with a breath sucked in hardly, Cas looked straight into Naomi’s eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell a teacher?”

“They would have made a big thing out of it. I didn’t want to cause a fuzz.”

“And so you dragged this... this Winchester along?”

Cas gulped, scared. How did she know… and what else did she know?

“He accompanied me.”

“He always misses classes and barely passes exams. I don’t understand why you’re fond of him.”

“He was there for me.”

“He makes you stay out late, shows up here drunk and makes you miss school. I don’t like him.”

Cas felt anger boiling up inside him. She had no idea who Dean was.

“He was there when I was sick and made me feel better. He is a good friend.” Cas voice got louder. He hated the way Naomi judged without even knowing anything.

“He’s a bad influence.”

“How do you know?”

“You met him when you got him out of criminal actions.”

“And you never met him at all.”

Cas was just as surprised as Naomi about what just came out of his mouth. She let go of his arm but raised her index finger up to his face.

“Be careful, Castiel. If I ever catch you doing wrong and he’s the reason… may God help you.”

* * *

 

Dean and Sam both sat in silence at the kitchen table, unable to say anything. Dean leaned back at the chair, tilting his head towards the ceiling, while Sam stared at his hands that held on tightly to his glass of lemonade on the table in front of him. Bobby sat across from them and fumbled with his baseball cap, as he looked up to them.

“I guess I should leave you two alone to discuss this, okay?” He forced himself to smile as he got up to leave the kitchen. As soon as Bobby was out, the elder brother cleared his throat.

“So… Dad wants to see us, huh?” Dean shook his head in disbelief. Sam took a sip from his glass and shrugged. “So what?”

Dean eyed Sam, wondering if he heard correctly. “You don’t wanna see him?”

Sam got up from his chair, head hanging low. “No.”

As Sam walked towards the door, Dean got up as well. “But why? I mean… _he_ wants to see _us_.” Dean couldn’t help but to smile a little. He felt a little rush of warmth floating through him.

“So? Since when does he care?” Sam left Dean alone in the kitchen without looking back at him again. Dean wanted to hurry after his brother, but he decided to leave him be as he heard feet stomping up the stairs.

Sure, their Dad had never been a candidate for the medal as the father of the year, but damn, he still was their father and he didn’t fail completely. Sam and Dean turned out pretty rad, didn’t they? And who were they to forsake their own father? Sam, Dean and their dad John were the last remaining members of their family. They had to stick together, Dean was sure and it felt like it was his duty to see his Dad when he wishes to. No matter what happened in the past. They were family still.

But what was Dean supposed to do? Sam didn’t seem to forgive their father any time soon. One Winchester is going to be pissed off at the end, no matter what Dean was going to do. But _which_ one was he supposed to piss off?

* * *

 

Later that evening, Cas still found himself both angry and intimidated by Naomi. He was scared and furious at once that she knew so much about his life at school, but he was relieved she didn’t know the details. How could she condemn something that felt both so scary and good?

Lost in thoughts, he punched the pillow on his lap while he sat on the bed. He gave his best to cool down and find his inner balance again, he wasn’t used to feel anything but calm. But calmness was the only emotion Cas couldn’t feel since Dean and him kissed. He never even imagined it was possible to feel so many different emotions. He had no idea that it was possible to feel his skin prickle and his blood rushing, his heart pumping and his hands to be sweaty and yet, to feel perfectly wonderful with that. He barely paid attention to his homework during afternoon, he simply scrawled down his notes without thinking twice about his answers. Dean occupied his mind. Their first kisses already blew Cas’ mind, but these on that day were… intense. His whole body responded to the flashbacks in a way he never experienced before. It was interesting, but very inconvenient as well – for the remaining day, Cas stuffed a big pillow on his lap, both as a distraction and a cover-up. He never knew when someone came unannounced in his room and that pillow might prevent uncomfortable situations and confrontations.

As he sat on his bed, he gave his best to consciously pay attention to the TV set on the dresser across the room, but it was still hopeless.

Dean was everywhere.

Cas had to change the TV channels countless times because there happened too many things Cas couldn’t stomach like hugs, kisses, making-out sessions, actors who looked a little too much like Dean or shows Dean liked, loved or thought they were "awesome". As he watched whatever was happening on the screen, a documentary about beekeeping that he found by chance, Cas caught himself sinking his fingers into the pillow, pulling it closer and deeper into his lap and moving his hips against it, imagining it was Dean.

As he realized what he was doing, Cas tossed the pillow across the room and paused in shock.

His mind was soaked and drenched with Dean, through and through.

Was this the spell Dean referred to the other night?

* * *

 

Dean sat on the couch with Jo and Bobby, watching TV. Ellen was still over at the _Roadhouse_ and Sam wasn’t seen since he went upstairs. Dean didn’t care what they were watching, he was fine with everything as long as he wasn’t alone and kept busy. He wanted to talk to Sam but he knew it would be in vain. Sam could be fucking stubborn.

Jo didn’t seem to know anything about John’s wish to see his sons and Bobby was polite enough not to bring it up again – sure, Dean was relieved, but somehow, he felt the need to talk about it, anyway. There were too many things bugging his mind and he would have liked to get at least one thing sorted out and the Daddy issue seemed to be the easiest to fix.

Since the TV wasn’t enough distraction, Dean started playing around with his phone, opening and closing games, flipping back and forth through the menu as his finger slipped and the contact list popped open. Dean groaned, being annoyed with the accidental motion and wanted to close it again, as one name stood out, catching Dean’s attention – _Cas M._

He remembered saving Cas' phone number, but he never used it. He saw Cas at school every day and apart from that, they don’t have any contact – leaving aside their afternoon at the movies, the memories Dean tried to push aside but caught himself savoring all over again anyway.

Through his phone, Dean stayed in touch with each of his friends at school, with some more, with some less. Chuck asked weird details daily (for "research" as he said, since Dean and Sam inspired him to some kind of weird mystery fiction), Ash recommended and asked for music some time and with Garth he messaged about movies, good and bad. Even with Kevin, who was more Sam’s friend, he chatted occasionally, mostly because he asked Dean for advice on girl topics. Strangely, it was only Cas with whom Dean never had any form of contact but direct talking, even though he was the one Dean got along the best with. What would they even be messaging about? To Dean, it wasn’t that important what they were talking about, he just liked being with Cas. Maybe it was a good thing they didn’t spend too much time together, they might grow too attached to each other.

As he kept staring at his phone, opening and closing the main menu, he tried to imagine what kind of phone user Cas might be, what topics he would message about, what his writing style would be –

Was Cas even the kind of person for messaging?

Dean paused, sliding his phone through his fingers – he had no idea. He never saw Cas using his phone anyway, he didn’t even know what kind of phone Cas owned, but he assumed it was surely an expensive one, considering the car he drove.

The idea of writing text messages with Cas made Dean smile, the thought of being in contact with Cas at almost any time sent a shiver down his spine, tickling and exciting. Would be nice for a change to see some else spamming his phone and since it would be Cas, it wouldn’t even feel like spamming. Dean was interested in what Cas would tell him and what Cas would say about… Dean had so much bottled up inside he knew he had to talk about with someone, but he disliked the thought of opening up this much. But with Cas… with Cas it might work out. He never made a drama and he always judged from a neutral point of view. Plus, he didn’t annoy Dean. He never did.

Absently minded, Dean opened the messaging menu, but as he sat down his finger to type, he breathed out loudly, making Bobby turn to look at him questioning, but Dean didn’t react to this. How should he start the conversation? _Should_ he even start it?

It might annoy Cas or make him feel uncomfortable. Maybe he wasn’t interested in being more involved with Dean? Dean didn’t want to force something on to Cas. He just felt like…

Cas?

**_Hello Dean. Is there something to watch you would recommend?_ **

**_I can’t find something on TV and I trust your tastes. Sorry to be a bother._ **

**_Please do not interpret this message as a pathetic way to initiate a conversation._ **

**_-Cas_ **

Dean had to double- and triple-check what he saw. Did Cas really just send him a text message?

It showed his name and number like it was saved in Dean’s address list. It was written the weird way Cas would talk. He closed and opened the message menu again and the message was still there, filed under Cas’ name.

Yes, yes, Cas just did.

Dean couldn’t help but to smile. Cas was such a stupid son of a bitch – just like Dean himself. As he typed a reply, he felt the smile hurt on his face, but he didn’t care.

**_Hey cas, its fine. not watchin anything either,_ **

**_jo &bobby watch boring documentation. _ **

**_you wanna watch series or movie?_ **

Just as he pressed the “send”-button, Dean realized he just sent a text, the very first text, to Cas. He didn’t think about it, he just wrote and sent it, without checking it, correcting mistakes or even answering Cas’ damn question properly. Why did he answer a question with another question?

God, Cas must be so damn annoyed. Dean slapped his forehead and sat deeper into the couch, hoping it might swallow him and never spit him back out again.

Jo noticed Dean’s weird behavior.

“You okay, Dee?”

Just as he was about to answer, his phone buzzed, drawing his attention to the little envelope-symbol on the screen. Cas replied.

**_My compassion for your not any less boring evening!_ **

**_I am content with both. I never stayed through a series, so maybe I should try one?_ **

**_What shows do you watch?_ **

Dean felt the smile grew wider. Okay, maybe this wasn’t the ideal time to confess his burning passion for _Dr. Sexy MD_ , so he brainstormed his memory about which shows he enjoyed and remembered that Sam and him actually owned some on DVD.

**_Would you count Star Wars as a series?_ **

**_The X-Files and Star Trek were pretty rad._ **

**_Could borrow you them. Dexter was cool too, should be on Netflix._ **

Dean assumed in a household like the Milton’s, Netflix surely was available, otherwise he made sure he only suggested things he was sure Cas could easily get his hands on – because Dean had them at home. And this time, Dean made sure he checked the text before actually sending it. He didn’t want Cas to think he was a completely uneducated moron. The reply came within a matter of seconds.

**_I have never seen Star Wars so I suppose I should start with these, shouldn’t I?_ **

**_I feel like I am missing out something huge._ **

Dean shook his head, laughing to himself. This is a huge gap in Cas’ pop-cultural education.

**_You serious? Star Wars is a must-see! We got the whole Saga on DVD, you wanna borrow?_ **

Dean was about to jump off the couch, get downstairs to grab the DVD-Box and drive over to Cas, but the fact that Cas’ family wasn’t this cool felt like a slap on the face as he remembered. If he’d show up late there again, Cas’ mother surely would kick him out. Though Cas never really talked about his family, Dean could still put together all the pieces of evidence and could tell Cas’ home wasn’t that warm and surely not lenient.

* * *

 

Cas contemplated and pondered for several days actually if he should text Dean, initiating some kind of private contact. He truly enjoyed the time at school he spent with Dean and he especially enjoyed the physical contact on that exact day. He couldn’t deny – why should he? – he wanted more interaction with Dean, no matter which kind. Usually, when this thought came up, he could easily calm himself by remembering he would always see Dean at school the following day and so far, it had worked. But now, it was urgent.

The first kiss was some kind of a pleasant surprise, a good thing to happen and surely something Cas wouldn’t disagree with if it would happen again, but the second time they kissed, Cas got hooked. This time, he couldn’t push aside the thoughts at all, this time, his whole mind spun around only one thing, only around Dean.

He had no idea what to do to interact with Dean or to keep himself busy. The TV program was horrible and he already watched every DVD he owned twice and re-read all of his books during the last weeks. After thinking it all through again and again he decided he could at least try to send Dean a text message with an innocent and yet relevant topic – it was worth a try, wasn’t it? After typing, clearing everything and typing down the message again and again, he sent it, hoping he didn’t sound too desperate.

The fact that Dean replied faster than he expected calmed him down. Things went smooth and quickly, he typed just as easy as he talked with Dean in real life.

**_Yes, I would like to borrow them. Would it be alright if you brought them to school tomorrow?_ **

Cas didn’t notice he dozed off as he woke up to the buzz of his phone.

**_Sure, no probs. CU tomorrow!_ **

* * *

Cas stuffed the DVD box deep into his bag, to make sure it wouldn’t fall out. Dean couldn’t help but to smile as he watched Cas’ slim fingers stuffing away the box carefully. The thoughts of the day before, of their kiss, were pushed aside by news on the Daddy-front and suddenly, he couldn’t help himself but thinking back to the day before, when those fingers were touching him gently and…

“Oh boy, _Star Wars_! These are awesome! I totally didn’t see coming that Leia and Luke are actually-“

“Dude! Spoiler alert!” Dean shouted out loud to overpower Garth, who just came along and jumped at the unexpected rebuke. But not just Garth, but also Cas and some people nearby in the halls turned around to look at Dean in a bewildered, questioning way. Dean didn’t mean to interrupt Garth _this_ loudly, so he went for an excuse. “He hasn’t seen them yet and I don’t want his experience to be ruined.” Garth nodded, a big smile on his face as he turned to Cas. “So you’re a virgin!”

“Dude!” Dean shouted again, feeling embarrassed. Cas’ face froze to a shocked expression, both mouth and eyes wide open.

“What?” Garth looked at Dean, then at Cas and back to Dean again and shrugged. “If he hasn’t seen it yet, he is a _Star Wars_ virgin, that’s a fact.” Dean breathed out sharply through his nose, while Cas closed his eyes and smiled a little. _That_ kind of virgin he was talking about.

“Yeah, but just… don’t call it _this_ way.” Dean patted Garth’s shoulder, a little too forceful for someone this tiny like Garth, who had to make a step forwards to keep himself from falling over. “Aye, Deano!” Garth giggled as he pulled his backpack’s straps back in place. “Anyway, I gotta go. Chemistry, yay!” With a big smile and both fists pumping up in the air, Garth ran off.

“That dude’s nuts, but I gotta admit, he grew on me.” Dean shook his head in disbelief that this kind of people are now his dearly beloved friends.

“So what is now with Leia and Luke?” Cas tilted his head, looking at Dean in question. It bothered him that he now expected a certain plot twist that he just couldn’t decipher with this few information he got.

“You gotta see.” Cas’ pouting to his reply made Dean laugh, this expression made Cas look unusual young, almost like the teenager he actually was. This damn trench coat made the kid look so plain and so much older. What was even the thing with it?

“When you stare at me like this, you make me blush, Dean.” The dry tone in Cas voice made Dean look up, closer into Cas’ face.

“Are you speaking sarcasm now?” Dean laughed as he realized that Cas smiled.

“I’m currently learning.”

* * *

 

Cas sat on his bed for a while now, the DVD box in his hands, flipping it around again and again to read the description on the back and to look at the cover. The box looked old, as if Dean owned it for a very long while now or if he had bought it second hand. He wanted to watch it, he was eager to put it into the DVD player and press play, but he couldn’t.

He was _too_ excited.

It felt too overwhelming to get a glimpse inside Dean’s world and having something of his belongings in his own hands. All day during school Cas could easily manage to cast aside all thoughts of the previous day, the urge to touch Dean again decreased as long as Dean was around, but now, being alone, the need to be closer to Dean again nagged at Cas’ mind. But what felt even worse was the insecurity because he had no idea what Dean thought about it.

A soft knock at the door got Cas back to earth again; without thinking twice he answered, sure who it was.

"Come in."

“Castiel?” Anna’s red head peaked into the room. The excitement in her voice made Cas look up.

“Anna?” He replied, looking at her with squinted eyes, wondering what made her coming to him with such a wide smile across her face.

“I just overheard Naomi on the phone. She’s about to leave the house ‘till tomorrow night.” Anna gave her best to speak as quiet as possible, but her complete happiness about these news made it hard for her to remain calm.

“What?” Cas couldn’t believe what he just heard. He laid the DVDs aside and got up from his bed as Anna waved at him to come closer.

“Something with Dad’s company and she needs to get to him. We’re free!” She bumped his chest with her small fist, smiling bright and wide.

Slowly, Cas realized what these news meant. “We are free.”

Anna nodded and jumped a little, Cas shaking his head, mirroring her smile.

“Anna! Castiel! Come downstairs!” A familiar voice shouted, in the usual unnerved and stressed-out tone. With a shrug, the siblings looked at each other before rushing down the stairs, both trying their best to hide their excitement.

With her wheeled suitcase beside her, Naomi stood at the mirror near the front door and put on her blazer, checking her reflection carefully.

With both taking one deep breath to calm down, Anna and Cas came up to her, playing the uninformed innocent children.

“I need to get to your father fast, he needs me there at the headquarters. There wasn’t enough time to call someone to look after you, so I have to risk leaving you on your own. I’ll be back by tomorrow night, so at least there’s not too much time for you to misbehave.” She didn’t bother to look anywhere else but herself in the mirror as she spoke while fixing her hair and adjusting her scarf.

“We won’t be disappointing you, I promise.” Cas spoke, voice low and firm, but his heart raced in excitement and his fists were clenched in anger of her accusations.

Naomi snorted. “Sure. Especially you.”

Outside, a car horn blared out through the neighborhood, making Naomi grab her suitcase’s handle. “That’s my cab. And you two… behave.” She said with a warning look in her eyes before leaving the house. Cas and Anna listened carefully to the sound of her heels rushing over to the car, only as they heard a door being slammed shut and a car driving off, Cas let out a sigh of relief, while Anna jumped with a loud “Damn, yes!” The siblings high-fived and ran upstairs, smiling brightly.

“I’ll call my girls, I _need_ to go to the mall as soon as possible!” Anna couldn’t hold back her joy anymore. On the way to her room she turned around to Cas, who was about to open his door, and smiled. “You should call up someone, too. Watching the DVDs alone must be hella boring.” Before he could ask her how she knew about the DVDs, she disappeared through the door.

Back in his room, Cas tried to shrug off Anna’s idea as naïve, but he picked up his phone from the dresser on the way to his bed, anyway.

He stopped as he realized he got a text message in the meantime.

**_Hey buddy, already watchin? Make sure to watch in the right order!_ **

_What a coincidence… or fate?_ Cas wondered if a higher power just gave him a sign or if this was just an accident, but it made him smile and his heart racing anyway. It was suddenly so easy to invite Dean over, but… but if he did, would Dean accept?

“Ah, they’re Dean’s, already guessed so.” Cas jumped, as Anna leaned over his shoulder to glance at his phone’s screen. Making the best out of his surprise, Anna snatched the phone out of Cas’ hands as she passed him by and started typing.

“He- hey! What are you even doing?” Cas shouted as he got hold of Anna, but she escaped his grip quickly and jumped on to his bed.

“Rescuing your afternoon, brother dearest.” That being said, she threw his phone back at him and jumped off the bed. “See you later!” She waved and with loud steps, she ran downstairs.

Cas didn’t follow her, he was too curious to find out what she did –

_Oh no._

**_Not yet watching. Want to come over? I’m home alone now._ **

She sent a damn message to Dean. He sighed, as sat down on his bed, tossing the phone away, burying his face in his hands. After what happened the day before Dean is going to feel pressured. Dean was someone for random hook-ups and he knew Cas was not, so he surely was going to think Cas was thinking it was serious. He pressed his hands closer onto his face, his fingers in his hair, painfully scratching his scalp. The message surely set a full-stop to something that hasn’t even –

A beeping sound came from Cas’ pillow, right where the phone landed. Only to show his disgustingly optimistic side that there was nothing to be disgustingly optimistic about, he reached to check that there… was indeed Dean calling him.

Dean was calling him.

Cas felt his hands shaking and a horrible knot forming up in his guts. He was afraid, afraid to push the green button to answer the call, afraid to hear what Dean was going to shout at him, afraid Dean would laugh at him and mock him. He wanted to simply decline the call and turn off his phone, but that would be impolite, so he pulled himself together and answered the call.

“Ye-yes?” His voice was almost inaudible, drowned by his fear and insecurity.

“Hey Cas!” No, Cas really did not expect this kind of cheerful tone coming from Dean. “Should I pick up something to eat on my way?”

“What?” Cas said out loud the only thing that was present in his mind in that moment. Confusion.

“Whatever you want, duh.”

“What? No, no, Dean, you’re coming over?”

“Ugh, yeah?” Dean’s joy was audibly replaced with serious confusion.

“Good… good… Bring over whatever you want.” It took all of Cas’ strength not to laugh out loud in relief.

“Okay. See you!”

Dean hung up abruptly, leaving Cas laughing nervously. He gently placed the phone on his desk as he walked around, unsure what to do. He scanned his room, as he ran his hands through his hair – it was clean. Good. Good. Should he prepare something?

But what?

Drinks?

Cas thought about it as he walked all across his room, looking carefully if everything was tidy and clean (not that Naomi insisted on their bedrooms to be clean and free from trash and laundry) to spare him from embarrassing happenings. He put the DVDs on the drawer next to the TV and since he wasn’t exactly sure with which movie they’d start, he decided he shouldn’t put one in the player, afraid to make a mistake.

On his way downstairs, to the kitchen, Cas took a detour towards the entrance, checking himself in the huge mirror. His face was clean, nothing was stuck between his teeth, no stains on his burgundy t-shirt or his black sweatpants.

Good, good.

Cas breathed deep before rushing to his actual destination, the kitchen. He poured himself a giant glass of sickish sweet lemonade. Naomi hated buying these kind of drinks but since everyone in the Milton family, even Cas’ father, loved the caries causing-kinds of tipple, she had to give in. His throat was so dry, the first swallows actually hurt.

Cas couldn’t believe he was actually waiting for Dean to arrive at his place and he was still unsure whether he was going to kiss or to kill Anna afterwards. Depends on how it might turn out – and that was what was freaked Cas out. What was he supposed to expect from this?

* * *

 

Dean was unspeakably relieved by Cas’ invitation. The atmosphere at the Singer’s became unbearably heavy. The John-wants-to-see-them-topic hung like a blade above the Winchester’s heads and above Bobby’s surely as well. Nobody spoke a word about it but it occupied their minds the whole day. Basically, it was a simple thing – John contacted Bobby and asked to see his boys – but the whole thing was way more than just this. At first stance, Dean would have said yes without hesitation but considering Sam’s refusal and his own evaluation, Dean wasn’t so sure anymore if he _really_ wanted to see his father, especially since he had no idea _why_ he wanted to see them, anyway. And the fact that everybody was bugged by this topic but nobody was talking about it honestly pissed Dean off, especially since he was unable himself to change anything about that.

On his way, Dean stopped by the nearest supermarket to buy some random snacks, not really caring about what he actually bought, as long as he didn’t show up with empty hands, because that would be impolite. He had no idea how this afternoon might turn out since every time he was with Cas he had a lot fun and felt truly happy but then, every damn time they were alone, they ended up on each other’s lips. He still was feeling the aftermath of the day before. He was scared, but still, it was better than staying at home with a brother that preferred boiling and smoldering by himself instead of simply saying what bothered him.

* * *

 

“That was quick.” Dean smiled as Cas opened the door almost at the same time he rang the bell.

“I was, well, just around… the corner. Do come in, Dean.” Cas had been waiting in the living room for Dean, he thought that it would be inconvenient to go upstairs only to go downstairs again as the bell would ring.

“Alright. Ah, I brought some stuff, I hope you like it.” As he made it inside, Dean held up the bag with the bought snacks up to Cas’ nose, who took it, a little surprised.

“Where can I put these?” Dean asked, as he pointed down to his shoes.

“Put them next to the others.” Cas gestured to a rack stuffed with different shoes beneath the coat hangers next to him, as he rummaged through the things Dean brought along.

“Microwaveable burgers?” Cas held up the package, inspecting it carefully. Dean scratched the back of his head, avoiding to look at Cas, as he suddenly regretted his idea. “Yeah, well, the other day, you ate so many burgers and – “

“I had no idea they exist for the microwave! This is…a brilliant idea. Thanks.” The joy in Cas voice made Dean breathe out in relief as he hesitantly followed Cas through the hallway, past the living room in to the kitchen.

To describe the Milton’s house as huge and posh would be an understatement. The wallpaper on these fucking huge walls with the white and greyish brocade pattern looked like it was easily worth Dean’s car. And even though the floor was greyish-colored marble, it wasn’t cold – did they really have an underfloor heating? A light color scheme dominated every room, even the furniture was white or in another bright color. The kitchen they just entered was completely white, apart from the light blue cushions on the chairs around the dinner table.

“What drinks should we take upstairs?” Cas asked with a gesture towards an assortment of bottles on the counter (that he totally did _not_ prepare while he was waiting for Dean) as he got out two glasses from the cupboard.

“I’d go for the lemonade and the coke.” Dean replied as he grabbed two bottles and followed Cas out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Suddenly, Dean’s heart pounded heavily against his ribs. He saw Cas at his most private stage, maybe more intimate than anyone but family before. With his unusual comfortable clothes of a slim fitting shirt and loose sweatpants and his bare feet, Cas seemed like a different person, even his voice was cheerier and his gestures we a little more lively. Dean couldn’t help but to scan Cas up and down, again and again – he never saw him from behind without his trench coat. He wondered, how it was possible for someone their age to have shoulders this broad and muscular – did Cas work out? His look wandered downwards, along the hips he just caressed the day before… to keep himself from getting lost in these thoughts again, Dean’s eyes kept wandering further down, to Cas’… ass. Damn. Dean hated to admit, but the view didn’t look too bad. The boy definitely had a body worth looking at, so why did he wrap it up all the time?

With a swift turn and a push with his hips, Cas opened the door to his room, his hands full with the glasses and the snacks Dean brought. He breathed in through his nose and closed his eyes as he swallowed hard. The moment of truth came, the moment someone is allowed to see his very own little refuge.

Dean followed Cas inside, reverently looking around and taking in what he saw. Cas’ room looked pretty normal for someone in his teens, trying to make something personal out of something that surely his parents had decorated and still some saying about, too. The white color scheme was continued throughout the room, everything from the walls to the furniture was white. If it hadn’t been for some postcards on the bulletin board above his desk, some tiny collectables on the shelf and the dark curtains and bed sheets, Cas’ room would have looked like a doctor’s office.

“I don’t really have any seats to offer, I am sorry…” Cas smiled helplessly as he gestured to the chair at the desk and the bed.

“We can take the floor, huh?” Dean smiled, shrugged and sat down on the floor at the foot of the bed within the blink of an eye. Cas didn’t move, but watched Dean wide-eyed.

“What? Never sat on the floor?” Dean noticed the also white carpet was fluffy and soft, surely not the kind to get rug-burn from… where did his thoughts drift off to?

“Sure… but simply not in a while.” Cas stated as he followed Dean down.

As he adjusted his legs to sit comfortably with them being crossed, he noticed Dean watched carefully what he was doing and mirrored his look. Without saying anything, they simply gazed into each other’s eyes, only a few inches apart from each other, Cas felt like he was set back to that day at the lake, when they –

“I am sorry, Cas.” Dean said, as he turned away from Cas’ eyes.

“What?” Cas shook his head, as if he just woke up from a trance and tried to shake off the last remains of it.

“Yesterday.” Dean cleaned his throat at stared at the walls, concentrated, to keep himself from looking at Cas again.

“Oh… I see.” Cas understood that Dean was referring to the kiss he couldn’t forget himself.

“Shouldn’t have dragged you away from Meg. Hope she still talks to you.” Dean forced a laugh to drown out every possibly occurred seriousness, but Cas kept a stern face, moving to face Dean properly.

“I don’t care about her. I didn’t like her kiss.” Cas stated this soberly as if this was a presentation at school.

“Nah, mate, you cannot say that-“ Dean shifted away from Cas, but not too far.

“Of course I can. I had better.” Dean would swear that for a break of a millisecond, a smirk appeared on Cas’ face.

“With whom?” Dean leaned over again, as if he was one of those gossip-addicted freshmen-girls when in fact he felt something in his guts twitching and peaking. Of course he was just curious, not jealous.

Cas took his eyed off Dean and looked down at his hands in his lap, as he fumbled with his fingers. He breathed in deep and as if he gained enough courage, he looked back up at Dean.

“You.”

Dean felt his jaw dropping, but Cas didn’t move, not even flinching an eyebrow. Dean didn’t like the way Cas seemed to be serious about this, so he punched his shoulder and faked a smile.

“Nah, dude, that was funny, but now, tell me, who’s she?”

“There’s no “she”, Dean, no “she” besides Meg. I only kissed you two.”

Slowly Dean understood, truly understood, that Cas hadn’t been joking. And then suddenly, it dawned on him.

“Your first kiss… was… me?” Dean looked down, seriously shocked. He already supposed Cas wasn't a lady killer, but that he was _this_ innocent... no, it didn't really occur to Dean. After this realisation he felt... horibble.

"Good god... I'm sorry, buddy."

"For what?" In such normal clothes, the tilt of his head made Cas almost look like a child, especially with this questioning look on his face.

"For being your first kiss and not even knowing it." The news made Dean feel both angry and guilty at once, he clenched his fist and felt the urge to hammer it straight into his own face.

"Would the knowledge about my chastity have changed anything about your behavior?" As if he was completely unaffected by the topic, Cas spoke calmly. There was something so relaxed about him, as he sat with his legs crossed, like he was doing a yoga pose or something.

"Sure." Dean answered promptly and simple, as if it was self-explanaining, but the puzzled expression on the other boy's face told Dean that his answer wasn't as clear as he thought.

"I wouldn't have kissed you... or at least, I would have made it better."

Silence followed, neither of them looked at the other, both stared at their hands and the carpet.

"I liked it." The dry tone in Cas' voice made Dean laugh.

"Thank you, you really sound excited about it."

Cas shrugged. "You do, as well."

"Can you blame me?"

"Not really... but was it so bad to kiss me? I think I did well... for a starter." The dramatically overacted offense in Cas' tone made Dean laugh again, but this time, with his whole heart and body. The little and somewhat stupid joke made the whole situation a little lighter again. Dean bumped his head against the bed, as he almost fell on his back laughing.

"This isn't funny, Dean, I'm serious! I wasn't this bad... stop laughing!" Even though he was relieved to see that he managed to lift Dean up, Cas couldn't help but to feel a little mocked; to make Dean shut up he tried to punch him, but Dean caught his hands before he hit him.

“Ah, ah, ah!” Dean reprimanded Cas, who pulled at his hand to free it from Dean’s firm grip, but in vain. Dean liked to tease Cas this way and didn’t even think about letting go – he liked the way how Cas tried to escape.

“Alright…” Cas murmured as he took a deep breath before pulling his arm away with all his power, causing Dean to fall over at the unexpected motion, but Cas caught him quickly before he could fall flat on his face.

“Damnit, boy, do you work out?” Dean already saw Cas’ muscular arms, but still he was surprised by this brisk force.

“Occasionally.” Cas said casually as he pushed Dean’s shoulders to make him sit up again, Dean followed the motion. With now lesser space between them, they continued their staring, but this time, it felt more intense, maybe because of their touch just a couple of seconds ago and them being closer. Without either of them noticing, they leaned towards each other – they only became aware of their actions as they noses almost touched.

None of them had something else in mind than watching a movie together, there were no second thoughts or naughty intentions, but it seemed like their sanity was shut off by each other’s presence. As Dean put his hand on Cas’ shoulder, who leaned closer to him, they knew that they were about to kiss and damn, they _wanted_ to. The urge might have not been there or at least not demanding, but in that moment, it was there and neither was about to resist. They were safe there in the secret of Cas’ room, no one to see, no one to disturb –

A distant and still annoying phone ringing cut through the silence and made the boys pull back again.

Cas jumped up to his feet in a lithesome move and hurried to the door. “That’s surely my mother. She likes to be in control, even when she’s not around. I’m back in a minute.” And with that being said, he was gone through the door and Dean heard quick steps hastening downstairs.

With a fist punch to the ground to release some frustration he felt building up inside, Dean stood up as well and started wandering around, for the lack of something better to do. He made a slow turn to take a closer look at everything around him, at everything that Cas owned.

It was just as clean and neat as Dean expected, as he inspected a giant bottom shelf filled with different kinds of books (according to what was written on their backs some were in languages Dean couldn’t identify), weird and surely complicated artistic valuable movies on DVD and many CDs with European classic, movie soundtracks and educational software. Dean was amused because this was just what he assumed to find as he pulled out one of the CD-ROMs about Algebra to have a closer look at it. But it was not entertaining, but just frustrating him since he didn’t understand what the program was even about, so he was about to put it back again, as he noticed, through the gap the missing case caused, that there was a second row hidden behind the anterior row. With his curiosity now ignited, Dean crouched down and pulled out some more of the CDs to get a closer look at what was hidden and as he read some of the titles he could decipher, he couldn't help but to giggle, silent, but honestly.

“You’re seeing something amusing, I suppose.” Dean almost fell down onto his butt, as Cas suddenly appeared next to him, crouched down as well.

“Are you a ninja?” Dean gasped pissed-off as he gained back his balance, but as he noticed he still held Cas’ CDs in his hands, he cleared his throat, ashamed of being caught in the act. “I- I am sorry, I didn’t mean, I mean, I did-“ He didn’t dare to look at Cas and prepared to be kicked out at the speed of light, but instead, Cas pulled out some books and DVD-cases one shelf-board above.

“I hid some things here as well. Simple, but effective. Naomi never checks there.” Cas wiggled an eyebrow, proud of himself.

Dean laughed, truly amused with Cas being an undercover rebel, but his expression grew serious again quickly. “Who’s Naomi?”

“My mother – _step_ -mother, actually.” Cas stated simply, Dean assumed he didn’t want to go in detail, so he decided to leave the topic be, instead he focused on Cas’ secret treasures.

“Dude, you’re unbelievable.” Dean laughed out loud as he got up to stand up straight again.

“Why? I need to put my things somewhere.” Cas shrugged after putting everything back in place, making the shelf looking unsuspicious again.

“No, because you don’t seem to be someone for _Freddie Kruger_ and _Bullet For My Valentine_.” Dean patted Cas’ shoulders as they went back to their previous spot between Cas’ bed and the TV.

“Why not? It’s both good stuff.” Cas shrugged as he turned around to face Dean, as if he wanted to continue his explanation, but he went silent. Seeing Dean, this even face, those unnatural green eyes this close again, made him unable to say anything. What was this thing about this young man that always captured his attention? His eyes went up to Dean’s and down to his lips, suddenly he was overwhelmed with the memories of the kisses they shared and the way they made him feel.

Seeing Cas so lost in his thoughts as he gazed at him, with his usually constipated look on his face looking so soft and innocent and - Dean hated to admit - fucking handsome, Dean couldn’t resist the need to pull Cas closer, Cas, who looked so stupidly good in something else but the coat. With a quick and rough motion, he swung his arms around Cas’ torso and pulled him into a tight embrace, nesting his nose against the crook of Cas’ neck.

Shocked but still pleasantly surprised, Cas had no idea how to react and what to do with his arms hanging loosely around, so he decided to wrap his arms around Dean and reciprocate the embrace.

His breathing was heavy and his heart was beating so fast he feared it was about to explode within the next beatings, but Dean couldn’t care less, he couldn’t let go of Cas, not now. He felt his hands shaking as he moved them carefully across Cas’ back, beginning to rub it but still afraid of being pushed away. After making sure Cas wouldn’t break the embrace because of his touch, he ran his trembling lips against the skin of Cas’ neck. _He smells so damn good._

Cas took in a quick breath as he felt the lips and clawed on to Dean’s shirt. His pulse ran fast, way too fast, and the weird feeling in his stomach came back but felt better than ever. His body twitched and ached beneath the chaste kisses Dean placed on one small spot at Cas’ neck, who almost imploded (or exploded, he wasn’t sure) with all those emotions suddenly building up all once, he felt the need to release something, to do anything, but he wasn’t sure what – even though he hated interrupting Dean, he had to. Cas let go of Dean’s shirt to cup his face instead and pulled it up for a kiss that Dean happily accepted with a hum.

Their hands touched each other’s face, running up and down as they deepened the kiss, almost no mess with spit this time, though the kiss itself was more urgent than ever. Teeth collided and noses hit each other sometimes painfully, but they allowed themselves and each other to simply let go, safe from being caught by anyone. After some time, when he was convinced that Cas might be somewhat alright with the kiss, Dean wanted to tease Cas a little more, so he caught the other boy’s bottom lip with his teeth and nibbled it.

The painful sweetness the bite sent through Cas’ lips tore down the last defenses Cas held up, as if the switch to turn off his reason was hit – he couldn’t hold back anymore, he let out a moan as Dean let go of his lip, both smiling as they opened up their eyes to look at each other.

“You like that, huh?” Dean asked with one eyebrow raised, but Cas didn’t reply, instead, he put his arms around Dean’s waist and pulled him even closer to kiss him once again. He needed to feel Dean’s warmth against him as close as possible, so he was thankful for that morning’s choice of somewhat tighter underwear, that hopefully concealed some embarrassing details. His body never reacted like this before, it was frightening, but somewhat exciting as well.

Dean’s arms nestled around Cas’ torso, but they quickly slipped down, to the shirt’s hem. Before he even realized what he was doing, his hands slipped underneath the shirt and up on Cas’ back, causing said one to pull back from the kiss in surprise. He shuddered beneath Dean’s trembling, sweaty but nevertheless eager fingers.

Their lips were still close, but not touching as Cas let Dean’s fingers trail up his spine, Cas focusing on the unknown sensation.

Since he assumed it was alright, he slit one hand beneath Dean’s shirt, too, hesitantly placing it on to his stomach. It felt good, Dean’s skin was surprisingly soft and warm. Slowly, he moved his hand up and to Dean’s back.

Their lips found each other again and once more, they kissed, their tongues caressing and teasing. Their hands kept moving carefully across each other’s skin, as Dean suddenly pulled away.

Cas was confused, afraid, expecting the worst, that Dean only fooled him or had enough or was about to run away, as Cas realized, Dean was taking off the flannel shirt he was wearing over his white t-shirt. Seeing the bare skin of Dean’s arms made Cas swallow hard.

“See something you like?” Dean asked with a teasing tone to his voice. He had no idea what was happening and foremost, _why_ it happened, but it felt too good for questions like this.

Cas didn’t answer, instead he ran his hands beneath Dean’s shirt again, resting them on his chest as he kissed him once again. Dean put his hands on Cas’ back and pulled him tighter, making some steps back, Cas following. Just as he felt the mattress against his legs, Dean stopped, nodding down towards the bed. “How about we get little more comf-“ Dean couldn’t finish as Cas already pushed him down to the mattress.

“Yes, Dean.”

 

They quickly ended up tossing and turning on the bed while their lips barely parted, as if they were fighting and not making out. Dean tried to get his hands on Cas’ skin again, but the way they kept on rolling over back and forth made it impossible.

“Time out!” He declared, heavily breathing as Cas sat on his lap with his legs left and right from Dean and like this, having him caught.

“Why?” Cas sat up and curled his forehead. Did making-out have this kind of rules? Before he could contemplate about a possible answer, Dean sat up as well and put his hands at the hem of Cas’ shirt again and before Cas even realized, the shirt was off and flew straight the ground. Cas stared at it lying there and then at Dean, suddenly not so fierce but a little shy.

“I hope it’s okay…” Dean mumbled as he ran his hands up on Cas’ torso. Damn, he surely never neglected a nice pair of boobs, but this, _this_ damn body, was perfect. How was it possible for a damn teenager to look this good? Cas surely wasn’t joking when he said he was working out.

“It’s acceptable when we’re even.” Cas gestured towards Dean, who looked down at himself and saw he still wore his shirt.

“If you insist…” And with that being said, Dean’s shirt landed on top of Cas’.

They remained in that position for a while, both sitting up, Cas on Dean’s lap and slowly, they ran their hands across each other’s skin, across the arms, the backs, the tummies – everywhere they could reach. There was no rush, they both took their time to explore and take in what they saw, it was almost religious with what patience and admiration they caressed each other. The peacefulness that had settled in was the exact opposite to the rough happenings right before. Slowly, both leaned in closer to each other, palms pressed against palms and fingers interwining, they leaned so close their foreheads touched.

With the feeling of Cas' head softly bumping against his and Cas' warm, but nevertheless sweaty hands holding onto his own, Dean sighed, a smile spreading across his face.

He was at peace.

How was Cas able to do that, making him feel so content and serene with just being there? Dean's head should spin and feel heavy with doubts about what they were doing or with desire of wanting more (usually, Dean would have already dressed himself up again and thanked whoever he just got laid), but no, he simply cherished the moment, hoping it wouldn't be gone too soon. Even the heavy thoughts about what to do because of his father's invitation suddenly felt so far away and neglectable, like something for another day. What the hell was going on and why was Dean not freaking out? He always rejected thoughts of even kissing another dude and here he was, with a half-naked boy in his lap, being half-naked himself. And it felt good.

"My legs are going limb, Dean." Cas muttered through teeth, obviously embarrassed to ruin this moment.

Dean laughed as he leaned back, away from Cas, to lie down and pulled him over, to make him lay next to him. "Then get cosy. It's your bed."

While climbing off Dean's lap, Cas shook both his legs and layed down next to Dean. This felt weird. He liked having Dean this close but he didn't know what to do now. Was it customary to lie next to each other after kissing? He would have been more than alright with doing so, if he wouldn't have felt so... greedy. But he since he had no clue what exactly he was craving, he didn't know what to do.

They kept on laying on their backs next to each other, both looking up at the ceiling for some while, before Cas had enough of that. He turned on his side, facing Dean and moved his fingers towards Dean's arm to caress the other one's skin. Dean shivered at the unexpected contact, looking back at Cas again, who pulled his hand back, unsure whether or not he was allowed to continue. But Dean groaned.

"Keep going, I like that."

Happy to hear this, Cas went back to run his fingertips up and down Dean's skin, enjoying the way it felt like electricity shot through his fingers.

His eyes trailed off, scanning Dean's body. He watched his chest going up and down with every breath, noticed how Dean hardly was able to keep his eyes open and how his lips trembled as they tried to hold back the repressed moans Cas was able to hear anyway. He figured Dean didn't allow himself to relax and simply give in to Cas' touch, trying hard not to show too much, repressing more than revealing. This was the way Dean always was and always had been, Cas already knew from studying and watching him. He didn't like it, but who was he to say something about it or to demand a change in Dean's attitude? He knew Dean only for a short time and he should be happy enough with what Dean was giving him now.

Dean reached out for Cas' face, brushed his fingers across it as his hand went over to the back of Cas' head. With a firm pressure, he pushed Cas' face down to his own to kiss him again. Cas was more than alright with answering the kiss, as he leaned down with his mouth slowly opening.

He slid on top of Dean again, stomach against stomach on each other, not breaking the kiss. Cas placed his hands left and right to Dean's head and supported his weight with his elbows. Dean's hands found their way onto Cas again and they quickly went down, to the small of Cas' back. Dean didn't know if he was alright with his body responding so eagerly to Cas, but he couldn't deny that once again, his boxers and pants must have suddenly shrunk, unable to contain all of Dean - because of Cas. He just hoped Cas didn't notice how hard he was as he gave into his greed and let his hands slide over Cas' sweatpants.

 _Is everything about this dude perfect?_ Dean thought as his hands got hold of a nice and tight portion of ass. He didn't even try to resist to grab it firmly, rewarded with a surprised but pleased grunt of the beholder. Dean didn't lessen the grip as he pushed Cas downwards, against his crotch and damn, that was hot. Feeling someone, feeling _Cas_ , rubbing there where he needed it felt way too good to be legal. Cas responded by grinding against Dean once, twice, making Dean let out obscene noises. Dean couldn't help himself, he was turned on and damn hard, but both to his relief and frustration, he could tell that Cas was as well. Knowing it would only make it worse and surely would not help to release any tension, he pushed Cas down against himself in a steady rhythm, again and again, while he pushed up his hips in sync. Cas surely liked what Dean initiated, as he quickly started to move on his own, without Dean's silent command, whose hands now slowly wandered up to Cas' face again to cup his cheeks to get a better hold of him as he pulled out of the kiss only to bite Cas' bottom lip again.

Cas didn't know where this was going or what all of this was even about (sure, he got a rough idea, but still), but it wasn't time for questions now. Dean's bite fueled his wanting once more and felt like he was going to explode if he should ever stop to move in their unsteady, wild rhythm. Kissing only those lips wasn't enough for Cas anymore, as he moved on from Dean's lips over to his cheeks, placing kisses too roughly that he scratched his lips against Dean's stubble. He quickly found his way to Dean's neck, kissing, nibbling, biting and sucking the tender skin. Dean's skin was way too clean and smooth for a pubescent male.

"He-hey, stop that, you're giving me hickeys!" Dean laughed as he tried to shoo Cas away who obeyed only reluctantly.

"Who cares?" The offense in Cas’ voice was real, much to Dean’s amusement, but he wasn’t about to give into blue puppy eyes.

“Me.” Dean put his thumb on Cas’ chin to move his face up to his own again, Cas got the hint and leaned in for another kiss, slow and calm. Cas could have stayed like this forever, he felt so…

“Hungry?” Dean had to pull away from Cas, bursting out with laughter. Cas sat up, a little embarrassed but nevertheless smiling about the loud noise coming from his insides that surely ruined the mood.

“I assume you heard my stomach…”

“Buddy, the whole town heard it.” Dean followed Cas up and punched the other one’s stomach. “Time for the burgers, huh?”


	8. Only A Reverie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all:  
> Thank you so much! This week the 500-hits-mark was being crossed, a giant number I never even dreamed of coming near - THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT! :D  
> Thank you for your comments and kudos as well, every single one made me feel all warm and fuzzy :3  
> I hope you like today's chapter and will keep up with the story in the future!

They made it down to the kitchen quickly, both driven by a fast growing hunger for some junk food. After he sat the two burgers onto a plate and started the microwave, Cas went over to sit with Dean at the dinner table. Now that he cooled down a little, Cas was focusing on Dean’s eyes again.

They were restlessly flickering around, as if he tried to find something to distract himself. Since neither of them put a shirt back on and Dean didn’t seem to be uncomfortable with himself being half-naked, Cas figured it had nothing to do with whatever went on upstairs. But to ease himself, he pulled himself together and leaned a little closer to Dean.

“What is bothering your mind?”

Dean jumped as Cas’ calm voice pulled him out of his thoughts. He barely noticed the other boy sat down across him and watched him carefully, looking weirdly comfortable with his legs crossed while sitting on the chair.

_Is that dude meditating or what?_

“Nothing.” Dean’s short grumbling only made Cas more suspicious, his eyes narrowed to a slim line, as he kept on looking at Dean. Cas didn’t believe him, nevertheless, he decided to leave the topic be, but his eyes didn’t move away, only widened back to their normal size.

Dean looked back at Cas, suddenly finding comfort in his eyes, calm and blue like a wide, deep lake. Usually, Dean hated when people looked at him for too long, in fact, he disliked being looked at in general. He knew it was something he couldn’t prohibit and he was okay with it as long as some pretty girl checked him out before getting down to business with him. But aside that, he loathed anyone’s eyes being on him. He felt exposed, inspected. There was no reason someone looked at him, there was nothing to see. He was not someone worth looking at. He wasn’t good looking. He wasn’t freaking Zac Efron or some other handsome dude. He was just himself, his own pathetic self.

But it was different when Cas looked at him. Cas’ eyes didn’t show any detest or scorn, only honest interest, as if he was looking at something special, something in a museum. Dean thought it was ridiculous, but he was okay with it. He felt, he just _knew_ , there was no threat coming from Cas, no laughing, no mocking, nothing but his peace and interest.

The beeping sound coming from the microwave made Cas get up, Dean’s eyes still following him. _Damn stupid perfect good-looking dude_.

As he got the plate out, still pretty hot, Cas had an idea. “How about we eat upstairs?”

Dean nodded as he got up from the chair, as if it was nothing extraordinary, but as Cas led the way upstairs he hardly could hold back a mischievous grin. Naomi _hated_ food anywhere but the kitchen. He disobeyed and there was nothing she could do about it. He felt awesome.

Back in Cas’ room, both climbed back on the bed without a word, sat down comfortable and ate in silence. Dean couldn’t help but to watch Cas eating – once more, the sight was really entertaining. He ate so enthusiastic as if he ate the best dish ever for the first time in his life. But then again, Dean thought, maybe Cas _really_ rarely ate anything unhealthy. Junk food barely went along with fancy wallpapers.

Dean wasn’t sure if Cas didn’t notice his looking or simply didn’t care about it, since it didn’t seem to make him uncomfortable. He was just so calm and natural, it made him seem wise, even with his mouth stuffed with food. In a previous life, Cas surely had been a monk or a priest. To radiate so much serenity and wisdom was unnatural. But maybe, it was destiny that Dean met someone like this.

“Cas?” Dean began slowly, hesitantly, not really knowing if it was a good idea or not. But if he was lucky, Cas didn’t even hear him over his chewing.

“Hum?” Cas looked up and swallowed his bite. Damn.

Dean breathed in deep. Well, he started this, now he got to finish it – and since it was Cas, there was nothing to fear... right?

“My father invited Sam and me to visit him…” Dean started, as he thought about how to explain the whole thing the least complicated way. Cas watched Dean fumbling for words, waiting calmly as he took a much smaller bite this time. His eyes didn’t leave Dean, but there was nothing about his look that told Dean to hurry up – Dean felt like Cas’ eyes (since his mouth was full) told him _Take your time_. Dean thought it was stupid to interpret so much into the way someone looked at him, but still, it seemed true.

“We haven’t seen him for a few months now and Sam isn’t too sad about it… Sam doesn’t miss him. Not at all. They never got along, anyway. Sam refuses to even _think_ about seeing Dad.”

Dean looked at his hands in his lap as he spoke, but as he peaked up his eyes for a second, he saw Cas nodding.

“How about you?”

“What?” Dean's head went up to look at Cas for a response, as if it was written somewhere on his face.

“Do you want to see him?”

“Sure!” Dean answered promptly, but reconsidered his immediate answer quickly. “I mean… it’s Dad. Our father.”

Cas didn’t dare to ask any question, afraid to cross a line to somewhat too private sections of Dean’s life. Dean trusted him, showed him his vulnerable side, he shouldn’t do anything that would make Dean feel like Cas wasn’t worth his trust. So he tried to ask something obvious, only to gain a little more clarity on this truly tricky topic.

“I see… Sam wouldn’t be too happy if you went to see your Dad, right?”

Dean snorted a forced laugh. “He would be pissed off until infinity.”

“Ah.” Cas went to eat the last remaining bite, thinking as he chew.

“Sam and Dad… always had a fucked-up relationship. Always fighting, screaming and whatnot. Sure, Dad never was the amazing parent he could – he _should_ – have been, but well…”

The shaking in Dean’s sigh made Cas look up, look closer. Dean’s stare was blank, surely lost in thoughts of something way back in the past. These eyes must have seen a lot already and it seemed like every little thing passed right before them once again. Cas wondered what Dean’s and as well Sam's life so far must have been like, why someone as smart and rational and so very young like Sam could hold this kind of grudge against someone, especially the own parent. What lead Cas to the next question – where was Dean’s mother? But he decided that asking this would go way too far.

“I think we should go, after all…“ Dean mumbled, as Cas realized something.

“Do you want to _see him_ or fulfill _your duty_ as a son?”

He quickly covered his mouth with both his hands as he realized he spoke out loud what he should have kept for himself. He already prepared for Dean to lash out, but Dean didn’t. This question hit Dean unexpectedly right where it hurt, making him think about what he pushed aside until then. He was too afraid to be honest about it, afraid it might show how much of a despicable being and unworthy son he truly was. But the way Cas looked at him reassured him that at least one person in this world would still tolerate him. Nevertheless, Dean refused to figure out the real answer.

“I don’t know.” That was all Dean could say about this matter – he did not have any clue what he _really_ wanted, besides not pissing anyone off.

“Is there a specific day? Did your father suggest a certain date to your meeting?” Cas didn’t break eye-contact as he asked, not even while he put away the plate on the floor or as he shifted closer to Dean unconsciously.

Dean shook his head. “Sometime next week or the week after. We can choose the day. We only have to call a day earlier. Better two.”

“Okay.” Cas said but the tone in his voice made clear that he didn’t really understand the complicated instructions.

“Ask.”

“What?”

“You don’t get it but you’re too polite to ask, but please, Cas, ask.” Dean smiled at Cas’ expression, confused like a little puppy being outdoors for the first time.

“No, Dean, it’s fine.” Cas was embarrassed to be so easy to read, but he didn’t want to stir up any more turmoil inside Dean. Said one took Cas by the shoulders and tore him down to lie with him.

They shifted and moved, until they were pressed together, laying on their sides, stomach against stomach, Dean tugging his head beneath Cas’ chin. Like this, he felt safe and brave enough to speak, but he didn’t have any eyes watching and piercing through him. With Cas’ arms around him still, he felt protected, a little less exposed, the rhythm of Cas’ steady breath calming him.

“Dad’s locked away. Rehab.”

The first part was out and Dean was happy with himself that it went so easy. He waited for whatever Cas might do before saying any more, but Cas remained still, so Dean continued.

“Bobby – Mr. Singer – made him go. That’s why we live here.”

He felt Cas’ head moving, surely nodding.

“Our Mom died when Sam was a baby. I guess that’s what made Dad snap.”

“I understand – my condolences for your loss.”

“It’s… it’s okay, I guess.”

Cas hugged Dean tighter.

“What’s with your…” Dean quickly became quieter with every word he spoke, realizing he touched a sensitive topic, but Cas didn’t seem to be bothered as he started to speak right away, guessing what Dean's question must be about.

“My mother passed away a couple of years ago. I – we all, actually – rarely saw her. The other day, when I was nine years old, Anna, my brothers and I came home from school and Naomi told us that our mother was... gone.”

“Naomi was around back then?”

Cas laughed, lifeless. “Yes, yes… she was father’s secretary.”

“Oh.” Dean pieced the information together quickly.

Both held on to each other a little tighter, pulled the other a little closer. The warmth of Cas’ skin felt good as Dean ran his lips along Cas’ neck, placing kisses and inhaling the scent of sweat, after-shave and warm skin.

“How are your brothers?” Dean mumbled between kisses. He heard about some more Miltons running around, but he had no idea how to picture them and since Cas and Anna were like salt and sugar, he had no idea what to expect.

Cas chuckled as he patted Dean’s shoulder. “You’d rather not know!”

“They can’t be so bad.”

“They’re horrible.”

“Don’t believe it.”

Cas sighed loudly. “Balthazar is permanently drunk, Gabriel is always playing awful pranks on me and Anna and Michael does everything to make sure to get the best paid job at our father’s company.”

“Wait – wait – are they the bible-brothers or what?” Dean recognized all of the names as somewhat related to the bible, even though he wasn't that much educated in religion.

“Why only them? _Castiel_ is an angel.” Cas sounded seriously offended. “And Anna comes from _Anael_ , another angel. But mother preferred to name her simply Anna.”

“Didn’t think your family is so religious.”

"You have no idea."

 

They spent a long while laying like this, motionless, just listening to the other one breathing, as Dean had enough. He started pressing his lips against Cas's neck again, Cas rubbed his hands along Dean's back in response. Their mouths found each other again for slow, intense kisses. The mix of inner peace, light sleepiness and the hotness of their mouths perfoming was a pleasure. Dean climbed on top of Cas, his legs slipping between Cas'. Their hips went back to their previous motion, moving in sync, but much slower, yet thrusted harder against each other. They didn't think much about whatever they did, they only enjoyed - stopping was impossible anyway, since the pleasure was growing harder and bigger, almost overpowering every other thought in their minds.

But a loud shouting coming out of the blue made the little cloud they drifted on come crashing down.

"Castiel? I'm home!"

Both boys sat up immediately, both in pure shock in which they did nothing but to stare at each other, hoping, the other one might have a brilliant idea of what to do.

"The shirts!" Dean hissed suddenly, as he leaned over to reach towards the ground to grab their shirts. He threw Cas' shirt to the bedazzled owner and put on his own.

"Suit up, man!" Dean's command and Anna's approaching footsteps made Cas come back to his senses. He jumped off the bed and struggled with the shirt as he pulled it over his head, while stumbling towards the door. He opened it abruptly and stared straight into his sister's face, as she was about to knock.

"Hello, Anna." He tried his best to be as normal as possible, but damn, he noticed himself that he couldn't fool her, not with his voice being so shrieking with nervousness and his smile being too wide to be casual.

"Hi, Castiel..." Anna curled her forehead as she eyed her older brother, "...and hello to you, Dean." She leaned past Cas and waved at Dean, who sat innocently smiling on Cas' bed, waving back.

"Well done, brother." She whispered with a wink as she turned on her heels, heading towrads her room.

"Wha-?" Cas asked, but Anna didn't hear him, as she already slammed her bedroom-door shut.

“Jesus, that was close!” Dean sighed.

Cas turned away from the door and found himself staring straight into Dean’s eyes. He didn’t notice Dean came up to him, as he had already wrapped his arms around Cas’ hips.

“You look much more inviting without that big-ass beige nightmare of a cloth.” Dean whispered, making Cas shiver in his embrace.

“I – I don’t intend to be… inviting.”

Dean pouted his bottom lip as he shrugged, leaning in for another long kiss.

* * *

 

“So, how was the movie?”

A familiar voice chirped happily behind Cas, just as he closed the door after telling Dean goodnight and waving him as he watched the black Impala leaving their driveway.

“What – _oh_.” As Cas turned around he realized, Dean and him had completely forgotten about the DVDs they wanted to watch, the reason Dean came over at all. Anna leaned against the banister, smiling knowingly but Cas didn’t want his sister to win, so he decided to play – how do they call it? – cool. “It was, uhm, good.”

Yeah?” Anna asked as Cas passed her by, going upstairs.

“Yes, yes, a lot of suspense and plot-twists.” He lied, simply assuming this simple statement might apply to the movie that his sister hopefully hasn’t seen, yet, too.

“Mhm. Who did you like most?” Anna asked, as she followed Cas upstairs.

“Luke.” He replied promptly, happy to remember the conversation with Garth in the hallway.

“Really?” The surprised disbelief coming from behind him made Cas shudder – did he say something wrong? Was this a stupid choice?

“Anyway, brother dearest… your shirt is inside out.” The nonchalant remark startled Cas, as he quickly checked his shirt, looking at the hem, but only to realize the seams are on the side they’re supposed to be.

“This is not funny, Anna.” Cas grunted in his lowest voice, as he pressed down the door handle.

Anna laughed through the creak of her almost closed door. “I think it was hilarious.”

* * *

 

Dean swallowed hard, he still felt like his lips were being kissed, his heart still raced completely out of rhythm and something still sat uncomfortably in his pants.

 _This is nuts_ , he thought, _absolutely insanely nuts_.

He clung onto the steering wheel, trying to find something stable to gather back some security.

This damn city should be a new start into a better life and once again he felt like he had to leave this place – not necessarily because someone forced him to like usual, but simply because he felt he couldn’t stay there any longer. Nothing felt like it should, nothing worked out the way he planned it out. He wanted to feel nothing, nothing but safety. He wanted to make sure Sammy makes his way through high school, he wanted to worry about nothing but what was there for dinner, he wanted to have nothing but fun, fun with folks to hang out and fun with girls to bang without any feelings attached.

So why, why the hell did he do the fucking whatever-thing with Cas? How could that happen? The last time Dean checked, and damn, he _did_ check, Cas had no boobs, so why the hell was Dean so all over him? Not just that he accepted Cas’ touches and kisses, _no_ , he initiated most of this crap – again. After the previous two incidents he should have known better, but well, he acted despite better knowledge, not the first time in his pathetic existence, by the way. This dry-banging with Cas was nothing he was looking for. And what infernal dumbshit possessed him that he actually spilled his guts onto Cas’ bare chest? Dean stepped a little harder than he should on the gas pedal, risking a speeding ticket if someone caught him, but he couldn’t care less – the danger pumping adrenalin through his veins was a pleasant change to this self-loathing nagging at his sanity.

* * *

 

With his coat wrapped tighter than usually around him, Cas rushed through the school building straight to the History class room. He didn’t move his head, but his eyes scanned the whole environment in careful paranoia. He dreaded, but god knows he also wished to come across a certain someone.

But Dean was nowhere in sight. He wasn’t sure if he should be relieved or worried that Dean wasn’t anywhere, but as soon as he crossed the class room’s threshold, he sucked in a breath and stood still.

Dean was already there – flirting with Casey, one of the girls he used to hang out with before, well, before…

“Ouch, too bad, Prince Charming. Green Eyes found a new friend, huh?” Cas felt a breath against his earlobe, he leaned away as far as possible without making it too obvious.

“His name is Dean and he can be friends with whomever he likes. Besides, I am not of any royal descent, so please keep those implications for yourself, Meg.”

Said Meg ran a hand though her dark curls as she raised an eyebrow. “Hm, grumpy mood today?” Without replying, Cas made a step forwards, up to the back row. He simply had no will to put up with her. He heard her heels clacking behind him, but the sound quickly stopped - gladly, she wasn't following him any further. As he passed Dean by, he held his breath and watched his reaction from the corner of his eyes.

Dean barely noticed Cas, he was too busy talking with Casey, a really pretty and feminine girl, Cas had to admit. The only greeting they exchanged was a barely noticeable nod as Cas passed Dean's table, whose attention quickly was drawn back to Casey, as she laid her hands on top of Dean's. Of course Dean was captivated by someone like her - she was "one hell of a lady", Cas remembered the wording being used to describe her type of women. Nothing Cas could ever be, and he didn't even wanted to. He was a boy, a _man_ and comfortable with it - he could never offer what Casey had.

Cas felt like everyone could see (if they would look at him) right into the deepest depth of his core. He felt vulnerable and despite three layers of clothes, exposed like he was bare-naked. Maybe it was a bad idea to allow Dean to take off his shirt. It was the first time he ever got so close and so private with someone and to that someone, it didn’t even mean anything.

Obviously.

From his seat, Cas could see clearly that Dean held Casey’s hand tightly.

 _Alright_.

This was the confirmation Cas needed. Whatever happened the day before, it was nothing that mattered any more.

Dean seemed to have forgotten everything that had Cas kept awake that night, when he had pondered whether or not the happenings had been real or just a reverie resulting from his lately unusual unorganized mind. The events had passed before his eyes all over again, making him too uneasy and overwhelmed with everything to sleep, so he had been using the time to evaluate.

He had figured that "it" couldn’t have been completely meaningless, since he felt Dean’s breathing had gotten heavier and his heart paced up dangerously during the time they had been involved in exchanging caresses. Dean’s body had been responding. This was impossible to fake, Castiel knew – body language was fool proof, this was the first and most reliable rule of communication he once had stated and saw being proved countless times.

But well, this time he must have come across one of the rules’ exceptions. Dean didn’t seem to value their time together and Cas decided to handle the situation like this as well. It had been nothing, nothing but Dean’s usual careless, promiscuous behavior, maybe with some added curiosity this time, because Cas was sure Dean was only interested in women. As Cas noticed that Casey and Dean started exchanging naughty looks and even tiny paper notes, he turned away, trying to catch up with whatever had appeared on the blackboard in the meantime. He avoided Meg’s looks, who sat not too far away from Dean and always turned around, peaking in Cas' direction, to figure out how to catch his attention. He noticed her, but he couldn’t care less about her trying to contact him, he was more than thankful she chose to stay away from him and sat with her friends instead – he wasn’t in the mood for anything. The only thing he would have liked to do was flipping his stupid table over and chop it into a pile of wood chips. He had no clue what this might be good for – except calming the turmoil inside him down for a little.

Yes, smashing his fist into something with his full force sounded like a sweet idea.

* * *

 

“He-hey, Dean, calm down!” With a chuckle, but also with a firm hand, Casey pushed Dean’s hand down. They had agreed to meet each other in one of the empty class rooms during lunch break and they were already pretty much busy with each other. They used the teacher’s desk as a blockade to avoid someone opening up the door and interrupting them – neither was interested in getting any more trouble.

He respected and obeyed Casey’s wish and put his hands somewhere else more downwards, but only unwilling. He wanted to taste and feel everything of her, everything that he didn’t have for a while and especially what he didn’t have… with Cas.

He was still freaking out because of Cas.

He was panicking.

He could barely sleep.

He was doubting, overthinking and surely overreacting.

Foremost and most certainly he was simply angry. Really angry. At himself for doing this, at Cas for simply going along with it and at himself again for making such a fuzz out of it.

Now he was with Casey, and didn’t it feel the same? Didn’t it feel better?

It wasn’t the same, that was safe to be said, but most certainly, it wasn’t really better. Not at all. It felt rushed and forced. Shouldn't he feel a shower of pleasure running down his spine or something by now? Why did it take so long for the good feelings to kick in?

Sure, it was indeed a rushed thing, but this applied to all of his previous encounters. They were all unplanned, rushed and fast, so this was all going normal, completely normal. He was back to the ordinary again, well, to the Dean Winchester-definition of "ordinary".

Cas was his best friend and their half-naked grinding had been nothing but some curiosity gone wrong. He might or might not have fucked it up completely with him, but he would see, this was something for another day. For now, they should both stay away from each other for a while to calm down and see clear again. He didn’t want to corrupt Cas any more than he already did. Since there was no greeting card for their situation, he decided that this was the best way to handle this. Otherwise, Cas might interpret the whole thing wrong, get too attached to Dean and even fall in love with him – no, no, Dean wasn’t having any of this shit.

Now he was about to prove himself that this was the whole and complete truth, as leaned down to kiss Casey once again

* * *

 

Something surely was absolutely _not_ right that day, Sam had already figured out during breakfast as he watched his brother behaving unnaturally happy. This acted playfulness paired up with giant, dark bags beneath Dean’s eyes made Sam cringe. He used to be proud of his brother who seemed to become more real and honest to himself since he was friends with Castiel. They surely were an odd couple, but it had been a long time since he saw the _real_ Dean for the last time, so Sam was glad about their friendship. There was no faked smiling, no pretended bad-boy behavior, there was just Dean. So what made him fall back into his old pattern again?

The moment he saw Castiel, or _Cas_ as he got used to call him lately, sitting not at his usual spot at their big table, but again beneath the tree far, far away from anyone just like he used to do when Sam first met him, something dawned on him.

Dean and Cas must have had a fallout, or something similar.

The fact that Dean was nowhere to be found only seemed to confirm Sam’s suspicions.

“Did the dream team break-up or what?” Ash asked after a while, since everyone else seemed to avoid the elephant in the room… well, at the table.

“Seems so.” Kevin shrugged as he looked over to Cas, who was just done eating and crumbled up the wrapping paper. He tossed it in the nearest trash bin and of course, he hit it precisely.

“Wow… this almost looked like he smashed your bro into that bin”, Ash laughed dryly, the others nodding in agreement.

“Did something happen?” Kevin almost whispered, leaned across the table into Sam’s direction, but Sam shrugged. “I can only guess so myself. I have no idea. But I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“Maybe it’s Castiel’s fault!” Jo slammed her palm on to the table, jumping along with everyone else, being surprised herself about her sudden defense. “I mean… it’s a possibility”, she added quickly with a lower voice.

“Why don’t we ask him?” Garth was about to get up, as Ash grabbed his belt loop and pulled him back.

“Don’t you dare!” Ash hissed. “In which universe is this a good idea?”

“Oh…” Garth slowly understood what kind of avalanche he was about to unleash.

After a moment, when everyone calmed down a little, they dared to peak into Cas’ direction again. Just in this moment, Cas looked up, straight at them, making them turn away again in unison.

“Did he see us?” Kevin asked, a little fear shaking in his voice.

Sam shook his head. “I don’t think so.” Beneath the table, he clenched his fist.

It was only for a short moment, but he saw the look in Cas’ eyes. He had no idea what it meant, but it was not the Cas he got to know.

* * *

 

“Hey tiger, how was your day?” Dean asked as Sam sat down on the passenger’s seat. The forced smile and exaggerated joy in his older brother’s voice made Sam wanting to punch him straight into his face, but he decided to remain cool and diplomatic.

“Not as good as yours, huh?” To emphasize the accusing tone in his voice, Sam pressed his lips together and raised both his eyebrows, or as Dean would say: his bitchface was in full mode.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.” Dean forced his smile until it hurt, telling his face to react to the memories of the happenings during lunch. He let those moments pass before his eyes so he would not forget that he should feel awesome about it. He had been thinking hard and long of Casey all day, he thought of her marvelous body and her deep brown eyes, she was the school’s hottest cheerleader, and she had been all his, at least for almost an hour. Didn’t he feel great about it? Shouldn’t it be enough for him to feel better again? Shouldn’t it feel like a little more than just a cheap antidote?

Again and again Dean told himself he just needed to let the memories sink in. Soon he would realize how good it actually had been. He surely had been too excited to cherish it when it happened. The intermezzo with Cas would soon be overpowered by Casey, he was simply still a little confused about it, that was all – that was also the explanation why he had let some “ _Cas_ ” slip out. Those names were simply too alike.

“Pff, whatever. Spare me the details, I don’t wanna know.” Sam shivered at the thought of the slightest possibilities of what might have taken place. “But whatever happened with Cas, you should fix it.” That being said, Sam leaned back in his seat and turned away to look out of the passenger’s window, scanning his view for Jo, the only one left until they could leave – he acted a little bossy on purpose. His brother didn’t deserve it any better.

The mention of Cas’ name went like an electro shock through Dean's whole body and made him jump in his seat. He felt caught though he knew, Sam couldn’t know anything… unless…

“What did he say to you?” Dean felt the shock quickly turning to rage, as he grabbed his brother’s arm to make him look at him again. “What the fucking hell did he tell you?”

Sam narrowed his eyes, as he pulled his arm away again. Dean was rougher than necessary. “He told me nothing, seems like he didn’t talk at all today. But he didn’t need to say anything. It was clear enough anyway.”

Dean pulled his arm back, wondering what Sam was talking about. ”What do you mean?”

“Didn't you see him today?”

Dean touched his chin as if he was stroking a non-existing beard. “Uh, I did, once, or twice… Don’t know. But what’s the matter with that?”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Really, Dean, _really_? You have been inseparable for weeks now, like an old-married couple and the day right after you meet each other after school in ages, you two don’t even talk to each other? Sorry, what else am I supposed to think besides you fought?”

“We didn’t fight,” Dean rubbed his temples, trying his best to keep calm and hold back memories of the day before, “- it’s just… we need… _space_.” He crossed his arms over his chest, trying to look a little more confident than he actually felt.

“You need… _space_.” Sam repeated in disbelief of what he just heard. He creased his eyebrow as he laughed, as if he heard the world’s worst joke. “I’m not buying that crap.”

“Then don’t.” Dean threw his hands up in a dramatically manner, his palms clasping onto his thighs. Sam was especially exhausting that day.

“Dean, seriously, what’s wrong?”

“I have done nothing wrong!” Dean clenched his jaw, trying to keep his voice from getting too loud.

“So, where were you during lunch? And why was Cas all alone, with the look of a serial killer on his face? Seriously? Wha-“

“Cas, Cas, Cas! All I can hear is Cas here, Cas there. What’s up with that son of a bitch? Are you in love with him or what?” His sudden outburst made both Winchesters stare at each other in silence, both dumbfounded at Dean’s overreaction. “Sorry,” Dean muttered, feeling so pathetic for lashing out, but Sam was the one being angry now.

“I simply care about people, especially when they’re good people! And Cas is a good one. And you know it best.” Sam’s voice wasn’t as loud as his own right before, but these words surely stung right through Dean. He knew Sam was right and he wished he could explain _why_ his behavior wasn’t as disgusting as it seemed like – but Dean couldn’t, he just couldn’t explain it. There were no words that could be put into half-decent sentences that would somewhat describe this freaky dynamic that happened between them and that only seemed to be stoppable by staying away from each other.

“God, guys, I’m so sorry! Amelia just couldn’t stop talking!” Jo hardly caught her breath as she fastened her seatbelt quickly. She basically stumbled into the back of the Impala, it seemed like she ran the whole way from her class room down to the parking lot.

“No problem, precious!” Dean winked as he watched the blonde through the rear mirror, making sure she was safe until he drove off. No one else should get hurt that day.

* * *

 

The sun was setting down and everywhere around them in the high grass, crickets chirped in a steady, calming buzz.

After staying indoors the whole day due to dreadful homework, being outside felt wonderful. After their dispute earlier Dean suggested a little car-trip to one of the wide open fields where he and Sam used to play as a kind of a peace offer. The brothers were both hot-blodded and pretty good at fighting, but they were even better at making peace with each other again right after. They sat on the Impala’s hood and watched the sunset, not saying a word, as Dean’s mind was busy organizing all the things that bothered him in order to find a way to start a decent, functionating conversation. But Dean couldn’t decide with which topic he should start with, Cas or John?

“Will you go to see Dad?” Sam’s question broke the silence and made the decision of what they’d discuss first.

This question caught Dean off-guard, despite all his previous contemplating. He shrugged, still not quite sure what to do or to say. “Don’t know… I guess, well, yeah. When you’re okay with it, of course.” He added the last sentence quickly, to make sure Sam wouldn’t be pissed at him again. But the younger brother just shook his head, letting out an exhausted sigh. “Of course I’m okay with it as long as you really want to. Just don’t do it simply because you feel like Dad commanded it. You don't have to obey whenever he snaps his fingers.”

Dean couldn’t repress a little laugh, earning a suspicious look from Sam for it. “What’s so funny about that?” Sam felt mocked.

“Nothing. It’s just, Cas basically said the same.”

Sam turned to his brother, gaping at him wide-eyed. “You talked to Cas about it?”

Suddenly, Dean felt like he made a huge mistake. “Yeah, well, we kinda… stumbled on that topic… and…”

“ _You_ asked for advice?” Sam couldn’t shut his mouth as he asked that question, a smile slowly showing up on his face.

“Well, not exactly, I didn’t really get an answer. But I didn’t tell him much about it, I swear. Only basic information, don’t worry!” Dean held up his hands in defense, but Sam patted Dean's thighs, laughing.

“Good god, my brother confiding in someone for advice. That’s adorable!”

He was relieved to realize his brother had no problem with sharing some details of their past with Cas, but still, laughing at him was not cool.

“Shut up, bitch. I’m serious.” To make Sam stop laughing, Dean tried to punch him, but Sam leaned away quick enough not to be hit.

“I am taking you serious, jerk. What’s Cas' opinion on that matter?”

“So you’re okay with him knowing?”

“Why not? He’s good. If there’s someone out there to confide in, then it’s Cas.”

Dean nodded, suddenly feeling a warmth spreading inside. “He basically said what you just did. I should do what feels right, not what feels like duty.”

“So you’ll go?”

Dean nodded. “Yeah, guess so. You coming with me?”

Sam turned away, his eyes focused on the last sunbeams of the day that quickly disappeared beyond the horizon. “Not sure yet.”

“It’s okay.” Dean breathed in deep and pulled himself together, scraping up all his courage to ask what still had been bothering him. “Sammy… how was Cas today?”

Sam shook his head and stared straight into his brother’s eyes, a look both sad and angry. “Just the way he was before he hung out with us. Alone. Distant. But now spiced-up with tension and anger.”

Dean tried to picture the sight and it hurt, it hurt damn much. Cas didn’t deserve being screwed over and Dean just did, as he would always do. Cas deserved a better friend that Dean could ever be – he tried and failed and now he had no clue what to do.

“Whatever happened… make peace with Cas again.”

Dean grunted. “Don’t tell me what to do.”

But he couldn't deny that Sam was right.

Nevertheless, it wasn’t easy, especially not this time. He didn’t want Cas to be alone or hurt, he wanted him around, but he knew, he wasn’t good enough to be friends with Cas. He was shitless scared of seeing Cas again, anyway. He never saw Cas being angry, he couldn’t even imagine him being genuinely furious since that dude seemed to consist of peace, messy hair and damn, those muscles… what made Dean remember the biggest of all issues – every time they were together, they behaved like horny teenagers. Every time, they went a step further and every time, they lost a little more control and good sense. Dean dreaded what might happen if they would happen to be alone some time again. But damn, Cas deserved an explanation for Dean’s behavior, maybe it will calm him down enough to stay friends – at least with maybe Sam, Kevin, Ash, anyone, as long as Cas wasn't alone. Dean didn't want to be the reason if Cas never made an effort of trying to make friends ever again.

 

Back home, Dean felt somewhat better. The Daddy-issue was almost no longer an issue, the only one having something left to decide was Sam. He hoped for a sign, an epiphany that could give him an advice on how to approach Cas. He was sure, he shouldn’t expect the other one making any move. But what was he supposed to do?

* * *

 

“Anna! Castiel! Come down!” The siblings rolled their eyes at each other as they left their rooms to meet the one who must have returned home just in that moment.

“Those were good twenty-six hours,” Anna hissed at her brother, who hummed in agreement. Neither of them looked forward to Naomi coming back home.

“Your father told me to say hello to you in his name. He hopes you’re both doing well, I told him you’re alright, trying your best. He doesn’t need to know about any mishaps.” Naomi didn’t look at them while she was talking, too busy with taking off her jacket and scarf. She grabbed the suitcase’s handle and dragged it along with her, before she came to stop right in front of Anna and Cas. She eyed them both up and down, as if she inspected their appearance even though both wore nothing but some lazy home-clothes, before she pushed the handle into Anna’s hand. “Bring it up to my room, dear.” Naomi’s smile was fake, as was Anna’s smile in return. With a loud grunt, Anna dragged the suitcase upstairs and Cas was about to help her since it was obviously too heavy for his sister, as Naomi held on to his arm and pulled him away.

He gulped, wondering what he might have done wrong – there was no way she knew about Dean coming over, right?

“Castiel, I’m glad you came back to your senses again. Cutting this boy out of your life before he could cause any serious trouble was wiser than I expected. Well done.” She cupped his cheek with her cold hand, making Cas shiver beneath her touch. She already knew about him being alone that day, it was ridiculous. He pressed his lips together to hold back his anger about being praised for being alone and bitter. But he preferred this horrible facsimile of tenderness to any of her rough outbursts. All he wanted was to make it through his life without any trouble. Seemed like it was possible… without Dean. Even thinking of this name stung right through Cas like a firm fist into his guts.

Maybe this was the sign he needed to make a decision: he decided to stay away from Dean before he didn’t know how to back out again any more.

 

Cas was more than glad as Naomi let go of him and he ran back to his room, closing the door with a sigh of relief. Too bad she was around this much, it was too good when she was gone.

As he mulled over what to do for the remaining day, his eyes went over to his bed. He felt his heart sink, heavy with melancholia, as the memories of what happened there, just the day before, came back to haunt his mind.

He shook his head as if it would make the thoughts vanish, while he turned over to switch on the TV. He picked up the remote, his eyes landing on what was beneath it – Dean’s DVDs.

Cas pressed his lips together as he breathed out through his nose, his knuckles turning white as he clasped the remote a little too tight. It seemed there was no way _not_ to come across Dean, even in his own room. Cas took the DVD box and walked over to his desk, he kneeled down to his bag and shoved the box inside. He had no idea if he should watch the movies before he returns them or not, but for now, he just wanted them to be out of sight.

As he climbed on top his bed and shook his pillows, he could smell it again – Dean’s deodorant. Dean always used a little too much of it, maybe he was afraid to smell unpleasant, maybe it wasn’t intentionally, but however, the smell lingered on the pillows and the blanket, all night through, as Cas had been busy processing the happenings of that day, what had made him even more excited and too awake to sleep. And still, it didn’t seem to fade any time soon. Sure, he could change the pillow cases, but it would make Naomi suspicious if he broke the usual rhythm. So he had to deal with it, if he liked it or not and after punching the pillows a little firmer, he got comfortable with them anyway.

Some shallow entertainment shows kept his mind busy for some time, until his phone, which he had tossed earlier onto the nightstand, buzzed. Without thinking much about it, he reached out to get it, sure the battery must be empty and he was already about to go and get the charger, as he glanced at the screen.

He got a text.

A text from _Dean_.

His thumb hovered over the middle-button, but he couldn’t get himself to press it down to open the message. He breathed heavily, trying hard to calm himself down. He pressed his eyes shut and tossed the phone away, in a puny motion that made the phone land near his feet.

Cas felt his hands shaking as he pressed them against his face to cover his eyes. Slowly, he leaned forward, until his elbows bumped on his thighs.

He stayed in this position for only God knows how long, feeling the phone buzz against his feet again and again, countless times. But Cas didn’t feel like answering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I ended the chapter like that, hopefully you enjoyed it anyway! Maaaaybe, the next update will be... happier?! :)


	9. Clarity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello & welcome back!   
> I hope this new chapter makes up for last week's pain, somehow? :'D  
> Thank you for keeping on reading this fic, it means the world to me :) I hope I still manage to keep you entertained and no matter what you think about this story, let me know :)  
> Have fun with the chapter!

He wished that he could fall asleep easily like he always did. He wanted his hands to finally stop shaking. He begged his heart to slow down and his mind to calm – but it was in vain.

Cas didn’t get some resting sleep that night.

His phone hadn’t stopped buzzing until 1:45 a.m., he knew exactly because he looked up at the digital alarm clock on his nightstand every time he heard a buzz coming from the floor beside his bed. Sure, he simply could have switched off the phone or put it in a drawer, a bag or a closet overnight since he had gotten up anyway during the evening to shut the light and draw the curtains.

But he couldn’t.

He couldn’t bring himself to touch the phone any longer than necessary, or even to look at it, so he just took it with his eyes closed and dropped it carefully to the floor. He felt horribly rude for not answering, but he knew, he just _knew_ who it was. He couldn’t deny a little curiosity, though. He thought carefully, but he had not the slightest idea of what Dean wanted from him anyway, especially at night. But Cas dreaded the surely somewhat unpleasant truth and since he decided to cut Dean out of his life again, ignoring was the only option, at least for now.

After the first short buzz, there were several longer ones – Dean must have tried to call him. After a while, Cas noticed a pattern of numerous longer buzzes interrupted by one or two shorter ones, it seemed like Dean switched between calling and messaging. But Cas didn’t feel pestered by the number of incoming messages and calls, no, he admired Dean’s persistence. Most people would have given up by now. But it wasn’t the time to praise Dean.

 

Cas didn’t notice he dozed off as the annoying beeping of his alarm clock woke him up. It took him several attempts to press the button on the alarm clock to make the awful noise stop, Cas just didn’t have enough power in his tired fingers to press firmly enough. He rubbed his eyes as he got up, feeling like he was moving in slow motion, decelerated by fatigue and listlessness. As he set his feet on the floor, he touched something with his toes, wondering what it was. Without thinking too much what he was doing, he reached out to get it – his phone. Only as he lit up the screen and saw what was on there, he remembered, he remembered why the phone laid on the floor and what it had been that kept him too awake to fall asleep.

He felt a lump in his throat as he swallowed hard, one hand pressed against his forehead, as he read what he avoided all night.

**13 unread messages**

**29 missed calls**

Those were huge numbers and an awful lot of effort that Dean must have put into contacting Cas.

Suddenly, he wasn’t that sure anymore if it would be such a good idea to erase Dean from his life again. No matter what had happened during the last two days, they were friends and Dean surely would be hurt. Cas’ life would be easier without Dean, but would it be good?

But no, no, it wasn’t the time to contemplate life choices. He had to get ready for school.

* * *

 

“ ‘Morning. Did you get things sorted out with Cas?” Sam sat down at the table and poured milk in his bowl, while he looked at Dean. The smile on his face quickly turned into a frown as he noticed the tired expression on his brother’s face. “Dean, what happened?”

Dean shrugged, as he tried to smile, exhausted and sad. “Nothing.”

As he looked up at his younger brother, Dean saw another glorious return of the bitchface. “Nothing, yeah?”

“Yeah, nothing”, Dean replied emphatic. “Stupid son of a bitch didn’t answer his phone.”

“Did you really _try_?” Sam raised an eyebrow as he put a spoonful of cornflakes up to his mouth. He still wasn’t sure if Dean was serious with his attempt of making peace with Cas again.

Dean rolled his eyes and clenched his fist beneath the table. “I called him more than fifteen times and sent some texts. Dude was asleep or simply pouting, the hell do I know what was wrong with him.” He knew his answer was an understatement, he remembered very well deciding against calling any more, he didn’t want to be a pathetic loser who called someone thirty times in a row.

“Oh… alright.” Sam was positively surprised that his brother really was serious about it. Dean must be so tired because he stayed awake for Cas, not because of something silly… Sam felt bad about thinking like this about him. “You’re okay?” He nudged Dean’s arm, who just took a giant sip from his coffee; the older one nodded. As he put down his mug, still not feeling any of the waking effects caffeine should have, he looked into Sam’s eyes. “Do you think he’s okay?”

For a blink of an eye Sam was bewildered by that question, but he smiled. “Yeah, yeah, I think he is.”

Sam knew that Dean worried about Cas, and even though he hadn’t the slightest idea if it was true what he simply assumed, he felt like his brother needed to be cheered up. Dean tried to smile, but it was nothing more than a twitch of his lips. He wished that his brother was right. He could live with the fact that Cas was fed up and simply ignoring him – but if something happened to Cas… Dean would blame himself for the rest of his damned life. Before they left to go to school, Dean checked his phone once more, only to stare for what felt like the billionth time at the blank screen. Fuck that.

 

As their ways parted, Sam whispered _Good luck_ into Dean’s direction before he went over to enter another building, but Dean only laughed at Sam’s words.

_I don’t need luck. I need a fucking miracle._

Dean didn’t really have a plan of what he was going to do the moment he hopefully saw Cas again, he hadn’t even had a plan the night before when he texted and called Cas like some possessive ex-girlfriend. He just wanted to speak to him, to make sure he was okay and damn, he didn’t want Cas to feel any kind of bad. He just wanted to make sure Cas was okay.

He saw Cas’ and not Anna’s car in the parking lot, so Dean hurried up. The earlier he found him, the better.

And there, up in the class room, Cas sat in the back row, staring out of the window. Dean barely noticed how big his smile grew as he pushed some people in his way aside, he couldn’t care less if he was polite or not – he needed to get through to Cas.

“Hey buddy!” The loud greeting made Cas turn around, he didn’t notice Dean coming up.

Cas rolled his eyes. He knew Dean was coming to school and would cross his way there sooner or later, but he wasn’t ready for it, he simply didn’t want it. He turned back at the window again, trying to focus on something outside to make his lack of interest in a conversation clear.

Receiving nothing but a cold shoulder made Dean’s heart sink, but it’s not that he didn’t expect this as a possible scenario. He wasn’t about to give up this fast and aimed at the seat next to Cas to sit down, as he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Good morning, Dean”, a familiar voice whispered, sending shivers down his spine.

“Good morning to you as well, Cas… Casey.” Dean cleared his throat. This was bad now and Dean was asking himself how to get rid of Casey, as he saw Cas looking at them and this look hit Dean hard and unexpected.

He never saw this kind of look on Cas’ face ever before. It wasn’t content, not calm and surely not understanding.

It was angry, strained and cold.

This boy over there looked nothing like Cas, as he stared bleary-eyed at Dean and Casey, while he chewed on his pencil. Since when did Cas have this kind of weird manners? Dean saw white teeth being rammed into the writing utensil with force – that was enough, enough for Dean to forget about Casey next to him and rush over to Cas instead.

“If you’re so hungry, you gotta eat something that won’t break your teeth, bud,” Dean grunted as he sat down next to Cas. The whatever it was between them seemed to be much more complicated than he assumed… but damn, Cas had some damn good reason to behave like a brat.

Dean pulled his chair a little closer to Cas, since said one didn’t seem to be about to join their conversation.

Cas stopped to chew on his pencil after Dean’s remark, only to fumble with it, as he turned demonstratively towards the window. Dean sighed. He understood Cas, he really did and he knew, he deserved this, but this wasn’t Cas – and that needed be fixed.

Dean rubbed the back of his nose as he pulled himself together to get through to Cas – calmness was the key.

“Cas… look at me.” Dean was surprised how low and calm his voice could be, well, he saved that information for future reference. He waited but realized quickly Cas wasn’t about to answer. “Cas…” Dean reached for Cas’ arm, he barely touched it as it quickly pulled away.

“It’s okay, Dean. Just… leave me be.” Cas turned his head slightly, still avoiding to look at Dean as he spoke calmly, but Dean heard the trembling in Cas’ voice. But what hurt more than the suppressed emotions were the actual words. Cas pushed Dean aside.

No, Dean was to ignore this, he had to fix whatever was still possible to fix, even if it was just Cas’ faith in humanity.

“Cas, see… I tried to call you all night…”

“I noticed.”

Dean swallowed down a wave of growing frustration. It wouldn’t get him far anyway, so he might as well simply ignore it. “I just wanted to make sure you’re alright.”

“I am alright, Dean.” Cas turned to face the blackboard. The class had started.

Dean breathed out loudly as he got out his note pad and pencil case – he might try to focus on the learning material. Cas was never one for talking during class, anyway.

 

Dean couldn’t keep himself from watching Cas from the corner of his eye again and again. Even though he watched Casey, read what had been written on the blackboard, scribbled down serious notes and meaningless doodles and looked at the teacher who strolled through the rows as he spoke about things Dean really didn’t give a crap about - no matter what Dean looked at, his eyes always wandered back to Cas, Cas who simply sat there, boiling inside like a pot of water on the oven with the lid still on. He knew, he had to do something before the fuzzy bed-head beside him boiled over - and that, Dean was sure, would end up in a mess.

The bell rang, a sound of sweet though short freedom. Cas didn’t hurry to pack up his things, hoping Dean would be faster out than himself. But a quick glance to his right revealed that his assumptions were wrong. Dean might have been faster with packing up, but dear goodness, he didn’t move. He just sat there, his backpack in his lap, and _didn’t move_. He must be waiting for Cas.

Well, that was awkward. Cas was sure, the moment he got up, Dean would follow him and if he would _not_ get up, Dean would keep waiting. But he saw Casey approaching – what an ironic kind of blessing.

“Hey Dean, you got time now?” Casey knew how to wrap Dean around her fingers as she leaned down on his desk, looking him straight into the eyes as she licked her lips. Dean fumbled for words as he tried not to look at her cleavage, that presented itself on eyelevel since she leaned so deep down in front of him, supported with her elbows.

“Uhm, yeah, think so, a second… or two?” He managed to get out, his eyes finally completely away from Cas, who only waited for this opportunity. He made sure he didn’t make any more noise than inevitable as he slid back in his chair and tiptoed away behind Dean. He risked a glance at Casey, who didn’t really notice he escaped – she had never noticed him before.

“So, what you’re up to today?” Dean was about to answer Casey’s question since he pretty well understood what she implied, but he choked on his words as he saw a trench coat swaying by. “Sorry, Cas- Casey…,” Dean mumbled as he pushed his chair back with a loud creaking noise and swung his backpack over his shoulder. After two, three big steps, that were basically more like leaps, he caught up Cas.

With a firm grip on the shoulder, he made Cas stop, before he crossed the class rooms threshold. “Wait up a minute, buddy.”

Cas breathed out sharply through his nose as he turned around and stepped aside, making room for those who actually weren’t held back to leave the room.

“What?”

Dean couldn’t deny the little shiver that went down his spine as he heard Cas’ voice being so much lower and rougher than usual.

“I just-“

“You are grinding on my gears by now, Dean.” Cas tried to keep his voice low, though they were the last two in the class room. He didn’t want to risk anyone hear them.

“I know, damn, I know, but see, I don’t want you to be this damn… angry.” Dean motioned his hands up and down into Cas’ direction, who rolled his eyes with a loud groan.

“Excuse me for making you feel bad about yourself.” That being sad, Cas turned on his heels and left in hurried steps.

Dean made a step forwards, but stood still as the words slowly sunk in.

“Fuck…”

He grunted as he punched the wall, his hand hurting like hell and still not hurting enough to distract him. A sting went through him, the piercing sensation spreading through his whole body, causing his legs to shake and his eyes to burn.

“Fuck you, fucker.”

* * *

 

Geography had been almost half over and Dean still didn’t show up.

Cas told himself not to care, he told himself that Dean surely was “busy”, but the fact that Casey was in class, made him doubt that theory.

Had he been too impolite? Should he have heard Dean out?

Maybe. But then again, what would it give to him? Nothing, maybe just some more trouble, if anything. No, he did the right thing. He shouldn’t feel guilty. He did the only right thing, he decided to cut Dean out and he was going to stick to that plan. Naomi told him so, too, and disobeying her would only cause endless trouble. He felt like he got back on track again, being only for himself and doing whatever made sure he made it safe through his life. That was what he always wanted – safety. Being with Dean was never safe.

“Fu – _fudge_.” Cas accidently scratched the back of his hand a little too hard and he didn’t notice that he started bleeding, as he had been too lost in his thoughts. He rummaged in his bag to look for a tissue, a band aid, something to clean up and cover up the accident, but the first thing he got his hands on – Dean’s DVDs. Cas remembered stuffing them in his bag the night before. With a sigh, he put them back and decided to simply lick the blood up, it wasn’t that much anyway. One day, he had to return the disks, but not that soon. He didn’t want to risk an encounter so quickly.

* * *

 

The school suddenly felt much too small, like the walls were closing in on him and the ceiling would come down, crushing him, so Dean escaped outside to the school yard, he felt like he was going to choke if he stayed indoors any longer.

He sat down at his group's usual table and breathed in deeply. The cold, fresh air rushing through his lungs felt like medicine. He calmed down, even if only a little, and watched the sky. He had tried to read some pages of his Geography text book, since he just missed this class, but he couldn’t focus on what he read, his eyes scanned the pages but his brain couldn’t make any sense out of the words. So he put the book away again and just looked up. The sight of the dark, heavy clouds passing by fast and revealing some blue of the sky here and there was calming. It felt so good to be simply alone with no one anywhere near, even the silence, something Dean could never stand, felt somewhat soothing.

Dean smiled, because he felt like he understood something about Castiel. He understood why Cas was so happy about simply sitting somewhere and let his eyes wander. It felt so damn good and relaxing – this might also be the explanation why Cas always seemed to be fresh out of a meditation, well, always except for that day…

 

The bell rang and after a short time, the school yard filled up quickly with people and their annoying chattering. And it didn’t take long until Dean wasn’t alone on the table.

“Deano!” This nickname made Dean twitch every time. He didn’t mind having one, he only wished it would have been less laughably.

“Hey, Garth.” Dean lifted his hand for a salute.

“Still not reconciled with Constantine?” Ash chew on a toothpick as he sat down, Garth quickly following.

Dean smiled a little – stupid nicknames were Garth’s and Ash’s favorite pastime. But the smile quickly faded as Dean shook his head.

“Too bad, I already hoped to be the best man for one of you,” Ash pouted.

“Shouldn’t we get inside again? I’m pretty sure it’s going to rain,” Kevin pointed up towards the sky as he sat down, Sam and Jo, who followed him, both rolled their eyes. “Kev, keep cool. You won’t get hit by a flash of lightning.” Sometimes, it almost scared the Winchesters how much Jo started to sound like her mother.

“Still no luck with Cas?” Sam whispered, Dean replied with a shake of his head. “Sorry, man.” Sam punched his brother faintly in the upper arm, but Dean just shrugged. He already accepted the fact – he lost a friend because he couldn’t stop being stupid, disgusting, foolish… well, himself.

Thankfully, the Cas-topic was dropped quickly and soon, the whole group was engaged in some insignificant blabber, as Chuck looked up from this notepad. “Huh,” he huffed, “is that the reason for the drama?” Everyone followed the direction Chuck’s pencil was pointing at – Dean swallowed hard at the view.

He didn’t notice, but Cas made his way on the school yard and sat at his usual spot, but he wasn’t alone. Meg was there with him – and she smiled, as she wrapped a streak of her curly hair around her finger. She was flirting with Cas.

 

“So, Charming, what you’re up to today?” Meg leaned against the tree Cas always sat beneath. The dark-haired boy rolled his eyes. She followed him all the way from the class room down to the bench. Thankfully, she didn’t sit down with him, but still, she didn’t seem to leave any time soon.

“Nothing in particular,” Cas replied with his teeth pressed together – he hated being impolite, but he simply only wished to be left alone. He hoped she would get the hint and go away.

“Would you like to? There’s this new movie-“

“No movies!” Cas smashed his palms on the table as he jumped up to stand. His sudden outburst made Meg take one step back. “Wow,” she raised an eyebrow, “I didn’t know you were so passionately against the sorcery of moving pictures.”

Cas cleared his throat, knowing his reaction was more than simply over the top. “I simply don’t like watching them with someone…” He still remembered every time he and Dean planned to watch something… and well, the aftermaths were still scaring him. Cas was not about to risk that happening with someone else. It was too dangerous.

“Okay… well…” Meg pulled out a little notepad out of her messenger bag and scribbled something down. She tore the page out and placed it on the table. “If you change your mind… ring me up.”

 

“Did he… tell her to fuck off?”

“I- I guess so, yeah.”

No one believed what they just saw.

Dean raised his eyebrows and sighed as soon as Meg was gone. Nope, he still wasn’t too fond of her and he was relieved that she had a hard time with Cas as well as him. Even when Meg was gone and everyone at the table continued the conversation, Dean still didn’t turn around. He couldn’t take his eyes away from Cas, staring at him felt comforting. As long as Cas was in sight, Dean felt a little better.

* * *

 

“Can I help you?” Dean peaked his head through the kitchen door, watching Ellen as she washed the dishes, while some pots on the oven already boiled.

She rubbed her forehead with the back of her rubber-gloved hand, eyeing Dean questioning. “You and Bobby are done?” She nodded towards the garage, but Dean shook his head as he stepped inside. “Well, Bobby _is_ done… with me.” Dean shrugged and tried to laugh, “I guess I shouldn’t have dropped like… everything. He said ‘ _Idjit, go being useless somewhere else’_.”

Ellen shook her head, smiling at Dean's poor imitation of her husband. “Alright, then be useless here in the kitchen.”

An honest smile appeared on Dean’s face, the simple joy of being good for something made him beam. He quickly took the wooden spoon Ellen handed him and stirred the blubbing pasta sauce in one of the pots.

“How was your day, honey? You barely talk about school anymore.” Ellen put a stack of plates back into the hanging cabinet, her back turned on Dean, who cringed at this question. He knew she was right, he used to talk a lot and pretty enthusiastic about school, his friends and well, Cas.

“It was… good, yeah.” Dean lied with a fake smile on his face, though he knew, Ellen couldn’t see it.

“Sure?”, came it from behind him, “I heard something else.”

Dean clenched his jaw. Those damn kids. He knew, either Sam or Jo must have told Ellen something about the Cas-issue.

He was about to reply, but he already felt a hand on his shoulder. “Dean, my ears are always open.” He nodded, he knew it. He felt reluctant, but still, he couldn’t hold back the most urgent question that just rolled off his tongue.

“How do you get someone to listen to you?”

Ellen frowned. She stopped, her eyes gazing out of the window above the kitchen sink, as she grabbed some of the mugs she just washed. After a moment, she smiled. “It’s about Castiel, right?”

Dean swallowed as he nodded. He didn’t mean to bring it up, but well, now he could make the best out of it.

“Did you fight?” Dean shook his head – _that_ was the problem. There was no fight, no argument, nothing, nothing but – _well_.

Ellen narrowed her eyes as she turned to lean against the counter next to Dean. She crossed her arms as she eyed him up and down.

“Was it a bad thing?”

Dean was about to shake his head, but he knew it would be a lie – lying won’t help him, so he nodded. To be honest, it was a bad thing, especially for the personified chastity that was Cas.

"Is there a girl involved?"

Dean scratched the back of his head as he shook his head in silence. It would have been too easy if it had been about some love-triangle or whatever romantic bullshit. Ellen nodded as she raised her eyebrows, she surely expected a different response. But a smile quickly appeared on her face again, as she made a step up to Dean to stroke his cheek with the back of her still gloved hands.

“Give him some time. Then approach him again. If he liked you only half as much as you like him, he’ll be relieved when you make the step. Just - let him cool down first.”

Dean laughed, it sounded so simple and yet so wise and well, it made perfectly sense. He felt like this plan must work out, since it was Ellen who came up with it.

“Thanks.” He smiled wide, she winked in response.

“Get the stuff sorted out fast and then you’ll invite him to come over. I want to meet him!” Ellen stole the spoon from Dean’s hand and with a bump of her hips against his, she pushed him aside.

“Set up the plates, we’re eating.”

* * *

 

Cas felt it, his life was slipping back to the same ordinary routine. Being alone at lunch, being alone during every class and being alone in his room – this routine used to give him safety, but now, it felt just wrong. He had a bite of the forbidden fruit of carelessness and now, he was spoiled. His room had always been his own kingdom, his refuge and after he allowed someone in, he didn’t feel safe in there any longer, it had lost its integrity. He felt like he could be hurt anywhere now.

The paper with Meg’s number on it flew straight into the bin, Cas had no use for it. It’s not just he wasn’t in the mood to meet anyone, he wasn’t the kind of man who would just meet up with someone, especially not with a girl – Naomi wouldn’t approve of it, anyway. He simply had no idea of what to expect with Meg, what kind of plans did she have? He pushed aside any thoughts that implied it could be something similar to what happened with Dean. No, he wasn’t about to let this happen ever again, with nobody.

“Castiel?” A soft voice came from outside and Cas got up from his desk to open up the door.

“Yes?” He _really_ wasn’t in the mood for a chat, but he couldn’t let his sister wait in the corridor. Anna’s blue eyes quickly locked with his own.

“Are you okay?” Anna almost whispered, knowing Naomi’s ears were basically everywhere.

“Of course I am,” he replied with a shrug, but Anna tilted her head.

“Nah,” she said as she crinkled her nose, the way she always did when she felt messed with. Cas rolled his eyes, dreading the long conversation he knew that was about to come. Anna made one step up to him and swung her arms around his neck. “It’s too bad, seriously.”

Cas remained stiff and didn’t breathe until she let go of him again. “What do you mean?”

“Dean and you – I heard you two stay away from each other. That makes me sad. I though you two had, well… Your friendship seemed to be somewhat special… _different_. Hope you two get along again. It was too cute.”

Cas frowned. “I am not cute. Neither is Dean.”

Anna smiled as she placed a chaste kiss on her brother’s cheek. “You are. Both.”

She ran off quickly, surely not waiting for Cas to argue against her, but he didn’t even think of a response. He let her words sink in as he closed the door and wandered back to his desk. What did Anna mean when she said they were different? Different than other friendships? But different in which way? Her words made him doubt in his decision to leave this Dean-episode in his life behind. He tried to deny, but it was true that something went missing.

* * *

 

If it hadn’t been for Ellen’s advice that felt a little comforting, Dean wouldn’t have slept at all.

It gnawed at him that Cas went back to his lonesome cowboy-behavior and it had been all just Dean’s fault, it had been Dean’s fault that Cas stayed away from anyone and looked like he was about to slaughter whoever dared to approach – he turned Cas into a worse Cas. But maybe, when Ellen was right and Dean wished she was right, there might be a chance to turn it all around again. He could never forgive himself if he wouldn’t try everything to get Cas out of this bad place where he, Dean Winchester himself, had put him in to. Cas saved him and now it was about time that Dean saved Cas.

In theory, this was a lot easier than in reality. The moment Dean spotted Cas in the halls, walking in front of him, too far to reach out to him and still too close to ignore, he felt his heart beating faster. He wished it would be as easy as it used to be, when he would run up to Cas and both would talk about their day before, what they watched on TV and then, Cas would talk to Dean about something Dean had never heard of and it would be the most interesting thing ever and Dean would tell Cas about some cars he worked on the day before and Cas would look at Dean like he didn’t screw around at some motors but managed to perform open brain-surgeries. Dean clenched his jaw as he felt his eyes burning and stinging, he tried to calm down and chase away those memories that did nothing but hurt. Closing his eyes for a second felt good, but as he opened them again, he saw something that he shouldn’t have seen.

“Sorry Milton, didn’t see you.” Some girls that Dean knew were in their year, giggled after one of them deliberately stretched out her leg to make Cas, who passed them by, stumble. He didn’t fall, but faltered, everyone around in the halls started to laugh. One of the boys who stood nearby, pushed Cas.

_Was this his usual life?_

Cas lowered his head and tried to pass the group by, but some football douches blocked the way, so Cas stopped. This made Dean angry, he started to run.

“Leave him alone!”

The girls as well as the douches looked up in Dean’s direction, one of them got hold of Cas’ coat in the meantime. The girls quickly walked away, but the boys smiled, amused by the rage in Dean’s eyes. “Look who came to the rescue… your boyfriend.” The boy who held Cas’ coat let go of him with a firm push, making Cas stumble a few steps back. Dean came up to Cas and put a hand on his shoulder, not caring about the douches anymore, who left anyway, since it wasn’t fun to tease Cas when Dean was around.

“You okay?” Cas nodded in silence as he started to walk again, Dean trying to catch up – Cas surely had a fast pace.

“Are they always like this?” Dean hissed, still angry at the sheer impudence of these brats.

“No.” Without looking at Dean, Cas kept on walking ahead, as if nothing happened. Dean boiled with pure frustration but he knew it wouldn’t help him neither to help Cas against those bullies nor to fix their fucked-up relation with each other, so he left the topic be, but stayed at Cas’ side the whole way to the class room; Dean even held up doors for Cas, much to latter one’s surprise.

Dean hoped Cas got the hint.

But to avoid crossing the creeper line, Dean made sure there was one spare seat between them as he sat down in the back row with Cas.

 

In every following class, Dean chose to sit somewhere near Cas to keep an eye on him. It was like his mission and it felt like he was a little closer to him again, even though he missed their talks and the way Cas would honestly laugh about Dean’s stupid joked that wouldn’t make Sam even smile in pity. Even Casey’s attempts to talk to him didn’t distract him; until she showed up at his locker as he got out some books and suggested a meeting, Dean had completely forgotten about their, well, _thing._

“Sorry, Casey, I’m not interested.”

“Oh, come on, my parents are gone and it’s much more comfortable at home than here.” Her wink at the end made Dean shudder. Had he really fallen for something so blatant? But he remembered his manners as he replied with a smile. “Thank you for your invitation but I must decline.” With a loud smashing sound, he locked the door and left her standing there. He sighed. He wished he could make this one thing with her undone. It hadn't been that great - to be honest it had been throughout bad -  and brought more trouble than anything else.

* * *

 

“Dean?”

“Hm?” Dean swallowed the big chunk of pie he just stuffed in his mouth. “What’s up, big boy?”

Sam’s head hung low as he walked up to sit down at the kitchen table with his brother.

“I- I’m coming, Dean. I’m coming to see Dad with you.”

Dean almost dropped the fork as he was about to put some more pie in his mouth. “What?”

Sam shrugged. “I’m coming, yeah.”

Slowly, Dean couldn’t hold back a smile. “You sure?”

His brother replied with an eye-roll. “Yes, yes, I am. I cannot let you go and face Dad on your own. Someone needs to watch your back.”

“Sure,” Dean smiled as he chew the next bite. He knew that this was just a lame excuse but he was happy about it.

“I just wanted to let you know. Anyway, you should eat something healthy for a change.” Sam pointed at the pie as he got up again to leave the kitchen.

“There are apples! Apples are vegetables!”

“They’re _fruits_ , jerk.” Sam turned around in the doorway and pressed his lips together.

“However. They’re healthy, _bitch_.”

As soon as Sam was gone, Dean fumbled in his pockets and got out his phone. He needed to tell Cas- _wait_.

Could – _should_ – he really tell Cas? Well, Cas surely didn’t bother, but Dean wanted to share these news. It felt like a bummer to his mood to remember the still ongoing issue with him. He wanted to message him, but he didn’t know what to say. Nothing felt right. He just wanted things to be easy again. Dean sighed. Why was this so damn complicated and why was he willing to put up with this anyway?

* * *

 

The following day felt like a lame repetition of the previous one. Dean felt brave enough to stay in Cas’ orbit and he kept choosing seats near him and made sure no one came too close to him again. But they spoke not a single word, not with each other or anyone else. The more time passed, the angrier Dean got – he was really frustrated. He was about to grab Cas by the hand and drag him somewhere until the kid heard him out, but he knew that this was a stupid idea.

As he glanced over to Cas during lunch break, he realized that Cas was watching him, but not with this strange, unsettling look in his eyes that made Cas look like a serial killer, but it wasn’t his usual calm expression either. It was like a big question mark was written across Cas’ face, his eyes opened wide and big and his forehead curled. Dean couldn’t decipher whether Cas’ expression was meant to show confusion, pity or fear, giving or asking for forgiveness. Well, at least the anger was gone. But still, Dean didn’t feel better.

Before Cas looked away, Dean swore he saw a little smile appear on the other’s face.

* * *

 

With his phone tightly in his hands, Dean walked around in his room, back and forth, again and again.

He could at least give it a try and send Cas a text. It seemed like Ellen had been right and Cas had cooled down – and if not, well, Cas could always simply ignore the message, right? As he opened the menu, Dean decided to tell Cas about Sam’s decision to come with him, somehow Cas had something to do with it and like this, Dean's message would have at least some content.

**_Hey Cas. Hope u do good. Don’t wanna piss u off._ **

**_Just wanted to tell u,sam coming with me 2 visit dad._ **

**_Thought you gotta know,already bugged u bout it._ **

**_See ya soon, hopefully._ **

Dean knew how lame and pathetic it sounded, but damn, he had to, he had to write _something_ into this damn message and tried to sound as peaceable as possible. He already regretted his decision, but damn, it was hit or miss and it couldn’t get any worse.

About five minutes must have passed, until Dean heard his phone beeping – he got up from his desk to get the phone he had tossed on the bed.

**_Hello Dean. Thank you for keeping me updated, I am glad_ **

**_about Sam’s decision. I hope you will have a pleasant time_ **

**_with your Father. You don’t annoy me, but I almost missed the_ **

**_message since I was about to leave the house for a jog in the green._ **

Dean smiled – this was the Cas he knew. But the last part made Dean breed an idea. He had no idea where Cas' running route actually was, he only knew Cas went running somewhere in the woods three times a week at least. Well, Dean had nothing to do and he could sit in the car and drive around and maybe _accidently_ come across Cas… worth a try.

* * *

 

Cas pulled his running shirt over his head as he glanced over at his phone. No new message from Dean. Maybe his hint wasn’t clear enough – or maybe, it was _too_ clear.

Did he scare Dean away? Was he too ebullient in his relief of Dean talking to him again?

The way Dean approached quietly and even defended him made Cas think. It felt good, _really_ good. Not as good as he used to feel with Dean before the incident, but better than without him. Now that he knew how life could be, he had to admit he didn’t want his old life back. He smiled when he saw Dean’s message – and he didn’t smile since the afternoon Dean had spent with him. The message reminded Cas why he had been angry in the first place – because he felt good around Dean, so good that he didn’t even mind the kisses, the intimacy and the skin contact and he was afraid, simply afraid he was being used for something meaningless - because for Cas, it meant a lot. And the way Dean behaved the previous days made Cas think that maybe, _maybe_ it did mean something to Dean, too… Maybe he deserved to be given a second chance.

Cas figured that he should let fate decide about what to do - since he had no idea how to handle emotional topics and everything with Dean felt so irrational, it seemed to be a good idea. So Cas decided that if he would meet Dean somewhere along on his running route, it was fate and their friendship was indeed what Anna had called “different”.

He knotted his shoes, popped his ear buds in and ran off.

* * *

Maybe it really had been a dumb idea, but well, it was worth trying. Nobody would know, but still, Dean felt ashamed about his blind naivety. He wanted to come across Cas “accidently” since he got a hint about where the boy might be, but after standing there in the woods, at the lake where they had been after their movie-night, for half an hour and not seeing a trace of the nerdy running boy, Dean could punch himself in the face. He knew, he should get his pretty ass back in the car and drive home again, since this was an idea that had clearly failed. It wasn’t one of the warmer days, in fact, Dean shivered despite wearing his leather jacket over a plaid shirt over a t-shirt. The sun was about to set and clouds were building up at the horizon, surely bringing rain within the next half an hour. But still, Dean couldn’t bring himself to leave. He was going to wait, even if it would take the whole night. He wasn’t going to give up.

The silence around him felt peacefully calm and he focused on faint sounds in the distance – the creaking of a branch, the wind in the tree tops, birds singing-

“Hello, Dean.”

The rough voice from behind him made Dean jump in sudden surprise and he turned around to look into Cas’ blue eyes, a faint smile appearing underneath. Dean pressed his palms against his chest, right where his heart was beating faster and faster.

“Dude, how the hell can you be this quiet?”

Cas stood still and shrugged. Dean looked at him carefully, he wore nothing but some shorts and a t-shirt, but he didn’t seem to be cold.

“I’m sorry, it wasn’t my intention to scare you.” Cas scratched the back of his head.

“It’s cool,” Dean smiled. He breathed in, thinking about how to continue, how to even find a proper way to start the whole conversation, but everything he wanted to say suddenly got stirred up in a big messy blur of half-sentences.

Cas tapped his feet, trying to find a way to convey his emotional state. It was safe to say this wasn’t the easiest of all topics he handled throughout his life. He wished to find something to say, but he didn’t.

Nothing was said for a long time, when both only looked into each other’s eyes, slowly smiling. Dean waved at Cas to make him sit next to him on the Impala’s hood, Cas followed the silent invitation right away. Dean curled his forehead as he noticed the sounds coming from the ear buds that hung down from Cas’ collar.

“Slipknot?” Dean asked after a while as he gave up to guess the band, he wasn’t familiar enough with this kind of brute stuff.

Cas smiled as he shook his head. “Mudvayne.” Dean nodded, remembering that he heard some songs of this band before. “It’s crazy someone like you is into something this heavy.”

Through narrowed eyes, Cas looked at Dean. “Why?”

The serious confusion made Dean smile. “Oh boy…”

“What’s so funny, Dean?”

“Nothing… Anyway, thanks Cas.”

“For what?”

Dean shrugged. “Coming here.”

Cas opened his mouth, his lips forming an “Ah.”, but not letting out a sound.

“We’re going to see Dad the upcoming weekend.” Dean looked around aimlessly as he kicked one of the pebbles lying around near his feet.

“I wish you… good luck?” Cas wasn’t sure if this wasn’t a stupid thing to say, but Dean smiled.

“Thanks. We might need it.”

Cas lowered his head and watched Dean’s feet fumbling with the stones on the muddy ground.

“How did you find me?” Dean asked as he kicked a pebble in to the lake, hitting the water with a splash.

Cas shrugged. “I just assumed.”

After he cleared his throat, Dean breathed in deep and pulled himself together to finally say what felt like the only right thing to say.

“Sorry if I hurt you. Never meant to do that. I mean, sure, I _do_ that kind of stuff a lot, but it never means anything and I have no clue why I did it with, with _you_.”

Dean looked at Cas, trying to figure out what he might be thinking, but Cas’ stare went straight ahead, getting lost somewhere in the distance, somewhere in the woods.

“See…,” Dean went ahead since Cas’ silence made him uncomfortable, "...you surely are not like one of those girls to me.”

“I already figured. My body is certainly built, well, different.”

Dean forced himself to laugh, feeling guilty as he saw the emptiness in Cas’ unfocused stare, but he quickly went silent as he realized that Cas’ experience didn’t change.

“It would be pretty rad if things could be okay again, between me and you.” Dean’s voice was almost only a whisper. Cas pulled his eyes away from whatever he was staring at and placed them onto Dean, who gulped hard. Was this such a stupid thing to say?

“Yeah, yeah.” Cas nodded as he turned away again. “It would be… _rad_.”

“I promise to keep my hands off you this time.” Dean added, smiling but the memories came back like a slap in the face.

“Okay.” Cas tilted his head, not sure if Dean was joking or serious. The way he licked his lips unconsciously as he thought made Dean gasp for air and almost forget what he just promised. Something about this guy was… Dean had no idea.

“I guess it’s going to rain soon and I haven’t finished my route yet…” Cas said hesitantly after a while when neither said a word as they watched the ducks swimming on the lake.

“Sure, sure, it’s okay.”

“I suppose we’ll see each other at school tomorrow, right?” Cas smiled shyly.

“Of course.” Dean winked at Cas, whose smile grew wider promptly.

“Then… See you tomorrow!” Cas waved as he ran off, Dean waving back as he unlocked the car’s door.

As he sat down in the car and watched Cas leave again, he clenched his jaw, feeling his eyes sting and burn like they already did during the previous days, but this time, it felt worse.

He felt tears coming, tears that felt cold against his hot cheeks as they streamed down his face. It felt so damn good to talk to Cas again and it felt so damn wrong to let him go again. When Cas was out of sight, Dean leaned his head again the wheel, he couldn’t keep himself up anymore.

It hit him.

It hit him hard and painful and it scared him and it made him furious.

He sobbed, he winced and he screamed as he finally admitted to himself he was crying, fucking crying like a stupid baby.

He promised himself that it would never, ever happen to him again. Not after his first love failed, as well as number two and three. He never wanted to feel this way ever again, but he did. He felt the way he did as things with Robin went down the drain, when Cassie dumped him without a warning and right after his father announced they had to move away and Dean had to break up with Lisa. He never wanted these feelings to come back, but now they came back, even stronger. He never wanted this drama to ever happen again. He never wanted to get too close someone again, the danger was too big and the pain had never been worth it.

But fuck it, it happened. He got too close. It scared him. He had no idea when or how or even why, but it did happen. And suddenly, it was all so clear.

He didn’t want to be with Cas.

He _needed_ to be with Cas.

He needed...

Cas.


	10. Make Up Your Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and (to those of you who celebrate) happy Easter! :)  
> Today's chapter is a little milestone, chapter ten already! Thank you so much for reading, giving kudos, bookmarking and commenting, it really means the world to me. I wish I could hug all of you, but since I can't I hope this chapter is a nice substitute for that :) It's longer than usual and I hope you'll like it (especially the last part, wink-wink).   
> So, please enjoy! :)

Dean couldn’t help but to grin like Cheshire Cat as he entered the class room and saw Cas already sitting there, with a soft smile on his lips like his usual self. He hoped he could dare to believe things were becoming normal again.

“Is the seat taken?” Dean felt like he was hitting on someone in a sleazy, disgusting bar, but it would have felt wrong not to ask first before he sat down beside Cas. Since it felt so awkward, the horrible, cheesy and exaggerated grin on his face felt about right. Cas gestured to the seat and showed some teeth through his smile.

“It’s all yours.”

Knowing that Cas must feel the same weird way lessened the pressure Dean felt on his shoulders. He wanted to make clear he was serious that he wanted to be friends with him again and damn, he wanted Cas to know he was really sorry. If necessary, Dean would have bought a fucking bouquet of damn flowers, but he guessed, this only worked for wives.

Dean was so careful not to do anything offensive and gave his best not to get too close, since he knew how far they had already gotten. But it seemed like Cas was happy with whatever Dean said or did.

This Friday was the best day Dean had in a long time.

 

“Oh, look, the dream team is reunited!” Ash leaned against the lockers and hissed over to Garth who almost choked on his apple, chuckling about the remark.

“Shut your pie hole,” Dean grunted as he walked along with Cas, simply _knowing_ something inappropriate must have come from one of them.

“Dean, I guess they just share their mutual joy about something pleasant,” Cas leaned over to Dean, with his face being completely free from any trace that could make clear he was joking – no, Castiel was indeed serious, not getting any hint as usual. That was the Cas Dean missed, the Cas he knew so well and the same damn Cas that made Dean sigh and rub his temples, Ash and Garth laughed again at the sight, while Dean dragged Cas along with him, to make sure they got away from the duo as fast as possible.

“They share – never mind.” Dean shook his head, not willing to put up any longer with this topic.

“So… tomorrow it is?” Cas’ voice was low and soft as he spoke, making sure no one else was near them as they stopped by a candy vending machine.

“Yeah. We’ll leave this afternoon and sleep at a motel nearby. The meeting’s scheduled for 10 a.m.” Dean leaned against the wall and watched Cas’ fingers hovering over the buttons, thinking carefully about which one he should press.

“How much time do you have?” Cas asked as he kneeled down to get his snack – he went for a sticky caramel-chocolate-bar.

Dean frowned as Cas devoured the candy – the way he took way too big bites and chew them like he was some kind of wild animal made it hard for Dean to believe this kid was not raised in a barn.

“I don’t know,” he managed to get out after taking his eyes off Cas, “I guess, Dad and Sam don’t need much time. I plan on being home again somewhat around tomorrow afternoon.”

“Let me know how it went,” Cas spoke with his mouth full and the way he licked his lips sent a shiver down Dean’s spine.

“I- I will.”

* * *

 

As they opened the door to their motel room, Dean and Sam shuddered simultaneously, both feeling unpleasant memories coming back. Withered wallpapers, an old carpet and bed sheets that definitely needed to be changed were the setting to countless childhood memories and now, they were one of those replaceable, temporarily homes again.

“I hope it’s gonna be worth it. I _hate_ those places.” Sam hopped onto one of the beds and looked beneath it, checking the floor under the mattress.

“Chin up, Sammy. It’s just one night and then, hopefully, never ever again.” Dean fold up his jacket and placed it over the backrest of one of the chairs that belonged to the tiny table beneath the room’s only window.

“Stop calling me Sammy. I’m no longer a chubby twelve-year-old.” As if to emphasize what he just said, Sam slammed the door behind him as he entered the bathroom.

“No, now you’re just a bratty fourteen-year-old,” Dean chuckled tom himself.

“I heard that!” 

“Whatever. I’m calling Bobby to tell him we made it safe here.”

“Okay!” Behind the closed door, Dean heard the toilet lid clacking as he got out his phone and dialed the Singer’s number. After the dial tone repeated a couple of times, he heard a click and a rough voice answering. “Yes?”

“Hey Bobby, it’s me, Dean. We made it safe up here. Sam’s in the bathroom now.” He tucked the curtains aside as he spoke, trying to figure out despite the darkness outside in what kind of neighborhood they had ended up.

“Ah, yeah, that’s good. Have fun there, boys. And punch the idjit not too tight, okay?” Dean smiled at the seriousness in Bobby’s voice.

“Aye, I’ll tell Sam.” Dean’s lips curled up to a tiny smile, the first honest one since the brothers left the Singer’s house. The whole situation felt like a heavy, uncomfortable burden on both of the brothers' shoulders and yet, neither said a word about it.

“Seriously, Dean, it’s not just hard for both of you, remember that.” The low and calm tone to Bobby’s voice felt so strange to Dean, making him feel even more misplaced and helpless in this unfamiliar place – suddenly he understood how serious the situation really was.

“I know Bobby… I know.” Dean pressed his eyes together as he felt his insides stinging and prickling. He felt like he was about to throw up. Damn nervousness.

“Sleep well, boy.”

“You too.”

A clicking sound came from the other end of the line and Dean pressed the red button on his phone to end the call. He was already about to toss his phone on the bed, as he noticed the little envelope in the corner of the display – he got a message. His heart raced fast and he felt so unbearably moronic to be excited about this, he didn’t even know who sent the message. He closed his eyes and swallowed his excitement as he opened it, preparing for some disappointment. The message surely came from the provider, informing him he was almost out of minutes, yes, he was pretty sure about that. There was no way, just no way the message was…

from Cas.

**_Hello, Dean. I figured that you might have arrived_ **

**_in the motel by now, hopefully safe. I wish you a good night_ **

**_and good luck tomorrow._ **

**_-Cas_ **

“What you’re smiling at so idiotic?” A damp towel coming from behind landed on Dean’s head; he tossed it to the floor while typing a reply with the other hand.

“None of your business,” Dean’s hands trembled as he thought of a reply. Damn, he thought the distance could help him to cool down and come to his senses again, but yet, this message made all the fuzz coming up once more. He was angry at himself for being so damn soft, but the happiness overweighed. He could be pissed at himself later again, for a little moment he was only happy Cas cared enough to send a message. What wouldn’t Dean give to talk to Cas now, to have him there… He swayed past Sam for a session on the toilet for himself – the drive was damn long. He decided to take the time on the porcelain throne to think of a good reply for Cas – actually writing it in there would be just wrong and disrespectful, even if Cas would never know.

“Is that thing glued to your hands?” Sam snickered as Dean came out of the bathroom, again staring at the phone’s screen. “Shut it,” Dean retorted without looking up as he sat down next to Sam on his bed. The younger Winchester already unpacked the groceries they bought on their way and was eating his rabbit food, some packed salad he insisted on buying, while Dean was more into tacos. After taking a huge bite, he typed the message he already planned out in his head.

**_Hey Cas! Yea, we just arrived safe &sound. Thank you, hopefully_ **

**_we make it thru tomorrow :D See ya._ **

He felt a little silly about it, but it was the best thing he came up with. He tossed his phone aside and reached out to the TV remote, switching the device on.

“Dean, no Dr Sexy MD-rerun, I dare you.” Sam’s bitchface left Dean unimpressed.

“Shut up.”

* * *

 

The moment his phone buzzed, Cas sighed in relief. Dean was safe and alright with the message he just sent him.

With the information he got about Dean’s father running through the back of his head again and again, he spent doing his homework and going for a run pondering how the meeting might go. He wished to see Dean returning happy, smiling bright with all his heart. It made Cas truly happy to see Dean smile, the wider Dean’s smile, the happier Cas would be - it was something he noticed, a little bewildered, but not enough to freak out about it. He remembered his mother had said that it made her happy when her children were smiling with joy, so Cas concluded it was alright and not strange to be glad about someone else’s happiness. There was just something about the way Dean’s eyes glowed and his nose crinkled that made Cas know for sure Dean felt really good – and that made Cas feel good as well.

This was one of those moments when Cas wished his mother was still around. He would have liked to talk to her about Dean and the way he felt so happy every time he saw Dean smiling because that would have made her happy as well. He was sure, she would have liked Dean. And he had always loved to see her smile, maybe, because it was so rare and yet so special. 

* * *

 

Harsh, bright sunlight against the white concrete walls almost blinded the Winchester brothers, as they wandered through the possibly never-ending hallways of the rehab center. A person in charge walked a few steps in front of them, not saying a single word besides a not very heart-warming greeting as he picked Sam and Dean up at the reception. The way his head and shoulders hung down and his feet slumped over the linoleum made Dean guess that this wasn’t someone who found his dream job.

“Here’s the visitor’s room. You got one hour maximum. Have fun.” Barely looking at them, he pointed towards a double door. Dean opened it, swallowing hard. He made a step in, Sam following right away. Dean’s eyes scanned the giant room carefully, his head slowly turning, as he suddenly spotted _him_.

He sat there at one of the tables, alone.

John, his father.

He didn’t remember him like this, he even barely _recognized_ him, looking so tiny and lost in this big, bright room. Did he always look… so very old? Or did he just age drastically caged inside this sanatorium? No, no, he must have lost some weight, Dean was sure. The sound of the approaching steps made John look up and both Dean and Sam stopped in their motions for the break of a second, taken aback by the dead expression on their father’s face – neither of them ever saw his eyes being circled by rings this dark and black and his stare, even though his eyes were set on them, seemed to go right through them.

“Good to see you, boys.” Though quieter and less commanding than usual, yes, this thin voice was indeed John’s. Dean saw Sam swallowing hard beside him as they sat down, at the opposite side on the table, where John already clung onto a coffee mug with both his hands. The only thing about him they recognized right away was the big flannel shirt he wore. Everything else was just too fragile and broken to be their Dad.

“Good to see you, too,” Dean replied as he tried hard to smile, but John shook his head.

“You’re still a terrible liar, Dean.”

This remark, surely not even meant in a serious or even admonishing way, made Dean go silent anyway, suddenly he was so insecure about everything he could possibly say. As usual, he didn’t have a strict script prepared of how he expected the conversation to go, but he thought of some topics he would have liked to mention, like his new room at Bobby’s house, Sam’s good grades at school, the cars he fixed at Bobby’s garage, their new friends… but suddenly, everything felt so wrong and too banal to mention.

For some time, nobody said anything. John glanced down his mug, while Sam’s stare went out the window behind his father, surely wishing to be able to just escape and get away, like the clouds passing by above the roof. Dean’s eyes went from his hands on the table to his father, to his brother and then back to his own hands again. This was so horrible and even embarrassing, they were _family_ , they have always been and always will and they haven’t seen each other in months, and yet, they have nothing to say? Wasn’t John even interested in them?

“The rattling in the Impala’s engine is gone. Dean fixed it.” Sam’s seemingly casual remark made John look up, wide-eyed and in disbelief. He looked at Sam, then at Dean, who didn’t dare to breathe as his father’s eyes rested on him. But a little smile appeared on John’s face.

“Really? She’s all good again?”

“Yeah,” Dean breathed out, barely audible, but with a smile.

“Don’t break her again,” John mumbled as he took another sip, Sam rolled his eyes – could John not be at least _once_ just simply be pleased with something they’ve done? As if he could read his brother’s mind, Dean patted his thigh beneath the table and smiled.

“Don’t you worry, Bobby makes sure I won’t screw her up.”

The mention of Bobby seemed to calm John, the smile returned. “He, Ellen and Jo… are they doing well?” Dean never saw John smiling so… shyly.

“Yeah, yeah, they’re doing great, really great…” Dean nodded, smiling because he finally found a topic his Dad was interested in; only Sam seemed to be still unamused.

“ _We_ are doing good as well,” he mumbled along with another roll of his eyes. Dean was about to punch his younger brother, but John just laughed – it sounded weary and tired, but it was not faked, it was as real as it was exhausted.

“I know that, Sammy. I knew that from the moment you two walked in. You might have grown a hairstyle that I don’t understand, but you two look better than ever.”

Neither of the brothers said anything, too surprised and yet unexpectedly touched about the parental feelings their father obviously had, _still_ had.

“What’s wrong, boys?” John eyed them, just the way he always did when they were younger and he tried to find out what kind of bullshit they’ve done behind his back.

“Nothing, really, nothing…” Dean’s voice trailed off, he smiled brightly nevertheless, what made John looking only more questioning.

“Seems like neither of us has to repeat the year at school,” Sam spoke with a voice so low and confident, Dean still had to get used to the voice change his brother went through – he was sure, he would be missing the kid voice soon.

“Hm?” John raised his eyebrows.

“We are not going to fail the school year,” Sam repeated, a little more annoyed this time.

“That’s good.” John nodded, obviously not interested in details.

Sam pressed his lips together, trying to hold back the anger boiling up inside him. Seemed like John still wasn’t really interested in their lives, he only gave a crap about whether they were alive or not.

“How are you doing?” Dean asked so quietly, he barely heard himself talking.

“You don’t wanna know.” All of sudden, it was back, John’s trademark stare, angry and cold, just the way Dean always knew since he was four years old, since his mother had died.

“If he wouldn’t like to know, Dean wouldn’t have asked,” Sam spoke loud as he crossed his arms in front of his chest.

_Oh no._

Dean didn’t like this behavior, this Sam-wants-to-fight-attitude. He noticed John’s lips being pressed together to a slim line, the way he always did to calm himself, before lashing out anyway.

“It’s okay, Sammy, it was a stupid thing to ask, anyway,” Dean tried to smile the case away, but choked on his own laugh, as his eyes met John’s again, reproving him without any words.

“It really was damn stupid, Dean.” John took his last sip from his mug before putting it back on the table with a loud clack.

_Damn, damn, damn._

_Great, Dean, really fucking awesome._

“I – I am sorry, Dad, I didn’t – “

“It’s okay, don’t you worry. I just wanted to make sure you’re still alive and well – you are.”

“A phone call would have been enough for that, too. We were driving here only for you to see we’re not dead yet? Ever thought of calling us?” Sam slammed his palms on the table, a loud sound that made Dean sit up straight in shock. What was happening? Were they just fighting again, there and now?

“Sam, calm down, please.” As if to emphasize his words, Dean grabbed his brother’s wrist, but Sam pulled away.

“No, Dean, I’m done. I’m _done_.”

That being said, Sam got up and stomped back to the door in loud and fast steps.

“Go, go after him, Dean. See you soon, maybe.” Without even looking up at his son, John shooed him away with a motion of his hand.

“I am so sorry, Dad…” Dean lowered his head as he turned around and caught up with Sam before he left the meeting room.

The person in charge who brought them there leaned against the wall nearby, obviously waiting for them. He raised his eyebrows as he nodded towards the doors. “You done yet?”

“Absolutely done,” Sam replied while he rushed down the corridors, still remembering the way they came. Dean as well as the man he guessed who was a male nurse, followed him.

Down at the entrance, the nurse opened up the front door. “Get safe back home, boys,” he said with an empathic smile, the Winchesters smiling back politely. “Thank you. Have a nice day.” It seemed Sam had calmed down a little, since he was able to kiss some asses with his manners again.

Without any words, the brothers got back into the car. With a loud slam, Dean shut the door, before turning to Sam, who just fastened his seat belt.

“What the godforsaken hell was _that_?” Dean didn’t really mean to shout at Sam, but damn, he did, he couldn’t hold back.

“What?” Sam shrugged as if he really didn’t know what Dean was talking about.

“Was it really necessary to be such a cunt towards Dad?” Dean really couldn’t believe what had just happened, he couldn’t get his head around Sam’s attitude.

“It was only the simple truth, I’m sorry if he can’t handle it,” Sam shrugged innocently as he got comfortable in the seat.

Dean knew Sam made a valid point there. But still, he had such high hopes for this day, for this moment and yet, they were all crushed. He was angry, damn angry, but he knew, Sam wasn’t the one to blame – it was himself alone. If he would have been able to keep his stupid mouth shut, that day might have been a good one.

Without saying any more, Dean put on his seat belt, ignited his baby’s engine and while he pulled out of the rehab center’s parking lot, he turned the music to an ear-shredding level, but neither him nor Sam really minded the noise.

 

After driving for almost one hour and still having one and a half hour to go, Dean stopped at a gas station at the highway. Sam used the bathroom as Dean waited beside the car. He sent Jo a message, telling her the approximate time when they would arrive back at the Singer’s, because damn, he still didn’t feel like talking, not at all. It was easier to type down a few letters. While choosing Jo’s number out of the recently used contacts, Cas’ name appeared on the list, calling Dean’s attention. He sighed. What wouldn’t he give to simply be somewhere alone with Cas, just having him near and not having to explain anything? It would feel too good to be true and yet, it would be too dangerous, too. Did a meet-up with Cas ever end, well, the way it should? But still, having the walking study in meditation somewhere near would be great. That was when Dean remembered he promised Cas that he would tell him how things with his Dad went. Sam was nowhere in sight, so Dean decided it was the perfect timing to give Cas an update.

**_Hey bud, we’re on the road back home. Hopefully we’re back in_ **

**_1,5hrs max.! Didn’t went too well,to say the least. Hope u do better._ **

Dean knew, the last phrase was such a lame chick flick, but damn, it simply felt right to add it. It would surely make Cas smile – even though he couldn’t see this smile, Dean was satisfied enough that he might have caused at least a little smile. He needed to remember he wasn’t just like a bull in a china shop when it came to social interaction.

Sam left the gas station rubbing his hands against his pants and both brothers went back to the car. Before Dean turned the keys, he looked at Sam carefully, who caught his stare – both brothers smiled at each other, it was faint, barely there but still, reassuring enough for both of them.

* * *

 

Thanks to Dean’s irresponsible driving that included ignoring speed limits and red lights, they got back to the Singer’s sooner than expected. Sam wasn’t pleased with having to watch his brother breaking the law, but he surely was glad as well to return home as fast possible.

The moment they stepped on the porch, the front door already opened up. “Hey guys – oh.” The smile on Jo’s face faded quickly as she noticed the expressions on the brother’s faces. “Are you okay? Did something happen? Is everything-“

“Everything is superb, Jo, don’t worry,” Dean winked as he stepped in, Sam following right behind him, confirming his brother’s words with a silent nod.

“O-okay… anyway, Dad’s at the garage, Mom at the _Roadhouse_ , but she left something for you to eat, I can heat it-“

With a lift of his forefinger, Dean made Jo shut up. “You don’t have to pamper us. We’re okay. It’s Saturday, meet some friends, okay? We have to rest after the drive, anyway.”

Surprised about what Dean said, Jo shrugged and went upstairs again, without saying anything more. Sam tightened the grip at his backpack’s strap, as he nodded towards the direction Jo left. “I guess I unpack and take a shower. I’ll eat later.” That being said, Sam went upstairs, too.

Suddenly alone in the corridor, Dean felt lost. He looked around, not sure what he was supposed to do now. After Sam’s words sunk in, he realized, his brother’s plan wasn’t too bad. He didn’t feel like getting in line for the house’s only shower, so he decided to eat whatever Ellen left for them after unpacking his things.

The moment he dropped his backpack on the floor of his room, he sighed deeply. What a wasted day.

The little bag with his tooth brush, tooth paste and a comb he never used anyway landed on his bed, the laundry he tossed over his shoulder, he would collect it on his way out. Before taking off his jacket he noticed he still wore, he rummaged through his pockets – he got hold of his phone, he actually forgot completely about it. He checked it absent-minded, since it was a habit to check his phone every time he pulled it out. Just as he was about to toss it at the bed, too, he froze.

Cas replied.

**_My apologies, I had crossed my fingers that it would go well._ **

**_I hope you arrive home safe and cheer up again fast! Take care._ **

Dean swallowed what felt like a rock sinking in his stomach.

Why?

Why was Cas being so nice to him after he was being such a moron, to his Dad, to Cas himself and every damn day in his life? Why did Cas' message make him feel so good? Dean clenched his fist so tight that he felt his nails digging into the palm’s skin, as he realized he actually smiled, and if only a little, he smiled. How was it even possible for Cas to make him smile with such a short message that barely said anything? It was ridiculous. Dean was about to reply and ask Cas to meet, but before he even started typing, he aborted that idea right away. It wouldn’t happen anyway. Cas surely would never want to meet up in private with Dean ever again and Dean knew why, because this was another thing in his life he screwed up gloriously.

God, what wouldn’t he give for Cas to come over? Even if they would just sit there and peel potatoes, if would feel good. Cas made Dean feel good and Dean hated to admit.

Dean didn’t deserve Cas or feeling good and Cas surely didn’t deserve being ripped apart and crushed.

But still, Dean had manners and hated being rude towards Cas, so he typed a reply.

**_Thanks man for the finger crossing!_ ** **_We just came home safe but_ **

**_I doubt my mood gonna get better. Maybe there some cars to fix._ **

**_How about you anyway?_ **

Dean _really_ hoped that Bobby had something left over for him to do over the weekend. He needed to get busy with something else.

* * *

 

“Ah, Dean. You back.”

Just as he reached deep into the fridge to grab the dish with the “DEAN’S”-post-it on it, he heard Bobby’s voice grumbling behind him. As he got up and turned around, he saw Bobby smiling wide as he cleaned his hands with an oil-stained towel. He didn’t know _it_ yet.

“How did it go? Is John alright?” Dean quickly turned away to avoid Bobby’s eyes, pretending to be busy with the microwave. He couldn’t bear to see the disappointment that was about to spread across Bobby’s face.

“It was, well, as usual. I fucked it up and Sam and Dad started fighting and yeah…” While fumbling with the buttons on the microwave to heat up what turned out to be a big slice of lasagna, Dean tried to sound as casual and carefree as possible, but he knew it was nothing but a lame attempt to conceal the shaking in his voice.

“Dean,” the older man sighed behind him and Dean felt his heart sinking in his chest. He heard Bobby coming closer, but he just stood still there, in front of the microwave and watched the Tupperware-bowl turning and turning. He flinched and pressed his eyelids together, he expected a firm punch on the back of his head or something like that, but as he felt nothing but a tender hand on his shoulder for a second or two, he opened his eyes in surprise.

“Too bad.” Bobby mumbled before heading over to the cabinet, getting himself a glass to fill it with water from the tap. Dean turned around, watching him taking two big sips and putting the glass in to the sink.

“Do you have something to do for me today?” Dean asked, quiet. He needed to be, well, needed. But Bobby only shook his head. “No, boy. Only paperwork.”

Dean crinkled his nose. “Ugh, okay.”

With a tiny nod, Bobby left the kitchen to head back to the garage again.

 

Dean ate alone and in silence in the kitchen. Sam wasn’t seen since he went upstairs and Jo left to meet some friends. He ate so slow that the lasagna was already way too cold to eat, but damn, it was still food and Dean couldn’t be bothered to heat it once again. He was too distracted anyway with a Tetris-session on his phone, finally something that went good that day, as his phone buzzed again and a little envelope-symbol at the top corner told him he got a message. Dean felt like he was coming back to life as he began to smile because he saw Cas was the sender.

**_Too bad to hear that! Hope you got something to do! I’m not_ **

**_up to much actually. Did the chores Naomi had given, so TV maybe._ **

_Seems like everyone feels bored today_ , Dean thought, still smiling because now, he felt a little less alone. It could be so easy to simply invite Cas over, but, well…

“Dean? I’m gonna pick up Ellen and shop groceries with her, so you and Sam take care of the house?” Bobby peaked through the kitchen door, trying to sound casual but concern was still written all over his face.

“Okay,” Dean looked up from his phone, “we’ll protect the castle.”

Bobby eyed Dean carefully before he headed to the front door. “Take care, son.”

“I will,” Dean whispered, knowing Bobby won’t hear him, as the front door shut with a clacking.

Before the feeling of loneliness could hit him again, he picked up his phone again and started typing.

**_Nope,no cars for me today. Everyones gone and Sam wont leave his room._ **

**_What a day… oh my. Sorry, man. Im pathetic._ **

Dean felt actually more than just pathetic to write Cas a message like this, but he couldn’t do anything else. He couldn’t lie or fake it in front of Cas, it would feel too wrong.

Barely a minute passed, before Dean got a reply. Surprised about the prompt answer, he read it quickly. But the content made him pause for a moment.

**_I see, that’s unpleasant, my compassion. May I ask, do you_ **

**_happen to have a tow truck & a permission to drive it?_ **

Dean raised his eyebrows, trying to figure out what that weird kid might have in mind, but he had no idea. Still puzzled, he replied.

**_Sure man, but why? You try to hook up w/ someone?_ **

**_That doesn’t work like that._ **

Somewhat pleased with his own little joke, Dean put the phone aside and got up to put his dishes into the sink. As he kept thinking about what the hell Cas needed a tow truck for, he chew on his bottom lip. He flinched as he bit himself a little harder than he should have.

The buzzing coming from the table made Dean abandon his theories, as he grabbed the phone, hoping to get an explanation.

**_I have no intentions to carry people to my house with a hook?! I guess_ **

**_there’s something wrong with my car. I’d like an expert to have a look on it._ **

**_But there’s surely something that needs to be fixed._ **

_Oh, Cas, you naïve little shit_ , Dean thought to himself as he read the first sentence. But the rest of the message worried Dean – did Cas have an accident? Or trouble while driving? He wanted Cas (and that damn beautiful vehicle he drove) to be safe. Since there was nothing better to do and the whole thing seemed recent and urgent, he decided to get to Cas’ place right away and get his car over to the garage. No matter what it was, the thing can surely be fixed.

“Sam?” Dean shouted out as he left the kitchen. A door upstairs creaked and sloppy stepping sounds approached.

“Huh?” At the top of the stairs, Sam stood still, rubbing his eyes and the hair a complete mess – he must have slept.

“I’m leaving to head over to Cas, something’s with his car. Bobby, Ellen and Jo are gone, too, so it’s now Sam home alone, okay?”

Unimpressed by Dean’s parental speech, Sam just shrugged. “Cool.”

That being said, he went back to his room, Dean heard the door being closed again.

“Good night, Sleeping Beauty!” Dean shouted as he put on his shoes. On his way through the backdoor, straight to the truck that was parked at the garage, he made sure his bunch of keys was inside his pocket – for the first time, Dean understood why Bobby insisted on him having the truck’s key at his key ring.

With some force, he opened the heavy doors of the old, dusty truck and climbed onto the driver’s seat. He reached deep into his pants’ pockets to get his phone.

**_I’m in the truck and coming over._ **

The moment he turned to keys and ignited the engine, his heart started racing a little faster.

* * *

 

From afar, he already saw Cas waiting in front of the carport, leaned against his BMW with his arms crossed. With the trench coat and the expensive car, the dude looked nothing like the high school kid he actually was. But oh well, Dean didn’t mind, his face already hurt from beaming and grinning like an idiot, because damn, how could he even try to still deny it, Cas was his favorite friend.

The moment he heard the sound of the old truck’s roaring engine, Cas looked up and made a step away from his car. He let out a sigh, finally, finally Dean was there. With an unobtrusive wave, he greeted his friend inside the vehicle, which just came up the driveway backwards.

With a hop, Dean got out of the driver’s cabin, still grinning as he came up to Cas, arms wide open. “So, what happened, buddy?”

As soon as Dean started talking, Cas rushed towards him, his forefinger pressed against his lips. “I don’t know, really… let’s just…,” he spoke quietly “… get away here fast.” The way Cas nodded cautiously towards the house told Dean to hurry up.

“No problem, get in the truck, I’ll hook it up.”

Cas quickly followed Dean’s instructions and sat down on the passenger’s seat, kneading his hands in his lap. He prayed and hoped and wished that Naomi was busy enough not to spy in order to find out which mechanic he actually consulted. That choice would be kind of hard to justify reasonably. But to Cas’ relief, Dean joined him very fast.

“So, buddy, what’s going on?” Dean started the engine and made sure he got out of the Milton’s driveway fast.

“The, uhm, engine is making some suspicious noises and I wouldn’t like to drive with that, you know?” The forced smile Cas added made Dean narrow his eyes in suspicion.

“Buddy, when I open up the hood, am I going to find something broken?”

Cas shrugged. “I suppose.”

“And it happened overnight? In the security of your carport? Something in your engine decided to snap?” Dean wasn’t sure if he would be right or wrong with his suspicion and if he should be angry or amused with what he thought his friend did, as Cas held up his arms in defense, like he expected Dean was going to hit him.

“I am sorry Dean! It was horrible at home and I _had_ to do something to get out there, otherwise I would have snapped. And well, I wanted you to have something to do, so…”

“… you shredded your own car on purpose?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry Dean.” Cas closed his eyes as he took a deep breath. Now that the cat was out of the bag, he expected Dean to lash out at him, to shout, to yell, to call out on him, but no. Dean laughed. He laughed loudly, with his whole heart and body, so hard, Cas was afraid they might hit the next tree. But it felt good to know Dean wasn’t mad.

“Cas, you’re unbelievable. Please, don’t ever, ever change.”

That made Cas smile, for the very first time that day.

* * *

 

“Well, I guess that’s gonna be fixed quickly, no big deal. But I have to order some replacements first, we haven’t here what I would need.” Dean scratched the back of his head after a careful inspection of what Cas did to the engine. He was relieved to see it was nothing that would completely wreck the car, but well, he shouldn’t judge – it was not _his_ car.

The good news made Cas finally stand still and smile in relief. Like a father-to-be waiting in front of the labor ward, he kept walking around the garage, the hands tucked behind his back, but now, he calmed down and beamed at Dean with such thankfulness, as if he just gave birth to their baby. “That’s great Dean.”

Dean caught himself getting lost into the blue of Cas’ eyes, he knew he should pull away, look at something different because staring like that was creepy as hell, but he couldn’t. He could watch Cas smile all day, because it reminded him that he actually wasn’t only causing trouble, but sometimes happiness as well.

The grin on Cas’ face changed into an expression of pure contentment as he noticed the way Dean looked at him like he was something Dean had never seen before. And he really liked this expression on Dean’s face – because he rarely saw it, especially not when Dean was looking at someone else.

“Erm, you want something to drink, or something?” Suddenly, Dean was aware, _really_ aware of how awkward their staring contest must have been. He didn’t want Cas to go, but he didn’t want to waste the day by just staring each other down.

“Yes, yes, that would be nice.”

 

From his seat on the kitchen bench, Cas looked around carefully to make sure he didn’t miss a single spot of a place that meant home to Dean. He was so curious and eager to get to know Dean’s daily environment.

“Sorry, it’s a little bit worn-out, but well, it’s a roof above the head, right?” Dean smiled a little helpless before taking another sip from his glass. He noticed Cas’ looks and suddenly, he felt so ashamed, he loved it at the Singer’s and to him it was perfect, but compared to Milton’s mansion, it was nothing but a hut.

“It’s a warm place. I like it.” Cas smiled as he looked down into the glass cupped between his hands.

Dean curled his forehead as he thought about Cas’ words. Cas must feel cold inside this huge mansion. Maybe not literally cold, but well, Dean got that metaphor.

“What are you escaping from today? Naomi?”

Cas nodded hesitantly. “It’s getting harder to breathe around her. Feels like whatever Anna and me are doing, it’s never enough and always wrong.”

“I know that.” Dean sighed, sadly remembering the incident earlier that day.

The fact that Dean simply asked what bothered him assured Cas that it might be alright to ask Dean in return what had been wrong that day. “So,” Cas started, “how was your day so far?”

A huffed laugh came from Dean’s lips as he tried to smile. “Better since you’re around.”

The moment he said that actually out loud, Dean already regretted it, it sounded so weak and stupid. Cas’ expression didn’t make it any better, the dude looked like someone slapped him with a fish.

“Sorry… I mean, that day so far was trash deluxe. I was stupid, Dad was pissed, Sam was bitching… It… it just feels good to have you around.” The way Dean’s voice shook at first told Cas that the topic was a little too delicate to be discussed at a kitchen table, but the smile at the end assured him Dean was honest… and happy. Happy to have Cas there. It was too good to be actually true.

 _This doesn’t feel right_ , Dean realized, after some while where they both finished their drinks. They sat too far from each other, with a table right between them. His heart pounded faster and faster as he thought of luring Cas downstairs, into his room and some many things they could do there came to his mind, but no, no, he didn’t want any of these thoughts. They were good for nothing, they were just taking up too much space in his head. But damn, they were so good, _too_ good.

“Dean? Are you okay?” Cas’ narrowed eyes inspected Dean with care and serious concern.

 _Oh god, this is so embarrassing._ “Sure, sure! Just got… distracted…” Dean’s eyes landed on Cas’ lips, slightly parted and shit, inviting.

It was safer to look somewhere else but Cas’ confused face, otherwise Dean would have lost control fast. He had not the slightest idea why but something about this dude made Dean’s mind almost go blank. Maybe it was the way his heart raced when Cas was near or the way Cas looked at him. Maybe it was because Cas didn’t just let Dean talk and nodded occasionally, no, Cas listened and understood. Maybe, it was the still so clear memories of the way their kisses tasted, so pure and exciting, always different and always just so good.

_Shit, shit, shit._

“Oh, hey Cas,” a sleepy Sammy came stumbling into the kitchen and before yawning extensively, he greeted the guest. Both Cas and Dean watched Sam shambling over to the fridge, where he looked for the Tupperware with his name on.

“You guys comfortable here?” Sam asked without looking at them as he put the bowl up in the microwave.

“Now that you mentioned it… Let’s go,” Dean got up and pulled Cas by the arm to come along with him. He pondered if and how he could get Cas into his room and he was so relieved about Sam’s remark that made him feel not as much of a criminal.

Cas hesitated the moment Dean opened the door down to the basement. “Where are going, Dean?”

“To my room,” Dean winked, proud of his special and very own bedroom. He remembered, he never told Cas about it and that made him even more eager to show him. All the way downstairs towards his door, Dean didn’t let go of Cas’ arm, the warmth beneath the white button shirt felt too good.

Dean breathed in deep before pressing down the door handle, excited and scared to show Cas the most private space he ever had. Cas followed in, making one step after the other and taking in everything around him carefully. Both stood in the middle of the room and Dean waited nervously for any reaction from Cas. He followed the way Cas’ turned his head, suddenly regretting his choice of posters and pictures he ripped out of magazines plastered all over the walls, but after a while, Cas smiled.

“I like this room. It’s a lot like you.”

Hearing this honest opinion made Dean beam like a moron, because he just decided to take it as a compliment. “Thanks, Cas… I guess.”

In his on room, Dean felt brave and so damn confident, like back then in Cas’ room. He felt secure enough to pull Cas closer, he still held onto his arm. Cas gave into the pull, but slowly. He made one step up to Dean, so both faced each other, close enough to feel each other’s breaths against their cheeks. Cas was pretty sure of what was coming, he felt his heart racing faster when saw Dean closing his eyes and his face coming closer, he wanted to follow Dean’s example, he wanted to kiss him again so desperately, but the fear was stronger. He feared what might come afterwards, he feared feeling used and exposed once more and God, how he dreaded seeing Dean with someone else again. It wasn’t just jealousy that made him feel like his insides were burning, it was the feeling, no, the _awareness_ that he was just one of many for Dean, when Dean obviously wasn’t for him.

Dean’s lips almost touched Cas’, but he couldn’t allow that, so Cas made a step back again, pulling his arm out of Dean’s grip. The hurt look at Dean’s face, eyes widened in question and lips parted to form a silent “why” were too much for Cas, so he looked away.

“Dean, no. I’m not into that kind of meaningless-” Cas didn’t get to finish the sentence, Dean now grabbed both of Cas’ wrists, making the slightly shorter one stumble up to him again and just kissed him, he pressed his lips onto Cas’, without thinking further about it. The kiss wasn’t just to make Cas shut up, it should prove that whatever this weird thing was – it was _not_ meaningless. Dean didn’t understand himself, but it made him angry that Cas could even dare to think they had something meaningless going on between them.

“Listen, buddy,” Dean groaned as he pulled away only an inch, far enough to speak but not too far away from Cas, “this is not meaningless. It means a damn lot to me, _you_ mean a fucking much to me, capisce?”

Cas swallowed, he wanted to believe Dean, he wanted to throw his doubts over board, he wanted to kiss these lips again, it made him feel a way he never did before and he was dying to feel again. The sheer urge to feel Dean again almost blocked out all of his common sense.

“I do not capisce why all this kissing is necessary…” Cas spoke out something he was capable of, making Dean let go of him and taking a step back.

“Is it too much? Or disgusting?” Dean suddenly felt fear rushing though his body, causing his legs to shake. His confidence from like ten seconds ago was gone completely. He felt like he was about to collapse. Did he… did he just wreck the last good thing about this day?

“No, no, it’s just… Why do you kiss me and then… another girl?” This thing really confused Cas for so long and without even intending to do so, he spoke it out, that thing that kept him busy for so long. The words seemed to hit Dean unexpectedly, it took him a moment to respond and still, the response was nothing but a shake of his head.

“I don’t know, man, I don’t know.”

They stood there in the middle of the room, staring right into each other’s eyes like they had no idea how many times before. It was silent, way too silent and everything Cas heard was the beating of his pulse resounding in his ears. His heart was still beating faster and faster and he didn’t think it would slow down any time soon. What was going to happen? What was he supposed to do? The fear and sadness in Dean's face didn’t feel good, these lips had to smile and those eyes had to shine again... but still, this weird game they played without even intending to had to end.

With quick steps, he came up to Dean and turned the tables by now grabbing Dean’s wrists as he leaned in closer. “Dean…,” Cas whispered, pulling back as he noticed Dean was going for a kiss, “...decide. Kiss _me_ now and _not_ another girl. Or you don’t kiss me and you’re free to kiss whoever else you want. You're my friend... but this chaos needs to be sort out.”

Though spoken quiet, Cas’ words hit Dean hard. He already guessed, but know he had the confirmation how his actions affected Cas. He didn’t really mind the metaphorical gun pointed at his chest, what made him feel really bad was knowing what he had done to Cas. The only one that made him feel good and he was the one who hurt him. Cas’ blue eyes stared at Dean, they pierced through him, begging him to reply and sort things out, once and for all. There were tears building up, Dean could see clearly and that hurt, that hurt too much. He never wanted Cas to cry, not because of him. He pulled his hands out of Cas’ grip and brought them up to the other boy’s face. Cas must have thought he was going to hit him, he made a step backwards. But Dean caught his face anyway and held it in place as he leaned towards him. He wanted to comfort Cas, to make him feel good again, make him forget the pain. Cas’ eyes and mouth were wide open in shock as Dean leaned in for a kiss. He gently placed his lips onto Cas’ as he pulled him closer to wrap his arms around him, eyes closed to fully enjoy the way those lips felt against his, a little rough but still better than any other lips he had kissed.

After the immediate surprise had settled, Cas decided to simply give into the kiss, relieved that this was how Dean had decided. He closed his eyes, too, and placed his arms around Dean’s hips. His heart was still beating way too fast and he could feel that Dean’s was, too. As they deepened the kiss, they pulled each other closer and closer, until their bodies were pressed against each other almost painfully. The longer the kiss lasted, the rougher it got and quickly, Cas was in full control as he pressed his slightly parted lips onto Dean’s. Dean just allowed Cas to do whatever he wanted, it felt so good and comforting as Cas’ tongue suddenly licked along Dean's lips, curious and careful. Cas felt the other one's lips curling into a smile beneath his own and on his back, he felt hands slowly running up and down. Yes, this was good, really good.

With their bodies pressed together they stood there, arms tightly around each other, their lips onto each other’s and it was just perfect. But after a while of innocent touching and French kissing, both felt like going a little further. They pulled away for air only to look into each other’s eyes with a naughty smirk. Dean grabbed the collar of Cas’ shirt to pull him along with him while making careful steps backwards.

“Let’s get comfortable, huh?” Dean sat down on his bed, still with Cas’ collar in his hands he pulled him down with him, Cas following. Dean let himself fall on his back and Cas climbed on his lap, stealing another kiss.

He had no idea why, but everything about it made Cas feel so good and confident. Being on top of Dean and having him make the promise gave his confidence a massive boost and he didn’t ponder anything before he did it – almost like an animal, he simply followed his instincts. He leaned down for kisses, no more just on Dean’s mouth, but slowly moving down his neck, rewarded with pleased groans. Dean had no idea how Cas was so good at this, but he didn’t complain, he just enjoyed the little kisses and sucks on his skin, but he wanted more, much more.

He moved his hand to the placket of Cas’ shirt and with trembling fingers, he undid the buttons, one after another, desperate to feel the skin underneath it again. Cas stopped in his motions, surprised what Dean was doing.

“Are you okay?” Dean whispered as he fumbled with the last button and pulled the shirt over Cas shoulders and damn, that view was glorious. But the blank stare in Cas’ eyes made Dean doubt his decision immediately – did he go too far? He let out a surprised yelp as Cas tossed the shirt away and grabbed Dean by the shoulders to pull him up and before Dean could even blink, Cas already pulled Dean's t-shirt over his head to throw it away. “Now I am okay.” The smirk on Cas’ face, as if he was so proud of his actions, made Dean breathe in hard to recollect himself. _This man is going to kill me._

Both stayed sitting up and continued to kiss, with their hands running over each other’s chest and back, desperate to touch every inch of exposed skin. Every time he felt Cas’ fingertips running down on his back, Dean shivered with pleasure. It felt so perfect. But still, it wasn’t enough. Like back then in Cas’ room, he felt he was getting hard, the pleasure turning into greed. He didn’t want _more_ , he wanted _everything_ now. He wanted to push Cas down and fuck his brains out, there and now and fast. But a tiny voice of reasoning that still was there, in the back of his head, told Dean to calm down. He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t take Cas’ virginity like it was nothing. He couldn’t be the one to do that, he couldn’t do that. This decision made him try to slow down the pace a little, but Cas didn’t seem to think so. With a firm hand, he pushed Dean back to the bed and climbed between his legs as he leaned down to kiss Dean’s already swollen lips again.

“Cas, hey, hey, hey, slow down a little or we gonna burn out,” Dean laughed between deep breaths, trying to get some air into his lungs and hopefully some oxygen back in his brain before all his common sense was drowned in wanting.

“I don’t mind,” Cas shrugged as he pushed his hips against Dean’s, who moaned at the painful and pleasant sensation.

“Well, I do, certainly,” Dean answered, seriously concerned about the mess that was surely going to happen in his pants if Cas wasn’t going to stop. As if he knew exactly what he was doing, Cas grinded down against Dean’s crotch and went down on his neck to suck at the skin. “Jesus, Cas…” Dean barely could speak as he swallowed hard, too many feelings rushing through his body, he felt every damn pore of his skin prickling. He wasn’t going to last any longer but damn, he had to resist the temptation.

“My name is still not Jesus.” The little hair on his cheeks tingled beneath Cas’ breath as he whispered in Dean’s ear. This kid _must_ know what he was doing, as he ran a hand down Dean’s chest, his nails gently scratching Dean’s skin.

“Cas… what do you have in mind?” Dean smiled because he felt like he just figured out what Cas was planning as he started to roll his hips in a fast pace against Dean’s, who joined without hesitation.

“Uhm, I don’t know what you mean,” Cas mumbled between the kisses he placed against Dean’s collar bone.

“You know exactly, you little shit!” Dean laughed out loud as he grabbed Cas’ tight ass with both his hands to pull him closer, making Cas let out a surprised moan.

“So, you wanna take another step?” With a calm and serious tone Dean asked as he placed his hands on Cas’ belt, as if to signalize what “another step” would look like.

“Worth a try, isn’t it?” As if it was nothing special, Cas replied casually, obviously comfortable with Dean’s hand about to unbuckle his pants.

“Sure… But….” Tired of Dean’s blabbering, Cas placed his forefinger against Dean’s lips.

“No ‘buts’, please. I’m good with that as long as you are.” The way Cas pressed his lips together in a slim line and narrowed his eyes was somewhat intimidating, but in a good way, Dean thought.

“Let me know when you cha-“ Before he could finish the sentence, Cas already cut him off by pressing his lips forcefully down onto Dean’s, who took this action as a permission to do as he pleased, so he opened the belt and the zipper of Cas’ pants. Both boys held in their breaths. Suddenly, Cas doubted his choice, maybe he was a little too poisoned by sheer lust. He knew it was a natural reaction to the current happenings, but he was suddenly so aware and so ashamed of his erection. What if Dean did not, well, react like _this_? What if Dean would laugh or be disgusted?

Dean breathed out as he pulled Cas’ pants down. It reminded him of the first time he undressed a girl, of his cluelessness and helplessness because he had no idea what he was supposed to do – like this time. White, loose boxer shorts didn't really hide Cas’ hardness, Dean noticed quickly. Without thinking twice about it, Dean opened the fly of his own jeans and tugged it down, while Cas watched, dumbfounded.

“What?” Dean laughed, a little helpless, as he collected both their pants and tossed them down to where the shirts laid. “I’m one for equality.” Cas smiled, but in fact, Dean lied, since he only did it because he hoped it would feel less awkward when they both admitted they had boners.

A littler shyer than before, Cas leaned down again, but stopped an inch in front of Dean’s face, as if he suddenly was aware that they were basically naked and both _very_ aroused – what was he supposed to do now? What did Dean expect?

“Dean…,” he mumbled, not aware he actually said it out loud, as Dean wrapped his arms tighter around him, pulling him closer.

“It’s okay, Cas, everything is okay,” Dean kissed Cas’ trembling lips as he gently pushed his hips up again, reassuring Cas that he wasn’t the only one who was feeling both aroused and awkward.

In Dean’s embrace, Cas relaxed. He allowed Dean to push him over and roll on top of him instead, Cas himself felt too insecure and clueless to be the one topping. He responded to Dean’s motions, he felt Dean's erection rubbing against his own and let out gasps and moans because it felt better than he could ever expect. It felt somewhat like when he touched himself in the shower or at night in bed, but only much, much better. How must actual intercourse even feel like? This thought made Cas tremble, the idea was almost too much for him. Dean’s hands ran up and down his sides, his lips caressed Cas’ and their hips kept grinding and rolling against each other, faster and faster. The shame was completely replaced by curiosity and lust. Both wanted to know how much better it could feel.

Dean felt how close he was – hearing Cas’ fast breath and little moans between kisses were almost enough to push him over the edge. But he didn’t want to, not yet, not before Cas didn’t. He focused instead on the kisses he gave and his hands against Cas’ soft skin, but the moment he felt Cas thrusting faster, with more force, his wanting won. He held tightly onto Cas’ hipbones as he started to grind harder and faster against Cas in response, feeling a turmoil building up inside his boxers, about to explode but still under control. But the moment Cas widened his eyes and let out a loud moan, Dean was lost – one, two thrusts and all the tension that was built up so far was released as he shouted Cas’ name in response.

He collapsed onto the mattress, next to Cas. They were unable to say anything, still trying to catch their breaths and struck by an unexpectedly overwhelming orgasm. Cas’ chest raised up and down unsteadily and Dean felt like his cheeks were about to burst.

As Dean noticed Cas’ breathing calmed to a normal pace, he rolled on his side and placed his arm across Cas’ chest as he came closer. Cas reciprocated the embrace by rolling on his side, too, to face Dean.

“That was… unforeseen.” Cas breathed out trough smiling lips, but Dean didn’t reply. He waited for his usual urge to escape to come through, but no, he didn’t feel the need to get dressed and chase Cas out fast. He didn’t feel like making a witty remark and fishing for his clothes on the floor. He didn’t want Cas to leave. This wasn’t like the usual sexual encounters Dean had. This didn’t feel like parting. Instead, he pressed his whole body against Cas and wrapped his upper arm around Cas’ shoulder, to pull him closer, so close he almost crushed him. He wanted Cas closer than even possible. He wanted Cas to be with him. Though Dean was tired and exhausted, he didn’t want to close his eyes, he wanted to stare in Cas’ eyes that watched him curiously. He placed a chaste kiss on Cas’ lips, not breaking eye-contact. He was afraid to look away or close his eyes – he feared that Cas might be gone and this all would only turn out to be a dream. The stinging blue eyes fell shut after a few minutes, Cas’ breathing was calm and steady and with a smile, Dean ran a finger across Cas’ cheek. Maybe, maybe, they could stay like this forever if neither of them moved.


	11. Beware Of The Flames

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! :)
> 
> Thank you for checkig out today's new chapter, I hope you'll enjoy it, it actually was fun to write. I loved the cameos of two characters that hadn't appeared so far in the story and guess who's back at the end...? (Evil laughter and organ music in the background)  
> Anyway, I'm wishing you lots of fun and hope to see you guys again next week! :D

Orange sunbeams on his wall let Dean know that the sun was already setting - it must have gotten late in the meantime, but he couldn’t care less.

Since Cas fell asleep in his embrace, Dean didn’t move an inch. He didn’t want to interrupt Cas’ peaceful slumber and risk to miss even if only a second of this. Seeing him there in his arms, fast asleep, breathing calm and snoring quietly was the best thing Dean had seen in a while. It was such a disgustingly sappy situation but damn, he beamed like a moron as he wiped one of the untamable hair streaks out of Cas’ face, who replied with another loud snort. It was surprising, even to himself, that he truly enjoyed laying down side by side with someone while doing nothing else but watching said someone sleep. He had never even thought about doing this with someone, but then again, he had never thought he could meet someone like Cas.

“Is it night yet?” A drowsy voice broke the silence that comforted them both like a blanket, making Dean smile even wider.

“No, no, not yet. Guess it’s around six?” Dean didn’t really bother about the exact time, but Cas’ eyes suddenly snapped open, as he sat up, wide awake.

“Seriously?” Still affected by the sleepiness, Cas looked around, piecing together the last memories and trying to find his clothes. This panicking reaction was not what Dean expected when Cas woke up – he didn’t like to be pushed aside.

“What’s wrong with the time? Afraid to miss _Sesame Street_? Spoiler alert, today is about the letter C – like _chill_ _out_ , buddy.” A witty remark was Dean’s way of choice to handle the sudden downer. Cas turned around to look at Dean, bewildered and not really understanding what Dean actually was talking about. “ _Wha_ \- no. No, it’s because of Naomi… she’s going to strangle me.” Cas almost stumbled over his own tongue as he spoke, seriously afraid of whatever Naomi was going to come up with as a punishment, he shivered as he remembered what happened to Gabriel the one time…

“Calm your tits.” Unimpressed by Cas’ panic, Dean grabbed his arm to pull the other boy back down to him, but Cas only gave him a serious glare. “Dean, this is no drill. She-“

“-will be pissed either way. If you go back now or in an hour, does it matter?” Dean pulled Cas closer as he spoke and kissed him as if to put an exclamation mark to his words. Dean had a point there, Cas had to admit. He sighed as he laid down on the pillow again, facing Dean, who came closer to place another soft kiss on Cas’ lips.

“Convinced to stay?” Dean smiled as he pulled away to see Cas’ reaction.

He smiled at the pissed-off expression on Cas’ face, as he pulled Dean back for another kiss. “Yes. I’d like to postpone my death as far as possible.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Stop being such a drama queen.” With a long lasting and sloppy kiss, Dean made sure Cas wouldn’t object – and it worked. Both gave into the kiss and quickly, their hands started wandering across each other’s skin again. Dean traced his fingers along Cas’ breastbone as he felt nails gently scratching his lower back. Dean smiled as he realized how happy this made him. It was completely silent and they didn’t even have sex and yet, he felt good, _really_ good. Maybe it wasn’t always bad to let people come closer, it didn’t always have to be the first step towards self-destruction.

Cas’ nails were getting braver as they scratched a little harder and Dean replied with a bite into Cas’ bottom lip. “You’re hungry, huh?”

Cas didn’t say anything while he climbed between Dean’s legs. He smiled as he hovered above the surprised green eyes that watched him carefully. The dark haired boy was wide awake again and eager to find out how good a second round would feel like. Just as he was about to lean down for a kiss, Cas noticed a buzzing coming from the floor, more precisely, out of his pockets pants. He felt his heart skipping a beat – this was not good. He stopped in his motions and stared down to his pants.

“Is everything – oh crap, is that…?” Dean stuttered, slowly comprehending why Cas’ phone buzzing wasn’t a good thing.

Terrified to even consider who this could be, Cas leaned down to fumble in his pockets and breathed out as he saw Anna’s name on the screen. Relieved, he answered the call with a smile. “Hello, Anna. What’s the matter?”

“Where are you, _boy_?” Surprised by the angry and loud tone of his sister’s voice, Cas pulled the phone away from his ear.

“I’m at Dean’s,” he spoke before Anna cut him off again.

“So he’s the mechanic you called? Oh my goodness. Naomi is basically steaming with anger. When you’re coming home? It’s hard to hold her back any longer.”

“I can’t drive,” Cas explained, “my car will be fixed next week.”

“Okay, okay,” Anna seemed to contemplate what to do, “Guess it’s safest when I pick you up. I hope you know that I risk my pretty head for you.”

Cas smiled, knowing _very_ good what Anna was getting herself into – for him. “Thank you.”

Anna snorted. “Thank me later. Give me time, there’s still laundry left to iron and a dragon named Naomi to tame. Bye, big brother!”

Without waiting for Cas’ reply, Anna hung up. Impatiently, Dean poked Cas’ hip. “What’s up?”

“Anna will come and get me… and then, Naomi will burn both of us alive.” Cas sighed and Dean sat up as well, giving the basically dead man a pat on his hanging shoulders.

“Chin up, buttercup. You gonna be fine. I don’t understand why she so controlling, anyway.” Dean shook his head, he had no clue about children upbringing at all, but he was pretty sure that imprisonment hadn’t of much educational value.

“I guess she still has high hopes for the youngest Miltons to turn out good children.” Cas shrugged and suddenly, Dean realized the sadness in those blue eyes that peaked up at him through the even messier-than-usual bed head. It must suck to be Castiel.

The sadness that poisoned the room made Dean feel sick, he leaned his head against Cas’ chest. “Sorry I lured you down the rabbit hole. Now the Queen of Hearts will chop off your head.”

“Who?” He thought hard, but Cas didn’t understand the metaphor Dean was using, the only Queen of Hearts he ever heard of belonged in a deck of playing cards – and he could try as hard as he wanted, he couldn’t see the connection between his situation, card games and… rabbits?

“The Queen of – never mind.” Dean already figured, Cas didn’t know _all_ of the movies he had seen. Another thing he should fix soon. But at least, the kid knew who Jigsaw, Michael Myers and Freddy Krueger were - that was already too much of a miracle. Dean couldn’t help but to giggle like a teenage girl at the thought of showing Cas movies in his room, when they sat like this, on his bed… He was turning in to a cliché, he knew, but fuck it, it was okay so far.

“Dean?” A distant voice shouted, presumably coming from the door leading down to the basement.

The one being called bumped his head against Cas chest with a sigh before pushing him away in order to get up. “Gotta check before they burst in. This would be a pain in the ass to explain.”

On his way to the door, Dean collected his clothes and while walking, he stepped into his pants. He pulled his shirt over his head and opened the door only to a narrow creak to make sure no one would see the barely dressed Cas in the background.

“Yeah?” Dean answered.

“Dinner’s ready. You coming?” Sam came up to the door, but stopping halfway. “You’re hiding something, huh?”

“What? What, no, no.” Dean stuttered, but winced as he heard a loud bump coming from behind him.

“Was that Cas?” Sam pointed at the door, referring to whatever Dean tried to keep out of Sam’s sight.

“I guess so, yeah. Anyway, we’re coming, tell them,” Dean quickly shut the door before Sam could get a little too curious – or before Cas was going shred the room.

With his back pressed against the door, as if to avoid intruders to come in, Dean sighed loudly as he watched Cas humping into his pants. The still open shirt hanging down from Cas’ shoulders revealed a chest Dean shouldn’t be staring at like a thirsty school girl. He wasn’t _that_ desperate.

“Guess you heard it… Dinner’s ready.”

“It’s okay, Dean. I’ll wait here.” Cas didn’t look up to Dean as he spoke, busy fumbling with the buttons.

“Wait?” Dean snorted. This kid was either obtuse or simply refusing to get the hint. “Dude, you coming up. You need to wait for Anna to pick you up anyway.”

Cas suddenly stood still like a deer in the headlights. “You mean…”

“Yes, I mean. Don’t be afraid – Ellen’s the best cook in the world.” Dean winked and held up both his thumbs to support his words, but Cas still was hesitating.

“Is it okay… if I join…?”

Dean had to make a step up to Cas to hear his fragile voice talking too quiet. “Dude,” Dean smiled amused, “Ellen wanted you to come over for a while now. She’s eager to meet you.”

Since Cas still wasn’t convinced to move, Dean walked up to him and gave him a push which made Cas stumble forwards. “Move.”

With heavy steps, Cas followed Dean upstairs into the kitchen. He felt his heart racing again, but this time, it was pumping pure agony through his veins. He had no clue what was going to happen or what he was supposed to do. He never ate with another family. Sure, he knew how to behave as a well-mannered young man, but would that be of much use?

“Ah, there you are!” Cas sent a short mental prayer up to Heaven as he heard an unfamiliar female voice greeting Dean who opened the door to the corridor. The moment he crossed the threshold he knew, it was too late to turn around and run back to Dean’s room. It was getting darker outside every minute, Cas could see through the windows as he followed Dean to the kitchen, the only illuminated spot in the house. Dishes clacked and voices chatted, one of them must be Sam, the other was surely Jo. He made the sign of the cross as he followed Dean into the kitchen.

“This is Cas – _Castiel_ ,” Dean gestured towards the boy entering behind him, who tried his best to smile but somehow only managed to bare his teeth as he waved hesitantly at the two adult strangers – _those must be the Singers_.

“Ah, Castiel! It’s so nice to finally meet you.” The woman got up from her chair to walk up to Cas. He was too surprised to step back, so he just shook the hand that she held up to him. Her smile was honest and welcoming, her warm eyes looked at Castiel in a way he remembered his own mother used to do.

“Thank you, Mrs. Singer – I can only return the compliment. My pleasure.” His mouth moved and the words were spilled out automatically, but they made her smile grow wider anyway.

“Oh, please, don’t be so formally – call me Ellen.”

Cas felt sweaty palms wrapping around his other hand and pulling him to the table. “Enough ass-kissing now,” Dean mumbled under his breath.

A chair creaked and the man who must be Mr. Singer got up to lean over the table, hand held up to Cas, who was about to sit down at the only free spot between Dean and Ellen.

“I’m Bobby. Thank you for taking care of the idjits.” Though the man was more grunting than actually talking, Cas felt in the tight way he squeezed his hand that the man was good at heart.

“I give my best,” Cas replied, making Bobby smile.

“Blah, blah, blah,” Dean grabbed the fabric of Cas’ pants to pull him down. Cas noticed that Dean kneaded his hands beneath the table – he must be nervous. But why? Did Cas do something wrong? Just as the anxiety was gone and he felt like he was able to make it through dinner, the fear came back.

Before he could sink deeper into contemplation about possible mistakes he could have already made, Ellen’s words were like a lifebelt to pull him out.

“So you’re in Dean’s year, right?”

Surprised about the initiated conversation, he nodded silently before answering.

“Yes, yes… we share most classes.”

He spoke more towards his still empty plate than Ellen, but from the corner of his eyes he could see that she was smiling.

“That’s wonderful. Dean likes you, he’s talking so much about you.”

With the spoon clacking against the porcelain, Dean filled a giant pile of mashed potatoes up to Cas’ plate.

“I am _not_.” Cas could see the brunette next to him blushed up to the ears, what made Cas smile and feel a little easier again.

“Anyway,” Dean cleared his throat before looking up to Bobby, “Cas’ car is in the garage, we need to order some new pieces for the engine.”

In disbelief, Bobby looked up at Dean before his stare went over to Cas, who swallowed hard as Bobby’ eyes locked with his own. Now the fallout he dreaded was going to happen, surely Bobby would scold him for what he did to his car – but Bobby’s glare turned into a smile.

“The BMW is yours?”

Proud but still restrained due to his nervousness, Cas smiled. “Yes.”

Impressed but still incredulous, Bobby nodded. “It’s a good car. Be good to it.”

“I – I will,” Cas said as he looked down at his plate again, watching Dean filling it up with more food – peas and a slice of beef. Cas’ answer made Dean only snort, since he knew pretty well what Cas had done earlier that day.

Cas was surprised to see that everyone started eating right away – no one paused for a prayer or waited until everyone was served. It felt good to see that not everyone was living by the rules that were forced up to him – somehow, he wondered about them himself. He just accepted them but now, they seemed so ridiculous. Did God really care whether or not they repeated loudly the same words toward him before eating or not?

“So the meeting with John didn’t go well?” Ellen’s question made the brothers lower their heads before they shook them simultaneously. She sighed. “Too bad.”

Cas wasn’t sure if it was because he was there but the delicate topic of the Winchester’s father was quickly dropped. Instead, they casually talked about little things about their day and Cas knew, it was simply small talk – it wasn’t about the content of whatever they were saying, it was about being together as a family. He couldn’t help but to smile as he looked around to see everyone was happy and honestly interested in the others.

An elbow in his side made him jump in his seat. “Dude, your food’s gonna get cold. You better eat. I’m not gonna feed you,” Dean whispered – and he was right. Cas was too fascinated to see a family so different and so much happier than his own that he had totally forgotten to eat. Even the food was different here – it wasn’t sickish healthy or tasteless like Naomi’s cooking. It was simple and yet the most delicious thing he ever ate. It wasn’t plain or overloaded with spices and herbs and what not else Naomi thought was “good” - instead, he loved the simple, pure taste of Ellen’s food that tasted like what it actually was. The longer he sat there and the more he ate, the more comfortable he got. Nobody at the table cared about the way he chew or if his back was straight as he sat and foremost, nobody cared about his grades and effort at school. Having a family like this must feel good.

“Everything okay?” Dean leaned over to Cas as Sam and Jo collected the empty plates, Bobby and Ellen taking the rest of the dishes after finishing dinner. Cas’ silent nod made Dean smile so wide that the skin around his bright green eyes crinkled. “Awesome.”

Hearing the hustle and bustle all around him in the kitchen made Cas uncomfortable. “Shouldn’t we help them?” The sound of a damp cloth hitting the table made both boys look up in surprise. “No way, young man, you’re our guest!” Ellen lifted her forefinger menacingly but winked at the same time, as she wiped the table with the other hand.

Dean bit his lips as he watched Cas, smiling contently to himself. He had feared he might have been a little too eager with pushing Cas into a social situation like this, but it seemed like it turned out alright. Cas was calm and it didn’t seem like he felt the urge to escape. His little smile made Dean’s heart flutter and if he hadn’t been so self-aware he would have wrapped his arms around Cas, happy because he looked so stupid with his stupid smile on his stupid face.

Just as he was about to ask Cas if they should go back into his room, Dean heard a loud car horn honking twice.

“This must be Anna,” Cas whispered and Dean had a hard time trying to hide his disappointment.

“Seems like this was Cinderella’s bell telling her it’s midnight,” Dean announced loud enough for everyone to hear, making them turn around. “Say goodnight, Cas,” Dean grunted as he pushed said one out of the kitchen.

“Bye, Cas! Come back again soon!” Ellen shouted and Cas wanted to reply, but Dean pushed him further along the corridor, then against the front door and crushed their lips together. Dean had no clue why, but he simply felt like doing so and nobody saw it anyway. Before Cas could even understand what happened, Dean already pulled away and held out the trench coat he grabbed as they passed the coat hooks. “See you on Monday I guess?”

Cas took the trench coat and put it on before he kneeled down to put on his shoes. “I think so, yes.” Dean felt all of his blood rushing downwards into his pants as he realized _how_ close Cas’ face was to his crotch. God no, these thoughts were of no use at all right now. Thankfully, Cas was quickly done with his shoe laces and got up again.

Cas stared into Dean’s eyes, his lips quivered as he looked for the right words to say, when Dean punched his chest. “Thanks, man.”

Before Cas could ask _for what_ , he heard the car horn once more. “I guess I should go now,” Cas smiled helpless, Dean nodded in reply.

He reached out behind Cas to press the door handle down and he was so damn tempted to swing his arms around him again, but he decided to open up the door without any distraction instead. “See you then,” Dean almost whispered as Cas stepped out on the porch, turning around once more to wave at Dean. It sucked to watch Cas leave. It felt so wrong.

Before he would actually do what his mind told him, namely running after Cas, Dean quickly shut the door. He banged his forehead at the hard wood as he leaned against the door, trying to find some grip, something that would keep him from falling. He smiled because he knew how pathetic he was – he should know better. But still, it felt like Cas was the seam that held him together - and without Cas, there wasn't much left to keep him in one piece.

“You’ll see him again, Romeo.” The snickering voice behind him made Dean clench his fist.

“What?” He turned around, ready to punch into his brother’s smile, but something stopped him. There wasn’t just taunting, Dean saw a trace of something else – this wasn’t Sam’s triumphant brat-face.

“It’s not _that_ long ‘till Monday.” Sam shrugged, but his face told Dean that this kid had something else in mind than just teaching him about the order of the weekdays.

“What do you mean?” Dean made a step up to Sam, eyeing him carefully for a hint of what he _really_ was talking about. Looking into Sam’s eyes got a lot easier during the last one and a half years where Sam basically grew an inch per day – both brothers were soon to be the same height.

“Dean – I _heard_ you,” Sam whispered as he came one step closer, “I went downstairs earlier and thank whoever that it was me and not Bobby, Ellen or Jo.”

Dean was bedazzled, shocked, confused, afraid, speechless and so much more, all at once – _what_ did Sam…?

“You…?”

“Yes,” Sam pressed his eyes together, trying to block out images that kept popping up in his head, “I don’t give a crap about it, you know? Just don’t rip him apart. Not him.”

He punched his brother’s shoulder and made a step back to turn around, heading upstairs. It took a moment for Dean to let all of this sink in, but as soon as he figured he _might_ have understood, he looked up.

“Sam?”

The younger Winchester looked down from top of the stairs and raised an eyebrow. “Huh?”

“Thanks,” Dean smiled.

Sam shrugged again. “For what?”

* * *

 

Back in his room, Cas sighed as he closed the door.

He was glad that Anna didn’t ask any questions since she was an escapist as well and surely understood his actions, but Naomi was very hard to calm down. She was furiously shouting at him for he had no idea _how_ long actually and still, Cas didn't feel like he was getting the proper punishment for his misconduct. He lied, he almost wrecked his car and he had been indecent with Dean. He deserved more than shouting and a week of being grounded for that.

He was feeling guilty for his misbehaving, but still, he couldn’t regret it. It felt too good. He smiled as he remembered all those things that happened – he had some expectations, but reality was so much better. It had been the best day in a very, very long time, not just because of the kisses and the other things that made Cas blush every time he thought of them, but also because of the dinner with the Singers. It was a shame that he felt better with a family that was not his own.

Though he was not allowed to leave the house until Monday morning, he didn’t feel too bad. He had good memories to keep him smiling and even better outlooks to look forward to, he was very sure.

He went to bed with a smile as he realized his hands still smelled like the scent of Dean’s warm and sweaty skin.

* * *

 

Sunday was an awfully boring day.

Dean didn’t even want to leave his bed and if it hadn’t been for his raging and growling stomach that insisted to be fed, he would have mostly likely just stayed between the sheets. He had nothing to do and the smell that still lingered on his pillows was too inviting to refuse. If he closed his eyes and let his sleepy mind drift away far enough, he could bury his face into his pillow and pretend it was Cas’ chest. But the more awake he was, the more he noticed that this idea was actually really creepy. But it was a fact that he wouldn’t have minded waking up next to Cas. He didn’t know why but the thought comforted him.

He felt so good as he cuddled back into the pillow and let his hands wander down his body towards his crotch, where he felt he was getting harder. He palmed his growing erection and let out some quiet and very pleased moans as he started rubbing faster. He increased the pressure and imagined it would be Cas’ and not his own hand causing so much pleasure. He found his way into his boxers and damn, it felt so good and if he kept his eyes closed, it _really_ almost felt like the day before with Cas down there. His moans slowly became words – “ _Cas_ … _Cas_!”

Suddenly, Dean sat up, suddenly, he was wide awake and suddenly, he was _very much_ aware of what he just did – did he fantasize about Cas while jerking off?

Really?

A nerd in a trench coat?

And this fantasy was even better than every issue of _Busty Asian Beauties_? This was something that Dean had to get used to first.

With a loud groan, he tossed the blanket away and stomped upstairs. He needed a shower. A very long one.

* * *

 

Being forced to stay indoors was much more boring and exhausting than Cas had it imagined to be.

He wasn’t that much outside anyway, but knowing that he _had_ to stay inside made it hardly endurable – he wasn’t allowed to go out for a run and even the backyard was forbidden territory. And to make it all so much worse, that day was a warm and wonderfully sunny day. Slowly, Cas understood why Balthazar and Gabriel were horribly moody and grumpy teenagers. There had barely been a time when they were _not_ grounded and being imprisoned in this golden cage affected Cas’ mood already after only a few hours.

“ _Ah_!”

A wide smile appeared on his face as he remembered he still had Dean’s _Star Wars_ -DVDs. He jumped off his bed and tossed the tennis ball he played with aside to get the DVD-box out of his bag. Since he had nothing else to do and felt like he deserved something to cheer himself up, he popped the first movie in, curious to get another glimpse into Dean’s world.

* * *

 

With a weird feeling somewhere between his waistband and ribcage, Dean drove to school on Monday.

This thing between him and Cas reached a stage that seriously scared him, now even more than already before. He started to enjoy it and actually even to be comfortable with it. This couldn't be good. 

Why did he have to kiss him, anyway? 

Not just on Saturday, but in general. What was there about this boy that Dean couldn’t see – literally – straight anymore? After letting the happenings going through his mind again and again, he wondered how he should behave from now on. With his kiss, he agreed to keep off other girls, at least in the near future. But who was Cas to tell Dean what to do and why the hell did Dean agree? Anyway, Cas surely wouldn’t give a crap soon about Dean’s lips being on whoever anymore. And then again, his last encounters with chicks all ended up in a medium-level catastrophe, so he was alright with staying away from girls for a while.

Not being involved in anything with anyone might help him to calm down and choose more wisely in the future.

Extraordinarily unenthusiastic, even for Monday morning, Dean dragged his feet on his way to Chemistry class, his least favorite of all his classes. He didn’t just dislike it, he _loathed_ it – he had no idea why he needed to know how which chemical reacted to what. It was boring and completely unnecessary. Plus, he hated the smell of these rooms, he hated those complicated formulas and foremost – the Bunsen burner. Being too close to anything that burned freaked him out.

He felt like an extra in a bad zombie-movie with his heavy steps and loud groans as he entered the class room – but within the blink of an eye, he was brought back to life. It only needed the back of a certain dark-haired head that he could make out in the corner of the room for his heart to race and pump so painfully hard he thought he had a heart attack. Cas was already there, without a trench coat and the sleeves of his white shirt rolled up as he ruffled his hair before sitting down. He only ran a hand through his hair and sat down, so why did this look like obscene porn to Dean?

Forcing himself to think of anything but Cas in boxer shorts (and failing miserably to do so), Dean made his way to the back row, to the table Cas already occupied.

“ ’Morning,” Dean let himself fall on the chair next to Cas. As he looked around he noticed the trench coat laid carefully fold up on the windowsill and the enemy Bunsen was already set up in the middle of the table. Great.

“Good morning to you as well.” The tone in Cas’ voice was way too happy for Monday morning Chemistry class – but then again, the more complicated and hated by Dean, the more Cas would love it, so he surely was just happy about having to burn and analyze chemicals.

The fact that Dean only replied with a tired smile that barely brought up the corner of his lips made Cas curl his forehead in question.

“Is something troubling you, Dean?” Cas asked, frowning as he tried to decipher Dean’s expression. To get this topic done as fast as possible, Dean just shook his head. “Nope, I’m fine,” he said with a wink, but Cas still wasn’t convinced. As he was about to open his mouth, Dean grabbed his thigh and pressed it firmly. “I am okay, okay? Anyway, why are you smiling – it’s not because of Miss Abaddon, isn’t it?” Dean nodded towards the teacher who just entered the classroom – even though she was still young and definitely pretty, Dean couldn’t help but to dislike Miss Abaddon. Her long red hair was styled into an updo and her black clothes were way too tight fitting for a teacher - but Dean knew, most students thought that made her look "hot" and he assumed that she was very well aware of that fact.

The moment she stepped behind the desk, everyone went quiet immediately, too afraid to tease her. Her punishments were legendary and Dean was sure she only became a teacher because she hated teenagers. Her red lips smiled menacingly as she greeted the class. “Good morning – I planned something fun for you today.”

Dean rolled his eyes, knowing that her understanding of "fun" was very different from his own. 

And he was proved right – studying the reaction of different chemicals to fire surely was not on his list of favorite pastimes. As usual during experiments, Cas was the executor and Dean the bitch with the notepad.

Cas fumbled with the lighter, trying to light up the Bunsen burner, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t ignite the flame properly. Dean mentally crossed his fingers that this stupid thing would keep on refusing to catch fire, but Cas didn’t give up. He muttered swears under his breath and clicked the lighter in the one hand, while the other hand turned the tiny wheel to open the air hole wider – a little _too_ wide.

A darting flame spurted upwards and Dean tossed his notepad aside to pull Cas away.

Though being pulled away, Cas reached out to shut the air hole and the flame extinguished. Some students noticed the noise coming from them and turned around only to laugh at Dean clinging to Cas like a chick during a horror movie.

“Dean,” Cas cleared his throat, “are you alright?” He was glad that whatever just happened was unnoticed by most but nevertheless, Dean’s reaction concerned him.

Wide-eyed, Dean stared at the Bunsen burner as if he still wasn’t sure if it was _really_ shut, before he nodded and let go of Cas, slowly. He felt his heart pounding frantically with fear. He still breathed heavily as he took the notepad Cas collected from the ground.

“What is wrong, Dean?”, Cas whispered as he noticed Dean’s hands were shaking. “It was nothing serious – I only opened the air hole too wide by accident – nothing would have happened.” He spoke calmly, trying to comfort Dean who looked like he had just seen a ghost. Sure, the flame could have burned him, but not in an alarming manner, plus, he was reasonable, so most likely, nothing would have happened at all – so why did Dean react like this? He knew that Dean was a caring person, but this was still an overreaction.

Exhaling loudly, Dean leaned back in his chair, trying to recollect himself. He had been scared. And he still was. Seeing the flame becoming so big was one thing, but seeing it being so close to Cas was simply too much. Cas must now think that Dean was a complete madman, but that wasn’t important, as long as Cas was safe. He couldn’t bring himself to think what would have happened if the flame was bigger, or Cas or himself slower… it was too much. He felt a firm grip around his still shaking and sweating hand and as he looked up, he saw that Cas smiled at him. He returned the smile, feeling a little easier but still he wished he could leave this room right now.

Cas was happy to see Dean smile, but still, his body was stiff and uneasy. The flame must have triggered something, Cas assumed. He glanced around – no one cared about them and Miss Abaddon was busy grading exam papers at her desk. He decided to call it a Chemistry class and shut the gas supply beneath their table.

“What are you-“ Dean couldn’t believe what he saw, but before he could say anything more, he saw Cas raising his forefinger. “Hush. Nobody notices.”

“Thanks,” Dean replied quietly with a little smile appearing on his face again.

The class went by fast. Dean couldn’t help but to feel guilty, but as he saw that Cas scribbled down some results anyway, he shook his head. This nerd already knew _everything_. After being nudged in the sides, he copied Cas’ answers quickly – at least they had something written down and Dean was sure, the shit was even completely correct. The moment he heard the bell finally ring, he let out a sigh of contentment as he stuffed his things into his backpack.

He watched Cas packing his things as well and reaching out for the trench coat, but Dean stopped him as he saw Cas was about to put it on.

“Don’t,” he said, “let’s see how you look without it.”

“Dean, no.” Cas pushed Dean’s hand away and wrapped the beige cloth around him. “I like it this way.”

He stomped past Dean, both ashamed that he turned down Dean’s wish and uncomfortable with the thought of being without the protective layer of fabric.

With a shrug, Dean followed and caught up with Cas in the hallways quickly. Side by side they walked up to the next classroom and among the loud voices talking and laughing they were the only ones not saying a single word. In silent agreement they entered the class room and sat down in the back row again.

Throughout the following classes, Dean didn’t really pay any attention. His eyes always went back to Cas to check if he _really_ was okay and if he _really_ didn’t have any burns somewhere. He knew, he was overreacting and Cas was clever to stay far enough away from the flame, but still… he couldn’t stand to see fire. And probably, he never will.

The bell announcing the lunch break was the best fucking thing Dean heard all day and even Cas let out a sigh.

“You coming?” Out in the hallways, Dean pointed behind him, towards the doors leading out to the schoolyard, but Cas nodded into the opposite direction. “I have to go somewhere else first.”

“Crap or piss?” Dean asked dryly, making Cas lift his hands to shut Dean up.

“ _Urinate_ – and hush, there are so many people here,” Cas ranted under his breath as he walked up to the restrooms, Dean following.

“Dude, all of these people have to piss sometimes!”

“Dean!”

As he leaned against the white tiles Dean couldn’t help but to laugh as Cas thrust his bag in Dean’s hands and disappeared into one of the cabins.

“Hey, why being so shy? There are plenty of urinals.” Cas was so cute when he was shy. And so much fun to tease.

“I am not being shy, I simply prefer privacy.”

“But you _can_ pee when someone’s around?”

“Of course.”

“But I don’t hear anything.”

“Dean!”

“What?” Dean bit his tongue to keep himself from laughing out loud.

“Your distraction is… distracting.”

“Well roared, lion.”

“Dean! Shut up.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I should be all quiet.”

“Exactly.”

“Otherwise I couldn’t hear you piss.”

“I am serious, Dean. You make me nervous.”

The sheer despair in Cas’ voice was simply too ridiculous.

“Sorry Cas. But… one thing…”

“Yes?”

“Do you piss standing up or sitting down?”

He heard a loud sound coming from the cabin and couldn’t hold back anymore, Dean laughed out so hard he barely could keep standing up. He slid down the wall as he saw the door opening up again, revealing a very, _very_ angry Cas.

He ran a hand through his hair as he pressed his lips together and breathed in deep, trying to calm himself instead of shouting at Dean, who just collected himself from the ground.

“I am sorry, but it – “ Dean’s words suddenly got lost somewhere between his brain and mouth as he looked carefully at Cas – this pissed-off face actually looked… hot.

Without thinking about it, he pushed Cas back into the cabin and locked the door behind them.

Before Cas could ask what Dean was doing, he heard their bags drop and felt Dean’s arms around him, pulling their bodies closer together.

“You’re horrible,” Dean whispered before he placed his lips carefully on Cas’. The rough lips against his own felt so good, so assuring and hotter than Dean could handle at school. But he didn’t want to care, he wanted to feel Cas and the way the other one leaned into the kiss told him Cas wasn’t caring much about the fact that they were at school either. Scratching fingers ran over his scalp and made him shudder and in return, he pushed his tongue through Cas’ lips. He couldn’t hold back a pathetic whimpering moan as he felt Cas’ tongue playing around his own – it was hard to believe this kid never really kissed before. Dean ran his hands across all of Cas’ back, before he decided to settle them on Cas’ really nice ass to pull him closer. He felt something twitching in his boxers and hoped Cas couldn’t feel it, because he didn’t feel like pulling away - only as he really, really needed some air Dean managed to break the kiss.

“Dude, you scared the shit out of me in Chemistry,” Dean breathed out before placing his lips along Cas’ neck, feeling a stubble rubbing against his own.

“I already figured that out,” Cas barely managed to say between his sighs and moans while he kept his hand running through Dean’s hair which was simply too short to pull properly. He wanted to know the reason _why_ Dean behaved this way, but Cas really wasn’t able to speak let alone think. He was too aroused, too nervous and too excited about what might happen next – the last sane brain cells figured something out: considering Dean’s usual behavior and how far they have already gone it was only logical that they would have intercourse sooner or later – and maybe, today was indeed sooner. Cas knew, Dean already had coitus during a school day, so it wasn’t too absurd. Of course, since he still was a virgin, he was reasonably scared and nervous, but he wasn’t against it, not at all. The day before, as he was alone in his room, he already wondered if and when they might take this step – he wasn’t desperate to be finally deflowered, but he didn’t plan to stay untouched until marriage either. Dean seemed to be not just the only, but also the right person for this. And according to specific movies, it should be possible on a toilet – maybe not comfortable, but possible.

“Cas,” Dean pushed Cas away, not too far, but far enough to be able to resist the temptation of kissing him again, as he held him by the shoulders. Cas already prepared to say yes, as Dean said something different than he expected.

“Seriously. Stay away from flames, fire, simply anything that might burn, okay?” Dean narrowed his eyes and shook the other one tightly as he got no reply, making Cas coming back to his senses again.

“I – I have no intention of setting myself to fire, if this is what you want…?” To say he was confused would be an understatement since Cas had no idea at all what Dean’s words were all about – but obviously, Cas said the right thing. Dean smiled and pulled Cas back into his arms.

“Just… stay safe.”

Cas nodded, as he wrapped his arms around Dean again. He felt horribly shameful that he had those egoistic, impure thoughts when Dean was so worryingly troubled. They kept standing like this until they heard the bell again, not saying anything, rather than just exchanging kisses and touches, but this time without an aftertaste of greedy wanting. Being with each other, feeling the other and having no one else around felt satisfying enough.

* * *

 

“We missed you at lunch!” With a bright smile, Jo came up to greet Dean and Cas who waited at the parking lot after school was over.

“Well, we were… _busy_.” Jo didn’t notice the wink Dean addressed to Cas, who smiled sheepishly to himself.

Barely a minute later, Sam arrived as well. With a wordless smile and a nod he greeted Cas, who replied with a reciprocated smile and a wave of his hand.

“Keep your flirting for when you’re alone,” Dean grunted as he pushed the two youngest towards the car, signalizing that he wanted to head home.

“See you tomorrow.” Dean smiled before he sat down in the driver’s seat, displeased with having to have leave Cas there. He felt like they weren’t done with what they started earlier, but since Cas was grounded, they had no choice.

Cas waved until the black Impala was out of sight. He leaned against Anna’s car, hoping she would show up soon. He wasn’t too keen to get back home but spending time alone in the school’s parking lot wasn’t that great either – especially not with the footballers all around. Their presence always had something intimidating and threatening about it, this time made no exception. Even though they were several feet away, they were still too close and the way they laughed and whispered surely meant trouble – Cas heard his name being mentioned.

“Uhm, Milton?”

Cas turned around as he heard one of them coming closer. It was Uriel, a tall guy with broad shoulders – though Cas himself wasn’t weak at all, he knew that Uriel was able to beat him up properly, as he showed it countless times before. But this time, Cas swore to himself as he clenched his fist, he would fight back as good as he was able to.

“Yes?” Cas tried his best to sound calm, but still, his voice trembled. He was afraid – _very_ afraid. Why had Anna to be late on that day?

“I – I wanted to ask you something…” Uriel cackled as he turned around to the rest of the footballers standing a few feet away, who broke into a broad laugh again.

“Go ahead.” With narrowed eyes, Cas first looked at Uriel, than at his teammates and back at Uriel again – something weird was going on and Cas didn’t understand. He made a step back, feeling the side mirror poking in his back, but Uriel held up his hands in defense. “I’m not going to touch you, I swear.”

“Then what?”

“Meg Masters hit on you, right?” Cas didn’t get the way Uriel wiggled his eyebrow, but he nodded anyway.

“And you gave her the brush-off, right?”, the taller boy investigated further.

“I wasn’t interested in getting to know her better, if this answers your question.” Cas shrugged, not really knowing where the conversation was heading – if Uriel was interested in Meg, he should talk to her, not Cas.

“I don’t understand… she’s pretty hot and not many girls hit on you and still, you turned her down…”

“So?”

“Is there… I mean… Are…. Are you gay?” Uriel burst out into laughter again after saying the last word.

“What?” Cas must have misheard something. There was no way Uriel asked… _this_.

“I mean, you piss off the only girl you could have - only to hang out with _Whatshisname_?” 

With his mind suddenly completely empty, Cas tried to find something to say to defend his actions – but he realized that he had no rational explanation, no real understanding about his behavior himself.

“Piss off, you dickheads!”

With her fist raised up in the air, Anna came up running. Uriel muttered some colorful words under his breath as he ran off quickly, as if to obey Anna’s command. Before she arrived, the jocks already disappeared behind the nearby gymnasium.

With a deadly glare, she watched the spot where they escaped to before unlocking the car’s doors. Without wasting any time, both Miltons got into the car.

“Are you okay?” Carefully, Anna checked Cas from head to toes, making sure he was alright and in no way injured while she fastened her seatbelt.

“I’m fine,” Cas replied a little too casual than usual, only making his sister more suspicious. She grabbed his wrist to pull him closer and make him look at her properly.

“Cas,” she hissed as she caught his gaze, “tell me – what has he done this time? The hand again?”

As he felt she was about to push up the coat’s sleeves, Cas pulled away, eyes and lips pressed together. “It’s nothing. He didn’t touch me.”

Anna let go of her brother’s hand, but she didn’t take her eyes off him as Cas turned away in his seat to stare out of the passenger’s window.

“Did he say… something?” The way her voice cracked as she almost whispered made Cas turn around to face her again. He knew she just cared, she was simply afraid and he knew, she had all the reasons to do so. But he had no idea how to think about this situation himself, so he didn’t want her to be concerned and decided to smile instead. “He was only trying to be funny, but you interrupted him before he could tell the punchline.”

She eyed Cas carefully as if she waited for the smile to fade away again, but quickly, she returned it and the concern was repressed by relief.

“I would have loved to kick the jock’s ass.”

* * *

 

Uriel’s words stayed with Cas throughout the day. He couldn’t help but to think of answers to Uriel’s questions – Cas never really thought about it but as soon as he did, he realized that these questions were indeed valid. He had no interest in Meg, this was for sure. He would prefer Dean over her (and pretty much anybody else) at basically any given time – he liked being with Dean, he wouldn’t even try to deny this fact, why should he? Being with Dean felt good and came so naturally to him like breathing. Neither of this qualified him as “gay” so far.

But then, there was this weird attraction between him and Dean, something he would never be able to explain and something he would surely ever fully understand – he even was pretty sure that it was something he would never share with someone else again. The need to be near him, to kiss him and to feel him – did this classify as gay? Maybe – but he wasn’t sure.

He swirled around in his chair as he chew on his pencil, lost in his thoughts. He knew what it meant "to be gay", but he couldn’t tell if he would fit into the description – he couldn’t even tell if he would fit into the heterosexual category, either. He never had been attracted to someone before and never really cared about having a relationship or even intercourse – he had been pretty neutral on that topic. And then, all of sudden, he felt his mind and body ache and crave for someone and this surely was something more than casual friendship. But did the attraction to one certain human define his sexuality once and for all? And if it did, why did it matter to Uriel and his friends? Sexual orientation was nothing Cas ever really cared about, in fact, he was simply fascinated and yet terrified, when two people decided to only care and adore one another. 

He cared about Dean and he craved his touch and affection, but sexuality wasn’t really a topic – yet.

With his hand on his desk he stopped turning around.

He had no clue what Dean thought on that matter and from what he could tell, Dean surely was _not_ gay. Cas decided that he would most likely agree on sexual activities, but what about Dean? Maybe Dean wasn’t interested in going _that_ far. Maybe Dean was just testing himself. Maybe Cas wasn’t excited about gathering experiences with Dean, but more about gathering experiences in general.

But still, he couldn’t tell why Uriel and his friends were that much interested in that. What about Cas’ private life was their business?

* * *

 

“There you go, you precious thing.” With a loud damped sound, Dean shut the BMW’s hood. He cleaned his oil-stained hands as he smiled proudly to himself for being able to fix Cas’ mess. He couldn’t help but to grin the whole time he installed the replacements in the engine, still not really believing that Cas really did this his own and damn expensive car – for Dean alone. Faster than usual he finished homework to work at Cas’ car, happy that Bobby managed to get the missing pieces faster than expected. Dean insisted on doing the whole work on his own and Bobby didn’t even try to object, obviously getting the hint that it meant a lot for Dean to do it on his own. It made him almost forget about the incident during Chemistry class – _almost_. The thought still sent cold showers down his spine. If Cas would have gotten hurt and there was nothing Dean could have done… enough of those thoughts. Cas was safe and sound, and that was the only thing that counted.

As he walked back to the house, Dean reached deep into his pants to get a hold on his phone – only to remember that Cas mentioned he had to hand his phone to Naomi for the time he was grounded. Well, then he had to wait until the next day to tell him the good news that his damn fine car was ready to rock again.

Back into the house, Dean let himself fall into one of the chairs in the kitchen, exhausted and unwilling to walk any step further. He bowed down, almost collapsing if his arms rested against his thighs wouldn’t have held him up.

He looked at his hands, carefully.

He turned them around again and again, spread his fingers wide apart. He clenched fists and opened them up.

He had never cared about his hands that much, he actually hated them since he could remember. He had thought they were useless, they didn’t work hard enough, they weren’t skilled and simply unable to properly protect anyone.

They had been only good for stealing, hurting and beating up. They hadn’t been worth attention.

But suddenly, he looked at them in a different way, since it seemed they were capable of more.

They were able to fix Cas’ car without any problems.

They were fast enough to pull Cas away from the darting flame.

They were able to touch, no, to _caress_ Cas and make him shiver.

They were able to tell him how good Cas’ skin felt like.

Remembering the make-out session in the toilet cabin made Dean smile – what had he gotten himself into? He should freak out, delete Cas’ number and run away while he still could – but no, he wanted to stay. He was already too close and yet, he wanted to get closer. He knew that this kind of things never ended well for him and still, he felt brave enough to continue. He wanted this to stay exactly the way they were now – well, except for Cas’ temporary imprisonment. He was still surprised about this development, but he was willing to allow it. Doubts were not strong enough to stop it and he could regret it all later.

This felt too good and his heart was beating too fast to back out anymore.

* * *

 

As Cas looked up from his text book, he saw keys dangling in front him – his _own_ car keys.

“Guess who’s the cowboy that’s back in the saddle?” Dean held up the keys like a trophy he just won, before tossing them at Cas who caught them effortlessly, though looking at Dean.

“You’re already done?” He couldn’t believe it – didn’t Dean say it would take much longer?

“Don’t underestimate my skills.” Completely satisfied with himself, Dean sat down as his eyes went over to Uriel and his friends who quickly looked away as Dean caught them watching him. He frowned. “What’s wrong with _them_?”

Curious, Cas’ eyes followed where Dean was pointing at, but turned away immediately, afraid to meet their gaze. “As it seems, a lot, actually.”

Before Dean could ask what Cas was talking about, Mr. Henriksen already came rushing in and without wasting a single second, class began.

* * *

 

“Where the hell is the damn fucking stupid bitch of a folder…?”

Rummaging through a giant pile of mess inside his locker, Dean desperately tried to find his folder for Geography class. He needed it and he was sure, it had to be there… somewhere.

Perhaps.

It would take ages to find anything in there – it was easier to find fucking Waldo in those damn books Sam loved to look at in the stores when they were kids.

Cas had offered his help but Dean insisted that he went outside instead. He didn’t want Cas to stay hungry and indoors just because he wasn’t able to keep some tidiness – and he was ashamed of the disgusting chaos in his locker and wasn’t too keen of Cas discovering the depths of Dean’s non-existing ability of keeping things clean.

“ _Fuck it_ , yes.” Behind loose sheets, crumpled papers, some text books and a lunch box he already thought was lost forever, he finally found that damn folder. Grinning like moron because he knew he just got his head out of some trouble, he reached inside the locker. He was a lucky bastard.

“Hey, Winchester.”

Dean froze at the unexpected greeting and as he looked down, he saw two feet standing behind his locker’s door.

What –

“Remember me?”

He swallowed once, twice and closed his eyes, wishing that it was just a hallucination, only to see those feet still standing there as he opened them again.

_This can’t be true._

“I missed you.”

He was immobilized, too afraid to move – what kind of crazy nightmare was he stuck in, where was the exit door, where the way out and –

He made a step back as the locker’s door was shut with a quick motion, the loud metal sound echoing through the empty hallways.

“We’ve got so much to talk about.”

Finally brave enough, Dean looked up only to get the confirmation he would rather not have. But there he was, leaning against the lockers and smiling the same devilish way Dean was hardly able to forget. It was him.

Alastair was back.


	12. Saved By The Bell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome back :)
> 
> Thank you for supporting this fic and checking out the 12th chapter already - two more chapters than I originally planned when I first plotted out the story! I'm still pumped about writing it and I have so much stuff planned for future chapters (some may or may not be hinted at in this chapter ;D ) that makes me all excited to write, so I hope you stay tuned! 
> 
> So I hope you will like and enjoy today's chapter and let me know if you got anything to remark about it! :)

“I don’t know what you mean…” Failing graciously at trying to sound casually, Dean made a step backwards.

_This must be some sick joke, seriously._

“Well, I can help you remember.” Alastair’s smile widened.

“No, thank you,” Dean gave his best to put up his carefree smirk, but it wasn’t easy with his whole body trembling.

_This could all be a just dream. A realistic one maybe, but still, it could be a dream._

The pain in his palm as he clenched his fist told him that he was unfortunately wide awake. The pain of his nails digging into his skin was too real. 

_Fuck this shit._

“It wasn’t that nice to be suspended, I can tell you,” Alastair pushed himself away from the lockers to make a step up to Dean. “I got in trouble with my parents. They were mad and wow, that wasn’t fun.”

Dean didn’t like how Alastair came closer, but he already felt the lockers along the opposite wall against his back. He was caught – and no one was in sight anywhere.

How he wished Cas would just pop up out of nowhere.

“But now – “ Alastair clapped his hands and rubbed them “ – I am ready to get back to business.”

Forcing his smile to stay, Dean swayed sideways, away from the other one’s suppressing aura. “I wish you all the best – I’ll send you some flowers soon.”

Just as he thought he got out of the danger zone without even the tiniest bruise, a firm grip on his arm pulled him back.

“Where you’re going? I need my employee of the month!”

The lump in Dean’s throat felt like it was going to choke him. “Sorry, I retrained.”

Another, even tighter pull made Dean turn around. “You’re kidding me, right? You cannot leave me, we share so much, don’t we?” Though the corners of his mouth went up and the skin around his eyes crinkled, Alastair's smile was dead and lacked any trace of honest happiness. Dean shivered – the horror just continued.

“Nah, as far as I remember, we don’t really had _that_ much in common.” Desperately trying to sound sassy, Dean hoped the faked smile could conceal the shaking in his voice.

While his gaze went up towards the ceiling, Alastair pouted his lip, making clicking sounds with his tongue. “Maybe we don’t share every trait – but enough to start from a common ground. Those considered to have behavioral problems should stick together, right?”

His eyes met Dean’s again, who felt his cheeks heating up.

“Dean Winchester… I’m sure I can learn something from you. You have learned some things at the boy’s home, right? Is that why you keep it a secret?”

Trying to calm himself, Dean breathed out through his nose, loudly. Beating the living shit out of the bastard wouldn’t help, not at all.

“Or – “ Alastair’s eyes widened as if he suddenly had an idea “ – is it because of Castiel Milton why you suddenly try to be a good boy? It wouldn’t be good for him to be with a lout, right?”

The sound of Cas' name made Dean's fake smile fade away completely as he narrowed his eyes, swallowing down a oncoming wave of rage. 

“What do you want?”

* * *

 

“I thought I could trust you!”

Cas quickly bit his tongue as he noticed how loud and foremost pleading his voice got. He usually wasn’t one for begging, he accepted any adult’s decisions and never asked for something he knew that wasn’t possible – but this time, it wasn’t even for him. Seeing Alastair back at school, after everything he had done, was enough for Cas’ usually calm mind to boil over.

“Don’t make me feel guilty. I did what I could and sometimes, even _my_ powers are… limited.”

“You could have at least warned me.” Cas' eyes didn’t leave the figure by the window as he spoke, very much aware of how rude he behaved but he couldn’t help it – he was disappointed.

“Oh Castiel, oh Castiel… If I could, I would. But I can’t – it’s beyond my responsibility. Especially since nothing happened.”

“Yet,” Castiel added.

“Your faith in your classmates is overwhelming.”

“Mr. Crowley,” Cas said with some emphasis, “how much more has to happen until Alastair gets suspended completely, finally?”

The principal kneaded his hands as he turned away from the window to look at the somehow _very_ strenuous pupil who didn’t seem to leave the chair in front of his desk any time soon. As he came closer, the elder man scratched his chin.

“You’ve never been this… _eager_. Why are you so overprotective of that new boy?”

“His name’s Dean and I… I just… can’t look away.” The way Cas scratched the back of his neck as he looked away made Mr. Crowley grin widely.

“Hormones! Well, who could blame you?” He clapped his thigh as he chuckled, earning a glare from Cas who didn’t know whether he should be angry or not.

“What have my hormones to do with Alastair’s bullying?”

Mr. Crowley snorted with laughter at Cas’ remark and reached out to ruffle his hair. “You’ll figure out, sooner but more likely later – anyway, nothing happened so far, so how about you just let Alastair return to school for a fresh start? Everyone deserves another chance, right?”

Cas didn’t reply, he only narrowed his eyes to a slim line.

“Seriously, Castiel, calm down. On my behalf, just stay away from Alastair. And tell your sweetheart to do the same. Now, hurry, you don’t want to be late for class, right?”

“But – “ Mr. Crowley’s nod towards the clock above his office-door cut Cas off. Of course Cas didn’t want to be late.

Without saying anything more, Cas closed the door behind him and sent a mental prayer up to Heaven, begging God to have mercy with Dean.

* * *

 

During the remaining school day, Cas’ glare went back forth between Dean and Alastair, making sure again and again and again that there were no hints and no traces that there might be something going on. Alastair didn’t seem to be interested in Dean, not once did his eyes wander to the boy next to Cas, it was like they haven’t even met each other ever before… was that a good thing or a suspicious hint?

“You make me uncomfortable.”

A little ball of scrambled paper hit Cas’ head and he jumped, his eyes fluttered. Dean caught his stare.

“Sorry,” Cas muttered as quiet as possible, not wanting to attract anyone’s attention.

“Listen to Mr. Devereaux, dumbass,” Dean grunted through his teeth, trying to look as concentrated as possible. Following Dean’s example, Cas turned towards the blackboard and scribbled down the notes that appeared in the meantime.

Cas continued to watch Dean carefully from the corner of his eyes. Dean’s forehead was curled, the way it always was when Dean was thinking hard – he was paying attention to class… wasn’t he?

He could try as hard as he wanted, but Cas couldn’t tell if this was Dean’s usual concentration or his stressed out behavior.

Maybe, Cas thought, he was just seeing what he expected to see. Nothing was going to happen, he told himself. He was simply influenced by his poisoned mind.

Dean surely would have told him if Alastair would try to use him once again – besides, Alastair surely wouldn’t be so foolish to try that one more time.

* * *

 

“Do you even listen to me?”

A hand waving close to his face made Dean come back to earth again – for a second he thought it was going to hit him and his back stiffened. But as he realized that this hand belonged to Cas, he relaxed. He was getting too paranoid already.

“Sorry… what did you say?”

Cas wanted to be angry, but Dean’s smile made it impossible – what was there about this boy that a smile could cure almost anything?

“I told you that I will come and get my car tomorrow. Today is all about preparing Naomi to allow me out.” Cas’ blue eyes scanned the parking lot as he fold his arms in front of his chest.

“Taming the dragon, huh?” With a soundless laugh, Dean tried to joke, but it didn’t help. The uneasy feeling pinched in his guts.

“It would be easier to tame a _horde_ of dragons,” Cas snorted as he turned away from Dean, looking out for his sister’s shining red hair. The way he tilted his head revealed his neck in a very inviting manner and Dean had to look somewhere else in order to resist. Nibbling on the delicate skin surely would lead up to some unpleasant confrontations – though it might still be a nice distraction.

“Dean, are you okay?” Cas turned back at him again and his stare went right into his brain – at least Dean felt this way. Uncomfortable with feeling so exposed, Dean turned his head as he pushed his hands deeper in his jacket’s pockets.

“Sure, I’m fine.”

Cas knew, this tone didn’t mean “ _okay_ ” – it meant the opposite. “Dean, what is wro – “

“Nothing.” A forced smile revealed Dean's neglected and still perfect teeth. Cas’ eyes narrowed even more in response and before these inviting pink lips could blabber any more words, Dean decided to forestall. “Really Cas, I’m fine.”

Somehow, Cas still wasn’t convinced, the bad feeling didn’t go away.

“But – “

“Hey Sam! Jo! We’re here!” That was a brilliant timing – Sam and Jo left the building in the exactly right moment. Dean was eagerly waving and smiling at them to come closer.

“But Dean – “

“Good luck with Naomi!”

Before they could greet Cas properly, Jo and Sam were already pushed into the car and Dean quickly found his way on the driver’s seat. Instead of saying something, Dean only winked as he ignited the car’s engine and drove off the parking lot. He felt bad for leaving Cas standing there looking like a drowned cat, but lying to him was even worse. With one last look in the rear mirror, Dean hoped Anna would come and take Cas home fast.

* * *

 

_Something is wrong. Very wrong._

Though he had no prove, he just _knew_ it. Something wasn’t right.

“So… the rumors are true. Alastair’s back.” Unnerved, Anna pounded her fingers against the wheel as she waited for the green lights to light up again.

“Mhm,” Cas hummed.

“Why did Crowley allow him to come back? That’s… nuts.” The way she crinkled her nose as she spat out the words told Cas he wasn’t the only one more than upset about the principal’s decision.

“He said he had no choice.” Cas leaned back in his seat, feeling uneasiness overcoming as he remembered the conversation with Mr. Crowley earlier that day. He noticed Anna’s eyebrows rising.

“You… talked to him? About… about Alastair?” After the last word, her mouth remained wide open, just like her eyes that seemed to be glued at her brother who didn’t really understand her astonishment.

“Yes,” he stated with a shrug to underline the irrelevance, but Anna didn’t seem to be willing to let go of the topic.

After mouthing some soundless syllables, Anna found her voice again.

“You talked to Mr. Crowley about Alastair?”

“Yes,” Cas nodded, “I already confirmed it when you asked the first time.”

Still staring at her brother, Anna wasn’t sure if she should be amused or concerned, so she settled for remaining confused. “Why on earth are you interested in whatever happens to – “ She stopped, processing her thoughts as she pieced some things together “ – It is because of… _Dean_.”

Cas sucked in a breath as he turned away, he felt caught. “Surely Dean was part of our conversation…”

“A part,” Anna repeated with a giggle as she drove off. “Sure thing.”

“I – I thought it wasn’t fair and I – “ Cas tried to justify himself, but he didn't find the right words for doing so.

“Cas… it’s okay. Seriously. It’s good to see you finally grew some emotions.”

* * *

 

_This is a fucking kamikaze mission._

He tried, he really did. He tried to get out of it, the elegant way. He tried to talk Alastair nicely out of it, he used his best persuading techniques, the best arguments he could think of – but in vain.

Dean was out as Alastair’s little bitch. Again. At school. He was about to do the exact fucking thing everyone was expecting to happen – this was destined to fail.

But he had no choice.

It wasn’t for him, in no way. Sure, Dean preferred to remain the “mysterious new kid”, he wasn’t _that_ keen on everyone knowing about his life, but damn, if suddenly all of his past would be written down in a pamphlet handed out at school, he could just live with it. Pretend to shrug it off and smile it away until he believed himself that he didn’t give a flying fuck. But it wasn’t just about him – again, Sam was involved and… Cas. It was about Cas as well. Dean couldn’t allow that the connection to him could cause trouble to someone, especially to those who meant a damn lot to him. He did it for them. Not for himself.

“Please… I have the money, I swear, so don’t…”

Dean couldn’t bring himself to look into the poor girl’s face. She was so young, so tiny and absolutely terrified as she pulled an envelope out of her pocket. In the silence of the afterschool hallways, her loud, heavy breathing sounded so much louder and Dean could feel his heart sinking in his chest. He was so sorry for scaring her so much, but he couldn’t show it.

“Give it, quickly.”

Avoiding her eyes, Dean held out his hands and she cautiously placed the envelope on his palms.

“Good. Now run.”

He turned on his heels and closed his eyes, pretending he didn’t see where she escaped to. As the sound of her shoes against the floor vanished, Dean opened his eyes again. The envelope was scrambled as he clenched a fist around it.

_Fucking inked paper._

Was that money even worth it? What did Alastair need that for? Anyway, he was robbing fucking schoolgirls – how much could Alastair even make out of it?

But no matter how much it was – it was nothing but colorful inked paper.

He barely was back to business and he already noticed something. Students stopped talking and looked at him with fear every time he walked through the hallways. Dean felt the eyes resting on him and he could swear he heard how some sucked in their breaths sometimes. He felt like the reaper himself, being feared and avoided by the youngest. At least no one in his year knew about his secret identity as the school’s boogie man.

* * *

 

His face lit up like a child’s on Christmas as he turned the key and his car purred smoother than ever before – Dean did a little magic to his car.

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas beamed brightly at the boy on the passenger’s seat, who scratched the back of his head, trying to hold back a smile of his own. “No problem, Cas – this was no challenge.”

Dean didn’t lie, there were more difficult issues he worked on in the past, including building up his baby when it had been basically a wreck – replacing a few components was peanuts. But still, he couldn’t help but to grin proudly like an idiot. Cas’ smile, his joy and his compliment – it felt so good, _too_ good for Dean. He would have liked to accept it, but he knew, he couldn’t. He didn’t deserve it.

“Seriously – thank you.” Cas’ smile was so wide and bright it made Dean feel so warm. He wanted to tackle Cas to the ground and kiss these stupid happy lips. But he couldn’t. Not just because Dean felt like he didn’t deserve to, also because Cas couldn’t stay long since Naomi only allowed him out for an hour and foremost – Anna came along with Cas, to make sure he would return home as soon as possible.

Gladly, surely to avoid any awkward confrontations, Anna stayed at her car outside the garage. She couldn’t hear but definitely see them. _Crap_.

“Not for that, seriously, dude. I’m glad to do something good from time to time.” His eyes went down to his hands in his lap, his voice drifted off and he only looked up as he felt Cas’ tight grip on his thigh.

“You do more good things than you think.” The seriousness in Cas’ voice and the straight-into-Dean’s-soul stare almost convinced him that Cas was right, for the break of a second he believed him, but reality kicked back in. Dean only hoped Cas would be ignorant for a little longer. Their friendship was about to end soon enough.

“You’re making me blush, buddy.” Dean hoped his lame joke could hide the real reason why he broke the eye contact and got out of the car. He couldn’t stand that Cas was looking at him like that.

Before shutting the door, Dean leaned down to Cas once again. “We’ll see each other at school, so no need to shred that sugar cube again, alright?” Though he winked, Dean also lifted his forefinger to make clear he was still half-serious. Cas must have gotten the hint, he bit his lip as he turned to the windshield, eyes already set on the driveway.

“Yes, Dean.”

“Get back home save and see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay.”

* * *

 

Five minutes.

He said _Five minutes_. Those five minutes have already turned into eight and a half. Cas knew he was being accurate again, but still, there was a huge difference between five minutes and almost nine.

He glanced on his watch again and looked up and down the hall – the class was about to start, so where was Dean? There were many possible scenarios what could have happened and Cas didn’t like most of them.

Dean told him to go ahead to the class room, he would follow in _Five minutes_. He had something to do first, Cas should not worry – but to worry was exactly what Cas did. Did something happen to Dean? Or did he –

Cas looked around. Casey was there among the students waiting for the teacher to show up and unlock the class room’s door, and so was Alastair. Maybe Dean found another girl – but the promise! – but was it actually a valid one? – or – maybe Dean was under Alastair’s influence?

Cas’ thoughts were racing back and forth so fast and all over the place that he had a hard time to follow his own mind. He knew he was overreacting. Maybe Dean was just visiting the loo. Cas was simply being both paranoid and jealous at once and that made thinking rationally irrationally hard.

Dean would surely show up any moment, any moment he would come around the corner, with his trademark smile on his face and telling Cas he was late because of something so banal, Cas would forget it right away.

Yes, that was the only possible scenario.

 

Twenty minutes.

Dean was twenty minutes late and class had started nine minutes ago. Something _must_ be wrong. Dean was never _that_ late.

Though he knew no one was interested in him anyway, Cas looked around carefully before pulling out his phone out of his trench coat’s pocket – nothing. No message, no missed call, nothing at all.

What was he supposed to do – was he even supposed to do something? But what?

He scratched his nose as he thought hard – he could excuse himself to leave for the restrooms and look around for Dean. This sounded reasonable and pretty clever, but the thought of raising his hand and draw attention to himself terrified him. He breathed in and out heavily through his nose. He didn’t have the slightest clue where to look anyway, but he felt guilty for staying on his seat.

 

Thirty minutes.

Dean still didn’t show up and it seemed like Cas was the only one who noticed… or maybe cared. Though he copied the things that appeared on the blackboard – Dean surely would need to know what was discussed during his absence – Cas didn’t pay any attention to what happened. All of his thoughts were about Dean. He felt like someone punched his stomach in the worst painful way.

 

Forty minutes.

Class would be over in five minutes and Dean hadn’t shown up. Dean _skipped_ that class. It has been a while since the last time Dean did that and Cas preferred to avoid any thoughts of the reason. He already felt sick enough. The possibility of Dean kissing someone else again made Cas’ hand cramp as he held the pen that it almost broke in half. He wanted to find Dean as fast as possible, he _had_ to find Dean and ask him what happened right when he left through the door.

 

The bell rang.

Cas felt the vein on his neck pounding so hard that it must be visibly pumping. His heart was beating fast and the feeling in his insides only got worse – he felt his stomach stinging and aching in a way he never experienced before, it was almost like a Gastroenteritis – only more painful.

He packed his things, grabbed his bag and as he stormed ahead, towards the door without looking left or right, he pulled out his phone again and didn’t even look back to apologize as he bumped into one or two classmates.

Barely out of the door, he was about to select Dean’s name in the list, as he was pulled aside. Before Cas could even comprehend what, why and who, he found himself with his back against the nearby lockers and staring straight into the pair of green eyes he had been waiting for in vain.

“Dean.”

Said one bowed down at the mention of his name, like an actor on stage after a play. He opened his mouth to say something, but Cas’ mouth was faster as he started to let out what was built up the dreadful forty-five minutes before.

“Where were you? I was waiting – I was _worried_. Why didn’t you show up? I mean –“

“Hush, Cas, hush. Not here.”

Confused, Cas followed Dean into the direction he soon remembered – Dean led him towards the furthest end of the campus, to the old staircase attached to the barely used building, the spot where they used to… no, no, Cas forbid himself those thoughts. He didn’t want to get his hopes up only to be disappointed.

Finally under the stairs, Dean inhaled, exhaled and tilted his head back towards the sky, before facing Cas properly. With his lips pressed to a slim line and his forehead curled, Cas stared at Dean, waiting for an explanation, a reason, something that might make Cas understand why Dean was gone and now dragging him along.

“I –, “ Dean started as he paused, suddenly aware of how much he was shaking, especially his voice.

 _Just say it out, straight and simple, that’s the easiest way_.

“ – I am suspended. For ten whole days. I’m not even allowed to be still here now. I should go home, but I wanted to tell you first.”

As he spoke, Dean closed his eyes to avoid looking at Cas – it was easier to explain without seeing disappointment slowly appearing on the other one’s face. Along with a loud sigh, Dean opened his eyes again.

He saw Cas’ lips quivering, trying to mouth words, but no sounds came along with the motions. Big blue eyes widened, more and more, before falling back to their normal size.

After the first shock has settled, Cas slowly understood what Dean said – his immediate disbelief quickly shaped into certainty, supported by Dean’s serious expression that showed no trace of having made a joke.

“What – why?” Cas made a step up to Dean as if he could access his mind when he was just close enough. He couldn’t think of a reason, of something Dean could have done to deserve this – except for…

“Alastair.”

At first, Cas thought he misheard something, he must have misunderstood what Dean just said, his paranoia surely played a trick on him.

“I know – I know it was plain stupid to be at Alastair’s beck and call again, but… I had no choice.”

Cas made another step up to Dean, not just because he could only hardly hear Dean’s shaking, quiet voice.

“You did _what_?”

“I’m sorry, Cas,” With his head hanging low, Dean made a step back, feeling cornered as Cas approached more and more.

“You played the fool for Alastair – _again_?” With his palms pressed against Dean’s chest, Cas pushed the other boy against the wall, effortlessly. Dean was too surprised to fight back and Cas’ force was fueled by his sheer disbelief and outrage.

“I am sorry… so sorry…” Dean avoided to look at Cas, he was embarrassed and felt unworthy of looking at someone like the boy in front of him.

“Why? Why, Dean why?” The loud and disgruntled tone in Cas’ voice was something Dean surely heard before, but never expected it from Cas. Fuck, he must be so damn angry at him – but Dean deserved it. He deserved even worse.

“Tell me! Why didn’t you just tell me?” Cas pushed Dean against the wall again and damn, that hurt. Dean felt like cold of the brick wall seeping through his jacket.

“I couldn’t,” Dean stated, quietly, as Cas’ lessened the pressure, allowing him to breathe and talk again.

“Don’t you trust me?” The bitterness in Cas’ voice hurt more than the actual words and Dean lowered his head again.

“I couldn’t tell you…”

“Why? I could have helped you!” It was hard to tell for Cas which feeling overweighed: frustration, anger or disappointment. Why was Dean so unreasonable to do the same mistake twice? And why, why didn’t he trust Cas? Didn’t he consider them… friends?

Dean shook his head, still avoiding any eye-contact. “You couldn’t.”

“But why?” Cas spat out.

Dean felt like a levee broke inside his head and he pressed his eyes together in a lame attempt to hold back the oncoming flood.

“Tell me, Dean!”

His head bumped against the wall as Cas pushed him once more, with even more force – Dean already felt the bulge growing.

“Cas… no, please.”

Dean pressed his eyes tighter and tighter together, but he felt it – one damn single tear came down his face.

 _Fuck this_.

“Dean…”

As he felt the pressure on his chest lift off, Dean opened his eyes, but only to look at his feet – how could he look in Cas’ eyes anymore?

Cas’ feet moved out of his sight and Dean was pretty sure, Cas was leaving – next period would start any minute anyway.

But no, Cas’ feet made a step towards him again.

“Come on! Do it! _Do_ it! Hit me! Just fucking hit me!” Dean heard his own voice shaking pathetically as he called out. He wanted someone to punish him, to give him what he deserved. He didn’t want Cas’ hands to get dirty, but maybe, this would help Cas to calm down again.

As he felt a hand against his cheek, Dean shivered – he did expect something, but he didn’t really see it coming, not that way.

Cas didn’t hit him.

Cas fucking _caressed_ his cheek.

He even wiped away the stupid tear with his thumb.

_This damn kid must be fucking with me._

Just as he was about to tell Cas what he thought of this – he stopped. All the anger, the fury in Cas’ face was gone. He looked fucking sad.

“Don’t you have any faith in me, Dean?”

Dean swallowed. Cas was such a stupid idiot.

“Cas… it was… it was a little more complicated.”

The way Cas titled his head that his neck was almost about to snap and looked at Dean with huge puppy eyes made Dean almost collapse to his knees to beg to be forgiven.

Cas pressed his hand a little tighter against Dean’s alarmingly warm cheek – did he have a fever? Or was he simply _that_ incensed?

“How complicated?”

Cas’ voice was back on its usual low and calm level and it felt like a sedative to Dean – surely a placebo, but as long as it worked, it worked.

“Cas, please, leave it be. Hurry up, Physics is starting any minute.”

Though he nodded, Cas didn’t made any effort in following Dean’s words, instead, he just stayed there, his hand on Dean’s cheek and his stare locked with Dean’s.

“Cas, seriously,” Dean’s gaze went up and over Cas’ shoulders, “don’t miss the class.”

_He needs to get away before anyone notices._

The school bell rang and Cas’ head and hand lowered in unison as he made a step back. 

“Get home safe, Dean.”

* * *

 

_This was not as expected._

With his eyes wandering along the crack on the ceiling right above his bed where he laid on, Dean listened to some classic _Guns ’n’ Roses_ and wondered if he was stuck in some crazy-ass dream or simply woke up inside the Matrix.

It wasn’t just Cas, who was surprisingly easy to tame, but also the rather lame punishment he got from principal Crowley and especially Bobby and Ellen’s reaction.

It was Friday, the ten-day-punishment was half over and still, nobody got angry at him, not even at least a little.

Bobby and Ellen remained fucking damn calm.

Sure, Bobby rolled his eyes so hard Dean feared they might get stuck in the back of his head – but he said nothing. Ellen lowered her shoulders and sighed as she pat his cheeks – but she said nothing as well. It would have been better if they would have gotten furious, he wanted them to shout, to yell, to take away his TV, his phone, his car keys – anything. He wanted them to flip their shit at him. Their calmness was frustrating.

Sure, it showed they still cared about him in some way, but for Dean, it showed something else as well.

It showed him that they have given up. They didn’t expect anything else – anything _good_ – anymore. They just accepted what happened. Dean was almost sure they pitied him. He didn’t want that. He didn’t _need_ anyone’s compassion. He wasn’t a little baby that needed to be pampered because he was a half-orphan with Daddy-issues. He wasn’t. He was basically adult since he was four and absolutely responsible for all his actions. And once and for all, he wanted to be treated this way.

He wanted people to recognize the asshole he was.

“Dean?”

The sound of his name made him sit up on his bed, facing the door from where the voice was coming from.

“What happened to our knocking Morse?” The first smile in what felt like decades appeared on Dean’s face. “Come on in, Sammy!”

The door opened, slowly, and surely more and more outgrowing hair peaked inside. Shy, as if he approached a wild animal instead of his brother, Sam made it towards Dean’s bed to sit on it as well. Dean already noticed that Sam avoided him lately. Not in a “I totally despise what you did”-way, no. To Dean, it seemed more like Sam simply didn’t know how to handle the situation.

Dean surely couldn’t blame him.

“I need your calculator… can I borrow it? Just for one hour – two, maximum? I swear, I return it as fast as I’m done with homework – “

“Gosh, Sam, take that fucking thing and marry it!” With a shake of his head as he tried not to laugh too loud, Dean got up from his bed. He went over to his desk, opened the top drawer to get the old but still perfectly functioning device out and tossed it at Sam, who caught it effortlessly. 

“Thanks.”

He replied with a snort because Dean knew, the stupid calculator was just a lame attempt of an excuse to try to introduce a conversation. “What do you really want?” Dean went back to the bed and sat next to the younger one, whose head snapped up at this question.

“What do you mean? I simply wanted this.” Sam held up the calculator with an awkward smile, but Dean bumped his baby brother’s arm with his fist.

“Don’t try to kid me, bitch.”

Knowing this intense stare meant Dean uncovered him, Sam curled his forehead as he decided to give up and speak out.

“It was Alastair again, right?”

Receiving a nod as a confirmation, Sam continued. “Did he pressure you? What had he done this time?”

These words made Dean’s head hang low. “Nothing worth to talk about.”

“Dean.” The older Winchester rolled his eyes, he could basically hear the bitchface in Sam’s tone.

“What do you want to hear, Sam? What?” Unimpressed by Dean’s loud tone, Sam remained calm.

“I only want to know the truth, Dean.”

“The truth? The _damn_ truth?” Dean jumped up on his feet and walked away from the bed, away from Sam. He came to stop at the wall, took one deep breath and with his eyes set on one of the bumps of the ingrain wallpapers as a fixed point that might help him to find some stable grip, Dean figured it was about damn time to speak.

“I have no clue how much Alastair knows exactly, but it was enough. I mean, the last time, he already knew too much. He knows not just about Mom… or about Dad, Azazel, the fucking youth jail, but also – _Cas_.”

Dean didn’t see, but the last part made Sam look up in concern.

“What?”

“I don’t know why he knows – I mean, sure, the thing with Mom isn’t too hard to find out, maybe Dad as well, but Azael? My time in this jail? Dad in rehab? How did he find out?” He wanted to punch the wall, but fuck it, Dean was too tired, too done, so he let his hand slide down the wall.

“What’s with Cas? The boy looks like the worst he’s ever done was wearing his Monday socks on Wednesday.” Too afraid to ask what really bugged his mind, Sam tried to wrap his questions up in a joke, hoping Dean might get the hint.

“He knows Cas and I are close – _very_ close. I don’t want it to spread around. Cas doesn’t deserve it.”

“Everybody knows you’re… friends.”

Dean smiled, as he bumped his forehead against the wall. “But not everyone should know we… kiss.”

It felt better than expected to say it out loud – almost like some weight was taken from him. Dean knew, he basically gave Sam the confirmation of something he already found out – though Dean preferred to believe no one knew about what Cas and him were doing when nobody was around.

“Why? I mean… well…” Stumbling over his own tongue that spoke faster than his brain was thinking, Sam realized he had no idea what to say to make his question seem less investigative, but Dean didn’t seem to mind answering anyway.

“I don’t want Cas to get in trouble because of me. Look at this shit town we’re all stuck in!” Dean turned around on his heels and leaned back against the wall, brave enough to look at Sam’s face again. “They don’t seem open-minded enough to get it – fuck, I don’t even get it myself. I just don’t want them to associate Cas with me, not in that way.”

Sam nodded. Quickly, everything made so much more sense to him.

“Plus, evil stepmother would exorcise Cas if she should ever find out. Or send him to bible camp. Or both.”

“How did Alastair find out about Cas and you? I mean, if I hadn’t come down here last week, I wouldn’t suspect shit.”

“Oh God, Sam!” Dean buried his face in his hands, glowing red in shame. “It was not what you think it was – we only… kissed.” His voice was almost squealing as he spoke the last word, suddenly the memories of that day hit him like a cannon ball. Dean remembered perfectly fine that it had been more than just kissing, but he didn’t want to get more into detail, not with Sam.

“I don’t give a crap what you’re doing, Dean. With anyone. I prefer to die ignorant about this topic.”

“We didn’t fuck, really!”

“Dean! Stop!” A loud yell and hands pressed over his ears signalized Dean that Sam had too much information already. “I have enough pictures moving in my head, thank you.”

“You really don’t mind, huh?” The question came calm, almost quiet as Dean lifted his chin to look at the crack on the ceiling again – not because it was so damn interesting.

“As long as you keep the adult stuff away from me, yes.” Sam shrugged as he got off the bed. On his way towards the door, he abruptly stopped halfway. “Ah, I almost forgot. Cas asked about you today.”

Dean’s eyes snapped wide open as he stared at a widely-grinning Sam.

“What?”

“The first time he spoke since you’re not there. Though he sat with us he didn’t say a word. But today, today he asked how you’re doing.”

He pushed himself away from the wall and made a step up to his younger brother. “What did you say?”

“Fine,” Sam shrugged again. “I said you’re fine – relatively.”

He tried to keep cool, he really did, but Dean couldn’t help the smile spreading across his face. “How’s Cas?”

“Good… I think.” Sam curled his forehead, wondering how this kid he saw every day for weeks, months, was actually doing. He had no clue. He couldn’t read Castiel – not the way Dean did. Though he really liked Cas, Sam never knew what was going on inside him. Even if Cas would use a thousand words, Sam would maybe only vaguely understand him. That’s why he was so cool about the thing between this extraordinary kid and his big brother – both were hard to understand and yet, they understood each other, even with few words.

“Better you ask him yourself – he’s coming over.”

Dean felt his face almost derailing completely within barely five seconds. “What? When?” 

“Tomorrow.”

“And you tell me _now_?”

Sam rolled his eyes. “I only knew it since lunch.”

Before Dean could ask any more questions, Sam made the best out of his speechless and overwhelmed confusion to escape.

“Thanks for the calculator!”

The bang of his door falling shut made Dean jump. Cas was coming over tomorrow. Quickly, he rushed over to his nightstand, only to be reminded by an empty phone screen that Cas’ phone was still in Naomi’s claws.

Stupid bitch.

* * *

 

“Oh come on! Just must be kidding! I cannot miss that much in barely one week!”

The giant pile of books, papers and folders made Dean sigh in sheer despair, but Cas was serious.

“I am not kidding Dean, I am bringing only your homework.”

“You’re bringing me closer to my grave,” Dean snorted as he grabbed the first book on top of the pile which Cas unloaded on the kitchen table. Though he would have preferred some more intimacy, Dean suggested the kitchen as their working area – his desk would simply be too small for both of them and too much privacy would surely cause too distraction. 

“Dean, I’m not about to kill you with a book. I only do what Mr. Crowley told me to.” A little unnerved by Dean’s dreading slow way of turning the pages, Cas pulled the text book out of his hands. After finding the right page, Cas placed the book carefully in front of Dean.

“So you’re Crowley’s personal torturer for home visits?” Dean snickered as he began to read whatever was written where Cas was pointing at.

“I am not a torturer, Dean,” Cas breathed out loudly before taking a sip from the ice tea Ellen prepared before she left for work. “He didn’t want you to miss too much of the learning material and told me to help you with it. Naomi had a hard time to accept that.”

With his forehead curled in question, Dean looked up from the boring Geography stuff. “ _You_ fought Naomi? Again? Are you entering your rebellious teenage phase?”

“No, no,” Cas shook his head as he tapped a certain paragraph on the open page, “Mr. Crowley did.”

It took Dean one moment to understand, but as he did, he stared at Cas in disbelief. “Who – _he_ – what?”

“He made this suggestion and of course I agreed. Naomi only was allowing when he promised her I’d get some reward for it,” he stated these things as if he was talking about the most normal thing and with a shrug, he added, “I don’t need a reward.”

“You’re doing this because you’re a good sheep of God?” Dean raised his eyebrow and Cas looked away quickly, an undeniable blush appearing on his cheeks.

“I do it because of you.”

Dean felt his heart missing a beat before kicking in at high speed again as he heard these words spoken so quiet and softly. Cas sat on the chair right next to him, only a few inches away and suddenly it felt both too far and too close at once. Though he really tried to hold back any thoughts that were _not_ about getting school shit done, Dean couldn’t deny the yearning to get a taste of Cas again – now even harder than before as he opened up the door to let him in.

 _Fuck it, we’re alone_ , Dean thought as he leaned a little more towards Cas, who got the hint right away. Both leaned closer and closer, painfully slow and somehow still enjoying the tension building up. Dean closed his eyes knowing any second, he would feel Cas’ lips again –

“Ah, Castiel. Nice to see you.”

Faster than the speed of light, Dean pulled back to sit straight against the chair’s backrest, whereas Cas only blinked bedazzled at the one stopping by at the doorframe, before sitting up properly as well.

“My pleasure, Mr. Sing – _Bobby_.” Cas never felt this embarrassed in his life before and was thankful that Bobby either didn’t see what they were about to do or simply had the decency not to mention it.

“You helping Dean with homework?”

“Mhm,” Cas nodded, with his eyes wandering over the Mount Homework he brought along, still too shy to look at Bobby properly.

“Have fun – and don’t let the idjit go on your balls.” That being said, Bobby left again. Dean listened carefully as he held his breath – as soon as he heard Bobby's steps being far enough away, he breathed out again.

“That was close,” he winked at Cas, who didn’t think that this was even just remotely entertaining.

“Too close for my taste.” Cas shoved the textbook closer to Dean, who laughed at this reaction.

“You’re pissed now?”

“No,” Cas scratched the back of his head, hoping the blush on his face will fade quickly. “Read that chapter and ask if something’s still unclear.”

“All bossy huh?” His wiggling eyebrows couldn’t impress Cas, so Dean decided to simply read the damn chapter. It didn’t go unnoticed that Cas rolled up the sleeves of his white shirt – as Dean wondered how many of those shirts Cas even owned, he couldn’t help but to stare at the exposed skin. Sure, those were just forearms, but those were _Cas_ ’ forearms. It was insane, but damn, Dean could look at any part of Cas all day. There was something about him, something special. But he could think as hard as he wanted, he couldn’t tell what _exactly_ it was that basically glued Dean’s eyes on Cas.

“Dean!”

Hearing his name in a loud commanding voice made him jump in his seat and somehow very excited at the same time.

“The information is not written on my arms.” Cas tapped his finger loudly on the page again and Dean tried to focus, but something distracted him again.

“What’s that?” Dean grabbed Cas’ arm and trailed his fingers across a scar running along the wrist. It was surely not fresh but huge anyway and looked like it had been stitched.

“It’s an old scar. Nothing special.”

Cas pulled his arm away and Dean let go, suddenly realizing it might have been inappropriate to point it out so loudly.

“Sorry, I was… I didn’t want to be so noisy.” Ashamed about himself and wondering how he never noticed it before, Dean tried to turn back to the stupid chapter he should read, as Cas sighed loudly.

“It’s a surgery scar.” Cas explained, making Dean turn around to him again. “I got my hand broken last year and it needed a surgery. It was messed up pretty badly.” Though Cas smiled, Dean knew the memories must be painful – on more than just the literal level. The smile didn’t reach Cas’ eyes and faded quickly as Cas continued to stare at the scar, lost in his thoughts.

“Is that why you quit playing piano?” He was about to bite on his tongue and prepared to catch a flying book with his face, but Cas' head hung low, only for a second as he quickly looked right into Dean’s eyes again.

“How do you know I played?”

“Kevin told me,” Dean explained and Cas nodded.

“Ah, right. Yes. Yes, it’s the reason. Recovery took pretty long and I couldn’t be bothered to pick up playing again.”

The sadness that suddenly surrounded Cas made Dean feel both incredibly sorry and angry at himself for bringing up something this painful, as his mind slowly drifted away. It was the first time he _really_ thought about that piece of information.

“I’d like to hear you play some day,” Dean said out loud before he even realized – he was about to apologize, but Cas was smiling, no, he was actually _chuckling_.

“That would be a good reason to start again – If you want to hear, I’d really like to play for you.”

This smile combined with the rolled-up sleeves and images of Cas sitting at a piano were too much for Dean and since the danger of being interrupted was too damn high, Dean decided to bury his nose back in the text book again – he had a lot to catch up with and even more desires to get out of his head.

 

“So Naomi doesn’t listen to you, but to Crowley? I always assumed she was way too proud to listen to anyone but herself.”

“Crowley and her are close friends – or something similar to that. They’ve known each other for a long time.”

“Ah.” This kind of information felt _really_ uncomfortable and he refused to let his thoughts wander too deep in to _that_ direction, so Dean tried to chase these thoughts away by focusing on the setting sun. After managing to get through half of the material Cas brought along, they decided to knock off to continue the following day and went out on the porch for some fresh air. Dean was incredibly glad that Cas hadn't brought up questions about Alastair - he assumed this topic still nagged Cas' mind, but Cas being Cas, he was surely waiting for Dean to be ready to talk about it himself. Bless this polite mind-reading prodigy.

The soft smile on Cas’ face as he watched the sky turning more and more pink and orange with every passing minute made Dean almost regret they failed to kiss – but it didn’t matter _what_ they did, as long as Cas was around.

“Shoot.”

This innocent swearing made Dean smile, but Cas rolled his eyes as he pointed on his watch. “That was Naomi’s only condition – I have to be home by half past seven. I got to go.”

With a smile, Dean reached out to stroke Cas’ cheek. “You come back tomorrow?”

“Sure. We still have half of the stuff left to do.”


	13. Simple Motions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Sunday, new chapter! :)  
> Thank you so much for returning this week. I apologize beforehand that this chapter is shorter (slightly, slightly) than the previous ones but I hope the content makes up for that *wink wink*   
> Anyway, the chapter's title is borrowed from a song once more ("A Simple Motion" by t.A.T.u. - theme and atmosphere of the song go fine along with this chapter, IMHO.) 
> 
> So, please enjoy and if you got something to say about what you liked or did not so like, let me know! I want to know how to make you happy ;D 
> 
> See you guys next weekend! :)

“Is it seriously necessary that you go there again, today?”

Cas wanted to roll his eyes at this seriously redundant question but instead, he went for a polite nod. “Yes. There’s still work left to do.”

“Hm.” Naomi took a sip from her cup of tea and went past Cas to the living room. She surely wasn’t pleased to let Cas go to see Dean, but since she had that arrangement with Mr. Crowley there was nothing she could do about it. But to be on the safe side, Cas made sure he did nothing that would upset Naomi in the slightest – he prepared breakfast, made her tea and even cleaned the kitchen after lunch. He behaved even better than Naomi already insisted and seeing her positively surprised face told Cas his plan was coming together.

“Don’t wait with dinner for me, I can’t tell when we will be done – I want to make sure Dean gets everything right.” _I would call if I had my phone_ , Cas wanted to add, but he decided it wouldn’t help him at all. He didn’t want to risk upsetting Naomi.

“I hope Crowley will reward you generously for this.” Naomi sighed as she turned on the TV. Cas watched her flipping through the channels until she found her favorite soap opera before he cleared his throat as a signal he was still there and still talking to her.

“I’ll leave now, okay?”

“Have fun – if possible.”

 _You have no idea,_ Cas thought to himself as he took his trench coat off the rack and put it on before leaving through the front door.

The early afternoon sun shone brightly and Cas couldn’t see any clouds somewhere floating around the perfectly blue sky. It was the most beautiful day in a very long time and Cas even caught himself whistling a cheery melody on his way to the car – he couldn’t deny the almost overwhelming good mood he was in. They might have been learning and discussing school stuff, but the day before Cas went to bed happy. Seeing Dean again felt so good and being on the way to see him once more felt even better. As he drove out of the driveway, Cas decided he didn’t want to block out the wonderful day out of his car, so he let the windows down. Feeling the fresh air against his cheek and the wind in his hair was something Cas never felt before while driving (he was too afraid of getting a stiff neck from the wind so he always had kept the windows all the way up), but suddenly, he thought his previous fear was nothing but ridiculous. How could something so good cause something bad?

* * *

 

The moment he saw Cas’ car driving towards the house, Dean got up from the porch's stairs and waved. The closer Cas got, the wider Dean’s smile became.

“Perfectly on time.”

Dean’s remark as he came up to the house made Cas smile. It was not just his well-mannered personality but also the sheer excitement of seeing Dean that made Cas leave almost _too_ early to make sure he wouldn't waste any valuable second.

“You told me you wanted me around at three, and here I am.”

Failing at finding a good response, Dean just laid his arm around Cas’ shoulder to guide him inside.

“We have to find a new workspace. Ellen occupied the whole kitchen and basically kicked us out.”

“So where are we supposed to go instead?” As he hung his coat on the rack, Cas gave Dean a questioning look. Not that he wouldn’t mind _not_ working through the school material, but still, he knew he would feel guilty once he returned home without having done what he was supposed to do.

“My room.” Amused by the way Cas’ eyes widened, Dean added: “Or the living room, if you prefer that.”

“Your room’s perfect!” Cas realized his reply came a little too fast and too enthusiastic and he already felt his pulse quicken to an unhealthy speed. “I mean, it will serve the purpose of being a quiet study room.”

“Sure it will,” Dean quipped as he pushed Cas forwards. He wasn’t really ecstatic about homework, but alas, at least Cas was around again.

 

“I, uh, tried to do the Algebra stuff on my own. Maybe it’s not all right but at least I had the intention to get it done, huh?” Dean stuttered a little embarrassed as Cas went straight up to his desk and found the exercise book Dean forgot to put away before Cas could see it. He simply _knew_ he must have gotten a lot wrong but he wanted to try to solve these questions on his own. He felt like doing so.

“It’s all correct. Very good, Dean.” Cas nodded as he closed the book and sat down on the extra chair Dean had already brought down.

“What?” Dean was confused, seriously confused. He stood still in the middle of the room, watching Cas as he turned around.

“Won’t you come here, too?” Cas pointed at the chair next to him, but Dean’s eyes narrowed angrily. “Are you mocking me?”

It took Cas a moment to reconsider what they had been doing so far, but he couldn’t understand what Dean was referring to. “I’m sorry,” Cas spoke calm but still puzzled, “I don’t really understand…”

“You don’t have to pamper me. I fucked the homework up, but damnit Cas, I tried!” He got louder with every word and even raised his forefinger to aim it at Cas, who only shrugged.

“You finished Algebra on your own and that’s very good, Dean. It was hard and I couldn’t find a mistake.”

Cas’ tone was as sober and calm as usual, completely free from sarcasm – so did this mean Dean seriously didn’t fuck up? He almost couldn’t believe it.

“So you’re saying… I am done with it?”

Dean rushed over to his chair and sat next to Cas who opened up the book once again. “I can check it again if you won’t believe me –“

“No, no, I do, Cas, I do.” Stuck somewhere between being proud of himself and questioning reality, Dean snatched the book from Cas to close it and put it away. “If you say so, I believe you.”

Though still being confused, Cas decided to leave that topic be and reached out for the next book on the pile.

“English – or rather Spanish?”

“Neither,” Dean grunted but he took the English book out of Cas’ hands. “Let’s start with this shit.”

“This is not _shit_ , Dean,” Cas sighed, “it is the language we’re using frequently, the way we’re communicating –“

“Oh, shut up.” Annoyed with the sermon Cas was giving him, Dean rolled his eyes and leaned over quickly. Before Cas even realized what happened, Dean cupped his face to hold it tightly in place and crashed his lips on Cas’ own. It almost hurt how eagerly Dean pressed their faces together, but Cas couldn’t say he didn’t enjoy. Sure, it came by surprise and felt a little uncomfortable to have his lips pressed against his front teeth, but it was… Dean.

Before Cas could start to really enjoy and maybe adjust his head a little to be comfortable, Dean pulled away again. “I don’t want to hear any more blabla, understand?”

“Understand,” Cas replied, still struck by that kiss and already upset for it ending so fast. _The afternoon is still long_ , Cas thought, _maybe we will get another chance_.

“I know English… I speak English! I speak it all day… why do I have to learn it…? I already know…” The endless ramblings Dean hissed under his breath made Cas chuckle to himself.

“I can hear you. Don’t laugh.” Without looking up as he read, Dean scolded Cas’ amusement.

He tried hard to focus and wasn’t too fond of any distraction and damn, knowing that Cas was sitting so close next to him, smiling and surely looking adorable, wasn’t helping. Dean would have loved to toss the book aside, grab Cas and slam him onto his bed – but first, homework. He had to get it done and he knew, without Cas he’d be screwed since he missed some important stuff that week. At least he had Cas’ taste on his lips as a little motivation.

 

“Well done, Dean, we’re almost finished!”

He was about to feel proud of himself until his glare went over to the basically disappeared pile. One book and some sheets were left, peanuts compared to the mountain they had started with the day before. But… Chemistry.

“It’s only writing down answers to some simple questions that are basically in the book. Half an hour, maximum.” Cas nudged Dean’s arm as he noticed Dean's hesitation. He had been working enthusiastic and fast since they begun and now, as they saw the silver lining, his motivation was gone? As he looked back on the book again, something in Cas’ mind clicked.

“It’s because of the subject, right?”

“It’s because it’s lame,” Dean retorted insolent as he read the questions on the work sheets. Cas knew, he was going to be impudent and about to cross another line, but he had to.

“Is it because of last time? Because of the flame?”

Mentally preparing to be either shouted at or kicked out, Cas remained calm on the outside nevertheless as he carefully watched Dean to make sure he could dodge before something hit him.

But Dean didn’t move.

He pretended to be still focused, but with a sigh, he pushed the sheets and the book away, leaned against the backrest and turned his head in Cas' direction.

He knew, sooner or later, he had to face this, someday, someone would ask. If he was being honest, Dean hoped the one to ask would be Cas. But he wasn’t having this emotional shit, Dean decided, not that day.

“Nah, man. Sure, that flame sucked but I’m tired and Chemistry shit is just boring, that’s all.” Dean shrugged and reached out to the papers again, but Cas grabbed his hand and pulled it back.

“I’m sorry Dean, but I don’t believe you.”

“Cas, seriously, it’s nothing…”

“Dean – I don’t believe it’s nothing. You threw yourself in front of me and made me promise to stay away from fire, so since I’m involved, I think I deserve some more explanations.”

“Damnit, Cas…” He could try as hard as he wanted, he couldn’t deny that Cas had a point. A pretty valid one. One day, one day far away in the future, he wanted to share the whole truth with Cas – he felt urged but still, it was only fair and nobody said he needed to go in full detail, right?

“Okay, so get your ears on, I’m not gonna say it twice.”

Cas sat up straight as if it would help his ears to work better and nodded to Dean as a signal that he was ready to listen. Kneading the hands he carefully placed on the desk before him, Dean began to speak, quietly.

“I just don’t want anyone I fucking care about in danger, you know? And come on, fire is dangerous, right?” He let out a laugh that was more loud breath and Dean realized, either his joke wasn’t funny or simply went over Cas’ head. A little part in him hoped he would have gotten away with this joke, but no, Cas still sat there in anticipation of an explanation.

“Our house burned down when I was four. Sam, Dad and I got out on time. But not Mom... not Mom. Dad gave me Sam and told me to run, so I did – I ran with him in my arms and we got out, and so did Dad, but not Mom…”

Like a bad movie he saw ages ago but still remembered because it caused him some damn nightmares, Dean saw the events of that night happening in front of his eyes again – blurry, shaky but in full color.

He tried to find a way to put into words what was floating around his head – but he couldn’t. There weren’t words to describe how he felt when his Dad shook him awake, how he heard Sam crying as he carried him out of the house and the way he missed his mother deeply and desperately as soon as he understood she might never come back.

There were no words.

There were _just no words_ for any of this.

No words inside his head and no more words coming out of his mouth that suddenly felt dried out like he had been wandering in the desert for years. But he wanted to say something, something more, he stuttered, he made noises which he tried to turn into actual words, but nothing that resembled the English language came out. He swallowed and felt like he was going to choke on this lump growing in his throat. _God, this is embarrassing._

A warm feeling on his cheek made him stop – he felt Cas’ lips brushing against his skin.

“Please excuse my inadequate curiosity,” Cas whispered against Dean’s cheeks. “I will consider this in the future, I promise.”

Cas didn’t laugh. Cas didn’t mock him or made a lame joke. Cas didn’t think he was being a pussy. Cas was respectful. Cas was… _Cas_.

“Shut up, stupid,” Dean leaned away from this unbearable inviting and calming warmth to bury his face in his hands. He felt naked, exposed – but did he feel ashamed? He didn’t know. At least he didn’t feel like running away or kicking Cas out, if he was honest with himself, he felt… okay.

It felt awkward but somehow good to have some weight taken off his chest and who was out there in the wide world to confide in of not Cas?

It was silent, too silent for Dean’s taste – this kind of silence you would expect after a nuclear fallout. He heard his own as well as Cas’ breath and his alarm clock ticking in the distance.

“Cas,” Dean said after a while as he put his hands away from his face, “you lost your voice?”

“No, Dean,” Cas said short and calm.

Dean’s hands dropped on the desk, followed by a loud smacking sound.

“Why are you so damn silent?”

He appreciated the lack of any rude comments coming from Cas’ side but still, it made him uncomfortable to sit in such a silent… silence.

“You wanted me to shut up and so I did.”

Struck with disbelief, Dean eyed Cas up and down as he sat there, simply replying with a shrug and remaining his well-known calm self.

“You – “ Dean wanted to reply , but his voice trailed off. What a stupid, stupid idiot.

Again, Dean found himself unable to find words – but this time, words weren’t exactly necessary to convey what he wanted Cas to know.

His hands slowly found their way up to Cas’ face and taken by surprise of that sudden action, Cas jumped - but he quickly understood.

Cas enjoyed the way Dean’s fingertips ran along his cheek until they stopped as they reached his hairline. Shudders came running down his spine as Dean rubbed his thumbs along his cheeks and he felt his pulse pumping harder and faster as he saw Dean closing his eyes as he approached.

 _Do it_ , Cas thought, _do it_. The short, rushed kiss earlier only left him craving for more and the moment he felt Dean’s soft lips against his own, he couldn’t hold back anymore.

Before Dean was fully aware of the kiss and the way kissing Cas made him feel, a quick hand pulled him closer in such a fast motion he almost fell down from his chair. Cas’ eagerness made Dean smile and Cas took advantage of the small gap between Dean’s lips to slip his tongue into the other boy’s mouth. He wanted the adrenalin to rush through his veins, he wanted the endorphin to boil over, he wanted to feel this euphoria, he wanted everything… he wanted Dean. Now. Fully.

“Cas… Cas… this angle hurts my back.” Dean hardly was able to pull away. Cas’ skilled tongue left him breathless and he wanted more, so much more, but the way he bended his body to lean over made it impossible for him to enjoy.

Cas pulled away and Dean was about to punch himself for ruining that moment, but he was more than pleased with what Cas decided to do to improve the situation.

Without saying a word, Cas got up from his chair, took Dean by the wrist and guided him away from the desk. As Cas came to a hold in front of the bed, Dean couldn’t help but to smile even wider: Cas didn’t move anymore, so Dean figured it was his turn to make a move. He put his agreement with the change of the location in actions – with two hands placed on both of Cas’ shoulders he pushed him down to the bed and followed right after. Before Cas’ head even touched the pillow, Dean already leaned in for another kiss.

The way Dean’s teeth scraped his lips was painful, but Cas couldn’t care less. He felt Dean’s tongue inside his mouth and Dean’s hands running down his chest. His own hands found their way from Dean’s neck over to his back, running up and impatiently waiting for more. He didn’t want Dean to hover above him, he wanted the distance between them to be closed – he wanted to _feel_ Dean. Dean should stop to behave so prudish as he tried to avoid any inappropriate contact - Cas wanted much more.

“Hey, hey,” Dean chuckled as he felt Cas’ hands against his lower back were pushing him down.

He tried to behave, he tried not to ruin Cas any more than he already did but the moment he felt what Cas wanted, Dean knew, he didn’t want to be the jerk to deny him his wish – Dean wanted the same.

“You like that?”

Dean smiled at the moan he got out of Cas the moment he grinded against the boy underneath him.

God, he was hard, Dean realized – and another grind told him, Cas was as well.

How could this be? How was it possible for his blood to rush down his pants so fast? Sure, he was a hormone-driven teenager but still, when it came to Cas, he was aroused damn fast. But how was he supposed to release the tension?

Well, he had an idea.

Not breaking the kiss, Dean shifted his weight that he supported with his arms so he was able to use his hands.

He was about to only go as far as they did before – so it should be okay, right?

Dean would have loved not just to cross the lines but to tear down any walls and all the restrictions that held him back from going further. As he pulled away to catch his breath again, Dean looked down at the boy laying underneath him. Fuck. He wanted Cas so badly. He wanted to rip off his clothes, bend that guy in half and fuck both their brains out. He wanted to see these blue eyes widen in pleasure and he wanted this low voice to moan out his name. He wanted to sink his teeth into the soft skin of Cas’ neck and mark him, show the world Cas was his.

But he couldn’t.

He couldn’t do that to him. He couldn’t risk that people might associate Cas with Dean and he certainly didn’t want Cas to be bound to him in _that kind_ of way. Cas was the type for rose-tinted glasses – he didn’t want Cas to remember him forever in a kitschy romantic way. He didn’t want to be Cas’ big high school romance he would go all heart-eyed over until retirement home because he was the one to pick his flower.

He wish he could stop, but he just couldn’t. He was being selfish and he was very aware of it, but he couldn’t help – he wanted more, there and now. Maybe their intermezzo will be not enough to become a memory that Cas would even recall – at least Dean hoped so.

Damning himself internally, Dean lifted his head, away from Cas, who let out a protesting grunt, which made Dean smile on his way down. Yes, he did what he knew he shouldn’t.

He heard Cas purring in pleasure as he moved down to unbutton his shirt. Dean made sure he was careful enough not to rip off some buttons due to his eager excitement. 

Seeing more and more exposed skin made Dean’s mind go more and more blank and just as he opened up the last button, Cas sat up. He moved his arms and tucked at the fabric to get rid of his shirt - this glorious sight made Dean inhale deeply, but he didn’t get the chance to catch his breath. The moment Cas’ shirt landed on the ground, Cas was tucking at the hem of Dean’s.

“Arms up,” Cas instructed with a low, thick voice and Dean followed enthusiastically. He barely had his arms up as Cas already pushed the superfluous fabric up, his hands pressed against Dean’s torso.

As if in silent agreement, Cas and Dean wrapped their arms around each other concurrently and pulled each other closer. Eventually, Dean gave up on hovering over Cas’ lap and sat down on Cas thighs. He felt Cas’ lips nibbling at the soft skin on his neck – _God, where did he learn that?_

Completely surrendering to the wonderful sensations Cas’ lips on his neck and the hands running down his back sent through Dean’s body, he didn’t do anything else but sit there in sheer amazement. Was Cas sure he never kissed someone before Dean?

An unexpected motion made Dean jump and all his sanity came back to full power. “What are you doing…?”

A littler rougher than intended, Dean grabbed Cas by the shoulders and pushed him back.

“Just opening your pants – is that something extraordinary?”

Was it simply Cas being upset or was he even hurt? Dean couldn’t tell. The tone in Cas’ voice was the same as usual, but there was something different about the expression on his face. Dean didn’t want Cas to be hurt, not at all and certainly not because of him. But what was he supposed to do? He gave his best to hold himself back and was even in this moment still angry at himself for allowing things to get this far – again. He wanted to keep Cas away from anything that might cause pain – but maybe this was exactly what was hurting him more.

“I thought it was acceptable since you initiated this act of undressing – wasn’t it my turn?”

The innocent confusion as Cas looked down at his hands still at the zipper on the other boy’s pants made Dean laugh. It wasn’t just a chuckle or a little breathed out giggle, no, it was a loud and heartfelt laugh that quickly hurt his stomach.

“Dean?” Cas didn’t understand – did he say something wrong? No, he must have embarrassed himself – either with his eagerness or his ignorance. He shouldn’t have said it out loud.

“So you want this?” Dean forced himself to calm down, he knew that Cas must feel like an idiot now.

Still insecure but wanting to continue anyway, Cas nodded after looking into Dean’s eyes and making sure there was no trace telling him Dean was kidding.

“Then go,” Dean whispered as he leaned his head forward and coming to rest against Cas’ forehead.

Suddenly, Cas was aware of his actions. His hands weren’t guided by his instincts anymore, he moved them on purpose – he wanted to do it, but his hands started to shake. He realized that Dean was watching him – this was intimidating.

“It’s okay, Cas… everything is okay,” Cas heard Dean whisper as he placed gentle kisses along Cas’ forehead, one hand pushing back forward hairstreaks, the other tugging at the belt loop of Cas’ pants as if Dean tried to get a grip.

Though this wasn’t the first time he did this, nervousness nagged on Cas’ mind. But he knew, there was nothing to fear – Dean was calm and agreeing with what he was about to do. But maybe, it was the outlook of what was to come, the possibility of _more_ that made Cas’ hands shake.

Dean felt something twitch in his pants the moment Cas opened the zipper – damn, he was excited. It took all of his strength to remain calm and sensible. But it wasn’t easy and thinking about what might come next didn’t help him at all.

_Just don’t think of your open pants._

_Just don’t think of your open pants._

_And don’t think of Cas’ hands beside your dick._

_Don’t, Winchester, don’t._

Though he tried not to stare or even glance down, Cas noticed the bulge in Dean’s boxers. What was he supposed to do? He wanted to touch and give Dean pleasure, the way he touched himself – but was that acceptable?

He had no idea.

But since the pants were open now, it should be adequate to dispose of them.

A pulling on his pants signalized Dean it was time for him to move – those pants are about to go off and Dean was more than happy to help Cas with that - but it was harder than expected regarding the way he sat. “Shit, I’m stuck.”

Not amused to get up from Cas’ lap, Dean had to entangle himself from the jeans he got stuck in. He got up on his feet and stood up to his full length to get out of the pants – it was surely the most non-elegant way someone ever got out of his clothes but it worked and Dean couldn’t care less about his non-existing stripper skills. Cas’ widened eyes that were glued on him and stared as if Dean was the most fascinating magical creature Cas had ever seen told Dean that Cas didn’t even pay attention to how he undressed. Though he knew he should feel flattered, Dean felt somehow ashamed of himself – especially this boner in his boxers – since Cas didn’t stop to stare.

“Hey, dude, your turn,” Dean announced with his fingers snapping against Cas’ forehead.

Almost panicking, Cas nodded as he fumbled with his belt buckle, but Dean pushed his hands away. “Let me.”

Fascinated by the skillful fingers that undid his belt easily, Cas watched Dean attentively and made sure to move right so Dean could pull his pants down. Being a smart boy, he made sure to put on underwear that wouldn’t be too wide and therefore somewhat concealing but now, Cas realized, the choice was rather… painful.

_Holy shit._

Cas in trunks.

The sight was surely something Dean did not expect to be this awesome though he knew Cas had a body that was… damn. Just… _damn_.

Before the sight could do something to him, Dean pushed Cas back to the mattress and leaned down right after to continue where they had left off.

But neither could concentrate on simple kisses on the mouth anymore, every time they came closer both felt the need for _more_. Dean swallowed, as he moved his hands again – he shouldn’t be afraid, they did it before with exactly the same amount of clothes. But maybe this was what scared Dean – he knew how good it felt and he knew, this won’t be enough any time soon.

Cas’ skin beneath his palms felt too good as he slowly let his hand wander down the other boy’s body. _Slowly_. He wanted to keep calm and progress slowly. To make it clear to Cas, he placed gentle kisses, barely just a brush of his lips, across Cas’ jaw – no tongue wrestling, no biting, no nibbling. Calm and gentle –

“Dean!”

Freezing by the sudden shout of his name, Dean didn’t get to fight back Cas who tackled him to switch their places.

Too overwhelmed to protest, Dean replied to Cas’ kiss. It was intense, deep and involved much tongue action and even more spit. Their teeth crashed against each other and Dean accidently bit Cas’ lips as he felt a hand wandering from his sides along his hipbone straight forward to his crotch – was Cas up to…?

Dean wanted to pull away and stop Cas before he might start something he might regret later, but damn, he couldn’t do anything but letting out a loud moan as he felt a hand pressed against his already too hard dick.

“ _Cas!_ ”

“Is this… is it good?” Cas had lifted his hand a tiny bit, but only to push it against Dean’s dick once again, this time with more pressure. Since he got no reply, he increased the pressure and asked louder. “Does it feel good?”

 _Fuck it, fuck this, fuck that, fuck it all_.

Why should Dean try to resist? Cas wanted it, too. Cas knew _exactly_ what he was doing.

The gravelling sound of Cas’ low tone combined with the touching that turned into a continuous rubbing made Dean’s mind almost go completely dizzy as he managed to breathe out his reply.

“Amazing.”

That was what Cas wanted to hear. He continued to palm the erection in a way he knew that must feel good as he leaned down to Dean’s face again.

“You like it.”

“Yes,” Dean replied though he knew, Cas wasn’t asking but stating facts.

He wanted to reach up to kiss Cas once more, but he was too far away. Dean opened up his eyes once again.

“What are you – “

Cas’ lips pressed on top of his own made Dean swallow back the question. Fuck it, talking was overrated, anyway. Instead, Dean decided it was his turn to tease now as he reached up his hands to feel Cas up – and _holy shit_ , that felt way better than Dean expected. Sure, it was a dick and it felt like a dick – somehow like his own and yet, strangely satisfying different. How could touching this feel so arousing? Maybe, maybe it was not just about the flesh he touched – maybe, it was about the person attached.

The groan Cas made once Dean dared to press a little firmer told him that he was doing the right thing.

Though it was very tempting to keep his hands on this spot forever Dean wrapped his arms around Cas instead, desperate to feel as much as possible of Cas’ body against his own as he pressed the other boy closer. With a loud gasp for air, Cas broke the kiss.

“I – I like that,” Cas smiled after some deep breaths filled his lungs with essential oxygen. Feeling Dean everywhere and knowing certainly he was excited as well made Cas almost question his sense of reality. This was _really_ happening – again?

“I bet you do,” Dean winked at Cas as he grabbed his arms to throw him over and swap their places again. Screwing his plans of not crossing any lines any more, Dean followed nothing else but his instincts. Now, he was curious and hungry and more than eager to find out _everything_ about Cas.

“How about that?”

Cas wanted to ask what Dean meant as a sudden sensation threw him back to the mattress just when he was about to get up to look where Dean was crawling to.

“Good?”

“Indeed,” Cas barely was able to speak properly as he slowly realized what happened.

Dean had slipped his fingers beneath the trunk’s waistband to pull them down, not all the way, but enough to free what was hidden inside them.

For the break of a second, Dean was afraid, seriously afraid but the moment he wrapped his fingers around Cas’ hardness, curiosity and satisfaction with himself took over Dean’s mind. The way Cas’ eyes fluttered shut when Dean started stroking faster and faster and with every sigh and moan Cas made Dean feel both powerful and simply good. He caused pleasure and not just for anyone, but for… Cas. He had no idea what to do so he simply went for what he did when he put a hand on himself and the way Cas arched his back up in response told Dean he made the right decision.

Cas barely was able to breathe – this was good, almost _too_ good. What was happening? Technically, Cas knew _what_ was happening but somehow his brain seemed incapable to process the situation as a whole. Though these motions and the feelings they caused weren’t new to him, this felt like a whole new experience. He was on his back, eyes closed while Dean sat on his legs, making him all defenseless with simple touches of his hands. Slowly, Cas opened his eyes to distract himself and noticed that Dean smiled at him.

“Still good?”

“Mhm,” Cas hummed, now staring at a crack he noticed on Dean’s ceiling. He needed distraction. He needed something that will shift the focus in his mind to something less arousing. Though he wanted to engage in some more indecent actions with Dean, he was afraid to lose control. The thought of having an orgasm while Dean was watching was making him uncomfortable but both desire and curiosity made it impossible for him to object and quit the situation.

“Are you okay?”

The realisation that Cas’ body stiffened – well, not just _that part_ that was supposed to do that – made Dean stop. Did he go too far? Didn’t Cas like that? Was he demanding too much and forcing Cas into a situation he wasn’t prepared for?

“Yes,” Cas sat up, confused. Why was Dean stopping?

“See, I can understand when it’s too much – we can stop anytime.” Slowly, Dean pulled his hands away to place them on his thighs. That was stupid, he knew. Cas surely didn’t enjoy it.

“No, don’t stop, please.” Cas sat up to look straight into Dean’s eyes as he reached out to place his hands on top of Dean’s. Fatal choice of position, Cas quickly realized.

Unable to resist the temptation, Cas let his hand wander further and followed Dean’s example by tugging at the waistband of Dean’s boxers. Of course, this didn’t go unnoticed by Dean, who felt a new wave of blood rushing into his already painfully hard cock.

“Got something in mind, buddy?” Amazed, Dean couldn’t take his eyes off Cas’ long and slim fingers that fumbled at his boxers.

“Well…,” Cas wanted to reply, but he had no idea what to say – this shyness made Dean smile as he pushed Cas back.

“Let me,” Dean ordered. He had an idea.

Cas let himself fall back to the bed and let go of the boxers, but he didn’t take his eyes off Dean. He was curious to see what was going to happen and he couldn't look anywhere else as he watched Dean taking off his own underwear. Obviously, Dean wasn’t any less aroused than Cas himself but what was even more overwhelming was the way Dean's body was shaped. Sure, Cas knew “ _beauty_ ” was one of the words that were thrown around excessively and therefore losing its meaning, but that was the only term Cas could think of that would come close enough to describe Dean.

“Stop staring like that.” Dean leaned down to Cas and pressed his lips against Cas’ a little harder than necessary. He was insecure not just about the whole situation and about what he was going to do, but also about the way his body looked like (he didn’t look so much in shape like Cas did, stupid sporty dumbass) and about himself in general – he didn’t need someone to stare at him like that though he knew that Cas surely wouldn’t be judging him – but still.

A quick move with both his hands and Cas’ trunks were gone, too.

“Everything okay?” Before doing anymore else, Dean waited for Cas’ reply which came as a silent nod.

Dean closed his eyes as he exhaled and leaned down for another almost shy kiss before reaching down. He had no idea how this might feel like and if this would even work out, but it was worth a try.

“Say if it sucks, okay?” Dean grunted, more to himself than to Cas as he leaned down with his whole body – and damn, that was even better without any annoying fabric between them. Once he got used to actually feel _two_ dicks against his skin (and adding some extra seconds for Cas just to be sure), Dean started move. First, his motions were slow and careful, making sure he didn’t anything wrong or accidently painful. While trying his best to keep eye-contact with Cas to be sure he would notice immediately when something in his expression might change, Dean put a hand between them. With his hand pressed against one side of both their erections, Dean tried to get as much contact as possible and therefore, the most possible friction because damn, it felt _good_ , so good. Every motion caused a new wave of pleasure running down through Dean’s whole body and surely, more tension built up deep in the pit of his stomach. Completely amazed by the feeling that was so much better than he could ever expect, he dared to wrap his hand as tight as possible around both of them – what might have been one of the best ideas he had ever had.

Cas seemed to like this as well, he dug his nails deeper and deeper into Dean’s shoulder blades. It hurt, but Dean couldn’t care less.

He was close.

“Is it still good, Cas?” Before Dean allowed himself to finish, he wanted to make sure Cas was still with him.

“Shut up,” Cas breathed heavily and clung tighter to Dean who interpreted this as a “yes” – Dean wrapped his fingers as tight as possible around both their already leaking dicks to stroke it faster as he kept grinding down on Cas. This was addicting, hypnotizing. He never wanted this feeling to go away, never again, but at the same time, he craved for release. It felt too good to come but at the same time, it was his only goal to finally come – _with_ Cas, _on_ Cas, _because of_ Cas.

Looking into these blue eyes that were only half open and completely soaked with lust was almost too much for Dean – this was just dry humping, maybe heavy petting, so why did this feel like this? It wasn’t just _nice_ , or _pretty_ _good_ – it was _freaking amazing_.

This was intense, more intense when Cas satisfied himself. He had always liked this kind feeling, he had liked orgasms, but he never felt like this could be an essential part of his life, but _this_ , this was so different. Was it because of Dean? With every grind and every stroke, Cas felt more and more sensations building up and he knew, he wasn’t far from an orgasm – he decided to enjoy and let go. An orgasm seemed to be Dean’s desired target, too. So deciding to enjoy this act and allowing his hormones to take over ironically seemed to be the only reasonable thing to do.

“ _Fuck_!”

Cas felt warmth dripping on his stomach, more and more.

Slowly realizing _what_ it was and looking at Dean, whose eyes almost rolled back into his skull while his head leaned back so far it almost broke his neck, was like the final thing Cas needed to cross the edge himself.

Because now Cas knew for sure that Dean came. On top of him.

All the emotions that had been built up inside Cas dissolved in one big bang – he sucked in a breath and pressed his eyes together once he felt the ultimate satisfaction. From beneath Dean’s palm, a warm and prickling feeling rushed through all of his body, up to his fingertips and down to his toes. His pulse paced up and for a moment, Cas feared his heart was about to collapse.

As he had felt the last waves of his own orgasm, Dean had increased the pace once more. The way Cas moved beneath him made clear that he was about to come, too – and Dean was right. Fascinated, Dean watched Cas come between them, looking like lust and temptation in person with his mouth moving along to the sinful sounds it let out and his body moving to an intimate rhythm.

Satisfied, sexually but also with himself, Dean let go of Cas to let him catch his breath before placing an exhausted kiss on his still trembling lips.

“Everything okay?”

“Perfect,” was everything Cas managed to say, still overwhelmed by _how_ _good_ this actually was.

Dean smiled. Cas was a wreck, out of breath, sweaty and dirty. But he was still so damn good-looking and sexual satisfaction was written all over his face as he closed his eyes with a sigh. Dean wanted to lay down next to Cas and just stay there for a while, but he figured it would be better to clean both of them up beforehand. He reached over to his nightstand and opened the drawer to get hold of the tissue boy that was there for _a damn good reason_. He pulled some tissues out and cleaned first his hand, than Cas’ and finally his own stomach.

“Thanks.” Cas was a little embarrassed of the mess, but Dean only laughed. “No problem.”

Not caring enough to actually get up and throw the tissues into the garbage bin, Dean just dropped them next to the bed before he nestled himself against Cas’ body, still excited about the way their skins felt like when they rubbed against each other. Being naked wasn’t a big deal anymore. Each other's warmth was comforting and no fabric in this world could ever feel softer and better than the other one's skin.

Both laid on their sides, facing each other and they moved as close as possible towards the other. Cas laid his arm around Dean's shoulder, while said one reached out to run a hand through Cas’ hair. This was something he had wanted to do for a long time by then and he regretted he actually forgot doing it a couple of moments ago. Maybe, he would get another chance for doing so in the future.

But now, Dean wasn’t interested in anything but lying there, still and calm. His hand wandered down from Cas’ hair to his shoulders and came to a halt on his back. The way Cas smiled as Dean stroked him with his thumb made his heart make a huge leap in his ribcage. Why did he feel so calm and yet so excited at the same time? Strange enough that he didn’t feel like they should get dressed and say goodbye, like, never again. Instead, he wanted to stay there and stare into Cas’ eyes though he already knew them inside and out – he could stare for a week straight and it would still not be enough. No matter how much time he spent with Cas, it _never_ seemed enough. Even this afternoon quickly turned into an evening and –

“Crap,” Dean smacked his hand against his forehead.

“What’s wrong, Dean?” Cas titled his head to have a better view at Dean, who started to rub his face with both his hands.

“We forgot Chemistry homework.”


	14. Speech Is Silver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again and welcome back! :)  
> *pours you a cup of tea* Thank you all for staying tuned with the story which is turning into something bigger, longer than I ever dared to plan... it's exciting (I hope for you, too!)  
> This chapter will introduce two new characters who only had been mentioned before... I hope you'll like them! :) Hopefully you'll enjoy the musician!Cas, too, I plan much more of it in future chapters!   
> Have fun with the chapter and let me know if you got something to say about it - I want all of you to enjoy the story! :)

For the first time in his life, Cas understood why some people disliked Mondays.

For the first time, Cas had dreaded this day and had a hard time to focus on the so-called _important things_.

For the first time in his life, Cas had a wonderful weekend and many amazing things happening to him that turned into memories way too fast.

And just to add more to the Monday grief, Dean was still absent for the whole upcoming week and as long as there wasn’t a miracle coming up their way, they wouldn’t see each other until the next weekend. This was going to be a hard week.

The only highlight of this day was the afternoon, because Naomi promised to give him his phone back.

He made it through half the day so far and he hadn’t paid any attention to anything that happened around him. How was he supposed to do, anyway? His mind was busy remembering the day before and yes, there was _a lot_ to remember. Everything still seemed irrational und surreal to him, like it was just a fever dream, but no, he knew that it had been real. But it wasn’t just real, it was also _good_. Actually, more than good. It was better than good, better than expected – who was he trying to kid, it was _perfect_. Cas never was too fond of other people’s descriptions using strong words because he thought they were exaggerating, but now, it seemed like he found an adequate situation for using the strongest, most powerful words he knew – but still, those words seemed too pale and weak compared to the way he felt. He didn’t just feel happy – he felt _alive_. He felt his facial muscles moved in a way they hadn’t in years and his pulse was pumping adrenalin in a way he never experienced before; it almost was like he felt his own body for real, completely, for the first time.

May this feeling never go away again.

* * *

 

“You look good.”

Almost choking on his food, Cas looked up from his plate. “What?”

Amused by her brother’s confusion, Anna smiled as she leaned over the kitchen table, closer to Cas. “Something about you changed. I like it. Makes you look… softer. That’s pretty.”

“I am not _pretty_ ,” Cas grunted before stuffing another forkful of kale into his mouth.

Naomi ate out with business partners that evening, so the siblings were dining alone in the kitchen. They enjoyed any second of free time from Naomi and it was a good occasion to take care of their relationship and simply have a good time together.

“Of course not, you’re a manly man,” Anna said in her lowest tone and with an exaggerated serious expression on her face, before smiling again. “But something is different. You look happy… satisfied. Almost like you had…”

She dropped her fork which hit the plate with a loud clack that made Cas jump as well.

“Oh my god,” she almost shrieked, “did – did you have… _sex_?”

“Wha – no!” Cas spit out his food. All of his blood rushed up to his head and he felt his cheeks burning as his pulse pumped in a high rate that Cas feared his veins might explode. “I’m not having… intercourse.”

Hoping Anna wouldn’t detect he note of white lies he was selling her, he continued to eat while avoiding her gaze. Averting has always been his favorite way of defense. He didn’t have sexual intercourse – that part was true – but still, he had been involved in certain sexual acts, but he wasn’t too excited of Anna knowing about it.

But Anna’s curiosity had just been brought to life.

“Oh my god! Castiel is getting laid!”

The joy in Anna’s voice made Cas jump up on his feet to lean over the table.

“Be quiet!”

The way Cas hissed these words made it clear – he had something to hide and Anna was eager to find out what.

“Who is it? Do I know? Since when?”

“I am not having intercourse with anyone,” he tried to sound calm, but his words only came out with pressure.

“Not if you call it that way,” Anna shuddered at the way her brother always put things into the most awkward words he could think of. She believed him when he told her he wasn’t engaged in actual sex, Castiel never lied, but still, he was doing _something_ … with _someone_.

“Come on, Castiel, you can trust me…” Anna leaned over the table and whispered in a conspiring manner, “…who, how and since when?”

The mere thought of sharing this kind of delicate information with anyone, even his own dear sister, was more than just stressful. Not just that he had no idea how to word it, he didn’t even know if it was socially acceptable to share and foremost, he feared her reaction – for many different reasons he was sure she would not be too pleased about this kind of information.

“Anna… you don’t want to know.”

This reply made Anna roll her eyes. “Why am I asking you, then?”

“Anna,” Cas tried to end this topic once more, “I don’t think you really need this kind of information.”

“Well,” Anna cleared her throat, “I might be the youngest but still, I want to protect you. I want to make sure no stupid chick is going to take advantage of you.”

Instead of saying anything, Cas only raised an eyebrow as he took another fork of kale to his mouth. He knew, this wasn’t the whole truth.

Uncomfortable by the way he brother looked at her in a manner like he already looked right through her, Anna threw up her hands.

“Yes, okay, okay, I’m also a _little_ curious. But I wasn’t lying – I’m gonna kill a bitch, if I have to.”

Cas laughed - that was the Anna he knew and loved dearly. “Murder won’t be necessary, I can assure you.”

Her brother’s smile calmed Anna down and she placed her hands on the table as she tried to hold back any more excitement. “So there _is_ someone.”

“Well,” Cas began, but he had no clue how to end the sentence. It wasn’t that easy to explain since Cas himself wasn’t sure what this thing with Dean was becoming.

Ignoring her brother’s struggle for words, Anna started to speak out her conclusions loudly. “Well, you have been happier for a long time… but this happy – since yesterday. Yesterday was… Sunday? Yes, Sunday. You were… out!” She lifted her finger as she smiled, she saw her trail of thoughts leading up to somewhere.

“Anna, it’s really _not_ what you think it is – “ Cas tried to stop Anna’s detective aspirations before she could find out what Cas tried to hide from her, but she didn’t bother to listen to him. She was too involved in her own thoughts.

“You have been… at Dean’s.” Anna folded up her hands in front of her mouth. “At least that’s what you told us.”

“I _was_ with Dean!” A little too loud, Cas finally replied, along with a fist smashed on the table. Anna’s face, showing an expression of both triumph and confusion, made Cas feel like he should be a little clearer – but not too clear.

“I was _at_ Dean’s,” Cas corrected himself, but Anna’s face didn’t change. “We did homework, like I told you.”

“Biology, huh?” Anna snickered.

“Yes, we did that as well – but not in that way!” Cas added the last part quickly once he understood Anna’s innuendo.

“Well, I’m not that much surprised – I somehow expected it, but I didn’t really think it would happen. Congratulations, brother. Dean’s cute.” With a little shrug and a soft smile, Anna answered – the kind of answer Cas did not see coming. This was too calm, something was wrong – she concluded too much. She was wrong  – she thought they were… more.

“Anna – I am not having any kinds of –“

“Not yet, sweetheart. Not yet,” Anna winked as she got to put her empty plate into the sink. “But that’s unimportant. You’re happy and that’s important.”

Left alone in the kitchen, Cas wanted to shout something back, but instead, he let her words sink in.

He couldn’t deny – and why should he?

He was happy. That was a true fact.

* * *

 

The layer of dust was thicker than expected - Cas made a step back to escape the dust cloud that he startled as he blew over the keys.

The keyboard had been neglected for longer than he had remembered and it stung in his chest to see his dear companion being in such a miserable state. Though the instrument wasn’t plugged in and therefore not working, Cas couldn’t resist to let his fingers fly rhythmic over the keys to play a silent melody. He smiled.

He almost forgot how much happiness he had felt while playing the piano.

With a tissue, he wiped away the last traces of dust and set the keyboard up on the stand.

A deep breath and he was ready.

He was ready to play again, after more than a year of abstinence. Hopefully, he remembered enough to be able to play the notes he printed out earlier that day.

Though he was a little scared to watch his plan crumble beneath his untrained hands, he was eager to go on. It wasn't just for fun and it wasn't for himself at all.

It was for Dean.

* * *

 

**_I’m back_ ** **_:)_ ** **_I hope you have a nice day!_ **

**_-Cas_ **

Barely over ten words and yet, this text was able to make Dean’s day.

He felt alone and misplaced, not needed to help Bobby and unable to join any of Sam’s and Jo’s conversations about school. He felt isolated. He had nothing to do. Absolutely nothing. Not even homework – he had to wait for the weekend until Cas was allowed to bring it over.

After dinner, when he went back to his room because he felt like the most useless piece of shit that ever disgraced this house with its presence, he looked at his phone by chance and found that text. That stupid, short text with barely any content and yet, it made him feel good. It made him feel like Cas actually wasn’t so far – he was still in range. They were still in the same city and suddenly, Dean was aware of it. And if it hadn’t been for Naomi, they could see each other any given time – but that would be too good to be happening. Something so good wouldn’t happen to him.

And seeing Cas would be the best fucking thing right now.

The day before, it was hard to let Cas go – it had always been somewhat hard to say goodbye (or even just good night) to Cas, but the day before, it had almost been impossible. For a second, Dean thought about locking his door and swallowing the key so both of them _had_ to stay, but he knew, that would have been ridiculous. Having Cas so warm and close in his arms made Dean feel safe and forget about anything else – he forgot about school, about his fears and foremost about Alastair and his own suspension. He only had Cas on his mind and nothing more.

The memories weren’t just coming back again and again and again – Dean was pretty sure they never even left. The scenes replayed on infinite repeat and Dean just couldn’t get enough of it. He couldn’t stop to think of Cas on top of him, underneath him and then, in his arms. The whole experience was intense.

Sure, Dean went much, _much_ further with other people – _girls_ – before, and yet, this was the first time he really felt something – something _more_. It wasn’t even actual sex but it felt real, it felt more intense than any encounter Dean had before, even those with the girls he thought he had _loved_ didn’t feel quite like that with Cas. It was on a whole different level with him.

Did it mean what Dean thought it meant?

If it did – shouldn’t he be scared instead of fucking excited for the next time Cas would come over?

It was true, he didn’t allow himself to waste any thoughts of being scared of this whole thing’s progression. Instead, he started making plans of what he’d like to do the weekend, once they would be done with homework. Dean didn’t have to think much to feel his heart already racing in his chest – the thought of just holding Cas close, near and completely was all he needed.

Sure, this whole making-out thing was the cherry on top of the ice cream, but the best part was Cas - just Cas being _Cas_. Dean had caught himself how he imagined that it was Cas’ chest instead of his pillow beneath his head and Cas’ arms and not his blanket holding him warm and safe.

Because with Cas, he felt safe.

And Dean Winchester never felt safe.

He sometimes felt angry, sometimes bored, horny or maybe a little amused. But never safe.

Around Cas, he didn’t just feel safe. He felt good. _Really good_. He felt like he could actually have a good time in this crappy small town, at the lame preppy school – as long as there was Cas near.

Dean smiled to himself as he realized how much of a teenage chick became. Ridiculous, actually. But he didn’t want to fight it.

Cas might be something he shouldn’t play around with – maybe this was a chance he shouldn’t let go to waste.

**_Well I survived 2day. Hella boring. Hope u had_ **

**_a good day @ school w/o me ;D  
_ **

Dean cringed once he pressed the sending button, he felt like the winking smiley might be a little over the top – but then again, would Cas even bother about smileys? He couldn’t help but to dare some subtle flirting. It was stupid. But it felt right.

Dean pulled his shirt over his head and crawled under his blanket. He was bored, it was late and so he could try to find some sleep as well.

* * *

Cas had been pleased with himself. He was better at the piano as he expected to be. His fingers almost flew over the keys in the same skilled way like a year before – as if nothing had happened. He had pressed down the right keys at the right time, following the notes on the papers and slowly, a melody was born. After a few times playing the whole song, it had sounded the way it was supposed to. Some more days of practice and he would be ready.

Though he was excited, he was also afraid at the same time. Playing the piano had always been an intimate, personal act to him and he never wanted someone to see this side of him ever again - but since he found someone interested in hearing him play, he wanted to give it a try – the only thing that dimmed his mind was the question whether or not he was _really_ _honestly_ interested in listening to him playing…

“Charming! Haven’t seen you in a while.”

This familiar voice made Cas roll his eyes.

“Megan,” he chose to address her with her barely used full name, “I’d really like you to stop calling me… _this_.”

“Why?” Meg leaned against the locker next to Cas’, in which he was storing the sheets he collected for Dean. “You are a charming prince. Those for Winchester?”

Without looking at her, Cas assumed she was referring to the bundle of papers he neatly placed at the bottom of his locker. “Yes.”

“Huh.” Meg surely didn’t expect to run against _this_ many walls, but she clearly wasn’t giving up on this conversation. “You and Winchester are good, right?”

“We’re friends.” Pretending to be absolutely busy with checking the books to make sure he put the right ones with him while storing away those he didn’t need, he went for the easiest, less suspicious answer that came to mind. He was not about to lament the complicated circumstances of their relationship with Meg.

“You seem pretty close.”

The suggestive undertone in Meg’s voice didn’t go over Cas’ head who gave his best not to lose his countenance about this. “ _Playing it cool_ ” should be doing the trick.

“We get along pretty well.” Cas didn’t like to play down his relationship with Dean, but at the same time, he was sure Meg didn’t deserve to know the whole truth. Putting it this way should be just fine.

“Sure you do – I heard about it.” Meg laughed but the forced manner of it made Cas stop as he was about to walk away – this was suspicious.

“See, I don’t care with whom you’re friends or not. But I don’t think it’s fair when you’re left in the dark about certain things." Meg's tone, completely sober of her usual sarcasm made Cas turn around again.

“I admire your concern but I guess it’s none of your business.”

Meg made a step up to Cas and lowered her voice as she continued. “Listen, handsome, I guess you don’t know everything about your boyfriend.”

The last word went like a bullet through Cas’ head – what did she imply? What did she _know_?

“I – I guess you misunderstood something. Dean is not my –“

Meg rolled her eyes at Cas’ stuttered answer. “Honey, that’s not the point.”

This conversation with all of its implications quickly tired Cas. “So, what is it, then?”

“Do you even know who’s around you?”

Cas shook his head, he didn’t understand what Meg wanted to tell him – of course he knew Dean and how _much_ he actually did know was something Meg would surely never understand.

“Castiel – he’s a criminal! Did he never tell you?”

With every word she said, Cas was more and more annoyed with this whole conversation. Was Meg seriously trying this?

“I know he had trouble in the past and I know about Alastair. But he’s a good man.” Rage was building up inside him and he already spat out the last words as he wondered why on Earth he still was not ending this conversation on the spot.

“You naïve little prince,” Meg cupped his cheek as she showed Cas her best, mischievous smile, “do you really believe this is everything? Have you heard about the boys home? He went to at least five. He is a criminal through and through. Make sure all the expensive stuff is put away the next time you invite him over. You don’t want Mommy’s jewels to be gone, right?”

With his mouth standing open, willing to talk but failing to do so, Cas watched Meg walking down the hall until she disappeared around the corner.

What was she talking about?

What did she – did she actually call Dean a _thief_?

Cas was about to run after her and scold her for talking so badly about Dean, but he stopped. It would be a very stupid thing to do. It would cause him to get into trouble and certainly wasn’t interested in causing turmoil.

Cas knew about Dean being a troublemaker. Cas knew Dean was sent into a boys home, of course that implied Dean was not an angel in the past – did that change something that it happened more than once? Did it change something that he never really told Cas about it? Dean’s past surely was never easy, Cas already concluded from what he knew for sure, so maybe there was a reason for him to steal?

But… what did he steal? And why?

Was he pressured, just like it happened with Alastair?

Or was… was Dean really just –

Cas forbid himself to jump to his own conclusions when he clearly had not enough information.

He had to talk to Dean about it – he needed to. There were suddenly doubts and questions coming up inside him and clearly didn’t like any of them. But he needed to know the truth. He needed certainty.

* * *

**_I hope this isn’t too much on the short run, but_ **

**_are you free this afternoon? There’s something_ **

**_I’d like to talk about with you._ **

Dean was happy to see Cas messaged him while he was at school, but his smile froze immediately at the message’s content. All his joy was crushed by a few words. Cas “wanted to talk” – those kinds of things never end well. For nobody and certainly not for him.

He knew it better – so why was he so damn disappointed? He knew it would come to this point. Well, he had hoped it wouldn’t be so soon, but he knew, sooner or later, one of them would hit the brakes.

He knew it.

So why did he allow himself to ignore this fact and become an emotional mess instead?

He was so fucking damn stupid.

Good, then this whole things will be over this afternoon, great. Why not?

No biggie.

Sure, now he had contact with someone else’s dick. No big deal. He felt comfortable around someone after a damn eternity. So what. He really liked Cas a damn lot. Fuck it. He could move on in no time. Cas’ loss.

**_Sure I’m free. Say when &where&im there._ **

**_Good luck escaping Naomi prison blues._ **

Dean couldn’t give a flying fuck if this response was too short or snarky. Didn’t bother him. He was pissed. At Cas. At himself. At the whole fucking world that didn’t allow him to have anything good.

Nice. He never wanted to feel good anyway.

* * *

Concealing his meeting with Dean as his usual running routine in front of Naomi was easy – it seemed like Cas got used to lying – and Cas ran too fast than it was healthy and he got out of breath halfway. He had to stop and catch his breath – this never happened to him before. But no one could blame him? He was nervous.

They had agreed to meet at the lake again – Cas proposed it. He didn’t know why, but this was the first place that came to his mind. Maybe because he associated it with positive things taking place and he really _needed_ something positive to happen there that day.

After he made sure his heart rate slowed down to an responsible speed, he continued to run, but slower this time. It would be embarrassing to fall down at Dean’s feet, gasping for air like a fish on the land.

* * *

Dean left the house way too early, but he couldn’t sit on his ass at home any longer. Down in his room, all alone and left with nothing but his thoughts, he felt like the ceiling was about to fall down to his head any moment. In his car, he felt safe and sound. He liked to imagine, while crossing speed limit, he would be too fast for his doom and gloom and his problems to catch up with him and he would be finally able to escape them. Of course these thoughts were bullshit, but still, driving fast with music blasting out loud, he felt better. He needed this kind of satisfaction before being hit by the bullet he hoped would be shot a little later.

Once he arrived, he couldn’t help but to smile as he got out of the car. Nice place, good memories. But within the next ten minutes maximum, they would become useless emotional luggage.

Some twigs on the ground creaked and Dean turned around.

Cas was there.

And by the way Cas pressed his lips together as he tried to avoid any eye contact, Dean could tell that something awful was about to happen.

“Hello, Dean.”

The greeting and the low, always a little raspy voice were the same, but the differences were impossible to be not seen.

Cas wasn’t calm, he was _nervous_ – had Dean ever seen him this uneasy?

He kneaded his hands as he made hesitating steps up to Dean, who didn’t move away and stayed leaned against his car.

Though he thought about it long and hard all day, Cas had no idea how to start this conversation. How could he put all this questions into decent words?

“What’s so urgent, buddy?” Dean didn’t bother to try and catch Cas’ gaze – he looked up to the sky and watched the clouds passing by. He couldn’t bear to see Cas being so un-Cas.

Good, now the dreading issue of how to find a start was solved – Cas breathed in deep as he made the last final steps until he felt like he was close enough for a conversation. This sudden physical closeness was too much for Dean, he almost felt Cas’ breath on his face, so he made a step aside. He didn’t need that, not now.

“I – I… I was talking to Meg today…” Yes, Cas should start from the beginning and continue the story chronologically, hopefully it would make most sense to Dean. Before he could continue, Dean already cut him off.

“Congratulations, really. Hope you two are happy,” he grunted as he let his eyes wander along the scenery, careful not to look at Cas while doing so. Of course. Meg. He should have seen it coming. Cas was a teenager and sooner or later he would be nothing but a mess of horny hormones, too. Of course he would want a girl. How could Dean believe for even a little second _he_ could maybe be enough for Cas?

Cas frowned. “I don’t know about Meg, but I wasn’t too pleased with that conversation. She told me things, that, well – “

“Geez, Cas! She wants _you_.” Though he hadn’t been there, Dean was sure to know what they were talking about. There was only one topic among boys and girls their age. Dean knew best.

“ _Wha_ – Dean. No.” Cas understood what Dean implied. “I guess we’re having a major misunderstanding here. Meg did not try to – flirt.”

This was unexpected. Dean was bedazzled, struck by the plot twist he didn’t see coming.

“She… she told me something to pull me away from you and I wanted your confirmation first before I consider believing it.” Cas was surprised how easily these words suddenly came together to form an acceptable, reasonable and polite sentence.

“Go on,” Dean wasn’t able to contribute anything to the conversation anyway, so he could listen to what Cas had to say, he was curious now.

“Well,” Cas breathed in and out deeply before he looked straight into Dean’s eyes, more than relieved that Dean wasn’t avoiding his gaze anymore, “I will repeat what Meg said so please don’t confuse her words with mine. She told me you were in boys homes. Several. For stealing.”

“Yeah, I thought you knew…” Dean scratched the back of his head too fast and too hard that he was sure he must be bleeding by now. This turn of events was better and yet worse than what he guessed would happen and he had no idea where things might end up.

“To some extent, I did, yes. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t judge you for past events, I really don’t.” To underline what he just said, Cas lifted up his hands in a surrendering manner. “But there are some things I just want to be cleared up, I hope you understand.” Cas hoped Dean would understand or at least not lash out once he spoke out what bothered him.

“Then go and tell me.” Dean was nervy as he shoved his hands into his pockets and shifted his weight from one foot to the other and back again. What did this Meg-chick tell Cas and what would that mean for them? And why, why, why for fuck’s sake wasn’t Dean allowed to end up somewhere and finally have something decent happen to him? Why was he always chased by bad luck?

Cas nodded as he looked down, to the ground. He knew exactly what he wanted to say and he was not about to let either of them leave before this wasn’t sorted out to both their contentment. He didn’t want anything between them. In fact, Cas wanted _nothing_ to ever come between them again.

“She said you were caught for stealing – on numerous occasions. She even implied I shouldn’t invite you anymore. You might use the situation to – “ Cas couldn’t bring himself to finish that sentence. It felt wrong. It would almost feel like an accusation to say it out loud.

“She told you I would raid your house?”

“Technically… yes.”

Dean snorted. “And you believed her?”

“No,” Cas whispered, the hurt in Dean’s voice shot right through him and, he was sure, made him feel the same pain.

“If you didn’t, then why we’re having this talk?”

“I didn’t want to believe her – that’s why I want to talk to you. I wanted to prove her wrong!” Dean flinched at Cas’ voice, suddenly so loud and yet, so fragile at the same time. Cas wasn’t telling him to fuck off. He tried hard to stay on his side.

Seemed like he had to pull off another kind of striptease in front of Cas – for this kid it wasn’t enough to get rid of his clothes.

“Yes, I have been caught stealing. And no, I never planned on stealing something from _you_.” Though he knew Cas was trying his best to stay loyal, Dean couldn’t help to feel pissed at the sheer possibility of Cas imaging him to rob his belongings.

“Of course… Of course. I knew it.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Calling this situation “awkward” would have been an understatement. Neither of them knew what to say. Dean understood Cas’ confusion, but at the same time, he was angry that this topic was brought up. Cas sensed the tension radiating from Dean as he saw his back stiffening up. He knew he must have touched a sensitive topic, but he had to. He needed to know.

“I apologize for having asked this, Dean.”

Dean didn’t say anything, instead he breathed out loudly through his nose, which unfortunately sounded more like a sigh. “Does it comfort you that I had no clue that you were this sick ass rich until set a foot into your house?”

“I guess?” Cas laughed helplessly, hoping Dean made this joke to brighten up the situation.

“I’m serious, Cas. I never stole just for the fun of it – there wasn’t _any_ fun about it.” Dean’s voice was almost a whisper at the last part as he turned away, looking at the dirty ground beneath his feet instead of the crystal clear blue eyes of Cas. _Fuck it_ , Dean thought as he inhaled deeply. He looked back up into Cas' face.

“Listen, Cas – I won’t repeat it again. Yes, I stole. But you know what?” Cas jumped as he felt Dean’s hand at his chin, holding his face in place as Dean stared straight into his eyes again. “I didn’t do it for me – I did it for Sam. When Dad was lost for days – drunk at a bar or whatever – and there was no money, but Sam was hungry, what was I supposed to do? Should I have let him starve? No way. I went to the closest supermarket and stole at least some garbage cereal bar so this kid would have something to eat before school. So, judge me, I don’t care – as long as Sam was safe, I never cared.”

Thankful that his voice didn’t forsake him during that speech, Dean forced himself to calm down again. His lips quivered and the fact that Cas just won’t look away didn’t make it better, but then again, Dean wasn’t able to break the eye contact either. He froze still in his motions, struck by the fact he just confessed another thing from his past he never wanted anyone to know.

“Dean, that’s – “ Cas didn’t know what to say. He knew Dean was a good soul and a caring brother, but still, Cas did not expect this.

“Don’t say anything about it anymore, Cas. I don’t wanna hear it. Bring it up ever again and I will end you.”

“Okay,” Cas nodded. Just as he noticed that Dean was about to turn from him and pull his hand away, Casreached out to capture Dean’s face instead.

Dean quickly understood and stood still as Cas came closer for a soft kiss.

This felt so good.

He wrapped his arms around Cas in reply and pulled him closer.

What was happening? Was this even real? Just a few minutes ago Dean thought this fragile thing would finally break and now, they were kissing again like the teenagers they were. His heart was jumping in his chest as he got a full taste of Cas’ tongue as he slipped his own into the other one’s mouth. He needed to spoil this kiss’ innocence. He needed to feel that Cas was still okay with all of it – he wanted to test if Cas was now backing out of the ride or still onboard. And damn – he was onboard, Dean could tell easily by the way Cas slipped his own tongue in Dean’s mouth in response.

With a smile, Dean finally ran his fingers through Cas’ usually messy hair and Cas seemed to like it, at least he made a pleased purring sound once Dean’s nails scraped his scalp.

“You calmed down now?” Dean asked as he pulled away. He smiled, but only to cover his chagrin about the sudden end. But he had no choice but to interrupt it before things would get too hot. This wasn’t neither the right place nor the right time for some serious action.

“I guess so, yes,” Cas smiled shyly as he pulled his hands away from Dean. Suddenly, this whole situation seemed so ridiculous and he couldn’t understand how Meg’s words could have had such an impact on him. This kiss reassured him about everything he already knew – there was nothing else he needed to be confirmed.

Dean still wasn’t sure whether he should be happy that no matter what Cas got to know about him, _nothing_ would repel him, or if he should be pissed that Cas could doubt him in such a way – but then again, could he really blame him?

“The next time Meg is talking shit, shove it right back where it came from. I am good guy,” Dean couldn’t help himself but to verbally kick Meg’s ass. Who did she think she was?

“You are suspended from school. That is no exactly what a good guy is.” Cas frowned in confusion about Dean’s statement – was this sarcasm? Or a joke?

“Cas – shut up.” Dean reached out to grab Cas’ shirt and pull him back for another kiss. Sure, this was a lame way to conceal he seriously had no clue how to respond to that – Cas had a valid point but Dean was too proud to admit.

It was just a short but nevertheless sweet kiss – it lacked tongue action and hands touching, but made both hearts leap in joy anyway.

“Will you always kiss me when you run out of things to say?” As they pulled away, Cas couldn’t help himself but to tease Dean, who rolled his eyes at that. “Is this a complaint?”

“No,” Cas smiled, “not at all.”

* * *

 

_I should have kicked that boy’s ass._

_And then, Meg’s ass._

No, Dean wasn’t too happy about the way he handled that situation. He was getting soft, wasn’t he? This emotional crap was softening him, like fabric softener. He was too scared to lose Cas and having built this up for nothing, that he was as peaceful and tame like Bambi. One kiss, and he was sold. Two, three thousand kisses and some orgasms, and he was done – signed, sealed, delivered and all Cas’. He should back out, quit it and run – but then he remembered hat Cas just has to feel the same way. He remembered the way Cas kissed him with his whole body (and what a body!) and the way he looked at him with a little smile and wide-opened eyes, like a kid in a candy store. This was fucking insane – both of them were. If I wouldn’t feel so damn good and so very right, Dean would have quit.

“Were you with Cas?”

On his way out of the car and back to the house, Dean was welcomed by Sam who sat on the swing on the porch, reading a book.

“Yeah, why?” Dean paused as he was about to put the key in to the front door’s lock.

“You have a hickey on your neck.”

Due to the serious, sober tone in Sam’s voice, Dean believed him for a moment as he put a hand against his neck – the moment he touched his own skin, he suddenly realized.

“Very funny, bitch.”

Not in the mood for some serious fights (which he would have won, of course), Dean only flipped his middle finger at his brother who chuckled, pleased with himself, as he got into the house.

This day was weird and he needed a damn beer.

* * *

Cas barely noticed the week was passing him by. The days were just blurring more and more into each other and the only things that helped him to distinguish between the days were the classes he had. Though he still was with Dean’s friends during lunch, he didn’t feel like a part of the active life – he didn’t participate in conversations and only replied when he was directly addressed at. He felt like less and less part of everything with every day that went by.

At first, he was irritated – why did this feeling of misplacement come back? But then, he understood.

Dean was not around.

Once he realized it, he breathed easy – he only had to wait until Saturday to see Dean again and on Monday, his routine would be back in its full stability.

“You’re coming over again tomorrow?”

On Friday lunch, Cas was feeling way easier with the certainty of only being one day away from seeing Dean again. This lightness in his mood made him answer Sam’s question way more enthusiastically that those days before.

“Yes, yes, I will,” Cas nodded quickly, “we agreed on 2 p.m..”

“Nice,” Sam smiled as he saw some joy and life coming back to Cas’ face. Though he surely wasn’t so much into Cas like Dean was, he cared about him anyway and it bothered him to see him getting more and more miserable every day – just like Dean. “I’m pretty sure my brother will be glad to see you.”

“I hope so,” Cas almost whispered as his smile widened. He couldn’t wait for this day to be over.

* * *

 

“Castiel – please, _please_ tell me I’m hallucinating. Please tell me you don’t see what I am seeing.”

“I have no insight into your mind and therefore no clue what you are seeing – but I see something I’d rather not like to see.”

The two cars parked at the pavement in front of their house almost made Cas hit the brakes and turn around again. Finally, he was in a good mood and now, he came home to... _this_.

“Slow down, I’m not in a hurry to meet them,” Anna rubbed her temples as she shook her head in disbelief.

“Me neither,” Cas grunted as he drove as slow as possible up the driveway to the carport.

“What are they doing here?”

“Nothing good, that’s for sure, Anna.”

“Absolutely. But why?”

“I have no idea.”

 

“Anna, darling! Castiel, big boy!”

The moment he crossed the threshold, Cas prayed for a flash of lighting to strike and save him from this degrading fiasco. They barely made it into the house as both of them were almost tackled to the ground as two vaguely taller but nevertheless stronger men swung their arms around them.

“Castiel, did you grow? I could swear you used to be shorter.”

Cas rolled his eyes at this remark as he tried to breathe as flat as possible, afraid to pass out from the heavy scent of too much aftershave.

“Nice to see you too, Balthazar.” Finally getting to break the way too tight embrace with his older brother, Cas already found himself wrapped up in another pair of arms.

“Castiel, come here, big boy!”

“I am already here, Gabriel,” Cas grunted, barely able to speak while he was squeezed so tightly. At least Gabriel used less aftershave.

“Gabriel! Balthazar! Leave them be.” Naomi’s ever-commanding voice was intimidating enough even for two out-grown men in their twenties – in a break of a second, both Gabriel and Balthazar let go of their youngest siblings and stood still. Obviously unamused about their presence, Naomi looked at her two oldest step-sons with her lips pressed together. “I will kick you out of the house in no time once I get the feeling you’re causing trouble.” That being said, Naomi turned around and left again.

“Trouble? Us?” Once Naomi was out of hearing range, Balthazar gripped at his chest in an overly dramatic manner and Gabriel nodded in agreement. “How could she even _think_ that?” Both let out a loud, whiny sigh to which Anna only replied with a shake of her head. “Poor boys.”

“Okay, seriously – what are you doing here?” After hanging up his coat at the rack and taking off his shoes, Cas made a step up to his brothers who put on their most innocent faces.

“Why so angry, Castiel? Aren’t we allowed to visit the youngsters?” Gabriel pouted his bottom lip as he tilted his head, much to Cas’ irritation.

“What? No. Not you.” Cas frowned. This was suspicious.

“What Gabriel wants to say is – “ Balthazar swayed in front of the oldest and clapped his hands together in front of his chest, “ – we are staying here for a while now.”

“No. No, no, no!” Anna raised her forefinger as she rushed over to Balthazar, only stopping a few inches away from him. “You are not gonna stay here – not now and not ever!”

“Anna, Anna, calm down – why so emotional? This house is big enough for all five of us.” Not even shooing away from her finger still pointed closely at his face, Balthazar smiled widely as he gestured spaciously around him.

“This whole city isn’t big enough when you’re here,” Anna spat at both of them as she passed them to run down the corridor and upstairs.

“That was a little bit emotional. Understandable, but, emotional,” Gabriel shrugged as he discussed with himself on his way up to Cas. “But you – you are happy to see us, right?” Gabriel squeezed Cas’ shoulders so tightly that it almost hurt, but Cas already had learned early in his life – don’t show pain, especially not to Gabriel.

“I can hardly withhold my joy.”

* * *

 

**_My oldest brothers moved in for a while now. I’m hiding in my room until_ **

**_dinner. At least I can escape them on the weekend. I hope your day has_ **

**_been better._ **

Though Dean concluded Cas was being miserable at the moment, the message made him smile. It wasn’t so much about the content. It was about the fact that Cas wanted to share something – and he wanted to share it with Dean.

The day after their conversation at the lake, Dean decided to simply message Cas – it was no big deal, wasn’t it? It had been just a bunch of letters. He didn’t know why, but Dean felt guilty and not talking to him made that feeling worse, so he picked up his phone and just gave it a shot. Cas had cared about him, right? Cas did not push him away. Cas was trying his best to stay loyal. Though Dean sent something so random and meaningless and didn’t even expect anything in return, Cas replied. Quickly, they messaged each other more frequently – most of the time about commonplace occurrences, nothing special, but it felt good.

**_Cannot imagine you’re related 2 someone u need 2 hide from :D my day was boring as hell._ **

**_I hope tomorrow comes quickly. Don’t want u 2 b around the brothers of doom ;)_ **

Dean quickly added the last part, hoping the joke would make the pathetic sentence right before sound less stupid. He didn’t want to erase that part either, because he couldn’t deny – he waited for Cas, he almost counted down the hours. He wanted to see him, feel him and just be with him. He needed to know everything was still intact.

* * *

Dinner at the Milton’s had been a medium catastrophe that night. Much to Naomi’s chagrin, Balthazar had ordered pizza for everyone and before Naomi had a chance to protest, the four siblings sat down in the kitchen to eat straight of the carton – without cutlery.

Though Cas was angry and talking back to all the bickering coming from his brothers, he had a good time. By the time he sat down in his room again, Cas had already forgotten what their fights even were about – it felt good to have a little more noise in this house. It made it feel a little more like a home again.

Homework was all done, so Cas decided to play the keyboard. His fingers pressed the keys almost effortlessly and familiar melodies came to sound, while his mind wandered further and further away – he thought about Dean and the oncoming weekend, about things they already did and could maybe do…

“Hey little bro… can I come in?”

The last note faded to silence as Cas stopped to turn around and see Gabriel peaking his head through the door.

“Of course.” Cas swirled his chair around and beckoned his brother in. Gabriel nodded and with quick, careful steps, he strode up towards to Cas’ bed where he sat down.

“I didn’t know you’re playing again. I heard it – it’s good. Very good.” Gabriel spoke calmly and the corners of his mouth lifted to a faint smile.

 _Something is surely going on here_ , Cas thought in expectation of another prank bomb as he rolled up nearer to Gabriel with his wheeled chair.

“You didn’t come here to praise my skill.” This was less of a question and more of a statement and the older Milton smiled. “Well, the compliment was honest, though. I thought you quit for good.”

“Let’s say I had a good reason to pick it up again,” Cas said with a shy smile as he scratched the back of his head. Gabriel blinked once, twice in disbelief before a smile illuminated his face again.

“Do you try to impress a girl?”

Cas’ eyes snapped open. “Oh God, no! No, no girl…” His abashed stuttering made Gabriel laugh.

“Okay, okay, I got it – no girl involved. You’re playing heartfelt piano music for yourself and nobody else.”

Cas wanted to protest, but Gabriel’s smile faded away fast – Cas barely saw his brother being this serious. “I was worried about you, Castiel. It’s good to see you back on track.”

“Thank you, seriously.” Cas smiled. Though Gabriel could be the worst prank-playing douche on Earth, Cas never wanted someone else to be his oldest brother.

“Before we get too emotional, let me hear what you just played – it seemed familiar.”

* * *

 

_Not even 12 hours anymore. Barely half a day. You can wait. You can make it._

Though Dean repeated this over and over again, his brain didn’t seem to accept these facts. He knew it was the truth. He knew it wouldn’t be long, only a few hours and yet, he couldn’t wait any longer. He needed to see Cas. Right in that exact moment.

It was insane and Dean knew it.

It was four in the morning when he sneaked out of the house and sat into the car.

It was four in the goddamn morning when he started the car and drove straight to the fanciest neighborhood in that fucking town.

No, he wasn’t insane – it was worse.

Cas surely was about to kill him, but he was taking that risk as he send him a message once he parked across from his house.

**_You awake?_ **

Dean knew, this was a stupid thing to ask – but it did the job.

**_Well, I now am. Why do you ask?_ **

As he read the message, Dean could hear Cas’ grumpy voice loud and clear and he couldn’t help but to smile as he typed the reply.

**_Because I happened to park in front of your house._ **

_Seems like I made a mistake_ , Dean bit his lip as he didn’t receive any reply for more than five minutes. Of course, _of fucking course_. Cas must be thinking Dean was nuts and went back to sleep. Why did he have to embarrass himself?

He was about to start the car and drive back home again as he saw a silhouette coming from behind the Milton mansion and run up towards his car.

“What are you doing here?” Breathing heavily, Cas let himself fall into the passenger’s seat and in the garish light coming from the street lamps, Dean could see the typical frowning. But instead of saying anything, Dean replied with a kiss. He wrapped his arms around Cas to pull him closer and smiled as he felt Cas’ tongue against his lips. The kiss quickly became a wet mess and their hands started to wander across the other’s chest, shoulders, arms – everywhere. Just as Dean wanted to slip his hand beneath Cas’ shirt, the other boy pulled away.

“Wow,” Cas breathed heavily “I guess I know now.”

Dean couldn’t help but to smile. “Sorry I woke you up.” He reached out to Cas’ hand and squeezed it.

“It’s okay,” Cas smiled, “I only hope no one in the house noticed.”

“Like your brothers?”

“For example,” Cas answered with a nod.

“Sorry, buddy,” Dean leaned over to place his lips along Cas’ jaw bone in a row of gentle kiss and Cas sighed pleased in reply.

“Apology accepted,” Cas winked once Dean pulled away again and this time, it was him who initiated a kiss. Cas ran his tongue across Dean’s lips which quickly opened for him. This time, Dean didn’t wait too long and slipped his hand beneath the superfluous fabric around Cas’ body, but before he had a chance to explore the still bed-warm skin, Cas pushed him away. “That’s for later. See it as the reward you need to earn with finishing homework.”

“You’re mean.” Dean placed a quick kiss on Cas’ lips and a soft punch against his upper arm.

“I reward your successes, that’s the opposite of being mean, Dean,” Cas retorted with a smug smile.

“Blablabla,” Dean punched Cas again, but softer this time. “I can’t wait for my reward.”

“Then let me get enough sleep and do your homework with me,” Cas yawned as he reached for the door handle. “Though I appreciate your acts of showing affection – I am indeed very tired. And you should get enough rest as well.”

“Yes, sir,” Cas’ raised forefinger was both irritating and arousing to Dean, who couldn’t take his eyes off Cas’ ass as he got out of the car again.

“I’m serious Dean. Go to bed now. See you later,” Cas ordered before he carefully shut the door and ran back to the house.

Once Cas was out of sight, Dean started to engine and drove straight back home, with a big smile on his face.

 

Cas’ heart was still racing fast as he opened up the backdoor – was this just a wild dream or did this really happen? Did Dean just come over for a kiss? Just to be sure, Cas pinched his arm – and it hurt. Good. That meant this was all real.

Dean did _indeed_ just come over for a kiss.

“This is a surprise, Castiel.”

 _What_ –

Just as he was about to walk up the stairs, Cas turned around.

_Oh no._

He saw Gabriel leaving the living room and coming up to him.

“So even perfect Castiel has a dirty little secret, huh?”


	15. Piano Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! :)  
> You all survived the season's finale? :'D  
> ME NEITHER.  
> Anyway, writing this chapter was my kind of post-season-finale-therapy and I hope it will make you all feel a little better, too! :)   
> For all the hits, kudos, comments, bookmarks... thank you all so, so, so much, seriously. It means the world to me!  
> So, please enjoy the new chapter!

Cas swallowed hard as he saw his brother coming up to him. Slowly, like a predator and with a big smirk across his face that could mean nothing but trouble – _serious_ trouble.

Gabriel saw it.

Gabriel _knew_ it.

“So you and that boy, huh?” Cas pressed his eyelids together – he didn’t like that kind of tone in Gabriel’s voice.

“Gabriel, please…”

As he reached the step Cas was standing on, Gabriel leaned closer until his lips almost touched Cas' earlobe. “You want me to shut up about right? What a shame if someone would know… like Naomi. Or Dad.”

Cas felt his heart stop and drop into the pit of his stomach. He begged his knees to be strong enough and his legs not to collapse. Just as he thought, Gabriel and him would have a good relationship, that he could really trust his older brother – _this_.

„I can explain…“ Cas was afraid – _very_ afraid. But he wasn't about to give up without trying to turn the situation around. To emphasize his determination and to gather some self-confidence, he lifted his chin and straightened his back – sure, it was just posturing, but it was said to be an effective confidence-booster. But quickly, his shoulders slumped down again in confusion – Gabriel was… laughing?

“Castiel, there is nothing to explain. Good God!” Gabriel patted Cas’ shoulder, but Cas got hold of his hand, making Gabriel stop.

“Gabriel – it’s not –“

“Castiel, please. I made a joke. Wanted to tease you.” Gabriel pulled his hands out of Cas’ grip and stepped on the next stair. “But if it’s serious, introduce him to me. Want to make sure my baby brother picked a good one.”

Without turning around again, Gabriel waved at Cas as he left, letting the younger one standing alone halfway up the stairs like he had nowhere to go. Cas' hand clawed around the banister as he tried to understand all these unbelievable things that happened in barely fifteen minutes.

Could this night get any weirder?

Alright, Cas had processed that in fact, Dean had been coming over at four in the morning for the sake of a kiss – so far, so good, understood. Unlikely to happen, but not impossible, since Dean had a tendency to act like a wild child.

But from then on, things were really harder to grasp.

Did Gabriel really dismiss a chance to mock him?

Did Gabriel really not care about the fact that Cas kissed a _boy_?

Cas pinched his arm again, harder this time – and _damn_ , that hurt. He was awake indeed. Too awake. Shaking his head, he went upstairs, down the corridor and straight to bed. This night needed to end before it got completely insane.

* * *

_I am crazy. Really fucking stupid crazy._

Dean sighed as he turned around for the twelfth time. All night, he didn’t drift into a light sleep, not even a slumber – nothing. His brain was wide awake. He rubbed his eyes so hard he almost ripped them out – they burned and the eyelids were heavy, but he was simply too awake to keep them shut.

_Sleep._

_Sleep._

_Sleep!_

_Fall asleep now!_

It hurt as Dean pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, but no, his mind refused to get tired. It felt like all of his blood was replaced with coffee to pump through his veins instead. He thought after seeing Cas and getting the kiss he craved so badly, it would be out of his mind and he could finally fall asleep, but no. It turned out that this idea only sounded nice on paper but didn’t work out in reality. What was wrong with him?

It never happened before. Sure, he was used to fantasize about people – he had imagined getting down to business with some of the models out of his issues of _Busty Asian Beauties_ – yes, okay, okay, there was this one time he thought of Dr. Sexy MD – but those daydreams involved some NC-17 rated scenes and always kept him entertained, but never awake. So why couldn’t he fall asleep when he thought of Cas?

Those thoughts were mostly completely innocent. He thought of Cas’ smile. Cliché, but he liked the way his eyes and nose crinkled and he felt so damn proud every time he was responsible for that smile. He liked the way Cas’ skin felt underneath his palms and he liked to remember how it felt to have Cas’ hands wander across him. A shiver went through him as he remembered how Cas’ skin felt against _all_ of his body – those were good memories. But then again, he wondered what it would feel like if he and Cas would walk side by side and just hold hands? How would it be if he would hold Cas’ hand when they walked down the hallways at school? How awesome would it be if he could just kiss Cas whenever he felt like it – to say _Hello_ or _See you tomorrow_ , or even, without a reason. It wasn’t fair that they felt like they had to hide their affection. Everyone was free to kiss as much as they want – but Cas and him had to be careful.

Stupid fucking unfair world. If one of them had tits, things would be perfectly okay. But he didn’t want tits, he wanted Cas.

All of Cas. Everywhere and at any time.

* * *

“I can go there on my own.”

“Oh, come on!”

“I said no.”

“But my word weighs more.”

“Why that?”

“Because I’m older.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Shut up.”

“Ouch! That hurt!” Cas rubbed the spot on his upper arm where his brother just punched him. All morning, Gabriel tried to persuade Cas to drive him over to Dean’s. Gabriel must have gotten to know that the one Cas was helping doing the homework was the same who visited him the night before and now, he was more than eager to meet him.

“Oh come on! I am curious!” Gabriel whined out loud as Cas turned his back on him, choosing to ignore his brother in order to get ready. He didn’t want to be late and be there at Dean’s exactly on time – any second wasted was too much. They would lose too much time already for doing the homework.

“There’s nothing to be curious about! He’s a boy my age from school, that’s all you need to know.” Cas shoved Gabriel aside as he reached out for his shoes, but Gabriel didn’t give up.

“Cassie… we both know there’s more about him. Come on, just a little glimpse in daylight and I’m fine.”

 _I completely forgot about his stubborn mind_ , Cas thought as he tied his shoelaces. But in return, Gabriel seemed to have forgotten that Cas wasn’t any less of a hardhead.

“No.” With a self-satisfied smile, Cas got up again to look at his brother’s pout. Just as he went out of the backdoor and thought he won this, Gabriel’s words made him stop again.

“I could make sure you’d get some extra time with honey boy.”

“What do you mean?”

Cas’ sudden interest made Gabriel smile as he came up to him. “Well, I could accidently come too late to pick you up again.”

“No hook?”

“No hook.”

* * *

 

“Is it him?”

The car came to a halt in front of the Singer’s house, and Cas followed the direction of Gabriel’s nod towards the porch. A boy in Jeans and a red and blue plaid shirt got up, straightening his clothes and unable to take his eyes off the one sitting next to Cas.

“Yes… that’s Dean.”

“He’s handsome.”

Before Cas’ punch could reach him, Gabriel already got out of the car to walk up to Dean, with a smile on his face and his hand held out.

 

_Who’s that?_

Carefully, Dean eyed the stranger coming up to him, but he couldn’t figure out who that might be. Cas had mentioned his brothers being in town – but Dean couldn’t find any resemblance between them. This dude was older and shorter than Cas, his face was slenderer, his eyes were golden and his hair brunette – basically the contrary of Cas’ appearance.

“Dean, right? I’m Gabriel. Castiel’s favorite brother. My pleasure.”

 _Okay, he really seems to be Cas’ brother_.

“Yeah, I’m Dean… ni – nice to meet you.” Dean took the other man’s hand to shake it, but he still wasn’t entirely convinced – how could Cas be related to someone like this? He wasn’t sure what he should think of this cocky smile on the guy’s face as his eyes wandered up and down on him. Was he checking him out?

“Thank you for the ride, Gabriel.” A tight squeeze on his shoulder told the older Milton it was time to let go of Dean’s hand and leave the two of them alone. Though he would have liked to watch them together – Castiel’s blush was just too adorable – Gabriel knew it was time for him to go. Let the kids have fun.

“No problem, lil’ one. See you _later_.” With a wink and finger pistols aimed at both Cas and Dean, Gabriel walked back to his car.

“Your brother, huh?”

“The nice one, actually.”

“Oh damn.”

Cas hummed in agreement as Dean’s head suddenly snapped up. “Is there something with your car again? Did I fuck it up the last time? Oh God, Cas, I – “

“My car is perfectly fine, Dean. Gabriel and I made a deal,” Cas stated soberly as he turned away to walk up to the house, Dean following right behind, frowning in question.

“A – wait what? A deal?”

“Well, yes.” Inside, Cas took off his coat and hung it up before looking right into Dean’s eyes again – the moment he caught the first glimpse of that familiar and still so exciting green, Cas realized how much he actually missed to just stare at them. “I agreed to let him drop me off here – he wanted to meet you and in return he… he will pick me up too late.”

“Too – “ Dean began, but he understood quickly – a smile appeared on his face as he swung his arms around Cas’ shoulder. “We should make the best out of it, right?”

 

Dean’s blood pumped fast through his veins – so fast he could actually _hear_ it like white noise sweeping inside his head. He gave his best to finish fast and damn, that went pretty awesome. It wasn’t just him being focused and willing than ever before, it was also Cas’ eager help this time. His hands shook and he rubbed them notably often at his thighs as he basically dictated Dean what to write down – as he noticed it, Dean couldn’t help but to smile, but he decided not to bring it up. Cas already looked like he was about to explode.

“So… why was Gabriel so eager to see me?” Trying to sound casually as he asked this question that bugged him for a while, Dean pretended to focus on the pages of his Geography book. It didn’t go unnoticed that Cas started to shift on his chair and this behavior made Dean put the book aside. “Something’s wrong?”

“Well,” Cas smiled helplessly before he ran his hand across his face, “Gabriel saw us. Last night.”

The room went silent, only the sound from Dean’s pen hitting the desk was heard.

“He saw _what_?”

“Me… and you. In your car.”

“Wow.”

“That’s why he wanted to see you.” Cas swore the blush that crept up to his face made him glow like a firefly in the night. He knew how this must sound to Dean, he was pretty sure what that implied – he was about to say something, something to make this sound less like Gabriel assumed they were… more. But the smile on Dean’s face made him forget about his attempt to clarify the situation – Dean just smiled and nodded before he opened up the Geography book again.

 

“Come on, we’re almost done – we need to save something to do for tomorrow, right?” The back rest of Dean’s chair creaked loudly, as if it sighed in pain of the weight pressed against it while Dean was stretching. Cas ducked away from the arm suddenly coming in his direction and just as he wanted to say _Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today_ , he stopped. He felt Dean’s arm wrapping around his shoulder, pulling him closer. He shivered as he felt Dean’s warm breath brushing against his neck and he heard him whisper, low and rough. “I guess I deserved my reward, right?”

The memory of their talk the night before made Cas’ heart leap in excitement and before he could even agree, he already felt Dean’s lips brushing softly against his own. It was a tender, soft sensation and therefore, surprising; they were alone in Dean’s room, safe and free to do how they pleased and usually, Dean’s gestures of affection were rough and greedy, but this time, he was almost shy. Cas opened his eyes again to see Dean’s lips turning into a chary smile.

“Do you think he’s okay with it? Does Gabriel mind?” Dean leaned his head to rest against the crook of Cas’ neck as he spoke. He felt so dumb for asking it, but he had to – otherwise it would make him go mad. He wanted – no, he _needed_ – to know what Cas’ brother was thinking. No matter what, Sam’s opinion was always important to Dean and vice versa and he was pretty sure, the Milton brothers handled it similar. He shuddered as he felt Cas’ chest moving beneath him to draw in a deep breath and shivered as he felt the exhaled air against his skin.

“I think he is simply amused by the fact I am no longer… completely untouched.”

The grunt in Cas’ voice made Dean laugh, as he propped himself up to have a proper look into Cas’ face. He watched those blue eyes carefully looking at him and as if Cas wanted to say something, he opened up his lips, just a little, but he remained silent. Dean wondered what might be going on inside this stupid handsome head – surely a lot, considering the restless way his eyes kept wandering all across Dean’s face.

“Dean.” The sound of his name made him jump as if he snapped out of a trance.

“Yes?”

“This is an uncomfortable manner of sitting.”

“You _are_ sitting comfortable – I am the one bending myself like a snake.”

Cas raised his eyebrows, resisting the urge to say something along the lines of _Then let’s get more comfortable_ , knowing it would sound too ridiculous, too cheesy, too suggestive… simply too much. Instead, he said nothing as he leaned over to meet Dean’s face halfway.

They almost fell form their chairs as they were finally close enough again for a kiss. It was another soft brush, lacking any greedy pressure that was so evident basically every time they got close. There was affection but not the urgent kind – it was pure.

Dean painfully pressed his eyes together as they pulled away again, as if it hurt him to let go of Cas’ lips. Well, he really didn’t want to let go, to pull away – instead, he wanted Cas to be as close as possible. Not necessarily in a sexual way, he wasn’t even horny – well, maybe just a little – he just wanted to feel Cas’ warmth against his own. He wanted comfort, he craved intimacy.

Dean swallowed and kept his eyes shut, too embarrassed to look at the other – he wanted to say something, he fished for words, but he didn’t find any. Dean Winchester was the man for actions anyway, so he screwed the words and did what felt like the only right thing to do.

Dean got up from the chair and pulled Cas along with him. It came so sudden and abrupt that Cas thought he was getting his arms ripped out as he followed Dean up on his feet.

“I just wanna hold you.”

It was so silent, barely audible and barely even _there_ , but Cas was sure, he heard Dean saying exactly these words. He didn’t say anything in return, there was no need for doing so. Actions always would speak louder than words. Cas slipped his arms underneath Dean’s open shirt, along the muscle shirt he wore underneath and wrapped them tightly around his waist, feeling Dean’s arms tightening around him in return. They leaned towards each other until their foreheads touched. It was silent and neither moved, too much wrapped up in each other’s presence.

The embrace felt like it was flooding Dean with warmth and a rare feeling of security. He smiled.

_It’s a fucking crazy thing. Wonderful. Crazy, but wonderful._

Running his hands from Cas’ back to rest them on his chest, Dean tilted his head for a kiss. This time, he softly nibbled Cas’ lip as a little tease and smiled as he felt Cas’ hands tightening their grip in surprise.

“Come…”

This word was murmured softly, more like a question, a plea. With a nod, Cas followed as Dean took his hand to guide him to the bed. Before they even laid down on their sides, their arms were already wrapped around each other again and they pulled the other tight and close. Dean buried his face in the crook of Cas’ neck as he tucked his upper leg around the other boy’s. Cas rested his mouth against Dean’s forehead, giving some tender kisses before he closed his eyes.

They knew, any minute now, Cas’ phone would be ringing and he had to leave again, but they tried not to think about it. Instead, they focused on the pleasant things, like the way their breaths went in and out completely in a calm, steady synchrony and how they could feel both their hearts beating too fast in pure excitement of being so close. Wasn’t it weird? This surely was one of the most innocent things they did together and still, they were excited to be close. Even just wrapped up in an embrace, fully clothed and not even kissing or touching and still, they felt great. Dean thought hard but failed to remember the last time he did this, just laying with someone for the sake of warmth and security, with no intention of sex or at least making out – it must be a long time ago. But who cared? He was with Cas and it was perfect.

The scent of hair gel, shampoo and a slight trace of sweat filled Cas’ head and he was sure, there would never be something as exhilarating as Dean’s hair. This was just hair and some cosmetic products and still, the best thing he ever smelled before. Was this kind of thought considered as creepy or was it appropriate? Cas had no idea and if he was honest, he didn’t even bother. He felt safe, calm, at peace… he felt perfect. Hearing about people finding their soul mate, about falling in love and finding someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with, Cas already learned about affection in theory, but he never thought it could really feel this overwhelming. He never wanted to leave this bed again, he wanted him to be with him, never wanted to let go of Dean – did this mean Dean was his so-called soul mate? Did these romantic clichés really exist? Could it be – could it be he fell… in love? 

The moment this thought crossed his mind, his heart beat faster and he breathed out a pained whimper – he was scared, unsure what was happening and if it could be a good thing. Love stories barely end well, not in movies, books and for sure not in reality.

“You okay?”

Dean lifted his head to have a proper look at Cas’ face – what was going on that he suddenly jumped and stiffened?

Seeing the honest concern in Dean’s eyes only made this feeling in his guts worse – he had no idea what he felt, but he knew even less about Dean’s emotional state. What was Dean’s opinion of all this? Did he even have an opinion? Or any feelings? Would Cas ever know?

“Come on, buddy. Relax,” Dean mumbled and a short yet intense kiss indeed was able to calm Cas down again. It felt good. Honest. Maybe, it didn’t matter which label applied as long as both of them could stay like this for some time. Safe in each other’s arms and far away from anyone else in their own little world.

 

“And this is…?”

“Balthazar,” Cas sighed as he followed Dean out on the porch. He already feared this would be happening, but he believed in his brothers’ decency – in vain, as it turned out.

“Is your whole family eager to meet me?”

“No, just these nosy two.”

Cas clenched both his hands into painful fists as he stormed towards his brothers leaning against Gabriel’s car parked in front of the Singer’s house. They were adults now, why were they still entertained by embarrassing Cas?

“Did you have fun?”

Balthazar winked at Cas before turning to Dean, carefully eyeing him up and down in a painfully obvious way. “You’re the Dean, huh?”

“I guess so.” Dean frowned as he shook Balthazar’s extended hand. Seemed like Cas in fact was one of the normal ones in this very special family. Returning the curiosity, Dean had a look at Balthazar in return – his hair was shorter but almost as messy as Cas’ while being the same shade of brunette as Gabriel’s. Though he felt like he was under surveillance of curious brothers he couldn’t help but to smile as he realized that Cas was taller than his older brothers while surely not being a giant himself.

“I admire your taste, Cas. Didn’t expect you to pick such a fine piece of – “

“Thank you for picking me up,” Cas was quickly interrupting Balthazar before he could finish his sentence that surely would end up embarrassing him even more and he eagerly pushed his brother towards the car.

“Sorry for him, Dean,” Gabriel made a step up to Dean to pat his shoulder as he tried to hold back a laugh, “I had to bring him along. He didn’t believe Cas was friends with someone… like you.”

Before Dean had to chance to ask what exactly Gabriel meant, the oldest Milton was already pushed aside as well.

“Excuse their behavior, honestly… if I had known this was happening, I wouldn’t have let Gabriel drive me today.” Cas was really ashamed that their brothers were behaving like this in front of Dean, knowing exactly it would be an unpleasant experience for Cas.

“This is what brothers are there for, huh? Don’t you worry, bud,” Dean stroked Cas’ cheek and was about to kiss him, as he suddenly realized what he was about to do – he pulled back and punched Cas’ chest instead. _Be careful Winchester, you have audience._ “Uh… good night. See you tomorrow.” Unable to look at Cas again, Dean turned around on his heels and ran back to the house.

“Get in, Castiel, come on!” Gabriel shouted as he ignited the car and Cas finally moved.

“Am I seeing things or were you about to kiss?” At first, Cas was pleased to see Balthazar seated himself in the backseat, but quickly he realized he was only allowed to ride shotgun because this position allowed both Balthazar and Gabriel to bicker him.

“No, no, they were only shy because… of us.”

“Ah, too bad. Young lovers are such a beautiful sight.”

“We are _not_ lovers!” Cas shouted to overpower this annoying chattering going on beside him. He knew his cheeks must have become ruby red by now, so he turned away, pretending to be absorbed by the passing landscape.

“Real talk, boy,” Balthazar unbuckled himself, moved to sit in the middle of the backseat and leaned forward, between his brothers sitting in the front. “What’s this thing with you and the Dean guy?”

“There isn’t a _thing_.” Cas rolled his eyes and sighed. Being interrogated by his older brothers wasn’t too enjoyable, but the topic itself was a torture on his own. Cas was never someone too eager about sharing his thoughts and feelings but he would have been able to try to put it into words – but he didn’t have any words. He had no idea what Dean and him were sharing. Cas didn’t know a term that would fit and he had just decided to give up searching for one – irony of fate that his brothers were now eager for Cas giving it a name.

“No, of course not. That’s why you’re sneaking out at night only to kiss,” Gabriel giggled and Balthazar’s eyes lit up, both in amusement and disbelief.

“No way, Gabe, no way!”

“Oh yes, yes! Just last night!”

“Gabriel!” Cas’ felt heat spreading all over his face and he wasn’t sure which feeling overwhelmed; rage or embarrassement.

“Ah, sorry Cas, I promised to keep my mouth shut about it. Well, too late now.” Cas knew, if Gabriel hadn’t been the one driving, he would have punched him painfully.

“So you’re secretly kissing at night? Disguising making-out as homework? Didn’t expect you to be such a romantic,” Balthazar shrugged.

“We were doing homework, damnit.” Cas rubbed the back of his nose as he tried to remain calm. Flipping out would only amuse them the most, it had always been like that.

“But you are… a thing, right?”

The unexpected seriousness in Balthazar’s voice made Cas look back at him in surprise.

“Why you’re looking like a drowned cat, Castiel?”

Cas tried to force a smile but his face froze as he saw the honest concern on both his brother’s faces.

“Castiel, listen… we might not be the bestest friends or the most trustworthy brothers in this world, but… we just want to make sure you’re alright.”

“We don’t want anyone to rip your heart into shreds. Teenagers can be cruel and well, you are…”

“… an awkward naïve nerd. No offense.” As if he expected to be hit, Balthazar lifted up both his hands in a defensive way. But Cas simply overheard the little jibe, too busy to grasp what they were saying.

“We just try to keep you from doing the same mistakes we did, you know?” Gabriel moved one hand away from the wheel and patted Cas’ leg. “Don’t let anyone push you into doing stuff you don’t want, okay? Only do what you’re comfortable with. If he can’t accept it, it’s his problem, not yours.”

“And just because you’re both dudes doesn’t mean you don’t need protection! Always wear a condom!”

“Balthazar, please!” Cas buried in face in his hands, but the older ones started laughing.

“He’s embarrassed. What a cutie.”

* * *

Though he knew better, Cas couldn’t help but to think about what his brothers were talking about earlier. That was nothing but curiosity and amusement mixed with concern and advice, nothing too serious, he was very sure. But still, these things kept on going around inside his head.

They got it wrong, completely. They assumed Dean and him were something… more. They weren’t anything – anything simple. He didn’t want to think about it anymore, but the thoughts already dominated his mind. Calling them “lovers” surely was nothing but a way to bicker Cas while lacking another, more fitting word, but it felt like so much more.

They weren’t lovers.

They were… something else.

Cas had been alright with leaving this topic be and yet, he couldn’t think of anything else. But he knew, no matter how much and how hard he would think, it wouldn’t help him in any way. He would never find an answer. How could he? He never had fallen in love, never even had a crush on someone or felt a slight attraction to someone before. He had no idea what any of this was supposed to feel like, he only knew that when he was with Dean, he felt something he had never felt before.

Dean maybe did.

No, Dean _surely_ did.

Cas pulled the blanket over his head, trying to shield himself from any more incoming thoughts. He didn’t like any of those that kept crossing his mind, with himself unable to stop it. He just wanted to enjoy the time he was spending with Dean. Who knows much time they would have left before they would drift apart again? He didn’t want to ruin any precious minute by trying to find any sense. But his mind couldn't stop to torture him.

Some time in the past, for all the girls he dated, kissed and Cas preferred not to think about what else, Dean surely felt love or something coming close enough. Like in those movies Cas had watched with Anna, those high school teenage romances with a happy ending and big confessions of true and infinite love. He never liked them because he thought they were exaggerated and too much over the top, but now, he was surprised to realize they weren’t too far from reality. He remembered some of the so-called love scenes and they resembled the intimate moments he shared with Dean – this realization shot a rush of adrenalin through his veins. He was excited, but afraid. He had no idea what all of this was becoming and where it would lead him - would it lead him somewhere Dean was willing to go, too?

* * *

 

“Today you’re going to drive on your own. I didn’t like that the boys picked you up too late without telling me.”

Cas nodded as he glared down into his bowl of already soggy cornflakes. He didn’t like Naomi’s way of starting the day with telling-offs and commands, but he knew, it could have been worse. At least she was just mad at anyone and not grounding him. He still was allowed to see Dean and that was the only thing that really mattered. Falling asleep was hard the night before, not just because of the overthinking that suddenly seemed so ridiculous with the morning after’s clarity. It didn’t matter what they shared as long as it lasted – a statement so simple that Cas couldn’t believe that he actually worried so much about it just a few hours ago. But what made sleep almost impossible even as his mind became too tired to think was the lack of warmth underneath his blanket. He had reached out, half asleep, but only grabbed into nothing – the moment his hand had fallen on the empty pillow beside him, he jumped. His drowsy subconscious expected someone there and his sense knew whom. Being wrapped up in each other was something he craved to happen again.

“If you’re not back in time I swear I’ll make you never leave the house until college.”

 

When Cas parked his car on the Singer’s ground, Dean ran up to him, completely out of breath but smiling widely.

“What are you so happy about, Dean?”

“Are you trying to strike roots there? Come on in,” Dean said eagerly as he took Cas’ hand. He pressed their palms together and slipped his fingers through Cas’ to hold his hand more tightly – Dean was happy that Cas was behind him, unable to see that his smile turned into a surely ridiculous clown’s grimace as he felt Cas’ hand getting comfortable in his own.

Though his hand cramped at first, as an intuitively reaction, Cas decided to relax. This was one of those moments he should relish and since he never conciously had held hands with anyone before, he was curious.

 _So this is what it feels like_.

Inside, Cas immediately noticed the unusual quietness all through the house. No clattering anywhere, no machine sounds from the garage, no TV or radio.

“They’re flown out. Tea time with Bobby’s great grand step aunt or something like that,” Dean explained as if he could read Cas’ mind while he opened up the door leading down to the basement.

“Ah, nice.”

“Nice?” Dean chuckled as he pulled Cas to tell him to hurry up. “Afternoons like that are hell on earth, I tell you.”

With a loud, aching creak, Dean opened up the door to his room and closed the door behind Cas again, still holding his hand. Finally, Dean turned around and after both gained enough courage to move their heads up, their eyes met.

_This is what it feels like… and it feels good._

He felt a lump in his throat and his heartbeat was becoming a rampage, but Dean didn’t feel like this was enough – he pulled Cas closer and ran his thumb over the back of the other boy’s hand. As if in unspoken agreement, they pressed their still free hands against each other and entwined their fingers. They leaned closer to place their foreheads against each other and breathed in deep, breathing in each other’s presence and the soothing silence all around them.

“I finished the rest of the homework,” Dean whispered and Cas pulled back to have a proper look at Dean’s face to see him smiling shyly.

“Honestly?” Cas raised an eyebrow – sure, he was proud of Dean but he wanted to make sure Dean didn’t try to find a way around homework.

“Yep.” Dean’s proud smile made Cas chuckle.

“Okay, then show me.”

“Hm,” Dean hummed and reluctantly let go of one of Cas’ hands as he went over to his desk, pulling Cas along with him.

Flipping through the folders, books and work sheets on the pile Dean pushed towards him, Cas quickly went through everything Dean did on his own.

“Wow,” Cas breathed out and Dean squeezed his hand.

“Damn, I knew I fucked up,” Dean whispered, but Cas shook his head.

“It’s all perfectly correct. You did a good job.”

“Seriously?”

“Absolutely. Considering you missed two whole weeks of school, this is pretty… impressive.”

“Shut up,” Dean snatched the papers out of Cas’ hands and silenced him with a kiss. He didn’t like hearing this, he didn’t like feeling flustered, compliments are nice but not those aimed at him. It felt wrong, like a lie – and he didn’t want to even consider Cas lying to him.

Dean let go of Cas’ hand but only to let both of his palms wander across Cas’ chest, to his back and to the chest again. He started to undo the top buttons of Cas' shirt, cautiously not to miss a shift in Cas’ mood and nibbled Cas’ bottom lip as to ask for permission to go further.

Cas replied with his lips parting and his hands moving up to the collar of Dean’s open plaid shirt, which he wore over a simple gray shirt. A quick motion and the shirt hung from the shoulders – Cas pulled away from Dean's mouth and quickly covered the newly exposed skin at the crook of Dean’s neck with kisses and licks, making Dean shudder.

They almost tripped several times as they tried to make their way towards the bed while stripping each other at the same time. They exchanged smiles, giggles and sloppy kisses until they finally reached their destination. Dean leaned down to lift the blanket and gestured to the revealed mattress, telling Cas to lay down. A little surprised by the invitation, Cas frowned at Dean as he obeyed the silent instruction, Dean following right away, tucking them both in.

“Stop frowning, dude. Just wanna make sure we’re warm,” Dean said as he kissed Cas, running his hands down his chest. They wore nothing but their boxers anymore and Dean contemplated changing something about this circumstance. Meanwhile, Cas climbed on Dean’s lap and bend down for a long kiss. This kiss quickly got out of hand, as if they tried to even out the innocence of the previous kisses – Dean’s nails drilled through the boxer’s fabric as he grabbed Cas’ ass a little too tightly, but who could blame him? He felt like he needed something to hold on to, he needed stability after Cas started to grind down against him in an unexpected and yet very appreciated obscene way. Though he wouldn’t have minded to prolong the kiss, Dean was glad he could finally breathe as Cas moved on to caress his neck with licks, bites and kisses. This kid was indeed dirtier than the nerd he appeared to be. Dean was sure – if Cas wasn’t stopping soon, he wouldn’t last long. Sharp teeth scratched along his neck and the pleasing pain made Dean jerk up his hips, much to Cas’ joy. The low laugh he breathed out made Dean open up his eyes again.

“So you like to tease, huh?”

Before Dean himself knew what he was doing, he pushed Cas down. He straddled the surprised boy’s lap and with firm hands pushing down the shoulders, Cas was pressed against the mattress. Cas didn't even consider protesting, as Dean started sucking and nibbling at a sensitive spot on Cas’ neck – this felt _too_ good.

Following his lust, Dean’s hands and lips made their way deeper and deeper along Cas’ body, his tongue playing around Cas’ nipples while his hands already fumbled with Cas’ boxers – after a rough pull Cas understood he was supposed to move his hips up.

Almost tearing them apart, Dean pulled the stupid clothing down, not all the way, but enough to reveal Cas’ already completely hard erection.

Before he did anything else, Dean looked up to Cas’ face, searching for a sign telling him whether he should stop or go on. Breathlessly, Cas nodded slightly and Dean smiled as he crawled deeper down. He wrapped his hand around the hard cock and started stroking it, faster and faster, carefully watching Cas’ reaction. And damn, that was a good kind of reaction – Cas closed his eyes as he tilted his head back, his hands cramping as he clawed to the blanket. Yes, Dean liked that and something twitching in his boxers liked it even more.

Yes.

Yes, Dean had had the idea for a while now and now, yes now, he felt like it was the right moment. He felt brave, somewhat curious, but the feeling that overwhelming was wanting. Not that kind of egoistic wanting, no, he was wanting to give something, to give pleasure.

“Tell me when you’re not cool with something, okay?”

Not loosening the grip, Dean looked up again but nothing in Cas’ mimic told him that he was _not_ enjoying this. _Alright_ , Dean smiled to himself, _let’s go_.

With his spare hand, Dean pushed Cas’ leg aside, to have enough room to climb between them. Before leaning down, he carefully looked at Cas’ erection in his hands one more time.

Wasn’t it weird? He was completely fine with – he wasn’t freaking out like he had assumed first. He wasn’t even just accepting it, no, he was just _fascinated_ that he was there with Cas, and no one else but Cas. As long as this was Cas’ body, he would do anything as long as he knew it would feel good to Cas, and damn, he wanted to make Cas feel _perfect_.

Gently, Dean placed his lips on the tip of Cas’ cock as he slowed down the speed of his strokes. The gasp he heard escaping Cas’ mouth made him smile as he parted his lips.

He bowed his head a little more downwards, curious to get more of this sensation. At first he was a little taken back by the sudden taste of salty bitterness, but as he suddenly realized it was Cas, Cas inside his mouth – all the other thoughts in his head were irrelevant, unheard, pushed aside. This was intimate, passionate and nothing he wanted to share with anyone who was not Castiel Milton.

After adjusting his head and jaw until he got comfortable, Dean opened up his mouth a little more, taking Cas in a little deeper. Carefully, of course. He still had to get used to it, this certainly wasn’t as easy as in porn – another lie from the porn industry. One day, Dean would write them a complaining letter about their misleading.

_What was happening?_

His fingers dug deep into the blanket, desperately trying to find a grip, to get some control – Cas felt like otherwise, he would float away, explode or something else highly unlikely but suddenly so plausible. He knew these feelings, but he never felt them this intense. What was Dean doing – well, Cas knew what Dean was doing – but… why?

Cas didn’t even try to hold back any of the moans as he felt Dean’s tongue playing around with the most sensitive parts of his painfully erected penis. He felt it twist around the tip, then sliding down on one side as Dean slid deeper down, almost swallowing him whole.

This felt so good, it felt perfect and he couldn’t even be bothered by Dean’s teeth accidently scratching and biting him. Those little pains were a welcoming change to all these overwhelming pleasant feelings that made his head spin dangerously fast.

“You like?” Dean pulled away and with a firm suck, he released Cas. His eyes wandered over the trembling body, along the hands buried in the blanket up to his face, eyes closed and lips parted. The boy was a mess, obviously, and Dean was proud of being the one responsible. Cas mumbled something Dean wasn’t sure whether it was _Don’t stop_ or _Shut up_ , but either way it meant Cas was more than okay with what Dean did.

The second time Dean slid his lips down on Cas’ cook, it felt even better. He enjoyed hollowing his cheeks to make room and sucking harder and harder, he loved to hear the whimpers and moans Cas made and the way he was bending his body was almost too much of a turn on for Dean. With his free hand, Dean reached down, to his own crotch and rubbed his palm over his own pounding dick, which was only held back by the fabric of his already wetted boxers. Maybe he could get Cas as well as himself off.

Fingers scratching his scalp as they tried to get a hold of his head, made Dean pull away and look up – he wanted to ask Cas what was going on, if something was wrong, but a tongue slipping inside his mouth made him forget anything he wanted to say. Cas pushed Dean back to sit down and climbed on his lap. While giving into another deep kiss, Cas fingered with Dean’s boxers – Dean helped Cas to free his own cock. Cas immediately wrapped his fingers around it, and Dean replied by doing the same to Cas’.

“I want it this way,” Cas breathed out before placing another kiss on Dean’s lips. Cas’ hands were tight and quick and damn, that kid knew how to jerk off. Dean barely was able to keep his hands moving around Cas, too overwhelmed by the feelings building up in his stomach.

Cas tasted himself as his tongue went deeper into Dean’s mouth and it was overwhelming – this was nothing self-evident, this was so intimate and Dean was alright with it, Dean wanted it, he initiated it. Dean obviously wanted Cas close and Cas knew he wanted nothing more than having Dean close in return.

“Cas, fuck,” Dean pulled away from the kiss as he threw his head back, sighing in relief. Cas felt the warmth come streaming down his hand and thankfully, Dean didn’t stop because this was all Cas needed to come as well.

Breathing heavily, Cas rested his head on Dean’s shoulder.

“Cas… you’re the best.”

* * *

_This is embarrassing. On so many levels._

Cas ran through the hallways as if the devil himself was chasing after him. He was late. For the first time in almost twelve years of school, Cas was late.

The bell hadn’t rung yet and he still could make it on time, he wasn’t _too_ late yet, he encouraged himself as he navigated his way around the students that were still roaming around.

With a sigh, he sat down on his seat as the bell rang. He made it on time. What a blessing.

“Overslept?” Dean smiled at the sight of a completely breathless, ruffled and hounded Cas almost collapsing on the desk next to him.

“No,” Cas shook his head, hesitantly. He couldn’t look into Dean’s eyes. He was ashamed.

“Are you okay?” The nudge against his arm made Cas jump.

“Yes, yes, I am… It’s all good.” He didn’t want Dean to worry, so Cas forced a smile and the moment he caught Dean’s gaze, he felt his blood shooting straight into his undergarments. _Not_ _again_.

“Seriously?”

“Yes, Dean, yes… I am fine.” Cas lied through his teeth, ashamed. He knew it was naturally, but still, he disliked the vivacious hormone activity. How was he supposed to be attentive when all he could think of was Dean being good to him? That was the reason why he had been late in the first place – the usual morning shower took unusual long that day. Twice.

* * *

Within few days, Dean was completely back in the school game, like he had never been gone. He could join every conversation on any topic, thanks to Cas he was up to date with every lesson and neither the teachers nor the other students couldn’t be bothered to make a remark about his absence. At first, he was afraid to be stigmatized and completely out of touch, but those fears were completely unfounded. Everything was the way it always had been.

Well, except _one_ thing.

Cas.

Dean couldn’t put his finger on it, but something between them was different. Well, sure, Dean was very aware of the fact he had Cas’ dick in his mouth, so it wasn’t completely surprising that there was a change. It wasn’t a bad thing, not at all, but it wasn’t making anything better either. He was barely able to look at Cas anymore without the urge to rip off both their clothes and from the way Cas’ eyes lingered so much longer on him, he assumed, Cas felt the same. They were both careful not to touch, not to be alone somewhere at school and not to do anything that might give away their secret. They even made sure to have a certain safety distance between them. Just in case.

Yes, them being so much more cautious with what they were doing was surely a big difference. But the weirdest thing was Cas’ invitation. Out of the blue, in the middle of the week, Cas would be home alone and so, he invited Dean over. This would have been the most normal thing in the world, if it hadn’t been Castiel _Overprotected_ Milton. But Dean was too happy and too avid to go than anything else.

On his way to Cas, Dean browsed through the aisles of the supermarket he stopped at. Cas had asked him to get some _properly unhealthy snacks_ and who would Dean be to deny him this wish?

Packed with the best things he found, Dean made his way to the checkout. Of course he had to walk all the way through the uncomfortably big supermarket, taking shortcuts through the other departments. From the corner of his eye, somewhere in the middle of the drugstore department, he caught a glimpse of something that made him stop.

Condoms. Lube. Lots of it.

He made a step up to the shelf, to have a proper look at it. Should he buy something? Just in case? Considering their last time together, it wasn’t unlikely to happen… no. _No, Winchester, no_ , Dean told himself as he turned around again. _Don’t even think about thinking about it._

 

Back out in the parking lot, Dean noticed familiar folks hanging out around his car.

“Hey, Winchester!” Uriel, the tall footballer, walked up to Dean, smiling widely. Though he had no clue why his presence caused the jock so much joy, Dean smiled back in return.

“Hey I-forgot-your-surname.”

“Funny as always. I like that.”

Dean didn’t like this undertone in Uriel’s voice, but he decided to keep it cool as he opened up the baby’s trunk to drop his shopped goods, but as he turned around to realize Uriel and his jock friends basically encircled him, he felt _really_ uneasy.

“Can I help you?” Dean asked, trying to sound unimpressed though five football players against one was rather impressive.

“No,” Uriel shrugged.

“Your friends aren’t that talkative, huh?” Though his smile remained cocky, he knew, he shouldn’t have said that.

“Where you’re going? Castiel?” Uriel didn’t seem to care about Dean’s remark.

“Well, if you’d let me pass, yeah.” Dean sighed. Where was this going?

“You’re _very_ close.”

“Hey, Zachariah! Nice to hear your angelic voice!” Though he knew it was a lame attempt, Dean hoped his jokes might change the topic.

“You and Piano Boy get along very well. It’s nice to see he’s opening up again.” Uriel made a step towards Dean, who tried to make a step backwards himself, but the Impala’s trunk was already right behind him.

“Yeah, why not?”

“Some awful things happened to him. Poor, poor Piano Boy. He played beautifully. He was the rising star of the school’s orchestra, until, well, until his hand was broken.”

“Yeah, I know. He had a surgery.” Dean was curious, though he felt like he shouldn’t trust any of them. There was something foul in the air.

“Oh yes, the surgery. He had to wear a cast for – I don’t know how long. He started wearing this ugly coat and no one ever saw his arm again.”

“Maybe he doesn’t even have his arm anymore!” Zachariah’s remark made the other boys laugh, but Dean was just more confused as he started to look around. He felt like he was piecing something together.

“What’s so funny about an injured arm?”

“It’s not the injury! That’s painful. Ouch.” Uriel reached to hold his wrist in mimicked painful way. “It’s the reaction. One day – the prodigy, the miracle kid, the one who would go far… he next day – a whiny lump wrapped in Colombo’s rag coat. At least, he was silent since then. Nobody wanted to hear his jingle-jangle anymore, anyway.”

Dean heard enough – enough to understand perfectly fine what was going on and enough to boil in rage.

“You!” Dean stomped up to Uriel, who made a step back in surprise. “You did this to him!”

“I did what?” Still smiling smugly, Uriel raised an eyebrow, but Dean wasn’t in the mood for kidding around.

“You know what?” Dean grabbed the collar of Uriel’s jacket to pull him closer. “Come one step too close to Cas again and I will break your neck. Understand?”

“Dean, Dean!” Uriel patted Dean’s shoulder, making Dean let go of him. “Calm down. No one’s going to touch him… well, except you.”

Before Dean realized what Uriel just told him, the jocks ran away.

“Have fun with your darling!”

Dean wanted to reply, wanted to shout an insult, a witty reply, anything. He wanted to run after them, beat them up and break each single bone in their bodies. He really wanted to. But he knew, they wouldn’t be worth the trouble. Instead, he should hurry to see Cas – now he was more eager than ever to see him.

Suddenly, he felt like he understood something essential, something huge about Cas – with squeaky tires, he drove off.


	16. Take Me Away To That Special Place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hello and welcome!! :)
> 
> The song in this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ff8UwvPK0G4 is what I imagine what it sounds like when... well, you'll read it in the following chapter (I don't want to spoil anything ;) ) (The title of this chapter is inspired from the original songs's lyrics - I thought it captured this chapter's spirit)  
> I somehow feel like this chapter lacks some action, but some important developments take place instead~ so I hope it's okay this way! :)
> 
> So, please enjoy and let me know what you're thinking (you've been so incredibly sweet so far!) !

“I’m coming!”

Almost tripping over his own feet, Cas rushed downstairs, startled by the doorbell that kept on ringing without interruption. As he approached the front door, he heard a steady and loud banging, too – was this Dean? Or some kind of emergency?

He paced up, opened the door with a fast, swaying motion and almost got a fist knocked against his head.

“Cas,” Dean whispered, his widened eyes carefully scanned Cas from head to toes.

“Well, who did you expect?” Cas raised an eyebrow as he tried to decipher Dean’s aghast expression. Without a doubt, Dean was outraged, but why?

Instead of replying, Dean cupped Cas’ cheeks and pushed him inside, kicking the door on his way in. The moment it fell shut behind them, Dean held Cas’ face up to his own and kissed him quick, only for the break of a second, until he pulled the surprised host closer for a tight embrace.

“I am glad to see you, too, Dean,” Cas smiled as he leaned away from Dean, trying to get a proper look at him. Dean’s eyes weren’t widened anymore, instead, they narrowed to an angry frown.

“Does it hurt?” Dean grunted as he got a tight hold of Cas' shoulders.

“What?”

“When you play the piano! Does it still hurt?” Dean almost shouted as he shook Cas, who tried his best to follow Dean’s trail of thoughts but had to admit he failed in doing so.

“No, no, it doesn’t – why are you asking, Dean?” Tired of being shaken and held so tightly, Cas reached for Dean’s hand and pulled it away. Baffled, as if he just realized what his hands had been doing, Dean looked at them, then at Cas, and his expression softened slowly.

“So you are not in pain, are you?”

“No, Dean. What is wrong?” Cas made a step up to Dean. He stood way too close for a normal conversation, but this was average distance for Cas, who still had some trouble to understand the concept of socially acceptable space between people - but Dean couldn’t even bring himself to bother about _that_ now.

“Why didn’t you tell me? About… Uriel?” To make clear what he was referring to, Dean poked Cas’ arm, the exact arm where he remembered seeing the scar. The right gears in Cas’ mind finally clicked and he understood.

“How do – what did – what do you know?” Cas didn’t know where to start with all these questions that went all around in his mind. He never told Dean – or anyone else. Dean being informed about this was confusing, unsettling him.

“He told me – well, technically he did _not_ , but I got the hint.”

“What did he –” Cautiously, Cas leaned in closer as he whispered, as if someone in the empty house could hear them, but he stopped mid-sentence. Dean pressed his lips against Cas’ forehead as he ran a hand through untamed hair.

“He’s lucky I wasn’t in the mood to kick his ass…” Dean mumbled against Cas’ forehead as he wrapped his arms around him for another embrace.

Cas’ fingers clawed into Dean’s shirt as he reciprocated the hug, confused, insecure but so relived to feel the familiar body pressed against his own. Was this conversation he preferred not to have happening now? He knew, sooner or later, these facts might reach Dean, but he hoped that later would be the case. He was nervous, but Dean’s heartbeat which he felt against his ribcage told him, Dean must be, too.

“Would you play?” Dean could have bitten his tongue for saying it out loud, but he couldn’t hold it back either. He glared over Cas’ shoulder, his gaze getting lost in the nowhere of the corridor, as he took a deep breath, inhaling Cas’ scent and focusing on the feeling of the other one against him. He needed to feel Cas, he needed to confirm Cas was real and there and with him – he needed to calm down.

“What do – do you want me to play… now?” Cas tried to hold back his excitement as he asked what he needed to know so desperately. He couldn’t believe his ears. He couldn’t believe Dean just asked for something Cas never even knew how to bring up.

“Would you?” Dean pulled back to have a proper look at Cas’ face, holding it in place with both his hands. He waited for those restless eyes to finally look at him, before he continued. “I’m really curious now, you know?”

Cas smiled. Someone wanted to hear him play, and not just anyone, it was _Dean_. He really asked for it. Roughly ten minutes after he put the keyboard back in to the closet, along with his plan to play _that_ song, that one certain special song, Dean was able to change his mind. Cas just had decided to never touch any key again – and now, he was eager to play, willing to play, bursting with joy to play again.

“Since you ask so nicely,” Cas smiled and Dean punched his chest.

“You’re a dork, Cas, you know that?”

“And still you came here to see me, right?”

* * *

“Can I help you? Is it – is it too heavy? I can help – “

“Dean, I am not doing it for the first time.”

“Sure. But… looks heavy.”

“You don’t have to treat me like a raw egg, Dean.”

“I’m not. But still –”

“My arm has been intact for more than a year. It’s fine.”

Sitting on the bed’s edge, hands fold up in his lap, Dean watched Cas climbing into his closet to get out a stand, then a huge keyboard. Carefully, Cas put up the stand and lifted the massive black and white instrument to place it on top of it. Of course Cas is capable of doing it on his own. Cas isn’t a weak little puppy – Dean didn’t have to pamper him, never. Dean didn’t have to protect or take care of him, he didn’t have to be there _for_ him, he could just be _with_ him.

After Cas made sure he set up the keyboard in a way that allowed him to face Dean, he wheeled his chair from the desk and sat down.

“I hope I won’t mess it up – I am… I’m still not that fit anymore. Bear with me,” Cas smiled as he ran a hand through his hair. His eyes wandered along the keys as if he tried to memorize each single one. Then, he drew in a breath, held it for a moment, before he let it out again with a sigh.

The moment was there, that moment he never thought would come, the moment he both dreaded and couldn’t await.

He could do it.

He played the same for Gabriel a couple of days before and it went good. He is perfectly able to play the piano. He knew the song, he knew the notes all by heart. All will be fine. No one was going to nark him, there was no one, no one but Dean. And Dean wanted to hear him, Dean asked for him to play. He wouldn’t feel annoyed.

_All is well, Castiel, all is fine._

He lowered his hand, his middle finger pressed down a key – there it was, the first note. Now Cas couldn’t back out any more – and he didn’t want to. The moment this sound vanished to silence, Cas’ hands worked almost on their own, he didn’t think about any motion, he simply trusted his fingers to create the music he rehearsed so many times before. He felt the song spilling out of him to fill the room with the melody that seemed to become one with his heartbeat.

In complete awe, Dean watched Cas play – at first, he was just curiously watching, but the more he heard, the more his mouth stood open. He had never seen someone play an instrument in person before, so this was even more special to him. His heart raced. Cas played so fast, so skilled and looked so concentrated and yet, so peaceful. Dean leaned a little more forwards and saw that Cas’ eyes were closed. Cas didn’t even look at the keys and yet, hit them perfectly one after another – and then, it dawned on him. Then, Dean suddenly realized something.

He recognized the song.

This wasn’t one of those standard piano songs. This was none of those ordinary, dusty, classical pieces.

Hell no.

It was Guns ‘N Roses’ _Sweet Child O’ Mine_.

Cas did not play anything random, he played a particular song. Could it be, was there a possibility Cas chose the song for… him? No, no, highly unlikely. But Dean was too distracted to ask himself useless questions. He tried to follow Cas’ motions, but his hands were too fast – and damn, that kid did not hit one wrong note, despite the fast pace. It was almost impossible how relaxed and _beautiful_ Cas looked like as he played like the devil himself. There was no frown, no worry, no confusion in his face, which looked so soft and perfect, so content and simply glad.

_He is so beautiful._

As if in trance, hypnotized by the music, Dean didn’t notice he stood up and walked up to Cas. He came to stop in front of the keyboard, the moment the last chord faded.

Quickly, Cas pulled his hands away, as if he was ashamed of what he just did with them and looked up – he stirred in surprise as he looked into Dean’s eyes right in front of him; he hadn’t noticed him coming closer.

Unbearably long seconds neither said a word, Dean’s still blown mind was not able to find any fitting words while Cas was dying to hear any kind of feedback, afraid to have failed. Why, why, _why_ was Dean not saying anything in _this exact moment_? Dean, the one who never lacked words, who always had something to say, who never failed to give a response was being mute _now_? This was nothing good, there was no way this could be a good sign. Dean must be disappointed, disappointed because he expected something better, disappointed to hear one of his favorite songs being slaughtered, disappointed because –

“Cas… this was fucking brilliant.”

A loud, unmelodic dissonance came to sound instead of a reply – Cas dropped his hands on the keys, astonished by the unexpected words he just heard and jumped on his feet right away. He couldn’t take his eyes off Dean’s, that watched him with a questioning glare.

“You okay, Cas?”

Dean liked it. Dean _really_ said he liked it – this was more than Cas could even dare to dream of. He felt the muscles in his face shaping a smile and his heart made a summersault.

“Absolutely, Dean.”

The sudden change in Cas’ expression from _deer in the headlights_ to _jackpot winner_ was confusing, but Dean couldn’t bother to try to understand this shift – as long as Cas was happy, Dean was, too.

“How did you – I mean, how – how did you learn to play like this? Did you sell your soul for this skill?” Still not over the amazement of what he just witnessed, Dean looked at his own, than at Cas’ hands. They didn’t look too different, so… how? Sure, Dean knew first-hand that Cas’ hands were _very_ skilled, but still, he just couldn’t get his head around it.

“Sell my – _what_? No, Dean, I just play for a very long time. My mother taught me when I was four…” Cas’ voice trailed off, suddenly vividly remembering those days so far away, when his mother would sit him next to her and teach him how to play lullabies, always smiling and so proud of him.

“She surely would think you killed it, dude.” Dean made his way around the keyboard to smack Cas’ shoulder to cheer him up again. Of course it didn’t go unnoticed that Cas’ mind drifted away and Dean knew himself, memories sometimes were both happy and sad at once, so he could imagine how Cas must feel like remembering his mother. Dean himself didn’t feel any different.

“I didn’t kill – _oh_. It is a compliment, right?” The way Cas tilted his head in confusion and then, the way his eyes lit up as the penny dropped made Dean smile. He felt a wave of shivers coming from his stomach and spreading through him. He couldn’t help but to think that this was so very damn… adorable. Yes, adorable. Adorable just like the way Cas’ eyes crinkled as he beamed at Dean, so proud of himself. Not even trying to resist, Dean cupped Cas’ face and placed a soft, gentle kiss on the other boy’s lips.

“Of course it’s a compliment, dumbass.”

“That certainly was _not_ a compliment. But thank you, anyway.” Cas replied with another short and still sweet kiss. He felt so good, so very, very good. As if a heavy weight had been lifted from his chest, he found it suddenly so easy to breathe. He was happy. Yes, _happy_ was the term that applied the most to his current emotional state. The smile just didn’t want to disappear from his face and he closed his eyes as he leaned his forehead against Dean’s. This felt all so good.

“You should play again. At the orchestra.”

Cas’ eyes snapped open again and immediately met Dean’s, only a few inches away from his own. This lighthearted feeling of happiness suddenly got heavy, he felt his heart drop in his chest and his smile became an open mouth, forming a silent _No_ , that quickly became louder. Dean pulled away, holding Cas’ upper arms, staring at him, not really believing what he just heard.

“What? No? Why? Cas, you’re a damn genius. It’s a waste –“

“I said no, Dean. I will never play for anyone again. Never.” These words spilled out of him and after Cas let them sink in, he suddenly discovered their truth – he spoke out a decision before he even realized he made it. “I will never play again. I made an exception for you, one last time. I’ve quit for good and that’s –“

“That’s nuts, Cas, absolutely nuts.” Dean shook his head as he cut Cas off, tired of hearing him saying things like these.

“No, this is a reasonable decision –“

“ _You_ did not decide this.” Dean’s low and suddenly so serious voice made Cas forget any attempt of cutting him off again. “You didn’t do any of this deliberately. You did this because you were afraid – afraid of Uriel and his gang of dicks.” Dean was surprised of himself that he really was saying these things, but he knew, he couldn’t drop the topic, not now. Cas’ wide opened eyes that looked at him almost scared reminded Dean that he should maybe soften his speech a little. “See,” Dean cleared his throat as he tried to calm down again, forcing himself to forget the rage boiling inside his guts – it was Uriel he was mad at, not Cas. “You cannot let them win. Do you want to hide for the rest of school? Is this what you want your life to be? No, man, no. I can’t let you do this.”

“Dean,” Cas finally found his voice again, “you don’t understand – I want this. I want it exactly like this. I don’t want people’s attention.”

“But you want to play.”

“Not under these circumstances. I can play for myself and that’s fine.” This sentence came so easily, automatically, Cas didn’t even have to think about it. This sentence was part of his own mantra which he repeated every day. _I don’t want public attention. I can play, but for myself. Nobody will be annoyed when I’m quiet. Quiet is perfectly fine._

“Seriously?” Dean raised his eyebrows, not really buying what Cas tried to sell him. “Cas, seriously? Just because of some dicks you’re doing – “

“Dean!” Cas pushed said one away, all of sudden and with so much force that Dean almost stumbled as he tried to catch himself from falling. “You have no idea what you are talking about! I don’t know what they told you, but please, please – shut up. I’m serious. You have no idea. You have no idea what happened.”

“Cas…” Dean’s whisper was a complete contrast to Cas’ almost shouting, “I – I am sorry…”

“It’s okay,” Cas breathed out loudly, trying to calm himself by normalizing his breathing pattern again. “I didn’t mean to – it’s… it’s a difficult topic, okay?”

“I know… God, I’m so sorry… I didn’t want to… bring it all up and force you to play and…” Dean’s voice cracked. He felt so stupid. He intruded Cas’ life and started to command without having any clue. He didn’t just tear old scars open, no, he even salted them.

“Dean… it’s okay. I am the one who should apologize, my outburst was unnecessary.” Turning away from Dean, Cas walked up to the window. Any moment, he knew, he would hear his bedroom door falling shut and Dean would leave again. This wasn’t at all what he had planned for that afternoon, but things never turn out the way he would have liked. Cas smiled, he felt too weak and helpless to cry as his eyes wandered along the neighborhood and the sky and Dean’s car he expected to leave any minute.

“It sucks that you hide this. It was… awesome.”

Cas’ heart stopped as he felt two arms wrapping around him, pulling him into a warm embrace from behind. A soft kiss against the crook of his neck made him shiver.

“Dean…” In the reflection of the window glass, Cas could see him. He was still there. Dean wasn’t leaving.

“You know, after hearing what these jerks told me… and hearing you play so perfectly… it’s just unfair.”

“You liked it?”

“Of course, Cas.” Dean brushed a kiss against the soft skin of Cas’ neck before he continued. “Uhm, could – could I ask you something?”

“Sure,” Cas shrugged. He was willing to hear Dean out, the hesitation in his voice was already giving away that the question must be some kind of important for Dean.

“You started wearing the coat not too long ago, right? Right after you got a cast…?” Dean didn’t dare to continue, he felt like he got too personal again – unconsciously, afraid of being shoved away again, he tightened his arms around Cas, making clear he didn’t want to let go.

“Seems like they told you… everything,” Cas sighed. Even when he tried his best to stay away from them, the jocks still were able to affect his life. “Yes, I wore it over the cast. Didn’t want anyone to see it. I guess it helped me to pretend that it wasn’t there in front of them. Then, I couldn’t stop to wear it. I got used to it. I guess it made me feel safe.”

Cas sighed. He felt Dean’s hands stroking his arms, as if to tell _It’s okay_.

“You know what? You don’t need the coat anymore. I am here to make you feel safe.” Dean whispered into Cas’ ear, so quietly. This wasn’t just a phrase, he wasn’t just trying to comfort Cas – he made a promise, he swore and gave Cas his word.

Cas shivered and he felt his knees getting weak, it took all of his remaining strength to keep his body in an upwards position. He couldn’t believe his ears. He wanted to say something, but all of his attempts to say something ended in gasps for air.

“I didn’t know you’re into Guns ‘N Roses.” Dean said casually, changing the topic as if nothing had happened. He felt Cas almost collapsing in his arms and he assumed another topic would help Cas to calm down. Anyway, he _really_ was curious about Cas’ choice of songs.

“I’m not,” Cas smiled, glad Dean couldn’t see the upcoming blush on his cheeks. “But you are.”

“Wha – “ As soon as Dean’s mind understood what Cas’ words implied, he got a tight hold of Cas’ arm and turned him around. Carefully, he studied Cas’ face before rewording his question into a proper phrase. “You learned that – for me?”

Dean felt like the world began to spin around faster as his pulse paced up quickly. He understood. He understood what Cas did and he understood _why_ , he understood the meaning behind Cas’ smile, as he shyly turned away and scratched the back of his head.

No, Dean couldn’t wait for a reply, the smile was enough of an answer.

“You’re awesome,” Dean breathed out as he pulled Cas closer for a kiss. He needed to feel him, to taste him and thank God, Cas must have felt the same.

Dean parted his lips as he felt Cas tightening the embrace until it almost hurt, but he didn’t give a damn about potential bruises. He needed to feel, just feel Cas all around, all over him, covering every inch of skin. Feeling Cas’ tongue caressing his lips before finally pushing through them was too much for Dean, he couldn’t resist anymore. Greedy hands made their way under Cas’ loose t-shirt, before two firm hands around his wrists stopped him.

“Not at the window, Dean.”

“Then let’s go somewhere else,” Dean murmured into Cas’ ear and as if he was obeying this demand, Cas shoved him away, to the bed. Dean stumbled backwards on the mattress, legs hanging over the bed's edge. Barely as he made sure he sat, Cas straddled his lap. Quick hands slipped under Dean's shirt, fingertips pressed against him as they ran up his back and it felt like Cas was setting him on fire, inside and out. His skin prickled and blood was boiling as he couldn’t hold back anymore and almost ripped Cas’ shirt apart as he pulled it over his head – the seconds it took Cas to return the favor and strip Dean’s shirt off were almost too long to keep his hands off that on so many levels hot body. With every touch, Dean felt his palms burn, in such a painful and perfect way and with every twist and turn of their tongues inside each other’s mouth, tension was building up inside him and he _knew_ , he needed release – but –

“Where’s your family?”

“Dean,” Cas rolled his eyes, “is that really important now?”

“Well,” Dean kissed Cas and sucked his bottom lip as he pulled away, “I just want to know how much time we have left.”

“Oh my!” Cas laughed before pushing Dean down to the mattress. He leaned down, so close their lips brushed against each other as he spoke. “Don’t mind, Dean. They’re at the cinema, then they will be eating out – I’ll receive a message once they’re on the way home.”

“What…?” Dean was about to get up again, but Cas pushed him back down.

“We should thank Balthazar and Gabriel – they wanted me to play for you.”

Dean hummed in reply as Cas’ lips already caught his for another kiss. Cas’ teeth bit, nibbled and scratched, his hands were roaming all over Dean and their crotches were more than just accidently rubbing against each other – Dean could taste Cas’ hunger in every kiss and he surely didn’t mind being dominated like this.

“So your brothers insisted on this private concert – I need to buy them a beer. Or ten,” Dean smiled as Cas finally pulled away, breathing heavily but returning the smile.

“Better not – they are horrible drunks, believe me,” Cas sighed, but the smile stayed on.

“Cas –“ Dean narrowed his eyes, “ – have you ever been drunk?”

“Me? No,” Cas shook his head and turned away, ashamed. Dean noticed the change in Cas’ mood and reached up to place a kiss on his forehead.

“Was just a question – if you ever get drunk, make sure I’m there. Maybe you’re one of those fun drunks. I want to be around when you start dancing on tables.”

Cas sighed. “I’ll make sure you won’t miss a second of my misbehaving.”

Dean hummed. “Sounds good. I like misbehavior.”

“I guess you do,” Cas rolled his eyes again and punched Dean’s chest softly, but Dean laughed as he pulled Cas down to him again.

“Let’s misbehave together.”

Dean pushed Cas over, swapping their positions and covered Cas’ neck in kisses before moving down to his chest. The little sighs and moans Cas didn’t even try to hold back made Dean’s pants painfully tight but he didn’t even think of stopping as he moved deeper. The gasp that escaped Cas’ lips as Dean let his mouth wander along to his nipple made Dean smile; he slipped out his tongue to play with it and the way Cas moved beneath him told him that this was much appreciated. Dean didn’t lie when he said he wanted to misbehave – he wanted to mess around with this boy so badly. He wanted Cas to feel perfect, to feel great, to forget all his concerns and sorrows, at least for some minutes.

Dean slipped down from the bed to kneel on the floor, between Cas' legs, who sat up in order to figure out what Dean was about to do – Cas had an idea and hoped to be right.

“Relax, buddy, otherwise it’s not gonna work,” Dean winked and Cas let himself fall back to bed again. He trusted Dean and couldn’t await what was about to happen.

Since the last time, Dean was eager to try it once more, finally getting to finish. He was surprised about himself that he developed such a taste of it – but he was sure, he wouldn’t like doing it so much if it wouldn’t be Cas. Cas was all he cared about and he would do anything to make this man happy – and doing exactly _this_ was the safest way Dean knew to make someone happy.

Quickly, his fingers tucked under the waistband of Cas’ sweatpants and Dean made sure he got a hold of the boxers as well before he pulled them both down; Cas seemed to know exactly what to do, he moved his ass up to make it easy for Dean.

The pants landed down at Cas’ ankles as Dean came closer, leaning over Cas’ body to kiss him once more.

“This is my thank you for the song, okay?”

His hand got a hold of Cas’ erection and he started stroking it as he placed a soft kiss on Cas’ parted lips before he moved down again.

Though he was sure he wanted to do it, Dean needed to recollect himself for a minute – he was new to this, of course he was excited. He was about to give his first proper blow job, some nervousness was understandable, right? The last time was more of a try, a rehearsal. This time, it was going to be the real deal. The thought of Cas coming undone underneath him, completely wrapped up in pleasure and satisfaction, moaning, whining, gasping and panting made his own dick throb against his pants, demanding satisfaction for himself – but no. Cas was first, he himself was optional.

_Isn’t it funny? Dean Winchester, professional lady killer, now on his knees to blow a dude._

This thought made Dean smile, he was really amused. Half a year ago, if someone would have told him exactly this, he would have freaked out, but now, it felt just good and naturally – everything felt good with Cas. Cas made him feel happy in a way he never felt before and maybe, maybe doing this could return the favor.

Carefully, Dean slowed down the pace of the strokes and placed his lips on the tip for a kiss – the last time, this turned out to be a good start. After another kiss, he parted his lips and he caressed the tip with his tongue in a way that he simply _knew_ must feel good. His tongue wandered deeper as he lowered his head, his lips opened up a little more to take Cas in. The moment he closed his lips around Cas’ dick, Dean felt a hand running through his head, aimlessly scratching and rubbing along his scalp. Much to Cas’ fortune, head massages were a massive turn-on for Dean.

The second time doing this, it was a lot easier for Dean, since he knew now what he had to expect. Sure, accidental teeth scratching and biting still happened but much less than before. But the more Dean leaned deeper to take in more of Cas, the more he felt like he was going to gag – he gave his best not to, that would be a massive downer for both of them. He opened up his mouth a little more and tilted his head to another angle, hoping this would feel good for Cas, too. The spit leaking at the corner of his mouth was something Dean could handle easily – as long as Cas kept on making these beautifully obscene noises, Dean didn’t mind anything else.

Desperately looking for something to hold on to, Cas’ left hand clung to the duvet as his right one ran aimlessly through Dean’ hair, which was way too short to hold on to. But Cas couldn’t pull away, it was the only part of Dean he could get a hold of.

The previous time Cas thought he had had a taste of Heaven, but this time it felt like he just entered paradise. He felt nothing, nothing but blissful perfection. Shivers went through every single fiber of his skin every time he felt Dean sucking and winding his tongue playfully; the moment Dean took him in deeper Cas thought he was about to choke on his own breath, his eyes rolled back in his head and his mind went blank. Everything felt so intense, almost too much but so wonderful at the same time. He wanted this perfection to last forever and yet, he craved quick release. The thought of coming in Dean’s mouth was confusing Cas’ already hardly functioning brain – he was scared and embarrassed, but then, he couldn't think of anything more arousing. Dean didn’t make the impression of ever moving away before he guided Cas safely towards sweet release, so Cas refused to think about pulling away, remembering Dean’s command that told him to _relax_.

_Relax, Castiel, relax._

He tried his best, but he couldn’t help but to bend his hips upwards, thrusting into Dean’ mouth – Dean had to push him back down to the bed, his nails scraping Cas’ skin in a way that was strangely hot.

Cas felt it, more intense and overwhelming than ever before.

He felt it building up, almost too much. The tension in his body was about to be released, any minute, any second. Dean’s hand let go of his hipbone and softly stroked over his skin, as if to calmly and silently tell Cas _Everything is alright, I’m ready_.

Cas was ready, too, ready to let go – he loosened the grip on the duvet, on Dean’s hair, he closed his eyes and relaxed. He was at peace as he felt all the hotness cooling down and feeling the waves of an orgasm flowing through him. He felt safe and warm, relieved and happy to have shared this moment with Dean.

_Damn, son._

Though he knew exactly what was about to happen, it took Dean by surprise – as some kind of reflex, he just swallowed without a second thought. It came fast, hot and all of sudden, but Dean’s fast reaction made sure it didn’t end up in a mess. The taste might have been a little tangier than he expected, but after all, Dean had to admit, he liked it – actually, he _loved_ it. The look on Cas’ face told him, that the receiver liked it, too. Dean smiled as he got up from the floor to lay next to Cas on the bed.

His chest rose and fell unevenly as he tried to catch his breath – Cas felt like he ran miles without proper breathing technique. His heart almost thrashed his ribs and his hands were shaking. He turned his head, watching Dean laying down next to him, smiling, as he ran his fingertips across Cas’ cheek – Cas flinched, the skin contact felt like fire. Why did he feel everything so intense? This certainly wasn’t his first orgasm and surely not the first with Dean by his side, so why did this feel so different?

“I hope it was okay…” Dean’s voice was so ridiculously delicate and his smile unbearable shy, Cas noticed how much Dean tried to force the corners of his mouth to go down again, and everything about Dean suddenly seemed so… _perfect_.

“It was… fantastic,” Cas breathed out as his breathing regularized, the widening of Dean’s eyes made him smile.

“Seriously?” Dean’s astonishment quickly reshaped into contentment, “Well, I guess I might be a natural.”

“Sure you are,” Cas smiles, carefully studying Dean’s face, the wrinkles around his eyes, the wetness all over his lips and very single freckle plastered on his skin, “but why...?”

“Well – “ Dean started, but it took him a moment to continue. He didn’t really know how to put it into words that didn’t sound too trivial, because, damn, his reasons were anything but trivial. “Well, I guess I wanted to thank you in an exquisite way.” His smile stayed flawlessly on his face, but Dean felt his guts rioting at this half-truth. Of course this wasn’t the reason, it was _part_ of the reason. He would have had a chance to say what he really felt but decided to chicken out again. _Well done, Winchester, well done._

“Oh, you did. You really did,” Cas smiled as he leaned over to kiss Dean’s swollen lips.

Cas felt really exquisite that day.

* * *

“No objection.”

“But – Ellen, _please_.”

“No.”

“But I – “

“Young Mister, listen. It’s your birthday and you _will_ celebrate it. Period.”

“I _never_ had a birthday party. I don’t even know what to do.”

“Then it’s about time you’ll find out.”

Dean chuckled as he saw Sam rolling his eyes. Not even a smartass like Sam was able to win a discussion with Ellen.

“Too bad, Sammy, now you have to behave like an ordinary, normal teenager. What a horror.”

“Shut up, jerk,” Sam grunted, glaring at his older brother as if he tried to figure out if looks were really able to kill. Much to Dean’s fortune, they weren’t.

“Oh come on, Sammy! It’s going to be great. You can invite the guys from school over and do whatever the fuck you want. Plus, you get cake and presents. I see no downsides.”

Sam seemed to contemplate his brother’s words, his eyes narrowed and wandered around aimlessly before he shrugged. “Maybe.” The younger Winchester turned around on his chair, looking at Ellen who stood behind him, storing the used dishes from breakfast in the dishwasher. “How many people can come over?”

Amused, Ellen smiled as she replied. “How many do you want to invite?”

“Well,” Sam turned to Dean again, lifting his fingers as he counted, “Kevin, of course. Garth, Chuck, Ash, Cas – “

“Not Cas.” Almost spitting out her cereal, Jo didn’t look up as she spoke. In a synchronal motion, Dean, Sam and even Ellen turned to her, each not sure whether they understood correctly.

“But why? He’s always with us.” Sam was the first one to speak, receiving a deathly glare in return.

“He’s not part of the pack.”

“Well, _I_ think he _is_ ,” Sam shrugged, but Jo continued.

“He is _not_. He’s just kinda there and only talks to Dean.”

“So what?” Sam was absolutely unimpressed with Jo’s argument, but Dean felt like he was kicked in the balls – was this going to be what he thought it was?

“He’s only around because of Dean and basically occupies him for himself – he’s not a friend of anyone but Dean.”

“I consider him my friend, too.” Sam’s calm replies only made Jo more furious.

“I don’t want him here anymore than he already is!”

“Woah, woah, calm down, seriously.” Dean couldn’t hold back anymore, he heard too much and knew exactly where this was going - though he felt flattered, he didn’t like it. “Cas is a friend like all the others and I guess it’s only up to Sam to decide.” Though he tried to keep calm, Dean knew, his subliminal anger must have been noticeable for everyone in the room.

“I will ask him, too, Jo. I’m sorry, but I don’t want anyone to feel left out.” Sam’s stern voice made clear the topic was done for him and Dean nodded in appreciation of his younger brother’s words. He loved and cared about Jo dearly as if she had always been his sister by blood, but this situation was nothing he could simply shrug off, not when it was about Cas. The sound of Cas’ name alone was enough to make Dean all hot and cold at once, it was like a calming chant and a shout to wake him up at the same time. At school, Dean noticed how much he _hated_ it when teachers or other students said _Castiel_ or some even _Cas_ out loud, he cringed and wanted to shove that sound right back into their throats because he felt they just weren’t worth it. No, not everyone was worth saying Cas’ name out loud.

“Still not too much of a fan of preppy rich boy,” Jo shrugged as she got off her chair, her breakfast barely half-eaten as Dean already heard her stomping down the corridor and smashing the front door shut.

“If I wouldn’t know better I’d say she’s… _jealous_ ,” Ellen shrugged, not really believing this could be a real option. But this nuance went over Dean’s head quickly, something else caught his attention.

“Wait – what – wait a minute. How does Jo know Cas is rich? I mean, she never set a foot in his house,” Dean looked around, first at Sam, then at Ellen as he searched for a reply.

“Everyone knows, Dean. Ain’t hard to tell.”

“What do you mean, Sammy?” Now Dean’s curiosity was awoken – was there something about Cas, his _best friend_ Cas, that passed Dean by without him noticing? What could there be about Cas that he, Dean Winchester, the closest one to Cas, did not now?

“Dean, seriously?” Sam chuckled as he slowly understood his brother was not joking at all.

“Yes, seriously, Sam.”

“Alright, so get this. Ever heard of _MiltCorp_?”

“Yeah, of course, who doesn’t? They own these _Blue7_ -stores.” Dean grunted, not really understanding what this huge-ass department store company had to do with Cas… Milton.

 _Milton_.

 _Milt_ -Corp.

He smacked his hand against his forehead. How did he not see _this_? “Wait, Sam, you’re not really trying to tell me that – “

“Sam’s not kidding, Dean. I’m surprised you didn’t know? I thought you have been at Cas’?” Ellen’s words only confirmed it more.

“So you guys try to tell me the lil’ nerd in a trench coat is a freaking millionaire?”

“One of the possible heirs, yes. And – I guess they’re already _billionaires_.” Ellen stated these facts so casually as if she was talking about the weather, only making Dean more incensed.

“No way, no fucking way…”

Sure, he already knew, Cas must be rich, _damn_ rich. But this… this was too much. Way too much. So Cas was really involved in this big, country-wide retail corporation? Dean wasn’t sure whether he should be angry or proud of Cas for never bringing this up. He could have easily used this to make friends – but he didn’t. Of course, this shouldn’t change anything between them, but still… somehow, something about Cas different now in Dean’s eyes.

“I forgot something downstairs,” Dean mumbled quietly as he got up from his chair to run down to the basement, to his room.

“Hurry up or you’ll be late!” Dean heard Ellen shout after him, but school was his least problem by now.

Suddenly, everything about Cas made so much more sense.

And the more Dean could piece the parts of this Cas-puzzle together, the more clarity he gained.

They didn’t have to be a little discreet and somewhat careful, no. That wouldn’t be enough. They had to hide more than they usually did. Dean knew MiltCorp and the associated _Blue7_ -stores – an absolutely clean, american brand. A feel-good retail company aimed at families, with no scandals, no issues, everything about it was perfect. Even every single store Dean ever entered was clean and neat, almost sterile. Such a tramp like him seducing one of the heirs wouldn’t fit into the picture. Dean smashed his fist against the wall – he flinched at the pain but missed it the second it was gone. He punched the wall once more, as long as he could focus on the pain his mind was too busy to think about Cas anymore.

Dean huffed a hoarse laughter.

Wasn’t it funny?

Just as he got comfortable with the idea of allowing Cas to take a part in his life, just as he let down one wall after the other – _this_. Now he could never tell Cas what he truly felt. This would make things way too difficult.

And, to add some more to the pile of irony, Dean remembered being caught stealing in three different _Blue7_ -stores, which lead up to him being banned from every single store in the states of Kansas and Illinois. What tough luck he was living in South Dakota now.

Couldn’t this have happened a little earlier? Before he grew so damn attached to this stupid rich kid?

* * *

 

AC/DC set up to an ear-shredding level made sure that no one even thought of trying to talk on their way to school. Dean wasn’t in the mood of talking, not even in the mood for listening to someone talk. He wanted to be left alone with his thoughts but since he had to take Sam, Jo and himself to school, a wall of music around him had to serve as a compromise.

As pulled up to the school’s parking lot, Dean couldn’t believe his eyes.

He almost crashed the car and ran over some students, as he couldn’t look away.

There, at main door, he was standing, waiting and waving at him, with a shy smile.

It was Cas, it was _really_ Cas.

And he was not wearing his trench coat.


	17. Don't Touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Bullying occurs at the end of the chapter - 
> 
> First of all, I'm so so so incredibly sorry for updating so late!   
> I have no idea why, but this chapter took longer than usual until it finally turned out to be something I like and worth sharing with you. I hope you're not disappointed and still not abandoning the story! I promise the next chapter won't take so long again, I promise! Hopefully, you'll enjoy the chapter. It will introduce some other familiar person into the story, I hope you will like it! :)
> 
> Thank you for almost 1,500 hits, you guys are so awesome. I'm glad people actually read my story. Thank you so much.

“Seems like even Castiel realized spring’s here.”

Sam snapped his seatbelt open and slid out of the car, and so was Jo – it was only Dean who sat still on his seat, immobile.

“Dude, don’t you wanna move? If Cas keeps on waving any longer, his arm will fall off.”

“Ugh, sure,” Dean mumbled as he finally unbuckled himself.

“See you later, Dean!” Sam shouted, but Dean barely realized; he lifted his hand to wave at Sam and Jo - the younger Winchester had a hard time to catch up with the blonde, who stomped ahead, grunting and steaming.

“Damn, Jo… you really can’t stand him, huh?” Sam smiled as he finally caught up with her, but she frowned in return.

“Shut up, Sam.”

 

Seeing Dean coming closer with a smile across his face eased Cas’ stiffed limbs. Leaving his loyal companion, the trench coat, at home seemed a fairly good idea earlier that morning, but as soon as he arrived at school, he wasn’t that sure about this anymore. The moment Anna left him to head to her classroom, he felt suddenly very alone and very, _very_ exposed. Noticing that the other students that passed by were more or less cautiously staring at him didn’t make anything better. They were observing him, some more, some less careful. He was under watch. At least they weren’t laughing at him.

Dean’s words from the afternoon before were still ringing through Cas’ head when he woke up, encouraging him to dare a change. The approving and silent nods with which his siblings commented on his choice of wardrobe increased his confidence and even Cas himself had to admit, as he stood in front of the giant mirror on his closet’s door, he didn’t look too bad. There was no reason to feel anxious. School would be no different, trench coat on or gone. Dean would be there, still. The thought of Dean’s presence near him alone was enough to make him smile, a smile from deep within and full of joy – a warm shower went down Cas’ spine every time Dean crossed his mind. But he tried hard not to think of the way he came undone under Dean’s touch the day before – these thoughts were too distracting. Being aroused in school would only lead up to an unpleasant day. Nevertheless, Cas had been fascinated that he didn’t get used to the memories in a way that they wouldn’t affect him so much anymore, instead he felt like they were more and more arousing every time he remembered the way Dean’s lips wrapped around his erection, and – no, no, no. He was thinking too much again, getting lost too deep in wanting for pleasure and need for satisfaction. It wasn’t the time for this.

 

“Wow, Cas… you shedding fur?”

Dean couldn’t help but to smile at the view, he couldn’t stop eyeing Cas up and down – there he really was, without his trench coat. Others must have noticed, too, since Dean realized basically nobody passed Cas by without a double take. At least people were polite enough to tattle a few feet away, making sure neither Dean or Cas heard what they were saying – but Dean noticed, as he looked around, everyone was surprised, in awe and shock, no one was looking like they were amused and joking. Nope, Cas made an impression.

“I do not shed fur, Dean. I am not – _oh_. You mean the coat, right?” A smile spread across Cas’ face as he understood what Dean was referring to. It made him proud that Dean noticed the change and his insecurity was wiped away more and more, the longer Dean’s smile lasted.

“Of course I mean the coat. Shame, you hid _that_ for so long,” with a wink, Dean pulled Cas along with him, to enter the building.

Absent-mindedly, Dean was about to slide his hand down to entangle their fingers, as he quickly came back to his senses. _Not here._ He let go of Cas and clenched his jaw as he side-eyed the boy next to him, trying hard to resist the need to push him against the wall and – no. No touching, no kissing, not any of it at all.

“You should have told me,” Dean mumbled as he leaned over, walking beside Cas.

“What do you mean, Dean?” Cas whispered back in the same low volume, making sure nobody around would hear them speaking. Obviously the topic was important – so important that it had to be discussed in a conspiratorially volume.

“About MiltCorp. Seriously,” Dean replied out under his breath.

Cas felt his body going limp – the sound of those words, this _name_ , the _trademark of doom_ like Balthazar and Gabriel preferred to call it, always had made him feel so weak and helpless – it was like a bad spell.

“How – “

Before Cas could finish his sentence, Dean pushed him into the restroom that they finally reached. After making sure no one was in one of the stalls, Dean turned around to face Cas again and continued.

“Wasn’t that hard to figure out, dude,” Dean smiled in a way that should make Cas believe he put these pieces together by himself, but quickly, Dean's smile morphed into a frown. “But why didn’t you tell?”

“I – I am sorry Dean, please do excuse, I – “ Breaking their eye-contact, Cas fished in his mind for something to say, but - stretching the metaphor - like fish, the words slipped away before he could properly grasp them. He had no explanation for having done that, at least none that would make sense outside his own head.

“I’m not shitting on you for doing that – I don’t mind you being rich as fuck. But… it’s not making things easier, you know?” The crack in Dean’s voice made Cas look at him again, feeling confused, guilty, curious, all at once.

“What do you mean, Dean? I don’t really – “

“I was caught stealing in some _Blue7_ -stores. I’m not allowed to enter any of their stores in all of Kansas and Illinois.”

“Oh,” was all Cas managed to get out and he didn’t even intend to say it. He was surprised yet not shocked. After the new information sank in, Cas cleared his throat and continued, Dean’s restless eyes scanning all of his face. “You know that I really don’t mind the mishaps of your past.”

“Of course I know,” Cas watched a tired smile on Dean’s face, curling his lips with such a bitterness that made Cas feel sick. “See, Cas, I have no idea whether I should be impressed or pissed that you never told me about it, maybe you wanted to spare us something, but sorry buddy, when it comes to me, I never fail to cause trouble.”

Dean paused, giving Cas a moment to think and react, but a silent nod of the dark haired boy made Dean continue.

“See, I don’t care about myself. I can handle shit. I just don’t want you or your family's company – I mean, you being seen with me and – “

“You think you and I, well, could damage the company’s reputation.”

“Uhm… yes.” A little baffled by Cas’ sober statement, Dean agreed.

“I see.”

Not sure whether Cas was just being Cas or seriously pissed, Dean took a closer look. Cas’ default facial expression was usually a frown, so this was damn hard to tell.

“So what are you trying to achieve now?” Cas picked up the word again.

“I – I don’t know exactly, but… I guess we have to be careful.”

“How much more, Dean?”

“I don’t know, Cas, I don’t know.” Dean shrugged, lacking words. Maybe, he thought, maybe he should have prepared this conversation a little more beforehand.

“So we should tone it down.”

“Yeah…”

“Alright.”

“We should avoid sneaking around at school.”

“Absolutely.”

They nodded silently and remained standing still, unsure what they should do now. They knew they didn’t really have much of a choice since the bell would ring any moment, but they didn’t want to leave yet.

“So you’re rich, like Richie Rich-rich, right?”

“I don’t know what you are talking about, but… I guess so, yes,” Cas looked down and he watched how the tip of his shoe scuffed along the ground – he disliked this topic. The company and the associated retail stores were nothing he was too fond of talking about. None of this meant anything good to him. Too bad Dean knew about all of it; Cas had been a fool for thinking he could keep this from Dean for longer than he already did.

“Wow… still you’re no preppy snob. That’s cool, dude.”

Before saying anything, Cas carefully observed Dean’s face. He smiled. It wasn’t one of his happily relieved smiles, no, it held a trace of sadness, visibly in those green eyes that looked so dim and turbid with the eyelids half-closed. But despite the sadness (or maybe just tiredness) in his features, Dean was being nice and gentle. Cas wouldn’t even try to deny that it made him smile in return.

“Thank you, Dean. I try to keep my father’s business out of my… my own business.”

Dean nodded. “I see. But honestly, if there’s anything else I need to know… tell me.”

“Indeed. I’d appreciate it if you’d return the favor. Just imagine I would have tried to go to a _Blue7_ in Illinois with you.”

Dean blinked once, twice and after looking at Cas once more – Dean laughed out loud.

“Dude – did you – did you just being sarcastic?”

A little proud of himself, Cas smiled. “Maybe.”

“You little shit,” Dean laughed as he reached out to ruffle Cas’ hair – but he pulled his hand back, just to be safe.

“Dean,” Cas forced himself to be serious again, “is this everything you wanted to say?”

 _Screw it_ , Dean thought as he quickly wrapped his arms around Cas and caught his mouth with his own, lips parting and his tongue desperately teasing Cas to do the same. Finally, Dean felt Cas responding to the kiss and he didn’t even try to hold back. He pushed his tongue in Cas’ mouth and pressed the other boy harder against himself. If they hadn’t been at school, Dean would have already ripped their clothes off. He needed to feel Cas, against him, around him, all of him, everywhere and all the time. But the voice of reason in the back of his head didn’t stop to remind him that the first period was about to start and they couldn’t allow themselves the risk of getting caught. He knew, the next time him and Cas would be alone in secure privacy, he wouldn’t stop so easily.

“Yep, now I did,” Dean pulled back and pushed down the door handle quickly. “Everything’s said. Let’s go, bell’s gonna ring any minute.”

_Everything’s said._

_What a fucking lie._

_I would like to hold your hand in public, if it’s not too weird, okay?_

_I want to kiss you whenever it feels right, no matter who’s around._

_I want to touch you, wrap my arms around you and make you feel perfect._

_I want you around, any day, anytime._

* * *

“For sure we’ll be coming around, Sam! We’ll have a blast!”

“And cake!”

“Pie – if anything, then _pie_.”

“Dean, it’s my birthday, not yours! Anyway, you had pie on Sunday already!”

A loud and vivid conversation had been in full swing as Dean and Cas joined their friends at the lunch table. Jo’s eye-roll as both of them sat down didn’t go unnoticed, but since Cas didn’t see it, Dean decided to leave this topic be. Instead, he turned to Sam sitting next to him.

“So you’re planning your birthday, Sammy?”

“Yeah,” Sam took a bite of his apple as he leaned forwards to have a look past Dean. “Hey, Cas, you coming, too?”

“What?” Cas looked up at Sam, puzzled.

“My birthday’s the day after tomorrow. You’re invited.”

“A birthday…?” Cas repeated as Dean sighed loudly.

“Yes Cas, this annual event when you celebrate the anniversary of your existence. Maybe you heard of it.”

“Of course I did, Dean.” Said one couldn’t hold back a smile at Cas’ grumpy response - Dean _loved_ to provoke all kinds of reactions from Cas. But much to Dean’s chagrin, Cas wasn’t about to join his little bickering. Instead, he leaned over to speak directly to Sam. “Is it acceptable when I tell you tomorrow whether I can attend or not? I need to ask first. I’m sorry.”

“No problem, Cas, all fine,” Sam noticed the shame that Cas must have felt and gave his best to answer as calm and uplifting as possible. He knew from Dean that Cas’ step-mother was anything but nice.

“Thank you,” Cas breathed out, barely audible and shaky. Dean noticed tension building up beside him and saw that Cas started to run his hands up and down his upper arms. Though it was anything but cold that day, Cas suddenly missed another layer of fabric around him.

“You okay, buddy?”

“Yes, Dean – I just – I just felt a little breeze.”

* * *

 

Again and again, all day long, Dean pressed his eyes together and clenched his jaw, trying to get his mind away from the temptation. This felt so wrong. He sat there, next to Cas and he was not allowed to touch him. It had been three hours since their kiss and Dean knew, there wouldn’t be a chance to kiss him at school again. He didn’t even want to try. He knew, once he found an exception to the rule, he would bend and break it again and again, exposing both of them – especially Cas – to needless danger. He might be a good-for-nothing rascal, but surely wasn’t about to do anything that could hurt a hair on Cas’ head.

But one kiss, one touch, hell, at least one brush of a hand – why was this too much to ask for?

From the corner of his eye, Dean observed Cas from time to time, still trying to get used to the new and yet so familiar view. He had seen Cas without the coat before, but seeing him without it at school was unusual, almost like a new student was sitting beside him, but of course Dean knew this was bullshit. This was Cas, Cas like Cas had always been Cas and Dean knew him without the trench coat, damn, he even knew him without any clothes – there was no reason for Dean to look at Cas repeatedly. He was still the same. But damn, the accidental thought of Cas naked was nothing Dean needed in that moment, he had had a – literally – hard time in the morning to chase away all these thoughts of the day before, as he… _Dean, stop. Stop now._

He shifted awkwardly around in his seat, trying to find something else to think about to make this bulge in his pants go away again. He didn’t need it, not now. It almost hurt to see how calm and concentrate Cas looked like, as if nothing was troubling his little, peaceful mind – wasn't he effected by any of this? Didn’t he think of the day before? Didn’t he think that their situation right now sucked? Wasn’t he bothered by anything? Stupid boy.

“Winchester?”

The sound of his own name made him jump and he noticed, Cas finally looked up, too. Miss Barnes came up to Dean with her trademark smirk curling her lips. “Is my class so boring that you’d rather study Mr. Milton instead?”

 _Fuck this shit_ , Dean thought as he propped himself up, sitting straight and hopefully seemingly confident on his seat. He heard some giggling sounding through the front rows and some of the students even turned around to look at him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Miss Barnes. I’m paying all the attention I could give.”

Miss Barnes’ face lit up as she nodded. “If you say so, Winchester, I will believe you. And since you paid so close attention, you surely don’t mind to help Miss Bradbury to catch up with what she missed during her absence?”

“Oh no, not at all,” Dean put on his most winning smile as he looked around to meet said Miss Bradbury’s eyes. She turned around, too, and waved shyly at Dean. Charlene was her first name, if Dean remembered correctly. She – a redhead and as usual dressed up in the brightest colors like a walking rainbow – had been gone for a long time a few weeks after Dean was enrolled at this school and she only returned the week before. Dean didn’t know anything about her but he already guessed she was some kind of a nerd regarding her Yoda-shirt and Nintendo backpack, but nevertheless, he had to admit, she was kinda cute.

“Then you two have some fun – if Mr. Milton allows it.”

Miss Barnes’ remark as she made her way up to the blackboard again made Dean look at Cas, who suddenly looked tensed-up and uneasy as he pulled the open book on the table closer to him, staring down at it in high concentration. Some students giggled and laughed once again as they watched Cas, but everyone quickly turned around to the front as Miss Barnes ran her nails down the blackboard. Dean twitched at the shrieking noise.

“This is where the action is!”

* * *

There was no reason to worry.

The explanation for the distance between them was nothing but the simple existence of MiltCorp itself – it had nothing to do with _them_ per se. They had kissed that day, anyway. Dean wasn’t backing out. He wasn’t ashamed of what they had been doing so far.

It wasn’t because of them, it was because of Dean’s worries about the Milton’s reputation.

They were only keeping a fair distance between them in public. In private, they would still be the same as before.

There was just no reason for Cas to think otherwise, wasn’t there? Dean regretted these circumstances, too. He wasn’t quitting. Everything was alright, still. Barely anything changed. Cas had no reason to feel like he needed to wreck his home’s walls with a sledgehammer, no matter how satisfying this sounded like.

Dean helping Charlene Bradbury with the learning material of Miss Barnes’ Literature class was nothing he could get comfortable with, either. It was impossible for him to remain reasonable while thinking of it. He couldn’t stop picturing possible scenarios of Dean working with Charlene – and all of these ended with both of them kissing. Why did these images keep on popping up in his head? He didn’t like it, he knew deep inside it was a stupid thing to think and in particular, these thoughts made him want to wreck the house even more.

“You look constipated.”

Cas looked up as Balthazar joined him on the living room couch, stealing the TV remote from his hands. “You need to talk or take a shit,” Balthazar stated as he started to zap through the programs. Cas frowned, offended.

“I was watching this.”

“You were nibbling your lip as you stared holes into the wall. You didn’t even look anywhere near the screen.”

Cas opened his mouth to reply, but he had to admit, Balthazar made a fair good point. He breathed out loudly through his nose, catching his brother’s attention again.

“What’s wrong, Cassie? C’mon, we’re alone, you can tell me. How did it go yesterday, did Deano like the private concert?”

Cas sat still and contemplated the offered option – Balthazar was right. Naomi took Anna to the dentist and Gabriel was out to do God only knows what, so the two of them were the only ones at home at that time. No one could eavesdrop on their conversation and after all, Balthazar was his brother – he wasn’t as close as to him as he was to Gabriel, but still, they were family and made it through a lot together after all. Maybe opening up a little more could help Cas to deepen their relationship.

“His name is _Dean_ and yes, yes, he liked it.” A smile appeared on Cas’ face because he just knew _how much_ Dean had liked it, but then again, his face froze. The way too clear memories of the conversation he had with Dean earlier that day came back.

“Your face looks like there’s a big _‘but’_ coming.”

Cas watched Balthazar drop the remote on the couch and lean back, turning to face the younger one. Castiel had always been more of a serious, thoughtful child and no matter how many years had passed by, this character trait was still outstanding. It was sad, Balthazar thought, because Castiel never was the careless, playful child he should have been, and he really hoped that with Dean now in Castiel’s life, this would finally change.

“No, no big ‘but’…” Cas hesitated, not quite sure of _how_ to explain this – well, he didn’t even know _if_ he should even bother to.

“… but something happened,” Balthazar finished. Cas’ first instinct was to nod, but he quickly shook his head instead, unsure, which reply was more accurate. This whole situation was confusing and though rational thought-out everything was acceptable, Cas felt uneasy.

“It’s… nothing, really, nothing,” Cas said with a wave of his hand, but Balthazar raised his eyebrows. He already saw through his younger brother, he couldn’t be fooled by some lame attempts of prevarications.

“Come on, lil’ one, what’s up? Until you left for school you beamed like the sun itself and now you’ve got a rain cloud hanging above your head. Things with Dean not turning out right?”

The last sentence made Cas turn away – he felt caught. He wanted to object, to say something, to deny, but he couldn’t. It would feel wrong. He knew he should make his brothers stop making those remarks, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so. Toning down his relation with Dean felt so wrong – though he knew this was the only right thing to do, he remembered Dean’s words too well.

“Castiel, seriously. Ain’t hard to tell. But – _shh_ – we keep quiet about it, pinky promise. So, uproar in paradise or what?”

“No,” Cas shook his head as he felt the corners of his mouth peaking up. He was amused by the fact that even Balthazar realized that to Cas, Dean was… special. “It’s no trouble, it’s just…”

“Confusing?”

Cas shook his head. “No – it’s – it’s… different.”

“But you’re dating, right?”

“What? We? No. No, no… “ Loudly, unsteadily and way too fast, blood rushed through every of Cas’ veins, his breath quickly paced up to match that rhythm. Those simple words that left Balthazar’s lips so easily started a riot in Cas’ guts. The meaning that they held was something Cas didn’t even dare to consider.

“Castiel – no need to lie. I’m not judging you. Had some boyfriends as well,” Balthazar exclaimed with a grand gesture as if he was glad to finally share this piece of information which made Cas almost forget his own little panic attack.

“You mean – you are – “

“I’m not gay, well, not _full_ -gay. I just don’t make any difference between a man and a woman. If I like it – I like it. That’s it,” Balthazar shrugged and Cas felt himself calming down again, comforted by his brother’s wise words.

“I see,” Cas smiled at Balthazar who replied with a wink.

“Now that we got that sorted out – what’s the matter with you and Dean?”

“There’s no real matter, it’s just – he was a little upset to find out about… the _trademark of doom_.”

“Oh no, not that one!” Balthazar rolled his eyes. “But – you managed to keep that from him?”

“Apparently, yes,” Cas shrugged, less surprised about this circumstance than his brother.

“Well, at least the boy’s not in it for the money – so what’s the point, then?”

“He – he is banned from _Blue7_ in two states and that’s… well, it’s not making it easier.” Cas sighed as he hung his head low, eyes fixed on his hands entangled between his knees, as Balthazar’s raspy laughter made him look up again.

“Seriously? Is he?” Balthazar managed to get out between chuckles and his amusement made Cas frown.

“Yes, but why is this fact so entertaining?”

“Never mind, Castiel. Never mind. So he’s panicking because of his police file, yeah? Thinking being with you could damage the corporation’s reputation?”

“Somehow… yes. He demanded strict discretion.”

“Ah, that sucks.”

Cas paused for a moment, suddenly completely aware of what he was doing there. He shared his thoughts and troubles with Balthazar – and it went really, really good. A mature conversation about serious things; Cas was impressed.

“I only wish I could invite him over – or go to his place without any trouble with Naomi,” Cas continued, only half-aware that he simply kept on speaking before even thinking about it.

“Do you want me and Gabe to convince her you need to see some friends, too? I mean, I get you’re the family’s last hope besides Mike, but still, Naomi’s getting a little too overprotective, especially with you.”

“I know,” Cas smiled wearily, “But I am afraid it won’t be of much use – she’s not too fond of Dean, to be honest. That’s why I don’t even try to ask if I could go to his brother’s birthday.”

“She met him?” Balthazar’s surprise was genuine and Cas figured his brother wasn’t informed about that particular occurrence.

“Well, somehow, yes. One night, he showed up here… drunk and scolding me for… well, he was drunk and Naomi noticed.”

After double taking, Balthazar laughed out loud again, even louder than before.

“Good God, Castiel! This boy is gold. A keeper.”

Curling his forehead, Cas watched his brother slowly recovering from the laughing attack - Cas didn’t bother to think of anything to say before he didn’t calm down again.

“But what’s with a birthday party? You don’t wanna go?”

Cas shook his head. “I’m not sure. I guess it could be nice – there will only be people I know well – but it’s no use to ask. Naomi barely agreed on me helping Dean with schoolwork. Why should she allow me to go out to a party, especially a party at Dean’s?”

Suddenly almost sad, Balthazar nodded. “I know what you mean.”

* * *

 

With a loud thud, Dean dropped all his notes, worksheets, books and what-not-elses he brought from home on the old library table, right between him and his assigned trainee.

“So, Charlene… “

“Uhm, I prefer Charlie… please.”

A little shy, Charlene – pardon, _Charlie_ – twisted a streak of her poppy red hair around her finger, as she cautiously eyed Dean, who noticed these looks, of course.

"I know I'm eye candy, but we got to focus on the work. Library closes in one and a half hour." Dean winked and pointed towards the exit door, where the sign with the opening hours hung. The two of them agreed to meet in the library downtown the same day, to get through the whole bunch of work soon. Charlie's eyes widened perplexed, before she started laughing, shaking her head.

"Oh God, no! I'm not checking you out. I was just curious. Anyway, I don't swing the straight way either."

"Cool. Wait, what?" It took a moment before Dean _really_ understood. "Wait a minute… Am I getting right that you're - "

"- gay as well, right."

His breath died in his throat, and he felt the vein in his neck must have been visibly pumping. His hands were shaky and sweaty and he had to put down the pencil before it fell out if his grip. He wasn’t sure, but he assumed he was having a panic attack.

Who was she?

And how did she –

He needed to get out of this situation and ameliorate the damage – luckily, he had been blessed with the ability to fake a smile that concealed every little trace of insecurity.

“Oh, come on, I guess you got something _very_ wrong – I’m not gay.”

Charlie looked up from the notes she took from the top of the pile and raised her eyebrows. “My fault,” she shrugged, “then you’re bi.”

Dean didn’t believe his ears – what did she say?

“No, no, Charlie – I mean – I’m not – “

 _I’m not interested in men_ , he wanted to say, but he couldn’t. White lie or not, he couldn’t say it out loud. Even thinking of this sentence made him feel sick.

“Dean – it’s okay,” Charlie said as she leaned over the table to squeeze his hand. “I’m pretty sure no one else caught it. My gaydar is sharper than anyone else’s.”

Charlie’s smile was honest and without even thinking much about it, Dean returned it. He had to admit, he kinda liked her. She was straight-forward, wearing a Star Wars-shirt and openly admitted something most teens would deny to death. If this didn't make someone trustworthy, what else would?

“And what did your gaydar display?” Dean smiled, still uneasy and curious to know _what_ exactly she knew. They were alone in the library, apart from the old librarian lady who most likely was already deaf, no one would hear them, so he could as well start to chat.

“That you and Milton are more than buddies,” she noted on the side as she flipped through Dean’s notes and scribbled something down to her notepad.

“How could you tell?” In his lap, Dean kneaded his hands, as he carefully watched her - for a topic this delicate, she was extremely relaxed.

Charlie shrugged. “Dunno. I guess it was the way you’re interacting. At first I thought you were just best dude-bros, but looking closer at the way you look at each other – no way you’re only friends.”

“Oh,” Dean whispered and before he was able to think of what Charlie said, she pulled him out of his thoughts.

“Come on, Winchester. Focus on the essential. We don’t have much time and loads of work left.”

* * *

 

Back home, after he got kicked out of the library and was done raiding the whole town to get Sam's birthday present, Dean was finally back in his room. He dropped his backpack and headed straight to bed, letting himself falling forward on it. He felt like something heavy was lifted from his chest – someone else understood this thing between Cas and him. Charlie was so open and non-judgmental about it and that made him like her even more. Maybe, her and Cas would get along, too. It would be nice for a change to have someone around who fucking gets their situation.

Speaking of Cas – Dean once more realized painfully how much he was actually missing. They had seen each other not that long ago at school and it felt like an eternity. Groaning, Dean flipped over on his back and stared at the ceiling. Though he certainly enjoyed being good to Cas and watching him twitch and bend in anticipation of an orgasm, Dean wouldn’t have minded if Cas would have come over just to sit next to him in silence. They didn't have to do anything at all and Dean would still be a happy little shit with Cas near. He would like to call Cas now and talk to him. He would like to listen to Cas. He would like to sit with Cas, say nothing with Cas, do homework with Cas, go for a walk with Cas, watch a movie with Cas, scrub the bathroom tiles with Cas, chop the onions with Cas – he would do _anything_ with Cas. With Cas, everything felt more bearable, finally making any sense. He felt like he really found what he was looking for right as he decided to stop looking. He found someone he wanted to stay.

“Fuck.”

Dean rubbed his eyes, but the burning only got worse.

He pressed both hands on his eyes as if he could push back the tears he didn’t want to permit himself to shed. He wasn’t supposed to cry – but then again, was he supposed to long for holding his best friend’s hand? And kiss his lips?

He dropped his hands left and right from his head onto the pillow and felt wetness streaming down his temples.

He wanted Cas to be around, not just in this particular moment – he wanted him to be around forever. He would sell his own damned soul for Cas to show up right now to pull him into a never-ending embrace. He wanted to hear Cas breathing, feel his warmth, listen to his heartbeat, smell his spicy aftershave, kiss his lips, touch his skin and whatnot else mawkish stuff he could think of. Yes, this thing with Cas wasn’t that complicated, if Dean was being honest about it. No, this thing with Cas was surprisingly simple – if it was sappy, cliché and a hell of a feelings-bullshit-thing, it was most likely something he wanted with Cas. Everything he always denied, everything he never wanted and always kept running from suddenly became everything he truly craved. God, when did he become such an emotional wreck about yearning for someone else?

Wiping his face with his sleeve, Dean sat up and reached inside his pockets for his phone. Even if Cas wasn’t near, he still wasn’t out of reach – sometimes, a short text had to be enough.

_**Heya,cas. How u doing? Just got home. Worked w/ charlene & got sams present. ** _

_**Now I hang around in my room. Would suck less w/ u around tho.** _

* * *

 

“Good morning, Cas!”

Cas smiled widely as he finally saw Dean coming across the parking lot. The previous day had been way too long and though he knew, they would most likely not even touch, Cas was glad to be close to Dean and looking at this smile he knew, Dean must have felt the same – as if the text he received the day before wasn’t enough of a hint, though.

“Ready for Geography?” Dean asked as he held the door open for Cas, who quickly stepped inside.

“Almost. I need to get my book from the locker first.”

“Hurry up then,” Dean pointed at his wrist watch and Cas nodded.

“Go on ahead, I’ll come,” Cas shouted as he already ran into the direction opposing the way to the Geography classroom. A little baffled, Dean stood there alone, but then, he shrugged and trotted along. He wanted to tell Cas what he got Sam for his birthday and was dying to know whether Cas would be attending the party or not, but well, he could wait another moment.

Barely two minutes after Dean seated himself on his usual seat in the back row, Cas entered – Dean smiled, but quickly, he sensed something was wrong. Holding on to his bag tightly, Cas made his way quickly over to the seat next to Dean. His eyes were widened, his mouth stood open and Dean was pretty sure he heard Cas’ heartbeat pounding like a bassdrum.

“Dude,” Dean smiled, hoping it would comfort Cas, “have you seen a ghost or what?”

Without looking at him, Cas shook his head as he pulled something out of his bag. He carefully scanned the room to make sure nobody looked at him, before he slipped it over to Dean. Dean frowned. It was nothing but a simple, folded piece of paper.

“Did you write me a love letter?” Dean joked, only to mask his confusion as he unfolded the crumpled paper. He heard Cas breathing unsteadily and loudly as he read what was written on it.

He read it once, then a second time. He looked at Cas and read it a third time, before he leaned closer.

“Where did you get this?” Dean hissed, his voice shaking.

“In my locker,” Cas barely was able to get out, his voice cracking.

“That’s – no. This… this can’t be.”

Dean read the paper again, hoping he would find a different message this time, but – no. The words remained the same.

In blood red ink, big scribbled letters, Dean could read clearly what it said.

**DIE FAGGOT DIE**

**SEE YOU IN HELL**


	18. Hide And Seek

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello you lovely guys! :)  
> Thank you for 60+ kudos by now and for being still loyal to my fic :D  
> I planned to publish this chapter a little earlier, but oh well, at least it's here! :) I'm afraid the publishing-rhythm will be a little more irregular, but I will give my best to add another chapter every week.   
> I hope you're all still curious about what will happen next with Dean and Cas~ I know there had been a lot of angsty stuff lately and I'm really sorry (*whispers* there might maybe some fluff be coming up in the future... ;) )  
> So please enjoy today's chapter!

Every breath he drew in made his stomach sink lower and every breath he let out was shaking. Even after forty-five minutes, Dean didn’t calm down the slightest.

Someone left a threat in Cas’ locker. Someone wanted to scare Cas. Someone knew it.

Someone must know about _them_.

If Cas got a note like this, chances were high that Dean received one as well.

For what must have been the twentieth time, he looked at his wrist watch, then at the wall clock above the classroom door and back his watch again, begging time to pass by a little faster. He absolutely needed to find out whether he got some stupid-ass paper as well or not – he was scared as hell, feeling the fear like a heavy boot kicking right in his guts, but what was worse than the fear itself was the general uncertainty. He desperately had to know if this was only aimed at Cas – or at _them_. He needed to know if there was another fucking paper in his goddamned locker or not. If only this damn bell would finally ring.

 _Only a few minutes_ , Dean thought, _only a few minutes left._ _Calm down, calm down, calm the fucking fuck down._

No matter how outraged he felt, Dean knew, he shouldn't let it show. He had to look cool, unaffected, unimpressed – like he was completely unaware. Not letting anything show through was Dean’s preferred method of coping with emotional crap – the more he was able to hide his feelings, the more he could conceal them and pretend they weren’t there at all. He wouldn't stop to repress the feelings until they were buried under a thick layer of denial. Worked fine. Always did.

No one in the class behaved any different than usual. No one and everybody was suspicious. With his eyes wandering along the rows again and again, Dean carefully observed each single class mate but he had no clue what he was looking for.

Giving up trying to play Sherlock Holmes, Dean checked out on Cas, who was even more silent than usual. During the whole period, Cas didn’t move at all, Dean realized. Like a marble statue, Cas remained motionless, his palms flat on the table as if his hands got stapled to the desk. From the angle he held his head, Dean figured Cas wasn’t looking to the blackboard at the front, but rather gazing into the deepest tunnel vision.

It hurt Dean to know he couldn’t simply reach out to squeeze Cas’ hand and tell him everything was going to be fine. He couldn’t risk anyone seeing this little gesture.

But foremost – he couldn’t lie to Cas. It sucked. Dean had no idea if and how things were supposed to get any better from there. For him, this would surely be another crap he was successfully going to bury beneath a shitload of other stuff he fucked up, but for Cas, it was something completely different – and dangerous. Dean could only try to imagine what must have gone through Cas’ mind in that moment but seeing his mouth and eyes standing wide open while his whole body sat up stiffly, Dean already figured, there surely was nothing but sheer terror and fear reigning Cas’ thoughts.

Whoever was responsible for this was going to pay, Dean swore to himself.

 

Looking normal and inconspicuous was harder than expected, Dean figured. This everyday-thing of going to his locker, getting his stuff and leaving for lunch suddenly felt like a steeplechase in a mine field. The way he walked, carried his bag and opened the lock suddenly felt so weird and he was sure, everyone around him noticed his awkward behavior. Once he made sure no one was nearby, he opened the locker’s door – not too obvious, not too eager but not too slow.

There it was.

On top of the thoughtlessly stacked up books, it was – a fold-up piece of paper, just like the one Cas got. Dean felt his heart pumping against his chest as he reached his shaky hand inside – he had to hide the paper, so he grabbed it, reached out for the nearest book and put the paper between two random pages. He couldn’t risk reading it there on the spot, though the hallway was basically empty – he stuffed the book into his backpack and rushed over to the nearest restroom.

He carefully shut the stall's metal door behind him and pulled the book out of his backpack again, flipped through the pages until he found the papyrus delicti. 

_Such a shit._

_A fucking goddamn shit._

By first instinct, Dean just wanted to throw it unread into the toilet and flush it away to oblivion, but that wouldn’t serve the situation, not at all. He had to read it first. He had to find out if it was similar to what Cas received or not – chances were that he received something different, right?

Of course, Dean chuckled lifelessly to himself, of course he would get out of this so easily.

With trembling fingers, he unfolded the paper to read the message – he was too impatient and nervous, he almost really dropped it in the toilet. He knew he had to hurry up, Cas was already outside with the others and waiting for Dean to tell him whether he had found something in his locker or not.

As he stared down on the scrawled message, Dean knew, he found , well, _something_ indeed.

* * *

Nervous, Cas almost scratched through the skin on his neck as his eyes kept wandering around. He knew Dean would come around any minute, he knew Dean was on his way and he knew, Dean had to act all calm and normal in order to avoid causing unnecessary suspicions. Dean promised to send a message as soon as he checked his locker and Cas had no reason to believe he wouldn’t.

_Dear God, please, please, don’t let Dean find something in his locker, too. He doesn’t deserve it. He’s been through enough. He’s a good man._

Finally, Cas’ phone buzzed in his pockets – he breathed out sharply. He was both relieved and scared to death to finally know whether or not Dean was part of this or not. Making sure nobody at the table paid attention to him, Cas carefully slid his phone out of the pocket and lit up the screen. Just as expected, a text from Dean. As he opened the message, Cas closed his eyes.

_Please, please, be some good news._

But as he read what Dean sent, Cas felt his stomach drop.

**_Got 1 in the locker, too._ **

Damnit.

Cas clenched his fist and bit his lip.

This couldn’t be true. There was no way this could be really happening.

This wasn’t fair.

Why did it happen? Who was doing this?

This wasn’t fair, not at all.

“You’re okay, Cas? You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Or two,” Garth leaned over the table as he spoke – though he was quiet and calm, he made everyone’s attention shift to Cas, who quickly shoved his phone back to his pocket.

“What? No, of course not. You’re such a silly, Garth,” Cas giggled helplessly as he ran his hands up and down his thighs in a desperate attempt to calm down again.

“Sure you’re okay, man?” Garth leaned even closer over the table and his eyes narrowed so tightly they were almost closed, but Cas finally managed to persuade his facial muscles to form a smile.

“Sure I am sure.”

Just as Cas spoke, Garth was being pulled back to sit down again – Jo held on to his arm, her lips pressed together. “He said he’s okay, so leave him be,” she hissed in a way that made even Cas shiver. What was wrong with her? Usually, she was much more of a kind companion.

“Did you guys miss me?” Smiling brightly and waving widely, Dean strolled over to his friends in his well-known cocky manner, confident and self-assured. If Cas hadn’t received this message only a few moments ago, he would never get the idea Dean might be threatened, too.

“Not more than usual,” Sam snorted, obviously fed up with his brother’s attitude. Unimpressed, Dean’s smile stayed on as he squeezed himself between Cas and Sam on the bench.

With Dean around, the everyday chattering about TV programs, annoying teachers and upcoming movies quickly started off – Cas didn’t take part, as usual, but this day, he couldn’t even bring himself to listen. His head was busy with a whole different discussion. Having Dean close to his side again surely comforted Cas’ troubled mind, but not enough to finally calm down again. Though all different kinds of thoughts, questions and theories were running back and forth his mind, two questions were standing out –

First, what was written on the paper Dean received?

Second, and foremost, why was Dean so calm about it?

Cas frowned, seriously questioning the sanity of the brunette sitting next to him. Before Dean left off to check his locker, fear and panic was written all over his face and now it looked like Dean left his worries stored away with his books. What happened in the meantime that Dean suddenly looked so carefree? Dean didn’t even bother to look at Cas – his head was turned away and all Cas could see was Dean’s jawline. Sure, Dean definitely had a nice one, but it wasn’t about Dean’s aesthetic features now.

A little poking against his thigh pulled him out of his thoughts and Cas quickly looked down to the spot on his upper leg where he felt the annoying sensation.

It was Dean’s finger that kept on poking Cas and at first, Cas wanted to shoo it away, he wasn’t in the mood for playful teasing, especially not in public. But at second glance, Cas saw something in Dean’s fist, a paper, a paper just like the one he had gotten. Dean wanted to give it to him.

Cas reached out to meet Dean’s hand by slipping his own underneath and as soon as Dean felt Cas’ palm sliding along his own, he dropped the paper in Cas’ hand.

Dean wanted Cas to see by himself what kind of message he got – fuck it, he wanted Cas to keep that damn thing. He never wanted to see it again.

Letting his eyes wander around covertly, Cas made sure no one looked into his direction before unfolded the paper Dean just gave him underneath the table. Only moving his eyes but not his head down, Cas read what kind of message Dean got.

The words made his heart stop and he felt like they clawed around his guts to tear them out – reading Dean’s message was even more painful than his own.

**BURN LIKE MOMMY**

**BURN IN HELL COWARD GAY**

Cas clenched his fist, ready to punch the first suspicious one until he feels a nose breaking against his hand. He wasn’t just shocked or angry – he was in rage. It was one thing to insult him and another to insult Dean, but it was absolutely inacceptable to hurt Dean in _this_ way. There was no excuse for including Mrs. Winchester. Though he always despised violence and never was one for fighting, he had to admit it suddenly became a reasonable option for him.

Like a predator in wait for the guilty one, Cas carefully looked around. He didn’t have any proofs but he had some suspects who were most likely to be the ones responsible. But – as if they sensed Cas’ anger – they were nowhere in sight. Considering Cas’ willingness to sink his fist into any face that might have something to do with _this_ , this was surely a lucky circumstance.

“And you, Cas?”

Cas jumped at this question coming out of the blue – he knocked his knee against the table and almost dropped the paper Dean gave him.

“Me what?” With a friendly smile, Cas tried to conceal his confusion as he replied.

“If you’re coming tomorrow, too, or not,” Sam asked, most likely for the second time.

“Oh,” Cas knew this question would come but still, especially in this moment, it hit him unexpectedly. He knew what he was going to say, every single exact word. But the way Dean looked at him, with a faint smile despite all the trouble that was just on its way, made Cas stop.

Though Dean must know what Cas response was most likely going to be, he must have had a slight hope that Cas was now about to crush.

“Well – no. I’m sorry, Sam. It’s – it’s complicated.”

Cas was ashamed, too ashamed to look at either of the Winchesters as he spoke.

He didn’t have to look up, he _heard_ Dean’s disappointment in the way he breathed out sharply. It felt horrible to let Dean down. At least Sam’s reaction was a little more uplifting.

“It’s cool, Cas. I understand. Sucks though,” Sam smiled at Cas, but Jo quickly distracted the younger Winchester again.

“What got you planned for tomorrow? Anything special?”

Another birthday related discussion started off and Cas took the opportunity to discuss his theories with himself. Too bad he basically had no information but so many assumptions. Maybe he should ask Anna once he got home – chances were high she might have heard any gossip, she always did. Maybe she heard something relevant.

Another poking interrupted Cas’ thoughts once again and from the corner of his eyes, he saw Dean holding out his phone sneakily – why did he offer his phone to Cas? The eager way Dean shook the phone made Cas understand that he was supposed to take it. Under the table, Cas saw that the messaging menu was open and something was typed down. Without moving his head too much, Cas glared down to read it.

**_Seems like someone is up to us_ **

**_or this is a sick prank played on several people._ **

**_Any ideas?_ **

Cas quickly typed up his reply before secretly handing the phone back. While still looking around and smiling at what was said at the table, Dean took the phone back and furtively looked down.

**_I wish I could share your optimism. But I’ll ask Anna if she heard something._ **

**_She’s very up-to-date when it comes to school gossip._ **

**_But my guesses are Uriel and his gang. Or Alastair._ **

Dean nodded quietly as he read. Though he wished desperately this thing with Cas and him hasn’t made its way throughout the whole school, he hoped Anna would know something so vaguely that only Cas and him would be able to make something out of this piece of information.

Even if he didn’t show it on the outside, Dean was being scared for his life – and Cas’. Sure, he was pretty sure no one was literally about to set them on fire, he was scared about whatever was going to happen – whatever it might be, it most likely wouldn’t be kindergarten.

**_Yup, interrogate her. Maybe she knows something._ **

**_Anyway, lets pretend everything is normal. Act as usual._ **

Cas realized Dean was just as helpless as he himself. But Dean was right – they shouldn’t change anything about their usual behavior. They should do everything to avoid increasing people’s possible curiosity.

* * *

 

Initiating conversations in reality was so much harder than in theory, Cas realized once again.

He accurately planned everything he wanted to say and thought of a nice, but effective way to start off with, but somehow, the words just didn’t want to come out. His anxiety took the best off him once more – he was so scared of messing it up and accidently giving away the true reason for his interest that it made his hands shake and his voice die deep inside his throat. But he promised Dean to text him that same day about everything he could gather from Anna. He had to overcome his nervousness and just start talking. He shouldn’t worry so much about it. Anna was his sister, anyway, and siblings should be allowed to talk to each other without one having an almost-breakdown. He could do it – for Dean. And himself.

“Ho – how was your day, Anna?” Hoping it would help him to sound more casual, Cas turned away from Anna to look at the city passing by behind the car window.

“Uhm, it was… good. Yeah, actually it was pretty good,” Anna replied, surprised. Cas heard a smile in her voice, too. “How about yours, Castiel?”

This unexpected turn knocked Cas out of his stride – he couldn’t just blurt out the truth though he didn’t feel like lying to his own sister; he had to find a way to avoid telling the whole truth by replying nevertheless truthful. What a bother.

“My day? Well, it was – as usual. Mostly.” He added the last part quickly and very quiet, hoping it went over Anna’s head – but it didn’t.

“Mostly?” Anna repeated as she stopped the car at a red traffic light – what a bad timing. Now she was able to focus completely on her brother who deeply regretted his choice of words. He should have decided against being too honest – one day, his truthfulness was going to be his downfall, he was sure.

“Well, yes. Mostly usual. There’s nothing wrong with that, isn’t it?” He smiled, but Anna raised he eyebrow as she carefully inspected her brother.

“Something happened?” She finally asked.

Cas’ breath hitched and he hoped Anna didn’t hear it. Quick, he needed something to say that would disperse her suspicions without destroying his chances of getting some valuable information.

“Uhm, no, not really, it’s just – nothing…. Anyway, did you hear something through the grapevine today? Some rumors reached me earlier…”

Anna stepped on to the gas again as the lights turned green. “No, I didn’t hear anything in particular today. What were those rumors about?”

Cas sunk back into the seat. “Nothing – it’s nothing.”

* * *

 

 _Damn_.

His fist loudly hit the desk as his other hand rubbed his forehead. Dean hoped Anna would know something that could help him and Cas to encircle the variety of possible suspects. He had crossed his fingers that Cas would have gotten to know something essential as he heard his phone ringing, but as soon as Dean read Cas’ text, his enthusiasm was crushed.

Anna knew _shit_.

By pressing the base of his nose, Dean tried to calm himself down – he felt his eyes burning again and he forbid himself to even consider of letting out a single tear. Like a broken water pipe, his eyes had been leaking a lot lately and Dean didn’t appreciate it, not at all. He was already enough he softened round Cas, there was no need for him to become completely soft as shit.

There were better things to do than being a cry-baby, Dean scolded himself. He picked up his pen and went back to his homework. Though he really wanted to focus on the task, his mind drifted away quick. He knew, Alastair most likely wasn’t done with him. There was no way he would not try to get revenge on Dean and he was – apart from Cas – basically the only one at this school who knew about the circumstances of his mother’s death. Damn, Alastair was such a clever bastard, he most likely also figured out this thing between Cas and him. But he was being too smart – no way he would do something so trite and banal like leaving threats in other people’s lockers. That sounded more like something Uriel and the blockheads would do – though they kinda figured Cas and Dean were close friends, there was basically no way they would know all those things Alastair knew. Considering their social circles, it was highly unlikely they were friends or even got along – and conspiring only to screw with Cas and him was something Dean considered to be too much of a fuzz.

But these were the only ones who seemed to see something beyond simple friendship between Cas and him – besides Charlie.

Dean almost dropped his pencil again as this thoughts crossed his mind. No, not Charlie. Sure, he might be biased since he liked her a lot, but only because she wasn’t fooled by their charade didn’t mean she was the guilty one. She admitted being gay and she didn’t give Dean a reason not to believe her. No, no, it wasn’t Charlie, never. But anyway, it couldn't hurt to have an eye on her. Only to be sure she was _not_ the guilty one.

But no matter who will turn out to be the one responsible – they will bleed.

No one insults his mother and Cas so easily without suffering afterwards.

He had no idea how and when – but he will make those pay whoever were responsible.

* * *

Finally, the alarm went off.

Wasn’t it weird that he was for once glad to wake up early?

But it was true – Dean couldn’t await the morning of Sam’s birthday, he was excited, even more than the birthday boy himself. Sam never was too pumped about the fact that he was turning one year older, but who could blame him? None of the brothers ever had a birthday that was worth being remembered. Just the year before, they celebrated Sam’s anniversary in the backseat of the car, eating cheap and spongy cake while their father drove around aimlessly, trying to find a spare motel room. But this time, Dean was sure, things would be just damn awesome – and not just because he had a kickass present, for once. Plus, on a more egoistic side, it helped Dean to think of something else, at least for some minutes.

“Happy birthday, tousled one,” Dean chirped joyfully as he saw his brother stumbling downstairs, still sleepy and grumpy. He had been waiting downstairs for good five minutes until Sam finally showed up.

“Can we just skip all of this crap?” Sam sighed, but Dean only grinned. It was just too funny how someone like Sam, who always had been a morning person, only managed to be all grumpy and drowsy at the morning of his very own birthday.

“Nope. No way,” Dean replied, pulling Sam along, away from the kitchen door where the younger one headed to.

“Dean, I just want to eat my stupid breakfast,” Sam whined, but Dean didn’t care. He smiled as he pulled out an envelope out of his back pocket.

“I want to give you my present first.”

“Wow, paper! Dean, thank you so much! I just ran out of it.”

Dean rolled his eyes and shoved the envelope at Sam’s chest. “Stop being sarcastic, bitch.”

“Don’t be so thin-skinned, jerk,” Sam laughed as he fumbled with Dean’s present. The paper tore open with a loud sound and Sam pulled out a card. Frowning, he opened it to read the inside.

A little nervous, Dean carefully watched Sam’s reaction – though he was pretty sure he made a good choice, he suddenly doubted what he picked. Sam’s eyes widened and Dean cringed, not sure how to interpret the reaction.

“Are you – are you serious? Dean, are you serious?”

Dean breathed out a sigh of relief as he saw Sam’s face lightening up.

“Of course I’m serious,” Dean smiled, proud of himself.

“Dean, that’s… that’s insane!” Sam wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck and pulled him into a tight embrace – Dean was surprised how much stronger his once so tiny baby brother got – Ellen’s good cooking was surely playing a part in his growth.

“So you like it?”

“Of course, man!” Looking at the card again, Sam punched Dean’s chest. “Dean, it’s a damn voucher for a tattoo! That’s so great – I mean, we can finally – “

“ – get the matching tattoos, right.” Just a few nights before, Dean remembered Sam and him talking about getting the same tattoos at the same spot on their chests, beneath the right collar bone. A few years ago, Sam found a symbol in a book, a pentagram circled with flames, and both Winchesters loved it. Inspired by its meaning of protection, they agreed that one day, they would get this tattooed. Like this, they would forever be reminded of their bond and their promise to always protect one another.

“Thank you, Dean.” Sam’s content smile suddenly faded. “But wait a minute – I’m still underage.”

“Well, not according to the I.D. that somehow suddenly appeared in my wallet,” Dean winked as he shambled over to the kitchen.

Blinking, unbelieving, doubting if he still was dreaming, Sam looked up from the tattoo voucher, right at Dean who turned around in front of the kitchen door. “Come on, man. We don’t wanna be late for school, right?”

 

Though Dean was feeling happy for Sam to finally have a really good birthday, with a proper cake, presents and even friends coming over, he couldn’t bring himself to feel good. Knowing that Cas wouldn’t come over, too, hung like a rain cloud above Dean’s head. At least he would see him at school. He wanted to kick his own ass for being so damn selfish. He should be happy, pumped and having fun with Sam and their friends instead of being grumpy because just one of them wouldn’t there.

But Cas wasn’t _just one of them_.

Cas was – more. Cas was special. Cas was different. Different to everyone else Dean ever met.

“Hello, Dean,” Cas smiled and looked up as he heard Dean approaching their usual seats in the back row of the classroom. No matter how much more trouble it might cause them to be even in the same room, Cas would always count himself happy to have Dean next to him.

“’Morning, Cas.” Seeing this sleepy but so honest smile only devoted him, Dean forgot his sulking about the fact Cas was going to absent the afternoon. This didn’t matter in that moment – even this anonymous bullying wasn’t important to Dean. As long as Cas was still able to smile at him, Dean knew, the world was going to be okay.

“How’s the birthday boy doing?” Cas asked as Dean sat down.

“Good – I guess he’s getting used to the concept of receiving presents for being alive for another year,” Dean joked, still remembering the gleam of joy in Sam’s eyes as he unwrapped Dean’s present. He was proud of himself, no lie.

“It’s a pretty nice concept, after all,” Cas added, as he suddenly realized something. “Dean – when is - when is your birthday?” He felt ashamed that after all, he didn’t know _this_ about Dean and he suddenly feared that he might have already missed this day. This would have been rude and impolite, no matter how much Dean valued that day or not.

This question came unexpected, but Dean quickly got the context. He smiled as he replied. “Don’t worry, you didn’t miss it. It’s in January. The 24th.”

He smiled as he saw Cas’ eyes lightening up, but his answer caused another question to pop up in Dean’s head. “Dude, if I would have missed your birthday, you would have told me, right?”

“Maybe,” Cas said with a nonchalantly shrug, but he couldn’t hold back a laughter as he saw the irritation in Dean’s face. “Of course I would have. But you haven’t missed it, yet. It’s September 18.”

“The date’s saved, but don’t expect a huge present. You’re rich. I would have to get you a fucking unicorn and dude – I’m not.” Dean raised his forefinger but despite the serious tone he used, Cas chuckled, knowing Dean was just being silly. Sure, neither of them forgot the trouble that most likely waited around the corner with more to throw into both of their faces, but it was also fact that neither of them forgot how to laugh.

September 18th, Dean reeated mentally. It means that Cas was indeed older than him – he already assumed it, but now he knew it with certainty. Dean wasn’t sure if he was being pissed or simply ashamed as he realized _he literally had a thing for older men_. But then again – this wasn’t that much of a surprise. Male celebrity crushes were multiples of his own age. Of course he would never admit.

* * *

 

The lock clacked and Dean felt his pulse racing up to a painful pace. He breathed in deep and quickly opened the locker’s door – nothing. No paper, no threat, nothing. As the relief settled in, Dean breathed easy. He really expected something to be in his locker again.

“Do you have a creepy cabinet in there or why do you look like in a snapshot at the end of a haunted house?”

“Holy shit!” Dean shouted out loud. “Don’t approach me so quietly!”

“I’m sorry,” Charlie lifted her hands. “Next time I’ll bring a trumpet and play a fanfare to announce my presence.”

“Yes, please.” Dean pressed his hand against his chest. Nothing against Charlie, but her sudden appearance came a little bit _too_ sudden for his taste. “Anyway, what can I do for you? Any questions about the material we went through?”

Instead of replying, Charlie made a step closer to Dean, her eyes locked with his. “Are you okay?” She finally asked after inspecting his eyes carefully.

“What?” Dean shook his head, smiling to hide his confusion. “Of course I am – I mean, why not?”

 _Shit_. He felt caught.

Her intense stare pierced through him, before she made a step back again and shrugged.

“I got a feeling. Something’s in the air around you.” She lifted her hands and wobbled with her fingers, but Dean only frowned. This chick had an awesome flair, like a sixth sense – but Dean knew, this was bullshit.

“Was this everything you wanted to say?” With coldness in his voice and the most serious expression he could pull off, Dean tried to conceal his honest confusion – he didn’t want her to know that she really got him.

“For now, yes.” With her eyes narrowed and still locked on him, Charlie made her way backwards until she disappeared around a nearby corner.

As much as Dean was sure that this girl had some slates loose, he knew that he really liked her a lot.

* * *

 

“Castiel is really not coming today? Ah, too bad,” Ellen sighed and Dean nodded silent in agreement. He was helping her in the kitchen while Jo and Sam were busy carrying everything they needed to the backyard. Sam had decided for a birthday barbeque and a videogame battle in his room afterwards. During the preparation he finally looked happy and excited – much to Dean’s contentment. The longer they had been staying at the Singer’s, the more Sam finally looked like a normal average teenager. The troubles of their past had been written across both their faces for long enough, it was about time for normalcy to wash it away.

“Here, the potato salad. Take it outside, then we’re done here,” Ellen handed Dean another bowl and before she pushed him out of the kitchen, she pulled him closer and whispered. “Don’t worry – I bet for your birthday, Castiel will be here. Now, go and have some fun.”

Dean smiled. Ellen was right. There was still hope that Cas would be there for his own birthday and that was what really mattered, right?

He had to pause for a moment to admire the view, as he stepped out of the backdoor leading out to the backyard. The lawn that spread behind the house, fenced with white posts and a view to the garage where Bobby still was working at, wasn’t that huge but still big enough to have a good time there. Jo and Sam already got out the huge garden table and some chairs around it, even the dishes and some drinks were already sat up.

“Hey, Dean, can you light it up?” Sam asked, nodding towards the grill.

“Sure thing.”

 _Having a fucking barbeque on a fucking birthday,_ Dean smiled to himself as he lit up the coals. _This is the normalest thing we’ve ever had._

Dean barely noticed the day passing him by. One by one the guests came and within half an hour, everyone arrived – Dean had hoped that Sam might have invited someone from his classes, too, but he really only invited their usual pack. They talked, joked and laughed as Sam unwrapped his presents and Dean stretched and bended to see what everyone got for his brother. He was busy with making sure the steaks, filets, sausages and what not else appeared on the grid just grilled right and deliciously and therefore he was not able – and unwilling to pass on the spatula – to leave the grill. But he saw that Kevin and Chuck both got Sam some huge-ass bricks of novels, surely some fantasy saga that Sam obviously loved. Garth and Ash got another video game for Sam’s PlayStation which seemed to be something special – the kids freaked out about it and a huge discussion broke lose, but Dean had no idea about this kind of nerdy stuff. Well - he _pretended_ not have any idea.

Once everyone got served and ate well, Dean picked the last empty plate from the table and filled it with what was left – a medium steak and some sausages – before finally sitting down at the table.

“You coming upstairs, too, Dean? We need to play the games I got today.”

Shoveling a portion of potato salad that would serve three, Dean looked from his plate to meet his brother’s eyes across the table. He remembered that Sam already got two different games from Bobby, Ellen and Jo and with the one he now got from Garth and Ash, the kids would be busy until next month, if nobody stopped them. Though he usually loved video games – secretly, of course – Dean shook his head.

“You guys enjoy it more than I do. Plus, someone has to help Ellen with the mess. We battle some other day, okay, Sammy?”

Though he tried to smile, Dean knew, Sam must have noticed the sadness – he reached over to squeeze his brother’s hand as he got up from his seat. “Of course we do, Dean.”

Knocking twice on the table to make sure he got everyone’s attention, Dean made an announcement. “Everyone who’s _not_ interested in cleaning up now got the chance to escape to Sam’s room. Everyone else – grab a sponge.”

Laughing loudly, Dean watched everyone’s eyes snapping open before they got up from their chairs and ran indoors – only Kevin turned around to yell “I’m sorry!”.

Though he really loved all of these weirdos, he was glad to be left alone for now. His head felt as heavy as his heart and he didn’t want to ruin his brother’s special day. It wasn’t just the fact that Cas wasn’t there that made Dean unable to enjoy the day – it was also the fact that even if he had been there, things still wouldn’t have been perfect because there was still the stupid fucking thing with the stupid fucking anonymous bullies revolving around them.

Chewing his steak as if he was devouring his archenemy, Dean cursed internally. Why for fuck’s sake wasn’t the universe allowing him at least one good thing in life he could enjoy without a pinching feeling in his chest?

* * *

 

For the first time in years, Cas was biting his nails again.

He didn’t realize it right away, he simply started biting them absent-mindedly, and once he realized what he was doing, he couldn’t bring himself to care. Nobody was looking at his fingers, anyway.

He thought he might have gotten used to unexpected turns by now, but obviously, he wasn’t.

“Cas, do you still have my CD collection in your – boy, what’s wrong?” Gabriel peaked his head through Cas’ half-open bedroom door but rushed inside as soon as he noticed his brother’s expression.

“Nothing, Gabriel. I’m okay. The CDs are in the shelf, second row behind the classic music, right beneath Balthazar’s DVDs.”

As they were moving out, Gabriel and Balthazar passed their treasures on to their oblivious brother, hoping to give him at least a little glimpse of pop-cultural education. Neither of the eldest moved into an apartment with much storage room, so they had to leave something behind; knowing it might bring some entertainment to poor overprotected Castiel made the parting from the beloved possessions a little easier. Though he really missed having the physical copies of his favorite albums near, getting them wasn’t important to Gabriel in this moment. He knew this expression on Castiel’s face – it was this expression of his baby brother when he tried to hold back his tears when he broke a cup or scraped his knee on the pavement. The kid grew up and the reason behind it might have changed, but this expression of sadness, fear and helplessness was the same.

“Screw the disks, Castiel. What’s bugging the fuzzy head of yours today?”

Maybe he was just missing being the authoritarian big brother, but Gabriel wanted Castiel to speak. He walked up to the bed and sat down next to the younger one, not willing to leave before he wasn’t able to lift whatever weight now laid on Castiel’s chest.

“Nothing, as I already said.” A little irritated about his brother’s persistence, Cas shifted on the mattress, moving away from Gabriel, whose eyes followed him.

“Come on. After all we shared, you’re closing up yourself _now_?”

Cas rolled his eyes at this face Gabriel was giving him – a weird mixture of frowning and smiling at once that surely only Gabriel Milton was able to pull off. Oh dear, Cas sighed internally – he hated to admit, but his brother was right.

“I got a call,” he began to talk, shuffling closer to sit next to Gabriel so he doesn’t have to speak too loud – this was no one else’s matter. “From – from father’s office.”

His voice was quiet and cautiously and from the corner of his eye, Cas watched Gabriel’s eyebrows rising.

“Oh,” he said finally and Cas couldn’t help but to helplessly smile at this response. “Who was it? What did they want?”

“I talked to Raphael, father’s assistant, remember him? He… he told me about an idea father had earlier. He offered me, well, an internship at the MiltCorp headquarters. Three months. The whole summer vacation. Full wage.”

Cas didn’t really think about what he was saying – he was mechanically repeating the key points of the phone call, automatically without considering them at all. He understood what they meant, he perfectly fine understood what this could mean for him and his future – but he couldn’t bring himself to bother. Maybe, half a year ago, he would have been at least interested, yet not excited, but in this moment he… wasn’t even interested.

“Sounds, ugh, good?” The suppressed laughter in Gabriel’s strained seriously voice couldn’t fool Cas – he knew his own brother too well.

“You think it’s crap, Gabriel.”

“Holy shit, you can bet your well-shaped ass that I do!” For a second, Cas forget what actually caused him subliminal headache and joined Gabriel’s contagious loud laughter. “No but seriously, Castiel, what did you tell Mr. Raphael?”

Cas swallowed the last laughter down and suddenly, the seriousness of the situation hit him again.

“I told him to thank father for thinking of me and asked him for another day to… discuss this… with… Naomi,” Cas cringed at the last part and Gabriel laughed again.

“Naomi?” He wiped a tear from his eyes. “Not really, are you?”

“Of course not,” Cas grunted as he felt blush rising along his cheekbones. “But I had to say something.”

“So you’re calling Dean Naomi now? Is that some kind of kinky fetish?” Gabriel didn’t stop laughing, even as Cas hit him in the face with a pillow.

“Stop that! Right now!” This situation was already stressing him out enough, so there was no need for Gabriel to make it as well awkward.

With a quick motion, Gabriel snatched the pillow out of Cas’ hands and threw it behind them, not bothering to look first if he could knock something over. “But since we’re talking about Dean – it’s _his_ opinion you want to hear, right?”

Cas opened his mouth to protest, but he let out a sigh instead. He was already caught, so every attempt of denial was only provoking more taunts from Gabriel – so Cas settled for the plain truth instead.

“I would like to talk to him about it before I tell father my final decision, yes.”

“Then go and see him,” Gabriel said short and simple.

“What?” Cas shook his head, sure he didn’t quite understand what Gabriel just said.

“You,” Gabriel’s finger painfully poked Cas’ chest, “are going to see Dean now and tell him what you just told me.”

Cas narrowed his eyes at his brother – now he was completely insane. “Gabriel, Dean is busy today, it’s his brother’s birthday and Naomi would never allow me to go out now.” Cas nodded towards the window, the sky was already orange from the setting sun. Unimpressed, Gabriel only shrugged. “So?”

“I can talk to Dean at school tomorrow. There’s no need to make such a big fuzz out of – “

“Now you listen to me, baby brother,” Gabriel grabbed each of Cas’ shoulders and looked him straight into the eyes. “This is a serious topic concerning an important part of your life – basically your future. And what kind of asshole would not talk about it to the most important person in his life?”

"Gabriel... he's busy. I could... call him, maybe -"

"Castiel... how would you feel if Dean would have this kind of problem and would talk to you on the phone about it? Or in between two classes at school?"

Those words made Cas pause. Gabriel was right.

"But what am I telling Naomi?"

"Nothing. That's one of the perks of sneaking out.... don't - don't make that face. She won't notice and if she will, I promise I will come up with the best lie she ever heard."

Sometimes, it was hard to believe this was the same brother that used to refill Cas' tooth paste tubes with mayonnaise. He smiled as he pulled Gabriel into a tight embrace – he was thankful and yet speechless.

"It's okay, brother," Gabriel gasped, "save some of your loving for Dean."

* * *

Too bad sneaking out meant he had to be as silent as a ghost – that meant no car as well. He would have to run, but it would take him forever to run all the way to the Singer's home. He had to call Dean to meet him at least halfway.

After hearing the dial tone buzzing twice, there was a clack from the other end of the line.

"Heya, Cas! What's up?"

Hearing this familiar voice made Cas smile as he ran down the pavement of the slowing darkening city – some streetlamps already flickered alight.

"Not much, Dean. How about you? Could - could you spare a minute?"

"Sure - what's wrong? Are you running? Are you outside? What – "

"That's why I called you, Dean," Cas interrupted him, "could I meet you somewhere? I'm afraid I can't run all the way to your house."

"Sure, sure. Where are you?"

"Downtown. Let's meet at the lake. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

"Me too. I'll leave right away. But – you are alright, yes?"

The concern in Dean's voice shot through Cas, all warm and tickling and left a smile on his face.

"I'm alright, don't you worry. See you there."

"Okay," Dean said quickly before hanging up.

Cas stuffed his phone into the sweat pants’ pockets and picked up the pace again.

* * *

 

He surely crossed some speed limits and maybe, he missed some red lights – certainly, he almost ran over a woman who crossed the street with an involuntary jump. He knew it was wrong, but he didn't care – he had to meet Cas. As soon as possible. He was worried, something _had_ to be wrong. But foremost, he just wanted to see Cas. They would meet in the dark in a remote area, so they would be safe and could quit their absurd charade of 'he's just my bro' – it made Dean sick.

"Hello Dean."

He immediately turned around as he got out of the car - Cas was already there, leaned against a tree, almost invisible in the half-dark.

"Hey Cas," Dean smiled as he rushed over to Cas. For a second he forgot his worries as he cupped this dearly missed face to place a tender and lasting kiss on those chapped and yet so soft lips. He waited too long for this and craved to taste Cas again. As long as he felt Cas’ warm lips against his own, he forgot everything that kept them apart.

Though it was already almost completely dark and especially in the woods it was hard to see further than an arm’s length, Dean saw a smile on Cas’ face – at least he assumed to see it.

“What’s the matter, Cas? I guess you didn’t run away only for a smooch,” Dean finally asked, unable to hold back his concern any more. He knew, the reason might be a pretty serious one but he couldn’t help himself but to wrap his question up in a lame joke.

“Well, it was part of the reason,” Cas chuckled quietly, but as soon as he remembered the actual reason, the chuckle went silent. “I – I know, it might not be much of matter, but I thought it might be something I should put you in the picture about it.”

Dean raised his eyebrows – he already expected something serious, but wow, this sounded damn serious.

“You’re – you’re not ill, right? I’m not in it for a _Fault In Our Stars_ , part two. But if you’re more into running away from the crap here – I’m your man,” Dean smiled wearily. He tried to crack some jokes to enlighten the mood, but somehow, it wasn’t working.

“Dean, it’s nothing – nothing too serious, honestly. It’s just – Gabriel said I should talk to you about it. I – I got a call from my father’s office today. I got an offer for an internship,” Cas sighed and he felt Dean’s hands drop from his cheeks down to his shoulders.

“Sorry, Cas, I don’t quite get that,” Dean frowned. This sounded like good news, so why was Cas making this kind of face?

“It’s just – I would be away all summer holiday. It would be my official first step into the company – and, well – “

“You don’t know if he really want this, right?” Dean’s statement came quickly and surprising to Cas, mostly, because it was true. He nodded. “Yes. I have no idea what would be right. Usually, I would be delighted to leave home for three months, but now –“

Cas knew very well the reason why he quarreled with this offer, he didn’t need to think hard about it. But saying it out loud, finding the right words to convey – that was actually challenging.

But he knew, he didn’t need any words to communicate with Dean. He didn’t need to finish the sentence at all to make Dean understand his point. Dean pulled Cas closer and wrapped his arms around him, resting his chin on Cas’ shoulder – Dean understood.

“All summer long?”

“Yes.”

“That’s damn long, Cas.”

“I know.”

“If I wouldn’t be here – what would you do?”

“I would choose the lesser evil and go.”

“And why?”

“Well, for several reasons… Getting away from Naomi and seeing father again. Making a step into my future. Maybe the job is something I can enjoy.”

“Maybe?” Dean repeated as he nestled his nose against the crook of Cas’ neck. The soft skin was warm and even a little sweaty there, surely because Cas must have run like a maniac and Dean had to admit, he liked Cas’ skin exactly like this.

“I don’t know yet. The thought of joining MiltCorp never sounded tempting to me – maybe I would change my mind after being some time there. I know I should go, but – I don’t feel quite like it.”

Cas felt Dean’s head moving, he must be nodding, Cas assumed.

“I would love to see my father again – it’s been a very long time – but I feel like we are going to be nothing but strangers. And, honestly, I don’t like the thought of… leaving this town for so long.”

Dean frowned and pulled away from Cas. He felt his heart banging faster and he didn’t really like what he just heard.

“Cas, listen to me,” Dean said as he pulled away from the hug without actually letting go of Cas, “This is your life, your future. I don’t want you to screw it up, damnit, I don’t want you to screw with your family because of me. I won’t be going anywhere over the summer. I will be still here. Do what feels right for you and don’t give a shit about me. Please.”

“Dean,” Cas wanted to say something, anything, but nothing came to his mind. Instead, he only stood there in the dark and looked at Dean. This stern look on Dean’s face made clear – there was no need to discuss with him. His opinion stood strong and indestructible.

“Cas, I’d really like to have you here all summer, but I don’t own you. You cannot revolve your life around me. You’ll go far – and I will wait here.”

These words – Cas didn’t know how to feel about them. He had to admit, he had hoped that Dean would tell him to stay to make his own decision easier. It made Cas sad to see that Dean felt he like was holding Cas back – but the most important thing was – Dean would wait for him.

Due to his inability to find any words to express what went through his mind, Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck and kissed him instead. He felt Dean responding to the kiss – Cas quickly felt Dean’s tongue against his own and Dean’s hands tugging at his shirt. _It’s dark and no one is here, so who cares?_ Cas thought as he ran his hands under Dean’s shirt – a decision that got rewarded with a pleased hum and a hand gently scratching his scalp. If it hadn’t been becoming so chill outside, Cas was sure he would have simply torn away both their clothes, he craved Dean’s touch, he needed to feel all warm and safe wrapped up in Dean’s arms – but the cold both of them would most likely catch afterwards wouldn’t be worth it.

“I’m sure your father is glad to see you again,” Dean whispered as they broke away again to snuggle up against each other. Maybe he was only projecting his own hopes and thoughts on Cas’ situation, but Dean was sure he was right when he told Cas to leave – after all, those summer holidays will be over at some point and they’ll meet again. In the meantime Cas would have finally seen his father again and hopefully made up his mind about his future. It would be the best for Cas – why should he mold all summer long in this lame town?

“I’m not so sure, Dean. I am not sure if I myself am happy about it,” Cas said as he buried his face in Dean’s neck. He preferred to hide instead of facing his feelings. Dean was right with what he said. What Cas felt about it, about his father – that was secondary. He had to make a responsible decision and he could not disappoint anyone, especially Dean.

“Dude, you’re freezing,” Dean whispered as he quickly ran his hands along Cas’ bare arms – in his hectic rush, he forgot to put on a jacket or at least something with long sleeves.

“I have to admit, it’s a little bit chill tonight,” Cas smiled, ashamed of his own mindlessness. Dean kissed his forehead as he pulled him closer. “I hate to part, but how about I’ll bring you home? Don’t want to catch a cold from you.”

“Well, you could drop me off in the neighborhood. That would be kind,” Cas replied, now even more ashamed of causing Dean so much trouble.

“Come, let’s get in the car – at least it’s warmer in there.”

 

Finally in the warmth of the Impala, Cas was about to put on his seat belt, as Dean grabbed his shoulders to pull him closer for another kiss – and that kiss was indeed a long one. Neither of them was about to pull away as their hands wandered underneath each other’s shirts to explore the familiar and still exciting skin. They could touch each other for another thousand times and it would still electrify them. They bit, licked and caressed each other’s lips and smiled as they finally opened their eyes once they pulled away, both out of breath but still very happy.

“We can still into the backseat,” Dean wiggled his eyebrows, but Cas shook his head.

“Though this offer is very, very tempting, I have to decline it. I’m afraid Naomi might discover my absence if I don’t return soon,” Cas said with a half-serious, half-joking pout.

“Too bad,” Dean grunted but pressed another firm kiss on Cas’ lips, “we have to make the best out of situations like these.”

“I know, Dean. I know,” Cas sighed, sadly remembering that they actually had more to hide from than Naomi’s disapproval.

Cas felt his heart sinking heavily in his chest as he heard Dean starting the Impala’s engine. They drove over the short yet winded path that led from the lake directly to the road and Cas already regretted heading back home. But he didn’t want to be a downer and start talking about it – he wanted to see a smile on Dean’s face, so he decided for a topic that surely would bring a little joy to Dean.

“How was Sam’s party today? Did you guys have fun?”

This question as at first a little irritating, but it cheered Dean up nevertheless.

“We had a barbeque and then, the kids went upstairs battling each other in some video games. Since I was the chief, the grill master, the spatula king, I surely had some fun,” Dean explained, noticing Cas’ amusement. “What are you laughing at, Cas? Barbeque is serious business – it’s more than just throwing some meat to the grid and wait for some minutes.”

“I know Dean, I know, but – did you have an apron?”

“Of course not,” Dean replied indignantly.

“Too bad,” Cas chirped innocently and turned away to look out of the passenger’s window, as Dean’s fist punched him in the upper arm.

“Are you having a dirty fetish?”

“What?”

“You know – like some kinky dreams about me in an apron?”

“Dean – _no_.”

“Really? I think I could pull that off.”

“Think what you want.”

“Oh, come on! Even you have to have some kinks.”

“Not as far as I know.”

“Liar.”

“I’m not lying to you, Dean.”

“Sure.”

“Yes, sure.”

“Everyone has some fetishes.”

“So… what are yours, then?” Cas grinned devilishly as he saw the blushing creeping up Dean’s face.

“Nothing… nothing special.”

“I’m listening.”

“I’m not talking about that _now_. Find out for yourself.”

Cas laughed out loud and didn’t mind the next punch he got – he enjoyed too much to finally have the sight of an embarrassed Dean.

Too bad their car ride ended soon for Cas – a few streets away from his house, Cas asked Dean to let him out. The distinct sound of the Impala’s engine could awake Naomi’s curiosity and that was nothing Cas could risk.

A quick kiss and a short word of good bye, and Cas was gone again.

Saying good bye to Cas was something Dean could never get used to – but he knew, he had to. Now more than ever. The man's got some potential and chances to get far in life and Dean was not about to be his downfall. No matter how much more it would hurt Dean, he had to make sure Cas did what would be best for him.

* * *

 

From a distance, Cas saw that the living room was illuminated – he had to get in through the backdoor to be unnoticed. And thank God, it was open – Gabriel must have made sure it was unlocked. His heart raced and he felt adrenaline rushing through his veins. Sneaking out was like a kick, a quick fix of adventure to brighten up a dull day. No surprise that Anna did that almost on a daily basis. On tip-toes, he made his way through the kitchen, the corridor, past the living room where Naomi was all focused on her soap opera and upstairs. This had been easier than expected.

He pressed down the door handle to his room, but he pulled his hand away quickly, letting out a disgusted grunt. If he hadn’t been so used to this, he would have freaked out, been in shock and shouting out loud, but this happened too many times throughout his childhood.

He didn’t expect it, but a part of him saw it coming.

Mustard.

Actually, lots of it.

Smeared all along the underside of the door handle and now spread across his hand.

It seemed like some things would never change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you enjoyed the little scene between Dean and Charlie - I hope I get her right!?  
> And - I really, really love to write Gabriel and hopefully, you like him as much as I do! :)  
> If you ever feel like someone's too OOC - please tell me.  
> And remember, English is not my native language, so feel free to call me out on any mistakes. I'm forever thankful for any advice and help if I mess up the grammar!

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is! I hope you enjoyed the beginning of this soon- to- be- rollercoaster- ride!  
> I appreciate all kinds of feedback from you- what you liked, disliked, ideas,... do not leave it unspoken ;)  
> Have a wonderful day!


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